Losing Weight; Finding Men
"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."
Friday, August 10, 2007
Am I broken and can I be fixed?
total lost: 28 lbs
total days: 54
Well, am I?
Am I broken?
Can I be fixed?
Look at that loss, isn't it fantastic? Almost 2 months, almost 30 lbs.
So what's wrong?
The heart is willing, but the brain is still working this out. I can't seem to handle the trigger stress about money without reaching for the comfort of food.
Yesterday I got hit with news that my landlord wanted to raise my rent, after being told a month previously that the lease would be renewed as is. So needless to say, I was confused, upset, and trying to calculate how I could afford an increase when my cost of living expenses have skyrocketed and my salary has dropped. Anyway, the issue has ended up with a loophole because he missed the timeframe to offer me new terms on a renewed lease so I get another year at the same rate. But I didn't know that this morning. I thought I was going to have to move this morning.
Anyway, last night I was OK. There isn't anything in the house for me to go wild on, unless I eat 10 fat free fudgicles in a row, but even then it isn't like ordering an entire pizza or something. But this morning, I had to drive down Temptation Road and when I saw Calandria's coming up, I just knew I was pulling in there. Yup, one loaf (at least I went small) of semolina bread.
The smell nearly made me drool. And the taste was incredible. And now all day I am thinking about this. Why did I do it? Why couldn't I have resisted? And what's the big deal? It was just a small loaf of bread, like tiny pieces of melba toast, but extremely fresh.
The big deal is that if I cannot control my impulses, how am I going to keep myself for the rest of my life at 160? How am I going to maintain when life hits me with a wild pitch?
I need a way to handle the stress differently. I should have exercised, yes. But it was pouring rain and I do mean heavy rain, not the wimpy drizzle. I should have.....what?
What should I have done to avoid that moment in the car? Called someone? My emergency diet police. That's still a temporary fix. What's the long-term answer?
Time will tell.