Losing Weight; Finding Men

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Loving (or Even Liking) Myself


total lost: 23 lbs
total days: 42

Well, I guess we know that my weight can fluctuate 2 lbs in 24 hours. How interesting. So I should chill, right? What matters is how much I weighed 7 days ago (xxx lbs), and that's a 3 lb loss. That is still above average for most who are dieting. Not that I'm competing at all, just not my style.

So, today's thoughts are much like previous thoughts.

I am an addict.

Not everyone who needs to lose weight is, but I am. I definitely am. And I have to find a way to live with this addiction. I know I've said this before, but it really hasn't fully sunk into me yet I think. I need to explore it more. I need to consciously live it.

Other people in the forums who started around mid-June like I did, are saying how they can't believe how much food controlled their life, what they did, when they did it, who they did it with, all revolved around food. They're saying that now, 1 and 1/2 months later, they have so much free time and feel released from their bonds with food.

*blue sigh*

For me, I still seem to be shackled to the need for carbs. Mentally, the bond is tied tightly so I guess I'm still sorting that out.
  • Hang out with a friend, I will want to eat and drink...and no, not good food, bad food.
  • Watch a movie at home, I will want to have something to put in my mouth.
  • Watch a movie in the theater, I must have popcorn.
  • Go to the lunch cafeteria with the skinny minnies, I will want to sink into every carb-filled item there.
  • Wake up with the taste of pancakes in my mouth. I wasn't even conscious!? WTF?

When will I shake the monkey on my back? Will it always be there, taunting me?

Letting it go, reaching out toward the light, enveloping myself in feeling good, and just stop thinking about food! I think I will start to play the self hypnosis tape while I'm awake in the house instead of just at night.

Why can't I just be happy about my loss so far? Everyone else (with the exception of my Mom) thinks it is great. After all, any weight off is a benefit to my health and happiness. It just doesn't seem like a lot. I don't compare it to anyone else; I know that everyone is different. But I guess it just doesn't seem like a difference. I wonder if it will feel better at 40 lbs lost.

Is that a flaw of mine - I want it all? Or I want too much? Yes, I suppose I've always wanted more than I've had, more than I could possibly get, and always been disappointed.

And I have no patience.

And I give up too soon, on myself.

Ironically, I never give up on others I love.

Hmmm how about that.

1 comment:

Bambinokim2 said...

well luv......... i totally get what your saying. it could be A) the woman are so involved with their children, husbands, running a house that they are too busy to recognize their cravings or have time to acknowledge them.........B) they are lying about there 24/7 euphoria C) your just a different animal and havent found your kind that knows exactly what those cravings are, and that NO they dont MENTALLY go away, and even though you lose weight physically, mentally you might need a professional to sort thoughts out with you ( not to be rude or say your crazy) so many of us feel the same way, but dont speak on it, because everyone likes to be happy and cheery, and come off as if we are swimming downstream with everyone else... maybe they are wearing mask and you refuse to wear that mask, you want to face the monster head on. i always tell people its irrational to ask the question WHY, that will only take us into a thousand responses... always remember that...whatever your going through, im here....:)

you're like butter to me

Just a Lovable Party Girl

Just a Lovable Party Girl
Sagittarius is born to travel the world and move upwards and outwards. Naturally gregarious, they love the idea of meeting different people and understanding foreign cultures. There is also a desire to broaden the mind too, with the possibility of many Sagittarians being lifelong students. Their outlook is generally optimistic and there is a distinct lack of concern over the smaller, practical details. A great sense of humor and a lack of petty mindedness are Sagittarian qualities too. Sagittarius is open -- open-minded, open-hearted and generous, up to a point. They like to get value and will not be quite so impulsive with their cash but they do have a natural ability to get on with people from many varied walks of life. They have an innate sense of wanting to help others and give them a hand up the ladder and can be wonderful and exciting companions. Expect an honest answer when you ask a question and maybe some long philosophic discussions into the night. Jovial, optimistic, versatile, open-minded, philosophical, sincere, frank, visionary.