Losing Weight; Finding Men
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
total lost: 23 lbs
total days: 44
It is very frustrating to have followed the plan for days and not seen a loss. I have seen this happen with friends on other plans and I have seen this happen with members on this plan. They just ride it through, sometimes going one to two weeks without a drop. I guess this is my test of patience. Oh sweet powers that be, please don't test me too long. It isn't that I want to lose quickly, it is that I want to lose steadily. Even if it was just a .5 loss per every other day, I could handle that. What has likely happened here is that my 1 cup of rice breakdown last week stalled me. Yes I dropped the pounds I'd regained, but nothing since. I suspect that is what happened.
Well anyway, I can speak to something that is interesting: I don't mind being in the kitchen anymore. I don't mind cooking so much. It used to nag at me before, it was such a burden to have to make food. I think that was because I knew I wasn't making things that were good for me, or I thought it would be too complicated. Whatever the reason, I can't say that I adore it now, but I can say that I don't mind it. And I enjoy accomplishing something.
For example, did you know you can basically make a substitute tortilla wrap out of egg whites? True enough! You just heat about 1/2 cup of liquid egg whites in a very heavy bottom pan (or omelet pan for those who have ever heard of such a thing) and be patient while it hardens. Then use a very thin spatula to flip it over with to brown the other side. When done you should have a rather sturdy substitute tortilla wrap. Really rather amazing.
Now obviously part of this is "diet foolery" in which you tell yourself that this is the best you're going to get for something you used to enjoy in another form. But I think if it weren't for that angle, many people would give up on their weight loss plans. For many of us it is about making different choices - for the rest of our lives. And that is what is daunting and that is what makes me relate to the other addicts, because I can only look ahead to one day.
So don't think about the rest of your life; it's impossible to even imagine that by your birthday in December, you might be in onederland. Eating well and living well will come to you more easily when you've lost the pound equivalent of Nicole Richie or Mary Kate Olsen. Right now that weight is clouding your vision of the future; you simply cannot imagine it. So just take it one day at a time and stay the course. It'll happen.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
total lost: 23 lbs
total days: 42
Well, I guess we know that my weight can fluctuate 2 lbs in 24 hours. How interesting. So I should chill, right? What matters is how much I weighed 7 days ago (xxx lbs), and that's a 3 lb loss. That is still above average for most who are dieting. Not that I'm competing at all, just not my style.
So, today's thoughts are much like previous thoughts.
I am an addict.
Not everyone who needs to lose weight is, but I am. I definitely am. And I have to find a way to live with this addiction. I know I've said this before, but it really hasn't fully sunk into me yet I think. I need to explore it more. I need to consciously live it.
Other people in the forums who started around mid-June like I did, are saying how they can't believe how much food controlled their life, what they did, when they did it, who they did it with, all revolved around food. They're saying that now, 1 and 1/2 months later, they have so much free time and feel released from their bonds with food.
For me, I still seem to be shackled to the need for carbs. Mentally, the bond is tied tightly so I guess I'm still sorting that out.
- Hang out with a friend, I will want to eat and drink...and no, not good food, bad food.
- Watch a movie at home, I will want to have something to put in my mouth.
- Watch a movie in the theater, I must have popcorn.
- Go to the lunch cafeteria with the skinny minnies, I will want to sink into every carb-filled item there.
- Wake up with the taste of pancakes in my mouth. I wasn't even conscious!? WTF?
When will I shake the monkey on my back? Will it always be there, taunting me?
Letting it go, reaching out toward the light, enveloping myself in feeling good, and just stop thinking about food! I think I will start to play the self hypnosis tape while I'm awake in the house instead of just at night.
Why can't I just be happy about my loss so far? Everyone else (with the exception of my Mom) thinks it is great. After all, any weight off is a benefit to my health and happiness. It just doesn't seem like a lot. I don't compare it to anyone else; I know that everyone is different. But I guess it just doesn't seem like a difference. I wonder if it will feel better at 40 lbs lost.
