New Year's Eve

Pounds lost: 2 lbs
Pounds to go: 49 lbs

No plans. Might see a movie. Not sure which one. Do I really want to be watching a scene with Johnny Depp in Sweeny Todd or Nicole Kidman in The Golden Compass or Will Smith in I Am Legend as the clock strikes midnight?

I think I will have one last food "hurrah" though. I think I will get an ice cream shake from ColdStone and maybe a burger or a burrito. Or some Chinese food.

It is just another night. But it is the start of a new beginning. Happy New Year.

2008 Will Be the Year

New year, new goal. New blog look.....blue for the incredible blue of the ocean. I am going away to a place that made me feel incredible 20 years ago:


B e r m u d a !

I am going to stay just a few miles away from Horseshoe Bay Beach, a place of natural paradise where I remember receiving validation for perhaps the first time in my life then that maybe, just maybe, life could be enjoyed. I am hoping I can renew my spirit and energy for life.

My trip is 17 weeks (119 days) away. So I've set some goals to reach:

Realistic Goal: 51 lbs lost by April 14 (average 3 lbs /week)

Aim High Goal: 85 lbs lost by April 14 (average 5 lbs /week)

Knowing how I am, I have to aim high or I won't even hit the realistic goal.

This is quite ambitious for me, because I do not even own a bathing suit I can wear under shorts. Well, here we go!

Everything Is About Food

I didn't partake in any Thanksgiving dinner or celebration. On Thursday I had soup, with noodles in it.

But I have let carbs back into my life, and I am not losing any weight. I am not overloading on them like I used to, but I know they're the reason I am stalled.

When I said I didn't need to eat Thanksgiving dinner, my dear nephew said to me, "One day won't hurt, right?" Well, it is like saying "one drink" to an alcoholic I think.

My birthday is ahead, and I'm not feeling very motivated.

I need to get back on the path. Somehow. I am trying to remember what sparked my initial urge to start losing. It was seeing myself in photos someone else had taken. Well, I should do that again, then get disgusted. Maybe it'll kick me in the right direction.

At a loss for ideas. I'm the only one who can do this for myself.

Autumn Starch Cravings

total lost: 35 lbs
total days: 145

I think one of the things I love (or loved) about Autumn and the temperature turning colder was the idea of climbing into a warm loaf of bread, baked potato, or bowl of pasta. There is something inviting about starch. And eating it brings a sense of comfort, there is no doubt. It definitely lessens the pain.

What pain? Well, anything from the minor to the major. The pain of not being thin. The pain of physical isolation. The pain of taking on a supervising role at work without a penny more in salary. The pain of essentially doing some work every day and every night. The pain of having to work at an ever increasing pace even though the way in which you do your job well is time-consuming and all about details. OK so those aren't major pains maybe, but they add up to tiny pin pricks in the back of my neck and shoulders until one day I can't turn my head to the left, but I don't have extra $ for a $90 massage. And no, there isn't anyone who can rub my neck for me. He's gone. So...

I haven't lost. Another month, same exact weight. I haven't been carb-free like I need to be. Basically every weekend I've let it slip big time. I suppose this is a great way to maintain, and I could probably live like this. But...I don't want to stay at this weight. I want to be about 100 lbs less.

My goal weight tattoo seems so far away:

Seeking Self Motivation

A little photo comparison.

June October

June October



I don't see a difference. I just don't. 37 lbs. Not enough. Obviously. Trying to feel good but the reality is that I'm feeling really low.

I gotta feel good!

Slow Poke

total lost: 35 lbs
total days: 134

Well no change. Not up, not down. Nada. That's great. I'm in maintenance. LOL Perhaps my body has gone into hibernation mode. Or perhaps I just haven't been restricting my carbs. Yup. That's true enough. So I will have to rededicate myself to the whole process. Blah blah blah. Again, the good news is I haven't gained. The bad news is I haven't lost in a looooooong time. So the break is over. Time to get back at it. I have lost the bulk of what I've gained in the last 2 years working this lousy desk job. Such a good thing, such a damn good thing. I was just thinking this morning how much I miss the horses. Then my shoulder twinged a bit and I remembered the hard work. Why didn't I build muscle? Why did the work just tear my shoulder instead?

Dressing Up

I honestly don't know how much I weigh. It is far too late in the day to get on the scale. I know I haven't lost, the question is how much have I gained. I just don't know. I'm trying to find the reason to care to keep losing.

I survived the expensive wedding. More photos coming from other people, but these I took myself. I was, I must admit, fairly miserable with myself when I took them. I felt I looked much better in person and that I couldn't get the camera to show how I really looked.

Oh yeah, and the hair....dark. Dark to be like my natural hair. Dark because it has to cover the gray. I don't like it. Probably not at all realistic but for some reason I feel the darker hair makes my face fatter. Everyone else likes it. But I don't believe what anyone says anymore. I just think people will say what they think you want to hear. I don't think anyone tells the truth anymore.

The last wedding I went to more than 8 years ago, I think I weighed 325 lbs. I had a date, a long-term live-in boyfriend. I danced, but I also ate everything in sight. My date wouldn't dance, so I danced with other girls. In the end, I remember thinking that I hated the entire event and when the photos came, it was devastating. I have that photo on my bathroom mirror to remind me that I never want to look like that again.

Last night was different in some regards. I don't weigh anywhere near 325 lbs so when I danced, I didn't sweat as much as quickly. A co-worker's husband loves to dance and he took turns dancing with all of us which I thought was really super sweet of him. I really felt like I could have a good time, if I chose to do so. So I tried. I didn't have a male date, but I had the company of a really good female friend. We laughed a lot, and that was very comforting as laughter always is. It was an Italian wedding, so of course, there was more food expected to be consumed in one night than one person should ingest in an entire week. I didn't hold back. I ate whatever I wanted, because I felt like celebrating. But I found myself unable to eat a lot. I am sure that my stomach has changed.

I did not like being pinned into a dress that was too big in the chest and too small in the waist and hips. I did not like putting on the SPANX bullshit, basically a wet suit that supposedly camouflages all your fat. NOT. Instead it simply gives you a spandex burn and a lousy "whiskwhooshwhisk" noise when you walk. Talk about embarrassing. As least 90% of the time the surroundings were too loud to hear that.

I find it interesting that different clothes and colors will give difference appearances. For example, in the photo below, about one month ago, I think I look thinner than in the photos above from last night. The reality is that I'm not. Anyway...it just goes to show that it is partly how you feel.

I did find myself looking at the bride with a bit of envy. Only because I never had the white gorgeous dress when I got married. I never felt gorgeous or desired, although looking back, I clearly was the beloved prize of my future husband at the time. I was a size 18/20 then, but I would have no doubt felt uncomfortable. I wonder if I will ever be comfortable in my own skin.

But then I thought last night as I watched the silly festivities like cutting the cake etc, that beauty rarely lasts. What a jaded bitter thought. The romance and all is great at first, but in the end you have to have someone you can have a conversation with in the dark and in the morning, not be afraid to wake up next to them, fat (or whatever flaw there is) and all.

Isolated Thoughts

total lost: 35 lbs
total days: 119

OK that's good....2 lbs back down after just one day of weighing and 7 days of lo-carbing again. Yay for me. Even more evidence that enjoying carbs on an occasional basis will not cause permanent damage once I am at goal. I can do this, and it is getting easier.

The rest of my life....now that's another story....feeling more and more isolated, more and more alone. And here's the scary part: the more I'm away from others, the less I want to be with them. Go shopping when other people are shopping? You must be kidding. Go to a party? No way. Go to a movie theater? I did that and I was horrified that two people sat in the row behind me. I'm turning into a diva. Go to a concert? Yes, but....everyone around me better shut the fuck up. Go to a wedding.....uhoh, yup, that's coming up. Have to find a dress......wah!!!! My hair! My hair is not doing well. Very dead hair, should be all cut off. Maybe I should do that. Maybe I should.

Climbing Back On the Low Carb Wagon

total lost: 33 lbs
total days: 118

OK as you can see, there's a 4 lb gain. Not incredibly huge considering the week-long vacation. Once at goal weight, I KNOW the weight will fluctuate 5-7 lbs. Apparently that is just the norm. So to be within that is a comfort, although I can't deny that it is somewhat discouraging that one week can do that kind of gain.