Is that a flaw of mine - I want it all? Or I want too much? Yes, I suppose I've always wanted more than I've had, more than I could possibly get, and always been disappointed.
And I have no patience.
And I give up too soon, on myself.
Ironically, I never give up on others I love.
Hmmm how about that.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Seems like I'll be wearing the same old chains
Good will conquer Evil
And the truth will set me free
And I know someday I will find the key
I know somewhere I will find the key
But right now I'm trapped...
I'll teach my eyes to see
Beyond these walls in front of me
Someday I'll walk out of here again"
- Jimmy Cliff
I said that I would always be honest with myself doing this. No bullshitting. Two damn pounds back on. Why? Well let's analyze shall we?
Wednesday night: Went to a stupid company recognition celebration. Had two red wine spritzers and four tiny hors d'oeuvres the size of a fingertip. That's it. Came home, ate nothing, but drank water like a fish to try to flush out the carbs I'd eaten.
Thursday: Stuck to the plan during the day, then at night sunk into a miserable black hole feeling. Actually drove to a Chinese restaurant, order a small white rice, drove it home, and measured out 1 cup and ate it. If this sounds like the actions of a mentally unstable individual, please alert the authorities. Why did I do this? Well, it is all very logical in my mind (sure it is you say to yourself while looking for an escape route). You see, what I really wanted was a plate of Aussie cheese fries from the Outback. If you've had them, you know what I'm talking about. So in comparison, my cheat was about 90 grams of carbs versus 1 billion grams of carbs. I can't beat myself up about the cheat but I do try to make myself feel better by saying it could have been worse, I could have gained 4 lbs.
I do not know if I can label what it was that sank me into misery in an attempt to try to prevent my cheat from happening in the future. There is a good chance it was the dismal news at work and feeling trapped there after talking with yet another recruiter who tried to get me into a 6-month gig at half of what I'm currently earning. I don't know what planet they're on, but I'm a single woman renting a house on a lake with a fenced-in backyard. They have no idea how much that costs. Take a pay cut? They must be joking, because I can barely pay my bills now.
So that must be it, feeling trapped caused me to seek out that comforting feeling of a FULL stomach, loaded with carbs. Right, well....so what? I did it.
The question I'm left with now is why can't my body be like everyone else's? Yup that's me whining again. And before you tell me that the majority of people in this country have weight issues, stop. I know that, but I'm talking about a difference of 100 lbs here, not 20 lbs. Why can't I just digest and metabolize food like a thin person? I wish I knew. And no it isn't a thyroid issue.
And the other thing that is plaguing me is that how can I live like this the rest of my life? If a cup of cooked rice is going to cause a 1 lb gain and two wine spritzers are going to cause a 1 lb gain, then how am I ever going to live a normal life? Am I going to have to become an exercise addict just to balance it out? Perhaps I should go volunteer my Saturday mornings at the local stable mucking out stalls, because walking 2.6 miles around the lake doesn't seem to be enough.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Right now I feel like if I could just get to the point where I could pull those jeans up my legs, I would feel such a sense of accomplishment. Someday. I remember weighing 160 lbs back then, I remember feeling so fat too. Now look, that's my goal. I'll reassess when I get there. Everyone says oh you'll never look the way you did when you were 17. Well no obviously. That's not the point and it bothers me when people say that. The point is to reach 160 lbs...whatever shape is left on my body. I haven't had children, there's a chance I might get into those size 14s if not to wear then just to pull them on.
But let's not put the cart before the horse. Let's try to get out of the 70s and into the 60s. The next reward is at xxx lbs...haircut and coloring those grays!
Sunday, July 22, 2007
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are" - Bon Jovi
Here are my 20 lbs lost flowers. They are more beautiful than the way any food tastes. Wish I could share the beautiful scent of these flowers with everyone. I think the Alstromeda are my favorite, besides tulips. I love the scent of the lilies but their pollen is such a pain.
I cooked all my food for the week, and I feel such a sense of accomplishment. Chad and I will walk around the lake again like we did yesterday. My feet are hurting less and less, which is definitely a good thing.
This is my life and I'm living it.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
My mother actually said: "Well that's not good...."
Thanks for the support UN$#%^&INGBELIEVABLE! What planet is she on? Oh yes, wait, the planet that thinks too much weight lost too quickly means you're starving yourself. The planet that thinks it isn't possible to lose weight and feel good about yourself.
Excuse me while I compose myself!
OK, now...RAH HAH YAY BOOYAH HURRAH for me!
So my 20 lb goal reward included Lenny, who isn't available today. Hmm, well, that's OK. I didn't know I would hit the goal today. I will buy myself some flowers and get my reward from him later. And in the future, my 20 lb goals will include rewards only with myself so there won't be any waiting!
So here's the lowdown:
Previous post: Face shot at xxx lbs
Today at xxx lbs:
I honestly don't see a bit of difference, and I think I look better in the other photo. How funny is that? But I know that the scale isn't lying and the tape measurement isn't lying either. Photos are so funny anyway, depending on lighting and makeup and hair, etc.
Measurements at 4.5 weeks:
- bicep - 16 inches (no loss)
- neck - 15 inches (loss of 1/2 inch)
- bust - 49 inches (loss of 1 inch)
- waist - 46 inches (loss of 1 inch)
- hips - 58 inches (no loss)
- thigh - 28 inches (no loss)
35 days = 13.5 inches lost
Today I can even feel a sense of excitement about life again. I have to mow the lawn and I'm actually looking forward to it. And my beloved baseball team is on national TV so I can watch them! They play hard every day and I have to play hard too. Some days we'll win, some days we'll lose.
Sena, can you see me? I'm smiling sweetie.
Friday, July 20, 2007
I have had some unusual experiences with animals lately and there is a belief that animals can carry messages from the spirit world: so far, the bluejay, the raccoon, (both before Sena died) and the turtle (the day Sena died). And now the frog yesterday...
I opened the door to the office building (and this is a big corporate 750 + building) this morning and sitting just inside the door was a small frog. It was completely terrified of where it was. I put down everything and I tried very hard to get this small frog to go out the door. I became quite obsessed about my task. I was afraid someone was going to step on the frog before I could get it outside. After many minutes, and many people walking by, I managed to get it to hop outside at least. But it was a long way to the grass as this was the back loading dock/security area. THANK GOD a coworker was walking in and helped me by picking the frog up and walking with it to the grass. For some reason, I was terrified to do this. And I also know that I didn't imagine this bizarre experience.
So I got to my desk and I burst into tears. I could not stop crying. I think because I had spent the entire hour drive into work telling myself that I had to find a way to survive without Sena.
I can only hope that frog went in the right direction to live, and that I can find the direction too.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
I feel lousy tonight. I feel whiny. Why does everything have to be so difficult? Why do I have to suffer this way about food?
My mom sent a gift basket for Lenny, thanking him for helping out with Sena. And for some reason, because he wasn't able to come pick it up tonight, I got very very upset. I know it is because just about everything in that gift basket is stuff I cannot eat, including homemade items that my mom went through a lot of effort to make: Zucchini bread and oatmeal cookies. Why can't I just be normal? Why did I have to get so affected (or infected as the case may be) when I was a child by all the influences around food? Yet, even when I was very young, I apparently chose starch over other food choices. I still think there's an imbalance in me, and that is partly why I crave the carbs.
This carb-limiting way of eating is supposed to help retrain my body to process food correctly. Well I can tell you tonight, it is going to take a damn long time.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
When I reach 20 lbs lost, I will take another face photo. I know you can't wait either!
Monday, July 16, 2007
This is my one month mark, and although I had lost 17 lbs, I'm now at 14 lbs lost. And someone reminded me that on most diets and eating plans, 14 lbs lost in 30 days is a lot. So, I'm going to just take it for what it is and be thankful.