I am really disappointed that I tied the 40 lb loss to getting my hair cut, because with the wedding two weeks away and the need for a cut a must, I have to go against my goal. Of course, since I don't even have a dress yet, perhaps I could just wear my hair up and only the back would be blonde, the rest would be my natural brunette turning gray. *sigh* God I'm feeling old.

After Vacation: Carb Detox

Just call me the Li-Lo of dieting. I am back from vacation and I am in carb detox. Please, someone write a tabloid article about me!

I'm not even getting on the scale until Sunday. That'll give me 5 days to get myself back in order at least. I know I've gained, it is just a question of how much. And I can't bear to get on that scale. Maybe by Sunday, it'll only be something like 5 lbs. Ha. Maybe.

I had carbs every day I was away. Bread. Pasta. Rice. Potato. My old friends, how I missed them. Not to mention Chocolate Lava Cake.

I also swam laps, sat in a jacuzzi, walked the beach for miles. I wonder if any of that helped at all. I did those things because I wanted to though, not in an effort to combat my eating.

I also slept a lot, which was a good thing.

So onward....still without a haircut. The co-worker's wedding is looming closer. I just might have to get a buzz cut. Boo-Yah!

PS Oh yes....people's reactions? Well, my mother said I didn't look like I lost as much as I said I had. Umhm yup. My sisters said I looked great. My mother later toasted to me over DRINKS and carb-ladened dinner saying "To the new Donna." Ha. Nice. My friends said I looked good. Overall, it doesn't matter. When the next 40 lbs is gone, that's when it'll be drastically different. OK, yeah, I've got to get there first.

And to those who wonder if they could do this: If you had to lose 30 lbs, you'd be at goal by now!

PMS Stall

total lost: 37 lbs
total days: 102

*sigh*

No loss. Stalled for PMS. Not good. Unrelated but quite cosmic, the woman I had found to do my hair can't do it this Saturday.

So...it isn't meant to be right now. It will be when it is meant to be.

Hair We Come Into the 50s

total lost: 37 lbs
total days: 97

Well, continued progress. I can't ask for more than that, especially when I am dying for pizza! 3 lbs to haircut. I'm thinking - would I jinx myself to make the appointment for this Saturday or would it motivate me?

You see, Saturday night is that ridiculous bachelorette dinner I have to attend. A bunch of 20somethings, me and one woman older than me. I'm not interested in dressing to impress or anything, but a nice cut and color to camouflage the grays would help me feel good. Of course, if the cut is terrible, it'll make it even harder to go.

Also, going away from next Tuesday through the following Sunday. So if I don't do it this Saturday or Sunday, then I'm waiting another two weeks. Hmmm. Decisions, decisions. Not the hardest thing to decide. I think I'll schedule it.

Loving Yourself

total lost: 36 lbs
total days: 93

Yeah baby, that's what I'm talking about! Stay true to yourself and stay true to what you know is right and works for you, and you will see the results of your faithfulness and love for yourself!

The shoulder pain is there but it is not stronger than you are anymore. You keep up the stretches and the strengthening. And stretch out that lower back, and make sure you walk! Walking loosens those muscles we use while sitting all day at a desk.

And water! Water is the thing! Drink that water and that detox tea and close your eyes. See Sena watching over you and know that you can reach your goals.

There is a love growing that will not diminish and fade away. It is the love you've been looking for all your life. The one that is unconditional. The only kind of love that can come from within yourself.

Embrace it.

Phoenix Rising

total lost: 32 lbs
total days: 89

One day away from 3 months...not such great stats when all is said and done, but it sure beats being 32 lbs HEAVIER! Hell yes!

This last month I have not lost much, but again, I will blame that on the pain I was in. So just 4 lbs lost in the last 30 days. No real change in the "future hourglass" measurements either. That's OK. I know my body is now adjusted to the new eating plan, and I will have to step up the exercising.

I'm ready, the cooler weather is just about upon us. Fall, my favorite season just before winter, my birth season. Now I will come alive again. I will be the phoenix. The pain in my side is gone, it isn't gallbladder, it isn't something more serious. Amen.

So I'm ready. Let's go.

On a sad note, the cat in the photo (on the top right of the page), Smokey Josephine, has left us. She was a wild child hunter, and I will think of her up there now with her great surrogate mother and my guardian angel, Sena.

When I started this weight loss project, we were a house of 5, a strong trinity of female power. Now we're a house of 3 and I am the only female. I hope that I gained their strength of spirit.

Biggest Loser & Britney's "Fat"

No change.

Are you inspired or dismayed by the Biggest Loser TV show? I think I am both, equally.

Check this winner out. I'm actually most impressed by the 3rd photo - woman in blue dress. Dramatic difference.

BUT THEY HAVE PERSONAL TRAINERS AND ALL THE WEIGHT LOSS EQUIPMENT IN THE WORLD TO USE!

Yes, that's me whining. Actually I wouldn't want Jillian Michaels breathing down my neck for all the money in the world; I'd quit.

I have 10 lousy lbs until goal for haircut - 40lbs! So stalled.

I know I have decreased the water consumption. Cannot figure out why. Now I must be very conscious of it when instead I was just downing it like mad.

I should also recheck the fat cals of what I'm eating. I am getting bored with turkey. Might go back to chicken for a week.

Also, I'll be going to that October 27 wedding solo. Lenny's godson is getting married in PA, of course. So, I guess I'll just find some hot single wedding guest to dance with....umhmmmm.

And on a note I cannot even believe I am blogging about: Britney's "fat" performance at the VMAs. Seriously, read that. Come on people. What are we saying here? IF she's fat, then 60-70% of the female population should just give up right now. I figure that many are over size 10. Yes, wrong wardrobe choice, not a fan of hers to begin with...but I think it was overblown. Just like everything else we as a society tell young girls. Sigh.

Weight Loss Notice

Just a quick note to say that one of the loudmouth witches at work zoomed by me, then stopped, then dramatically turned around and eyeballed me.

"Heyyyyy is it me or have you lost a ton of weight?"

Wow, I knew it would happen some day but I never thought it would happen like that. SO many answers came to mind:

"No it is you, your vision must have gotten fatter..." OK so that doesn't make sense, I still wanted to say it! Along with mind your own business, have you gained a ton of weight, just because I've lost weight doesn't mean I want to talk to you about it, and my personal favorite Shut the Fuck Up loudmouth.

Instead I said "Nice of you to say..."

She pressed me, can you believe it? "So, did you?"

Um, if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, it must be a dumbass gossip whore standing in front of me!!

I refused to answer. I changed the subject, "Hey what did you do with your dog when you went on vacation?"

POOF goes the subject of my weight loss, thankfully.

It is one thing for friends to notice. That will make me glow. It is quite another thing for the nasties at work to comment on it like it is some juicy piece of gossip. That will just make me glower.

Trying to Heal from Back Pain

total lost: 30 lbs
total days: 80

Well I haven't lost. But I've maintained. This is good. This helps me see that I could survive, I could live like this. I've even had a meal out. I've even had some alcohol and some carbs (it will forever be yummy to me) so I know that I could maintain once I reached goal.

But the reason I know I haven't lost is because of the back pain. It just stole all my energy and spirit. I can say that today is the first day in more than two weeks that I can sit here without pain. The pain is from a combination of weakened muscles and stress so it is hard to know what is going to set if off at any given point. But I hope this improvement lasts as I try to strengthen the muscles in the area where the fat has most disappeared. Hopefully I can get to a point where I'm walking Chad again around the lake as well.

So I'm trying not to feel disappointed. See this is what happens when I set goals. All that talk about the wedding at the end of October and how I wanted to be down another 30 lbs. Since I said that I've hardly lost anything. This is why it is better for me to just look day to day and not so far ahead. That is how I lost the last 30 lbs. I didn't have a set goal date. And it just happened.

Dreamfields & Miracle Noodles

total lost: 30 lbs
total days: 66

Finally down another pound. I am struggling with this muscle pain in my back and shoulder, just makes it impossible to do anything so my energy output is very low. But I must listen to my body and let it heal, not push it.

Wanted to review the two "pasta" products that have entered my life. They're very different and I can see incorporating both of them into this new eating lifestyle.



Dreamfield's Pasta (I had the rotini.)

Taste: FANTASTIC! There is no funky aftertaste either.
Facts: Their big claim is that you're only consuming 5 grams of digestible carbs, the glycemic index is 13, and you're getting 5 grams of fiber. There's no doubt about it, this pasta is much better for you than the traditional pasta. However, I must caution: 1. This isn't on the Kimkins diet. 2. You're consuming 190 cals for 2 oz (2/3 cup), and 3. There are 42 grams of total carbs.
In the end: If you need a "pasta fix" once a month, consider this product. Remember that whatever sauce you add to it will increase your cals, etc. Also, limit yourself to one cooked cup.
Tagline: Even the Italian BF cook thought the pasta was very good and trust me he's picky.



MiracleNoodles (I had the angel hair.)

Taste: Well, it really doesn't have a taste at all. That's the good part. Think like rice noodles. They absorb whatever flavors you add them to. However, they MUST be washed thoroughly.
Facts: Naturally water soluble fiber with no fat, sugar, or starch. * contain zero net carbohydrates and zero calories no gluten - noodles are made of a healthy natural fiber called Glucomannan, water, and a calcium additive, that's it. * wheat & gluten free. Basically, this is noodles made from yams. No cooking needed either, just add them in at the end and warm them.
In the end: You're definitely not going to hurt your diet with these. If anything, the fiber should help keep you regulated. This will not satisfy any Italian pasta craving. However, it is the perfect replacement for any rice or rice noodle dish you may have been missing. Think Asian stirfry for example or any type of lo mein. If you've been missing a savory Chinese takeout dish, you could probably come close to recreating it yourself with some soy sauce etc.
Tagline: Want that full feeling with no carbs and no cals added? Try these.

No Loss, No Gain

total lost: 29 lbs
total days: uncertain

Not much to say. No loss in a long time. Feeling very blue due to a pain in my lower back and another in my right shoulder. The right shoulder pain is a trigger point knot in the muscle behind the blade. It'll get worked out in 3 massage sessions. The lower back pain...well, time will tell. If it is connected to the trigger point pain, then it'll go away too. If not, I have to consider that it may be something serious. I'm thinking positive.

In the meantime, this has me pretty much unable to do most active things. Even sweeping is difficult and walking Chad is nearly impossible, though I do it on my left side but not a long walk because all I need is for my left side to start hurting too.

I've lost some faith in losing quickly enough for the end of October. With a stall that lasts a week, how will I possibly lose another 30 lbs. Oh well. Sometimes this shit just happens.

The Next 30 lbs

Just have to vent...

My mother just can't understand this. I told her how much I'd lost in two months and all she could say was "Oh that's too much too soon. Do you really think that's wise?" Like she's some expert? Absolutely not, she is a constant Chicken Little worrying type. Heaven forbid that anything goes well. And I really felt like she burst my bubble. I held my own, I told her "Do you really think it was wise for me gain 40 lbs in the last year?" That made her quiet. Of course, no one knew that. You don't count the pounds on the way up. We don't sit there and say "Yup, up another pound, how great." But I felt lousy after talking to her.

At least I do have Lenny's observant "You're looking great hon, I really see a difference" comments and warmth through this. For all his flaws, he has always been very supportive of my self esteem. He knows how hard it is for me to deal with my mother's negativity. I think he knows because his ex-wife was like that with their son. Very manipulative.

I know it is going to take another 30 lbs before the loss is really visible. I have a wedding at the end of October to attend. That's my next social engagement goal to reach. So I just keep repeating to myself: 12 lbs more until haircut, 30 lbs more until buying a new dress for the wedding.

And the big question...am I going alone or will Lenny come with me? Who knows. We'll see.

To Live This Life

What do you want?
To go on or to give up?
To go the distance or call it a day?
Aim high, pack it in,
Open up, close down.
Live this life
or wait for death.
Stand up or walk out.
Tell me
What do you want?
How could it be better, my brother?
What would make it sweeter, my sister?
What do you need,
My mother,
my lover,
my soul,
What will it take
To find the love
To live this life?

2 Months Basic Stats Update

total lost: 29 lbs
total days: 60

Yes, it's been 60 days. Things have definitely slowed down but there's still movement toward that land called "Virgin Fat Zone." That's a weight you've never seen before except on the way UP the scale. For me that would be about xxx lbs.

Measurements on Day 60:
bicep - 14 inches (3 inches lost)
neck - 15 1/2 inches (same)
bust - 48 inches (4 inches lost)
waist - 47 inches (4 inches lost)
hips - 57 inches (3 inches lost)
thigh - 28 inches (2 inches lost)
60 days = 16 inches lost

Tell her what she's won Bob!

She's won a renewed sense of energy with a hopeful outlook for the future. She's also won a dramatically lower chance of heart problems and cancer, in addition to being better able to cope with all the possible inheritance of her mother's ailments. Isn't she a lucky one?!

Love my friends, but not with food

total lost: 28 lbs
total days: 59

Well, I had a very enjoyable weekend with my friend Sweden visiting. I did indulge in some carbs. I managed to skip the potatoes (no small feat for me) on Saturday, but I could not resist her urging to share a dessert (brownie and ice cream and fudge) nor could I resist the margarita. Does that make me an alcoholic as well as a starchaholic? I don't know. On Sunday I went even further into the depths of carbohydrates when we went to Holsten's, the now legendary ice cream parlor at the end of the Sopranos. Grilled cheese, fries, onion rings. I had them all. And a small ice cream sundae. I enjoyed every minute of eating it all. But I really fell into a slump, a lethargic slump. I didn't want to do anything, I got a massive headache, and I felt like I couldn't move. Walk around the lake? Are you kidding me? I couldn't get out of bed. I'm not sure this is 100% due to the carb and fat intake, but it had to have something to do with it.

So I was going to wait an entire week to weigh, but this morning I couldn't pass by the scale without it seeming to taunt me. So I got it over with. OK, so no loss. Tomorrow is 2 months on the program. 28 lbs is not bad for having fallen off twice now. I don't want to limit my social life, my enjoyment of friends and family because of food. That just doesn't seem right! I think the balance lies in moderation. The question is can an addict find moderation? I'm not so sure they can, because the very nature of an addict is that they cannot find middle ground. And so the battle continues.

Love is the answer to the question How...

Am I broken and can I be fixed?

total lost: 28 lbs
total days: 54

Well, am I?

Am I broken?

Can I be fixed?

Look at that loss, isn't it fantastic? Almost 2 months, almost 30 lbs.

So what's wrong?

*blue sigh*

The heart is willing, but the brain is still working this out. I can't seem to handle the trigger stress about money without reaching for the comfort of food.

Yesterday I got hit with news that my landlord wanted to raise my rent, after being told a month previously that the lease would be renewed as is. So needless to say, I was confused, upset, and trying to calculate how I could afford an increase when my cost of living expenses have skyrocketed and my salary has dropped. Anyway, the issue has ended up with a loophole because he missed the timeframe to offer me new terms on a renewed lease so I get another year at the same rate. But I didn't know that this morning. I thought I was going to have to move this morning.

Anyway, last night I was OK. There isn't anything in the house for me to go wild on, unless I eat 10 fat free fudgicles in a row, but even then it isn't like ordering an entire pizza or something. But this morning, I had to drive down Temptation Road and when I saw Calandria's coming up, I just knew I was pulling in there. Yup, one loaf (at least I went small) of semolina bread.

The smell nearly made me drool. And the taste was incredible. And now all day I am thinking about this. Why did I do it? Why couldn't I have resisted? And what's the big deal? It was just a small loaf of bread, like tiny pieces of melba toast, but extremely fresh.

The big deal is that if I cannot control my impulses, how am I going to keep myself for the rest of my life at 160? How am I going to maintain when life hits me with a wild pitch?

I need a way to handle the stress differently. I should have exercised, yes. But it was pouring rain and I do mean heavy rain, not the wimpy drizzle. I should have.....what?

What should I have done to avoid that moment in the car? Called someone? My emergency diet police. That's still a temporary fix. What's the long-term answer?

Any suggestions?

Time will tell.

What do you eat?

Several people have asked me, "So, what exactly do you eat?"

So here's my simple week of food. It isn't exciting, and it isn't too varied, but it suits me. Usually I cook all my meals on Sunday and then portion them out for the week. This really helps me.

Breakfast
I have the chocolate whey protein shake powder. I tend to make that in the morning now and drink it on the drive to work. I add 1/4 teaspoon liquid flavored splenda to sweeten it just a bit. I also add 1 heaping teaspoon of L-Glutamine which is amino acid.