I re-dedicate being healthy to myself and to my sweet Sena.
I'm going to do what I could not do while you were alive Sena. I'm going to beat this weight problem. I'm going to be as thin and active as I was when you were a puppy. We had such a fun time in those days (even though I thought I was so fat then!).
I'm going to live a healthy life sweetie. I love you. I miss you. Walk beside me on this journey. I'll be looking for you.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
And the food didn't make me feel any better, so there's really no reason to eat it. It wasn't the comfort I had thought it would be. And the tequila was nice but I don't have to have it. It was just a matter of convenience, a lazy matter of "I don't care, I feel like I want to die so there..."
At age 37, 6 months away from turning 38, I don't have to feel like I want to die; I am dying. With this weight, I am slowly killing myself. OK so we all make mistakes; I can learn.
I think it is time to start living a life that is worth having my "heart of gold" for. Because I have all this love inside me, a heart of joy and warmth to share, yet I'm held back by all this weight and insecurity about myself. I can't have all that I want when I feel this miserable about myself. It is the ultimate choice.
And for those thoughts about "you should just accept yourself the way you are," well, um no. Because this weight is not WHO I am. This is an uncomfortable body suit that I have been allowing myself to wear to hide the beautiful person that is inside me.
I have to change. I may have lost my motivation in the haze of losing Sena, but I know that she would not give up. So she remains my inspiration. And I have the perfect fast-paced walking companion in Chad. He takes two steps for my every one step. Just as soon as these blisters between my toes heal, we're walking!
I will lose the weight. At my pace, on my terms, using Kimkins, I will lose it. Maybe not in 6 months. But maybe in one year, like I had originally hoped.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Remember tonight when you thought "oooooh bacon cheddar ranch fries..." sounded good? Remember when you took your 4th bite and thought you might hurl right then and there? Yeah. Not good. Remember this. Your tastes have apparently changed a bit. You thought what you forbade yourself to eat was going to taste so good once you got it and look what happened. You hated it.
Maybe you really can do this for life. Change how you think about food.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
I've given myself permission to relax a bit between now and Monday. This means, no scale, no food counting, taking sleeping pills, and not thinking.
She was the love of my life; my canine soul mate if you will. I must learn to go on without her in the flesh and open myself to possibility that she will walk with me in spirit.
I hope so, I hope so.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
This is enough to send me off to buy some comfort food. Someone said to me "Oh calories shouldn't count at times like these." Well, guess what, they do. For an addict, they damn well do. In fact, they count more. If I allow myself to eat my emotions, how will I ever learn an alternate coping device for the rest of my life? Eating emotions is not healthy.
In other pointless news, the virtual model simulator decided that xxx lbs didn't look all that different from xxx lbs and 160 lbs didn't look all that different from 180 lbs or 140 lbs. So go figure. A glitch in the system perhaps.
I forced myself to take Chad for a walk. Who's that you might wonder? Funny and sad that I've never mentioned him but he has never really been my inspiration for losing weight. He's my 2 year old Belgian Laekenois. And no, as you can see, he doesn't look anything like Sena, which at this point is probably a very good thing. He's much more than I can handle right now and I wish I could just have some time alone. But I know it isn't his fault and I'll never take my anger or sadness out on him. That would just be criminal. But not paying enough attention to him is also not a good thing.
Anyway, in the sweltering 90 degree 100% humidity weather, we didn't go too far, but maybe just maybe it'll jumpstart my system into dropping some weight.
I just want to go back to bed. It's better than eating some nasty carbs.
Even if this is only remotely accurate imagining, it is cool to see what 160 lbs would look like based on the proportions of my frame that I calculated in. See, 160 lbs isn't too heavy at all. It just goes to show that:
- society who thinks 5'7 needs to be 135 lbs are just insane
- men simply cannot accurately guess anyone's weight
Believe it, you will achieve it!
Model made at Virtual Model.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Today is the day that my sweet Sena has gone to sleep and she is now resting free from pain.