Lunch
Lean ground turkey breast (not just ground turkey) mixed in with old el paso (less sodium than the other brands) taco flavoring packet, sauteed sweet Italian peppers and onions. Sometimes I add one tablespoon of reduced fat Mexican blend shredded cheese.

or

Grilled chicken breast or chicken cutlet (thinner sliced breast), sauteed peppers and onions. Sometimes I add a tablespoon of nonfat greek style plain yogurt mixed with a bit of minced garlic. This reminds me of the fabulous Turkish food I used to eat when I was married. It is good to re-establish good memories with healthy food.

Dinner
Usually, whichever one I haven't had for lunch, I'll have for dinner.

If I have the ground turkey for dinner, then I will also make egg white tortillas, which is one of the best surprises I've come across since starting this low fat, low carb eating style. You use about 1/2 cup of liquid egg whites and let it harden on the pan until you can flip it over and brown the other side. It takes a little practice, but it really holds up as a sturdy alternative to tortilla wraps. I fill the ground turkey, add a bit of plain yogurt, sprinkle some reduced fat cheese, roll it up and place it in the toaster oven for a few minutes.

I try to alternate every two weeks or so on what the main protein is for the week.

Some variations:
lean turkey cutlets
ground buffalo
lean turkey sausage
omelets, scrambled eggs, or egg "souffles" (whole eggs plus egg whites)
steak (once a month treat)

I will also throw in a salad of mixed greens once in awhile but usually only while I'm at the work cafeteria and I bring my own walden farm dressings. I also allow myself one meal per week that I don't plan, just to try to "train" myself into thinking about making healthier choices while at a restaurant or among other people. This is perhaps the toughest part and I admit I did have a veggie sandwich on ciabatta bread, but I refused the chips that came with it. So I am learning.

Snacks or Desperate Moments
I have tried the low carb tortilla wraps. They're a bit chewy and instead of using them for burritos, I much prefer to save them for a crisis moment when I need to have a "pizza" in which case I'll put some tomato paste (not sauce) and some cheese and maybe some turkey bacon on top and bake it for a few minutes. Limit to rare once a month.

Pre-cooked shrimp, wrapped with turkey bacon and grilled. Twice a month or so.

Two tablespoons of fat free coolwhip, mixed with one Dannon carbsmart/sugar control blueberry & cream or strawberry & cream yogurt. Toss in a tablespoon of shaved almonds. Frozen, this stuff tastes very close to soft serve ice cream and has saved me many a time from caving in and going to the homemade stand down the road. Once a week during summer.

Fat free Popsicle brand Fudgicle. Pretty harmless.

And finally, for that PMS moment when I want to really do some damage to myself, I turn for one of these chocolate cups and I split the portion over 48-72 hours. In other words, take one cup and divide it 4 ways. It really hits the spot, especially the dark chocolate goodness. Again, once a month, not once a week.

Beverages
As I said, I'm drinking the tea for kidney function. Other than that, water is my best friend. There is a calculation of how much water a person should drink, and I am at about one gallon a day. It depends upon your activity level, your weight, and whether or not you're purposely trying to lose weight. I really feel a difference. Is there such a thing as drinking too much water? Yes. However, as I can barely drink one gallon, I find it impossible to imagine someone could drink 15 liters (a little less than 4 gallons) without realizing they're harming themselves.

That's it really. Moderation is the key.

No more entire pints of ice cream. No more entire bags of pretzels. No more two large french fries with cheese. No more bagels, french toast, or pancakes. Not right now. Now is the time to lose what eating all of that has caused me to gain. I know in the future once I've lost the remaining 111 lbs I will choose to live a life that has very little refined carbs. White rice, potatoes, bread, pasta. The very things I used to live on day in and day out, I will have to save as "once-a-week" treats along with a very consistent exercise program. I hope to be riding horses, skiing, bike riding, swimming, and any other activity that might interest me at that time.

More Digestive Talk

total lost: 26 lbs
total days: 49

Sorry for the continued topic but it is of great importance. Without proper digestion, we might as well just give up the fight. Yes, I am down 2 lbs in 2 days and that is fantastic in light of the time of the month. However, digestively speaking, I just don't feel 100% well.

Here is the product suggested by the massage nutritionist: Ω-Zyme™ ULTRA

I'm not jumping all over it because I don't know how much it costs. The store it indicates is near me has a huge markup on their products and their products don't exactly fly off the shelf and always seem a little dusty to me. I also don't like that it has cellulose and maladextrin in it. There are SO many enzyme products out there, that I think it pays to hunt around. Am I concerned about how many carbs or sugars it'll add? Yes but not to a large extent. I mean if it is helping with digestion, that is all that would matter to me. If it increases the carbs a little, it might slow down the loss process but not that much. I still think the loss I've accomplished is fantastic FOR ME. Others are losing faster, but I don't care about others. I just care about my own health first and foremost. This isn't a competition between anyone besides me and the FAT monster that has been weighing on my bones all these years.

The product I think I will try first is this one: Biozyme 102 Enzyme Powder. I admit, the powder form of it doesn't thrill me, but I like the idea of it getting into the system right away, and I like the idea that it doesn't contain any extra garbage, and I can order it online. Yes we have to be educated consumers about what we're purchasing, but in the end one person's opinion is just one person's opinion.

And my opinion at this point is that enemas are a good emergency remedy, but for long-term digestion assistance, I've got to find a supplement! Oh come on, laugh with me! LAUGH!

Dietary Enzymes & BioDynamic Tea

total lost: 24 lbs
total days: 47

Well, I am finally unstuck and feeling better than I did all week as I head into PMSland. After 5 days stalled, and a nasty side effect that went along with it, I am down one pound and feeling some relief in my system as well.

My massage therapist who is a nutritionist (and happens to believe that we shouldn't eat dead animals but anyway...not the point here). He said that if I am eating a lot of high protein, my body is going to have trouble digesting it. He recommended adding a dietary enzyme (that is just an example and not an endorsement) to my intake of vitamins and supplements. He said this would help more nutrients of what I am eating to be absorbed into the body, relieve bathroom issues and would allow the weight loss to continue to be steady. He said is it not a "Fat blocker" or any of that diet BS. It is a supplement to what the body produces already. He did not recommend the WOE that I've chosen to lose this weight. He said it is quick loss but hard not to regain. I said no, it won't be hard to maintain weight level. While I appreciate his concern, he doesn't know me. He doesn't know this is my 2nd trip down the scale. He doesn't know that I couldn't possible live on beans and brown rice as he suggested. Having said that, I am looking into the dietary enzyme, because I definitely don't want the issues I experienced this week to continue. From what I've read so far about enzymes, it sounds like everyone should add them to their eating plan because as we get older, our body doesn't produce as many.

And I think it is fair to say that losing almost all fiber and fat in one's diet is not always the best thing. I think having a day of veggies to help with the fiber aspect isn't a bad idea. So be careful, and consider a fish oil supplement if not also a fiber supplement.

Also, I have consulted with a tea expert. I explained that I wanted to remove toxins from my system and help my kidneys function well. She suggested Makaibari Green tea as it is a biodynamic tea and I will be buying some today.

Diet Foolery

total lost: 23 lbs
total days: 44

It is very frustrating to have followed the plan for days and not seen a loss. I have seen this happen with friends on other plans and I have seen this happen with members on this plan. They just ride it through, sometimes going one to two weeks without a drop. I guess this is my test of patience. Oh sweet powers that be, please don't test me too long. It isn't that I want to lose quickly, it is that I want to lose steadily. Even if it was just a .5 loss per every other day, I could handle that. What has likely happened here is that my 1 cup of rice breakdown last week stalled me. Yes I dropped the pounds I'd regained, but nothing since. I suspect that is what happened.

Well anyway, I can speak to something that is interesting: I don't mind being in the kitchen anymore. I don't mind cooking so much. It used to nag at me before, it was such a burden to have to make food. I think that was because I knew I wasn't making things that were good for me, or I thought it would be too complicated. Whatever the reason, I can't say that I adore it now, but I can say that I don't mind it. And I enjoy accomplishing something.

For example, did you know you can basically make a substitute tortilla wrap out of egg whites? True enough! You just heat about 1/2 cup of liquid egg whites in a very heavy bottom pan (or omelet pan for those who have ever heard of such a thing) and be patient while it hardens. Then use a very thin spatula to flip it over with to brown the other side. When done you should have a rather sturdy substitute tortilla wrap. Really rather amazing.

Now obviously part of this is "diet foolery" in which you tell yourself that this is the best you're going to get for something you used to enjoy in another form. But I think if it weren't for that angle, many people would give up on their weight loss plans. For many of us it is about making different choices - for the rest of our lives. And that is what is daunting and that is what makes me relate to the other addicts, because I can only look ahead to one day.

So don't think about the rest of your life; it's impossible to even imagine that by your birthday in December, you might be in onederland. Eating well and living well will come to you more easily when you've lost the pound equivalent of Nicole Richie or Mary Kate Olsen. Right now that weight is clouding your vision of the future; you simply cannot imagine it. So just take it one day at a time and stay the course. It'll happen.

Loving (or Even Liking) Myself

total lost: 23 lbs
total days: 42

Well, I guess we know that my weight can fluctuate 2 lbs in 24 hours. How interesting. So I should chill, right? What matters is how much I weighed 7 days ago (xxx lbs), and that's a 3 lb loss. That is still above average for most who are dieting. Not that I'm competing at all, just not my style.

So, today's thoughts are much like previous thoughts.

I am an addict.

Not everyone who needs to lose weight is, but I am. I definitely am. And I have to find a way to live with this addiction. I know I've said this before, but it really hasn't fully sunk into me yet I think. I need to explore it more. I need to consciously live it.

Other people in the forums who started around mid-June like I did, are saying how they can't believe how much food controlled their life, what they did, when they did it, who they did it with, all revolved around food. They're saying that now, 1 and 1/2 months later, they have so much free time and feel released from their bonds with food.

*blue sigh*

For me, I still seem to be shackled to the need for carbs. Mentally, the bond is tied tightly so I guess I'm still sorting that out.

• Hang out with a friend, I will want to eat and drink...and no, not good food, bad food.
• Watch a movie at home, I will want to have something to put in my mouth.
• Watch a movie in the theater, I must have popcorn.
• Go to the lunch cafeteria with the skinny minnies, I will want to sink into every carb-filled item there.
• Wake up with the taste of pancakes in my mouth. I wasn't even conscious!? WTF?

When will I shake the monkey on my back? Will it always be there, taunting me?

Letting it go, reaching out toward the light, enveloping myself in feeling good, and just stop thinking about food! I think I will start to play the self hypnosis tape while I'm awake in the house instead of just at night.

Why can't I just be happy about my loss so far? Everyone else (with the exception of my Mom) thinks it is great. After all, any weight off is a benefit to my health and happiness. It just doesn't seem like a lot. I don't compare it to anyone else; I know that everyone is different. But I guess it just doesn't seem like a difference. I wonder if it will feel better at 40 lbs lost.

Is that a flaw of mine - I want it all? Or I want too much? Yes, I suppose I've always wanted more than I've had, more than I could possibly get, and always been disappointed.

And I have no patience.

And I give up too soon, on myself.

Ironically, I never give up on others I love.

Hmmm how about that.

Feeling Trapped

"Seems like I'm caught up in your trap again
Seems like I'll be wearing the same old chains
Good will conquer Evil
And the truth will set me free
And I know someday I will find the key
I know somewhere I will find the key
But right now I'm trapped...
I'll teach my eyes to see
Beyond these walls in front of me
Someday I'll walk out of here again"
- Jimmy Cliff



I said that I would always be honest with myself doing this. No bullshitting. Two damn pounds back on. Why? Well let's analyze shall we?

Wednesday night: Went to a stupid company recognition celebration. Had two red wine spritzers and four tiny hors d'oeuvres the size of a fingertip. That's it. Came home, ate nothing, but drank water like a fish to try to flush out the carbs I'd eaten.

Thursday: Stuck to the plan during the day, then at night sunk into a miserable black hole feeling. Actually drove to a Chinese restaurant, order a small white rice, drove it home, and measured out 1 cup and ate it. If this sounds like the actions of a mentally unstable individual, please alert the authorities. Why did I do this? Well, it is all very logical in my mind (sure it is you say to yourself while looking for an escape route). You see, what I really wanted was a plate of Aussie cheese fries from the Outback. If you've had them, you know what I'm talking about. So in comparison, my cheat was about 90 grams of carbs versus 1 billion grams of carbs. I can't beat myself up about the cheat but I do try to make myself feel better by saying it could have been worse, I could have gained 4 lbs.

*blue sigh*

I do not know if I can label what it was that sank me into misery in an attempt to try to prevent my cheat from happening in the future. There is a good chance it was the dismal news at work and feeling trapped there after talking with yet another recruiter who tried to get me into a 6-month gig at half of what I'm currently earning. I don't know what planet they're on, but I'm a single woman renting a house on a lake with a fenced-in backyard. They have no idea how much that costs. Take a pay cut? They must be joking, because I can barely pay my bills now.

So that must be it, feeling trapped caused me to seek out that comforting feeling of a FULL stomach, loaded with carbs. Right, well....so what? I did it.

The question I'm left with now is why can't my body be like everyone else's? Yup that's me whining again. And before you tell me that the majority of people in this country have weight issues, stop. I know that, but I'm talking about a difference of 100 lbs here, not 20 lbs. Why can't I just digest and metabolize food like a thin person? I wish I knew. And no it isn't a thyroid issue.

And the other thing that is plaguing me is that how can I live like this the rest of my life? If a cup of cooked rice is going to cause a 1 lb gain and two wine spritzers are going to cause a 1 lb gain, then how am I ever going to live a normal life? Am I going to have to become an exercise addict just to balance it out? Perhaps I should go volunteer my Saturday mornings at the local stable mucking out stalls, because walking 2.6 miles around the lake doesn't seem to be enough.

*blue sigh*

Size 22

Not much to say except I'm into my size 22 jeans. Yeahooo baby. I've got two pairs of 20s also sitting in the closet to motivate me, and a pair of 14s from 1987. I wore those jeans on my first vacation with my girlfriends to Bermuda. I have a photo of me in those jeans and I look so cute.

Right now I feel like if I could just get to the point where I could pull those jeans up my legs, I would feel such a sense of accomplishment. Someday. I remember weighing 160 lbs back then, I remember feeling so fat too. Now look, that's my goal. I'll reassess when I get there. Everyone says oh you'll never look the way you did when you were 17. Well no obviously. That's not the point and it bothers me when people say that. The point is to reach 160 lbs...whatever shape is left on my body. I haven't had children, there's a chance I might get into those size 14s if not to wear then just to pull them on.

But let's not put the cart before the horse. Let's try to get out of the 70s and into the 60s. The next reward is at xxx lbs...haircut and coloring those grays!

Welcome to Your Life

"Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are" - Bon Jovi

Here are my 20 lbs lost flowers. They are more beautiful than the way any food tastes. Wish I could share the beautiful scent of these flowers with everyone. I think the Alstromeda are my favorite, besides tulips. I love the scent of the lilies but their pollen is such a pain.

I cooked all my food for the week, and I feel such a sense of accomplishment. Chad and I will walk around the lake again like we did yesterday. My feet are hurting less and less, which is definitely a good thing.

This is my life and I'm living it.

Going Down a New Path

morning weight 20 lbs in 35 days!

20 LBS LOST!

My mother actually said: "Well that's not good...."

*blink*

Thanks for the support UN$#%^&INGBELIEVABLE! What planet is she on? Oh yes, wait, the planet that thinks too much weight lost too quickly means you're starving yourself. The planet that thinks it isn't possible to lose weight and feel good about yourself.

Excuse me while I compose myself!

OK, now...RAH HAH YAY BOOYAH HURRAH for me!

So my 20 lb goal reward included Lenny, who isn't available today. Hmm, well, that's OK. I didn't know I would hit the goal today. I will buy myself some flowers and get my reward from him later. And in the future, my 20 lb goals will include rewards only with myself so there won't be any waiting!

So here's the lowdown:

Previous post: Face shot at xxx lbs

Today at xxx lbs:






I honestly don't see a bit of difference, and I think I look better in the other photo. How funny is that? But I know that the scale isn't lying and the tape measurement isn't lying either. Photos are so funny anyway, depending on lighting and makeup and hair, etc.