I believe that all the animals (Frisco, Shadow, George, Remy, Ashley, Murphy, Pence, Violet, Elijah, Daz, to name just a few) she knew in her life who have gone on before her are waiting at the Rainbow Bridge to greet her.
If you can, tonight, Monday July 9, please light a candle in memory of all of our beloved pets. We can light the way to the Rainbow Bridge and Sena can look down with all the other animals and see all of the flickering lights of love we have for them.
May you find a moment of peace in your day.
Sena's Dogster Page
Saturday, July 7, 2007
That is such a good thing. I need to give that fact some more praise:
17 lbs lost! I'm almost out of the 80s. Holy smokes!
That is the only good thing I have to say and believe me I'm holding on to the goodness of that news with a choke hold because I want nothing more than to drown my sorrows in some serious comfort food. Let's see let's torture myself...what would I have had in my previous starchaholic life: a box of pasta with butter, 4 or 5 potatoes, a pint of ben and jerry's, and perhaps a bag of cheetos. Yup then I would be so numb and so full in my stomach that the pain would have been pushed back a bit from the forefront of my mind.
Sena's last days seem to be upon us. Don't worry, I'm not letting her suffer. She's on some pain medicine just while I sort out details. Our lifetime vet is in another state, so you can imagine that I'm trying to figure out how to take care of everything and feel secure about it. I already have a lack of trust for two vets right near me, and private cremation is a must. I need to try to trust my instincts on who to deal with and my instincts are always a little fucked up when I'm so emotional.
I don't know why I'm writing this all out here as it has nothing to do with weight loss. I guess it doesn't matter too much as I write for myself and that's what is on my mind today.
I liked my little treat of fat-free cool whip and a spoonful of chopped almonds. I also found some fudgicles that only had 3 carbs; believe it or not brands like weight watchers and the skinny cow had way more than that.
Mini goal is right around the corner. Come a little closer, let me kiss you!
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Thankfully, at least this is going in the right direction again. Five lbs to mini goal. I don't really feel it in my clothes, except perhaps a little in the waist. I'm not complaining! Just recording the facts.
Nothing else really feels right - especially what's going on with Sena. I suppose it is all a great big test to see if I will give up on myself because life throws me some screwballs.
Ahhhhh screwballs, remember buying those off the ice cream truck Suzie? I think they were orange sherbet with a gumball at the bottom. Not all my childhood memories are tied to food...are they?!
OK so 15 lbs in 19 days. Trying to motivate myself here:
As of today, there are 179 days left in the year. Now, help me out with this because I'm an English major and can barely add and subject. If I were to keep losing an average of 15 lbs every 20 days (which according to Kimkins folks IS possible), then I could potentially reach my goal weight by the New Year! Oh my god is that correct?! There are approximately 9 more 20-day periods left in the year, therefore if I lost 15 lbs for every 20-day period, then I could lose xxx lbs which is more than I set to lose. Oh my god, is that correct?
*staring stunned & dazed*
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Happy 4th. Hoo-rah! I used to love this holiday but now the fireworks freak Sena out into a anxiety attack, so I hope it rains like hell tonight. Doesn't seem likely, but there might be a thunderstorm which is just as bad for her. Despite the 70 degree weather, I will have the fans and ACs blasting and the TV blaring to drown out as much of the bad noise as possible. She's got enough stress being unable to walk and being on pain meds, she doesn't need anything added to it. Which is another reason I didn't invite anyone over. I just don't want to entertain.
I don't know why there's no loss today. It is my 1st stall perhaps, they speak of these stalls in the 3rd week (check) or when someone has too much beef (check) or when someone hasn't drunk enough water (that's definitely not me). Trying not to dwell on it but it really bums me out. And I'm having steaks with the dogs today so that's more beef. I need a break from chicken.