Measurements at 4.5 weeks:

• bicep - 16 inches (no loss)


• neck - 15 inches (loss of 1/2 inch)


• bust - 49 inches (loss of 1 inch)


• waist - 46 inches (loss of 1 inch)


• hips - 58 inches (no loss)


• thigh - 28 inches (no loss)

35 days = 13.5 inches lost

Today I can even feel a sense of excitement about life again. I have to mow the lawn and I'm actually looking forward to it. And my beloved baseball team is on national TV so I can watch them! They play hard every day and I have to play hard too. Some days we'll win, some days we'll lose.

Sena, can you see me? I'm smiling sweetie.

Is Frog on my Totem?

WAHOOOOO! I have broken the stall! I am a filly and I have kicked down the barrier! They key may have been that I drank so much water yesterday I thought I would float away. Out of the 80s and into the 70s. I needed to hear this with the weekend upon me!

I have had some unusual experiences with animals lately and there is a belief that animals can carry messages from the spirit world: so far, the bluejay, the raccoon, (both before Sena died) and the turtle (the day Sena died). And now the frog yesterday...

I opened the door to the office building (and this is a big corporate 750 + building) this morning and sitting just inside the door was a small frog. It was completely terrified of where it was. I put down everything and I tried very hard to get this small frog to go out the door. I became quite obsessed about my task. I was afraid someone was going to step on the frog before I could get it outside. After many minutes, and many people walking by, I managed to get it to hop outside at least. But it was a long way to the grass as this was the back loading dock/security area. THANK GOD a coworker was walking in and helped me by picking the frog up and walking with it to the grass. For some reason, I was terrified to do this. And I also know that I didn't imagine this bizarre experience.

So I got to my desk and I burst into tears. I could not stop crying. I think because I had spent the entire hour drive into work telling myself that I had to find a way to survive without Sena.

I can only hope that frog went in the right direction to live, and that I can find the direction too.

Whine, whine, whine

Same place I stalled last time....no loss.

I feel lousy tonight. I feel whiny. Why does everything have to be so difficult? Why do I have to suffer this way about food?

My mom sent a gift basket for Lenny, thanking him for helping out with Sena. And for some reason, because he wasn't able to come pick it up tonight, I got very very upset. I know it is because just about everything in that gift basket is stuff I cannot eat, including homemade items that my mom went through a lot of effort to make: Zucchini bread and oatmeal cookies. Why can't I just be normal? Why did I have to get so affected (or infected as the case may be) when I was a child by all the influences around food? Yet, even when I was very young, I apparently chose starch over other food choices. I still think there's an imbalance in me, and that is partly why I crave the carbs.

This carb-limiting way of eating is supposed to help retrain my body to process food correctly. Well I can tell you tonight, it is going to take a damn long time.

Back Down

Excellent. My re-dedication has worked. 3 lbs from mini goal. I can do this. I have shifted my thoughts a little bit, taken a chill pill, and included Sena in my efforts. I know when she was alive, she did everything she could to bring a smile to my face and keep the pain of the outside world at bay. Now, I must carry that shield, keep smiling, and keep losing.

When I reach 20 lbs lost, I will take another face photo. I know you can't wait either!

One Month - 14 lbs

Today is my re-dedication. I am heading back down in the right direction. My sights are clear.

This is my one month mark, and although I had lost 17 lbs, I'm now at 14 lbs lost. And someone reminded me that on most diets and eating plans, 14 lbs lost in 30 days is a lot. So, I'm going to just take it for what it is and be thankful.

I re-dedicate being healthy to myself and to my sweet Sena.

I'm going to do what I could not do while you were alive Sena. I'm going to beat this weight problem. I'm going to be as thin and active as I was when you were a puppy. We had such a fun time in those days (even though I thought I was so fat then!).

I'm going to live a healthy life sweetie. I love you. I miss you. Walk beside me on this journey. I'll be looking for you.

Living & Learning

Ha. A gain of 7 lbs. Well isn't that just amazing. Three days of not sticking to the diet combined with full throttle PMS, and bam, there goes the weight, right back up. I guess that is evidence that carbs are bad for me. Some pasta, a bagel, fries, and tequila were the main culprits.

And the food didn't make me feel any better, so there's really no reason to eat it. It wasn't the comfort I had thought it would be. And the tequila was nice but I don't have to have it. It was just a matter of convenience, a lazy matter of "I don't care, I feel like I want to die so there..."

<<>>

At age 37, 6 months away from turning 38, I don't have to feel like I want to die; I am dying. With this weight, I am slowly killing myself. OK so we all make mistakes; I can learn.

I think it is time to start living a life that is worth having my "heart of gold" for. Because I have all this love inside me, a heart of joy and warmth to share, yet I'm held back by all this weight and insecurity about myself. I can't have all that I want when I feel this miserable about myself. It is the ultimate choice.

And for those thoughts about "you should just accept yourself the way you are," well, um no. Because this weight is not WHO I am. This is an uncomfortable body suit that I have been allowing myself to wear to hide the beautiful person that is inside me.

I have to change. I may have lost my motivation in the haze of losing Sena, but I know that she would not give up. So she remains my inspiration. And I have the perfect fast-paced walking companion in Chad. He takes two steps for my every one step. Just as soon as these blisters between my toes heal, we're walking!

I will lose the weight. At my pace, on my terms, using Kimkins, I will lose it. Maybe not in 6 months. But maybe in one year, like I had originally hoped.

The Forbidden Tastes Rotten

Just a note to myself:

Remember tonight when you thought "oooooh bacon cheddar ranch fries..." sounded good? Remember when you took your 4th bite and thought you might hurl right then and there? Yeah. Not good. Remember this. Your tastes have apparently changed a bit. You thought what you forbade yourself to eat was going to taste so good once you got it and look what happened. You hated it.

HOW BIZARRE.

Maybe you really can do this for life. Change how you think about food.

Giving It a Rest

No weight lost. I feel too pressured. Can't drink, can't eat, can't think, can't sleep.

I've given myself permission to relax a bit between now and Monday. This means, no scale, no food counting, taking sleeping pills, and not thinking.

She was the love of my life; my canine soul mate if you will. I must learn to go on without her in the flesh and open myself to possibility that she will walk with me in spirit.

I hope so, I hope so.

3rd Day Stalled

morning weight: xxx lbs (no loss in 3 days...what the hell...ugh)

This is enough to send me off to buy some comfort food. Someone said to me "Oh calories shouldn't count at times like these." Well, guess what, they do. For an addict, they damn well do. In fact, they count more. If I allow myself to eat my emotions, how will I ever learn an alternate coping device for the rest of my life? Eating emotions is not healthy.

In other pointless news, the virtual model simulator decided that xxx lbs didn't look all that different from xxx lbs and 160 lbs didn't look all that different from 180 lbs or 140 lbs. So go figure. A glitch in the system perhaps.

I forced myself to take Chad for a walk. Who's that you might wonder? Funny and sad that I've never mentioned him but he has never really been my inspiration for losing weight. He's my 2 year old Belgian Laekenois. And no, as you can see, he doesn't look anything like Sena, which at this point is probably a very good thing. He's much more than I can handle right now and I wish I could just have some time alone. But I know it isn't his fault and I'll never take my anger or sadness out on him. That would just be criminal. But not paying enough attention to him is also not a good thing.



Anyway, in the sweltering 90 degree 100% humidity weather, we didn't go too far, but maybe just maybe it'll jumpstart my system into dropping some weight.

I just want to go back to bed. It's better than eating some nasty carbs.

Modeling Myself Thin

What does one do at 3am? Well, this was fun in a disgusting sort of way. The model simulator give you 6 angles to rotate the model. Sideview was horrrrrrrifying.

Even if this is only remotely accurate imagining, it is cool to see what 160 lbs would look like based on the proportions of my frame that I calculated in. See, 160 lbs isn't too heavy at all. It just goes to show that:

• society who thinks 5'7 needs to be 135 lbs are just insane
• men simply cannot accurately guess anyone's weight

I should go back and see what 40 lbs less would be and so on. It might be a fun motivational tool (and no, I'm not living in a van down by the side of the river).



Believe it, you will achieve it!

Model made at Virtual Model.

A Moment of Peace

No physical weight loss, emotional weight gain: heavy yet light

Today is the day that my sweet Sena has gone to sleep and she is now resting free from pain.

I believe that all the animals (Frisco, Shadow, George, Remy, Ashley, Murphy, Pence, Violet, Elijah, Daz, to name just a few) she knew in her life who have gone on before her are waiting at the Rainbow Bridge to greet her.

If you can, tonight, Monday July 9, please light a candle in memory of all of our beloved pets. We can light the way to the Rainbow Bridge and Sena can look down with all the other animals and see all of the flickering lights of love we have for them.

May you find a moment of peace in your day.

Sena's Dogster Page

Holding On

morning weight: xxx lbs (17 lbs lost)

That is such a good thing. I need to give that fact some more praise:

17 lbs lost! I'm almost out of the 80s. Holy smokes!

That is the only good thing I have to say and believe me I'm holding on to the goodness of that news with a choke hold because I want nothing more than to drown my sorrows in some serious comfort food. Let's see let's torture myself...what would I have had in my previous starchaholic life: a box of pasta with butter, 4 or 5 potatoes, a pint of ben and jerry's, and perhaps a bag of cheetos. Yup then I would be so numb and so full in my stomach that the pain would have been pushed back a bit from the forefront of my mind.

Sena's last days seem to be upon us. Don't worry, I'm not letting her suffer. She's on some pain medicine just while I sort out details. Our lifetime vet is in another state, so you can imagine that I'm trying to figure out how to take care of everything and feel secure about it. I already have a lack of trust for two vets right near me, and private cremation is a must. I need to try to trust my instincts on who to deal with and my instincts are always a little fucked up when I'm so emotional.

I don't know why I'm writing this all out here as it has nothing to do with weight loss. I guess it doesn't matter too much as I write for myself and that's what is on my mind today.

I liked my little treat of fat-free cool whip and a spoonful of chopped almonds. I also found some fudgicles that only had 3 carbs; believe it or not brands like weight watchers and the skinny cow had way more than that.

Mini goal is right around the corner. Come a little closer, let me kiss you!

Screwballs

morning weight: xxx lbs

Thankfully, at least this is going in the right direction again. Five lbs to mini goal. I don't really feel it in my clothes, except perhaps a little in the waist. I'm not complaining! Just recording the facts.

Nothing else really feels right - especially what's going on with Sena. I suppose it is all a great big test to see if I will give up on myself because life throws me some screwballs.

Ahhhhh screwballs, remember buying those off the ice cream truck Suzie? I think they were orange sherbet with a gumball at the bottom. Not all my childhood memories are tied to food...are they?!

_______________________

OK so 15 lbs in 19 days. Trying to motivate myself here:

As of today, there are 179 days left in the year. Now, help me out with this because I'm an English major and can barely add and subject. If I were to keep losing an average of 15 lbs every 20 days (which according to Kimkins folks IS possible), then I could potentially reach my goal weight by the New Year! Oh my god is that correct?! There are approximately 9 more 20-day periods left in the year, therefore if I lost 15 lbs for every 20-day period, then I could lose xxx lbs which is more than I set to lose. Oh my god, is that correct?

*staring stunned & dazed*

On the Carb-Inhaling Edge

morning weight: xxx lbs (no loss)

Happy 4th. Hoo-rah! I used to love this holiday but now the fireworks freak Sena out into a anxiety attack, so I hope it rains like hell tonight. Doesn't seem likely, but there might be a thunderstorm which is just as bad for her. Despite the 70 degree weather, I will have the fans and ACs blasting and the TV blaring to drown out as much of the bad noise as possible. She's got enough stress being unable to walk and being on pain meds, she doesn't need anything added to it. Which is another reason I didn't invite anyone over. I just don't want to entertain.

I don't know why there's no loss today. It is my 1st stall perhaps, they speak of these stalls in the 3rd week (check) or when someone has too much beef (check) or when someone hasn't drunk enough water (that's definitely not me). Trying not to dwell on it but it really bums me out. And I'm having steaks with the dogs today so that's more beef. I need a break from chicken.

It's just the kind of day when you want to go and eat nachos at Moe's or a bowl full of butter popcorn while watching a movie. It's the kind of day when you feel all alone as an addict and you think reaching out to talk to someone about it just won't help. It's the kind of day that is more dangerous than the others because you have some idle time on your hands and you have those cravings that have been calling you for days and you don't have adequate food to put into your mouth instead and you know you have to go to the grocery store, yet you secretly hope they close early for the holiday before you can get there and then you'll be forced to order Chinese food.

Umhm. Pathetic line of thought. Self-sabotage.

Instead, what will we do? Think! Use that brain of yours instead of that stomach and that lousy emotional heart. Think!

1. Eat before shopping is a must.
2. Shop immediately.
3. Buy lots of carb-lite alternatives.
4. Watch movie.
5. Work on short story.
6. Play violent video game and pretend the bad guys are fat carbs attacking you.
7. Take Chad for a walk (and don't feel guilty that Sena cannot go).

I wish I was the type of person who felt cleaning the house was a good thing to do when stressed, but I can't for the life of me muster up an ounce of care about that.

We've got a jumper here in progress; send backup!

Standing Still

morning weight: xxx lbs (that's 14 lbs gone if you're math impaired like I am)

I just want to know: who rigged my scale?!

Some days there just isn't much to say.

Life rolls on even when we feel we're bystanders for the day.

6 lbs to mini goal.

Isn't she gorgeous? The one and only Sena.

Eat, Breathe, Live

Today was a horrible day. Today I learned that there is a growth on Sena's spine or pressing against her spine from within the bladder...hard to say exactly. May or may not be malignant. But since she already has transitional cell carcinoma it seems likely, even though her body does produce benign fatty tumors like crazy. Waiting to hear more from tests and radiologist consultation. Whatever it is, it seems to be the cause of what is hurting her leg by pressing on the nerves running off the spine. My poor baby girl is in so much pain, but only when she tries to walk - which is a dumbass thought isn't it? I mean, if you can't walk, you're pretty much fucked. I have a pretty serious opiate drug to sedate her. It sucks either way, to see her in yelping pain or to see her dazed and drugged. I didn't think the turn to this would come so suddenly. Three weeks ago she was herding sheep.

This blog isn't supposed to be about my life outside of losing weight, but Sena's situation makes any talk about my weight seem ridiculous. And besides that, I want to crawl into the largest chocolate cake I can find and just die. Sounds like something only a true addict would say. Well I guess that's what I am. And I guess the only difference between an addict and a recovering one is whether or not they follow through on their cravings. Right now, I haven't indulged. But I feel it coming on, calling to me from the corners of my mind as well as the television, the work cafeteria, and everyone else around me. People say "Don't do it, you'll feel worse afterwards." And I do appreciate them saying that. As true as that is though, if you're an addict you know, you know that at first you'll feel a pseudo envelopment of comfort, warmth, and a sense of peace that feels so real. The overload of carbs and starch will settle into your belly and make you feel like you're going to burst from fullness and you can feel whole in a way you can't feel any other way.

This is the feeling you're supposed to get from life. This is the feeling you're supposed to get from loved ones. This is not the feeling you're supposed to get from food. You cannot use food to mask your emotions. Eating is a necessity, not a pleasure. There is too much "fun" attached to eating. It isn't a hobby or a form of entertainment. Eating should be thought of like breathing; we do it because we have to, not because we want to. How long are we going to make love to food in this decadent life?

Blog Updates by Email

morning weight: xxx lbs

OK fantastic. I am 7.5 lbs away from my 20 lb goal. Going to aim to hit that for Sunday. Anyone want to take bets?

Well, you can all subscribe now to the blog. I think it will send you an email...kinda bums me out that you won't be visiting the lovely design I've made here, but I'd rather you read and send me support when you can than not read at all.

So on the right, you'll see a handy little orange icon. If you click that, it'll prompt you for information to sign up for free. Ta-da! Never miss a word I write.

I Survived!

morning weight: xxx lbs

WOW! Not only did I NOT gain while my mother was here, I LOST 4 lbs more.

I survived! I exceeded my expectations!

If I can survive a week like that, I think I really can do this. I've walked through the most temptations I can imagine. I turned down aisle upon aisle of refined carbs. I resisted offers to eat out at very fattening restaurants, and when I was in a restaurant I kept my order carb-free. I got through the constant comments about what I was eating, and the tiny little moments of guilt I felt for taking care of myself instead of joining my mother in chips and ice cream and loaves of bread. I did not eat my emotions. Granted, I was a bit cranky having to defend myself all the time, but in the end I did what was best for me. Perhaps I can work on the crankiness.