It's just the kind of day when you want to go and eat nachos at Moe's or a bowl full of butter popcorn while watching a movie. It's the kind of day when you feel all alone as an addict and you think reaching out to talk to someone about it just won't help. It's the kind of day that is more dangerous than the others because you have some idle time on your hands and you have those cravings that have been calling you for days and you don't have adequate food to put into your mouth instead and you know you have to go to the grocery store, yet you secretly hope they close early for the holiday before you can get there and then you'll be forced to order Chinese food.
Umhm. Pathetic line of thought. Self-sabotage.
Instead, what will we do? Think! Use that brain of yours instead of that stomach and that lousy emotional heart. Think!
1. Eat before shopping is a must.
2. Shop immediately.
3. Buy lots of carb-lite alternatives.
4. Watch movie.
5. Work on short story.
6. Play violent video game and pretend the bad guys are fat carbs attacking you.
7. Take Chad for a walk (and don't feel guilty that Sena cannot go).
I wish I was the type of person who felt cleaning the house was a good thing to do when stressed, but I can't for the life of me muster up an ounce of care about that.
We've got a jumper here in progress; send backup!
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
morning weight: xxx lbs (that's 14 lbs gone if you're math impaired like I am)
Isn't she gorgeous? The one and only Sena.
Monday, July 2, 2007
This blog isn't supposed to be about my life outside of losing weight, but Sena's situation makes any talk about my weight seem ridiculous. And besides that, I want to crawl into the largest chocolate cake I can find and just die. Sounds like something only a true addict would say. Well I guess that's what I am. And I guess the only difference between an addict and a recovering one is whether or not they follow through on their cravings. Right now, I haven't indulged. But I feel it coming on, calling to me from the corners of my mind as well as the television, the work cafeteria, and everyone else around me. People say "Don't do it, you'll feel worse afterwards." And I do appreciate them saying that. As true as that is though, if you're an addict you know, you know that at first you'll feel a pseudo envelopment of comfort, warmth, and a sense of peace that feels so real. The overload of carbs and starch will settle into your belly and make you feel like you're going to burst from fullness and you can feel whole in a way you can't feel any other way.
This is the feeling you're supposed to get from life. This is the feeling you're supposed to get from loved ones. This is not the feeling you're supposed to get from food. You cannot use food to mask your emotions. Eating is a necessity, not a pleasure. There is too much "fun" attached to eating. It isn't a hobby or a form of entertainment. Eating should be thought of like breathing; we do it because we have to, not because we want to. How long are we going to make love to food in this decadent life?
OK fantastic. I am 7.5 lbs away from my 20 lb goal. Going to aim to hit that for Sunday. Anyone want to take bets?
Well, you can all subscribe now to the blog. I think it will send you an email...kinda bums me out that you won't be visiting the lovely design I've made here, but I'd rather you read and send me support when you can than not read at all.
So on the right, you'll see a handy little orange icon. If you click that, it'll prompt you for information to sign up for free. Ta-da! Never miss a word I write.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
WOW! Not only did I NOT gain while my mother was here, I LOST 4 lbs more.
I survived! I exceeded my expectations!
If I can survive a week like that, I think I really can do this. I've walked through the most temptations I can imagine. I turned down aisle upon aisle of refined carbs. I resisted offers to eat out at very fattening restaurants, and when I was in a restaurant I kept my order carb-free. I got through the constant comments about what I was eating, and the tiny little moments of guilt I felt for taking care of myself instead of joining my mother in chips and ice cream and loaves of bread. I did not eat my emotions. Granted, I was a bit cranky having to defend myself all the time, but in the end I did what was best for me. Perhaps I can work on the crankiness.
This is a very helpful boost - I need to deal with the other stresses of work and Sena's illness.
Measurements at Week 2:
bicep - 16 inches (loss of 1 inch)
neck - 15 1/2 inches (same)
bust - 50 inches (loss of 2 inches)
waist - 47 inches (loss of 4 inches)
hips - 58 inches (loss of 2 inches)
thigh - 28 inches (loss of 2 inches)
16 days = 11 inches lost