This is a very helpful boost - I need to deal with the other stresses of work and Sena's illness.

Measurements at Week 2:
bicep - 16 inches (loss of 1 inch)
neck - 15 1/2 inches (same)
bust - 50 inches (loss of 2 inches)
waist - 47 inches (loss of 4 inches)
hips - 58 inches (loss of 2 inches)
thigh - 28 inches (loss of 2 inches)

16 days = 11 inches lost

75 lbs of Stress

I feel as though I have gained 75 lbs of stress. What a week. After 3 days, I felt I was going to break and I did. I had a slice of banana bread. Well, I guess it could have been worse. I didn't continue. I went right back to the no carbs.

Mom ate every carb possible, and unfortunately for me, it created some tension. She really seemed to resent that I wasn't eating what she wanted to eat. It was bizarre. Oh well.

I am nervous about weighing and taking my measurements tomorrow. I don't feel I have lost anything. I've tried to prepare myself for the worst: having regained the 8 lbs, purely through stress. Well, if that's the case, then that's the case. All I can do is set my sights on the next day ahead and not looking back at the past.

I am feeling more and more like an addict. I can't be around the "bad" foods without wanting them. I woke up one day this week wanting potatoes. The craving lasted more than 24 hours. I didn't give in to it, but it made me feel lousy.

Sena is extremely unwell. I don't know what it is yet - nerve, muscle, bone. The cancer maybe? Hard to know. Tests will be done on Monday morning. Until then, my sweet diva girl is unable to walk more than a few steps at a time.

Compared to worrying about her, not eating potatoes is -- well -- small potatoes.

Hard Week Ahead

I've stopped weighing myself for the week. My mother is here visiting, and I just don't feel it would be mentally sound for me to obsess about the scale while she's here. Plus, it'll be a good way to see if I can break the "every day weigh" habit.

Of course, there are at least 7 different types of refined carbs in the house now that she's here. The woman traveled from CT with 5 different types of bread! FIVE! One for every day of the week? Honestly...the starch level is off the charts. And the pressure to eat is insane. Why does that happen? I hadn't even been aware of that factor really until I saw my Mom chomping on tortilla chips. I didn't even want tortilla chips but I wanted to be eating something! Talk about a bad feeling. The sugar-free jello didn't quite cut the mustard.

Of course she understands on some level what I'm trying to do, but on other levels she doesn't get it. She doesn't understand why there aren't fruits on the food plan (because the body processes them as sugar) and what is wrong with a little ice cream (almost pure fat into the bloodstream).

If I can just not regain the 8 lbs lost, I will be relieved.

Lack of Hunger

I really don't understand how this is working.

I have no hunger. Even after a full day of work, giving the two dogs baths, and mowing the lawn, I have no appetite. I am not taking an appetite suppressant. I just don't feel hungry. This could become a problem if I stop eating. I certainly won't lose as much weight then because my body will go into shock and I will become weak.

I think I will let my body tell me when it is hungry next.

What is really odd is that if I did all that activity while I was still overdosed on starch (as I certainly was), then I would be starving and pulling everything out of the cabinets to eat.

The body is an odd and fascinating thing for sure. Mine is re-educating itself about food. I am just fortunate that so far it hasn't seemed as hard. It would be great if the rest of the weight came off this effortlessly.

Out of the 90s - Round One

I have lost the 90s! Yahooooooo!

8 lbs gone. Fantastic.

Some people have expressed concern not to lose too much too quickly. Fair enough. I just want it to be gone so that I can feel better -- when I feel better I know that the weight will not come back.

I regained the weight I'd lost because I started feeling really bad about myself again. I went from a very high positive to a very low negative opinion of myself right after I started working in an office setting again. Knowing this going forward, if I am going to maintain any weight loss while working in corporate life, I must keep myself extremely positive. I am going to start meditation, both for relaxation stress relief and to start looping positive thoughts about myself.

Just a side note to the foods and supplements I'm eating, I am also taking a multivitamin (One-a-day WeightSmart) which the program highly recommends as well as an iron supplement for my anemia. Some day soon I hope to be able to donate blood again. Nothing feels better to me than helping someone else.

Sena is much more alert and energetic this morning. Perhaps a combination of the cortisone and the reiki. I only know that it was a delight to see her "trot" outside instead of hobble along. Many thanks and blessings to those who have helped us with this crisis.

Day 5: 7 lbs G O N E

SEVEN POUNDS LOST IN FIVE DAYS!

Thank you Kimkins!

My review of L-Glutamine will be here shortly.

Sena is definitely a bit more of herself this afternoon. Still not 100% but I think we're getting there.

Now I must mow the jungle! I'm Jane. Where is my Tarzan?

_________________

Well, it rained on my jungle. Tarzan will have to wait. Another day of growth before I can mow it.

So L-Glutamine. Powder form, flavorless kind (as opposed to the cherry etc).

Well. I've taken 3 teaspoons in 3 different ways over 36 hours.

1. Mixed into a glass of bottled water. Blech.

2. Mixed into a glass of iced tea. Ehh, left teeth feeling chalky.

3. Taken directly off the spoon and chased with a large glass of water. Yup. That will have to be the way for me. The great taste of anything is a good chaser and it gets the powder out of the mouth quickly.

The powder consistency is like flour, ironically a huge no-no in a no carb diet. But of course this powder is protein not carb. L-Glut is sold in pill form as well, but everything I've read say that the powder is the best form.

Maybe I'll try a flavored one next month when I need to buy more.

I can't say there is an effect after taking it for a day and a half, but I can say that on this life changing food plan for 5 days, I have not once felt hungry. Ever. Like....I don't have any interest in dinner. For me, that is monumental.

Don't Eat Your Emotions

"I eat like a guppie. Some day my stomach will explode."
Kathy Griffin, from My Life on the D-List

morning weight: did not weigh

OK so, I watch as much comedy as I possibly can. Horror? No thanks, I would just fixate on all the bad stuff. I have a hard enough time watching Criss Angel Mindfreak with some of the freaky gross stuff he does. That's horror enough. But comedy...give it to me baby. I need to laugh. And laugh. Until I'm gasping for air and about to die from lack of oxygen. Watching Kathy Griffin's reality show last night, I did laugh. But it was also the episode in which her father died. And that was just not funny. However, she did say the above quote (I am paraphrasing until I get it exactly quoted), and added that is how she would likely die, by exploding. As I was laughing and nodding, I stopped myself. No...that's not how I will die. I will not ever eat to the point of feeling like my stomach is going to explode.

Don't eat your emotions. Don't do it. We always did eat our emotions in my family. You're happy? Celebrate with a BIG dinner, cake, ice cream. You're not feeling well? You're sad, your boyfriend just broke up with you, you lost the hockey game, etc? EAT, you'll feel better. I think we defined the term comfort food. I know, I'm not from the only Polish-Italian family in the world, but my family is the only one I had to grow up in.

I couldn't be more stressed right now. Sena isn't well, I've got work to complete that will have me up all night, and my mother is coming to visit starting Sunday and I can never clean to her standards.

Acupuncture and cortisone shot for Sena: $229
Container of L-Glutamine for my cravings: $40
Additional acupuncture treatments for Sena: $65/each

Have you heard about those dogs and cats that paint? I wonder if Sena would be interested. Perhaps I could auction the paintings off. Come on, wouldn't it be great to fund the treatments? "Arthritic, cancer-battling Diva dazzles humans with her insightful pawprints..."

I was bound and determined to find L-Glutamine today. Online it is everywhere (and much cheaper but who knows if it is a good source), but I decided not to wait for shipping. So on my way home (on a day in which I ate nothing and drank two cups of tea), I went down what I will now dub "Devil's Temptation Road." On my way to the health store, I passed my favorite Mex place Moe's, a Wendy's that was piping french fry scent and an Outback that one could smell at least 200 feet from the steakhouse. Despite my lack of food today, I wasn't hungry when I started the trip. By the time I was done, I could have eaten my own hand.

I survived though, because I had a pact with a friend. If she wasn't going to eat her emotions today after hearing some bad news, then I wasn't going to either.

So won't you hum a little tune with me?

"Just a spoonful of L-Glutamine makes the appetite go down, the appetite go down, the appetite go down....."