"Seems like I'm caught up in your trap again
Seems like I'll be wearing the same old chains
Good will conquer Evil
And the truth will set me free
And I know someday I will find the key
I know somewhere I will find the key
But right now I'm trapped...
I'll teach my eyes to see
Beyond these walls in front of me
Someday I'll walk out of here again"
- Jimmy Cliff
I said that I would always be honest with myself doing this. No bullshitting. Two damn pounds back on. Why? Well let's analyze shall we?
Wednesday night: Went to a stupid company recognition celebration. Had two red wine spritzers and four tiny hors d'oeuvres the size of a fingertip. That's it. Came home, ate nothing, but drank water like a fish to try to flush out the carbs I'd eaten.
Thursday: Stuck to the plan during the day, then at night sunk into a miserable black hole feeling. Actually drove to a Chinese restaurant, order a small white rice, drove it home, and measured out 1 cup and ate it. If this sounds like the actions of a mentally unstable individual, please alert the authorities. Why did I do this? Well, it is all very logical in my mind (sure it is you say to yourself while looking for an escape route). You see, what I really wanted was a plate of Aussie cheese fries from the Outback. If you've had them, you know what I'm talking about. So in comparison, my cheat was about 90 grams of carbs versus 1 billion grams of carbs. I can't beat myself up about the cheat but I do try to make myself feel better by saying it could have been worse, I could have gained 4 lbs.
I do not know if I can label what it was that sank me into misery in an attempt to try to prevent my cheat from happening in the future. There is a good chance it was the dismal news at work and feeling trapped there after talking with yet another recruiter who tried to get me into a 6-month gig at half of what I'm currently earning. I don't know what planet they're on, but I'm a single woman renting a house on a lake with a fenced-in backyard. They have no idea how much that costs. Take a pay cut? They must be joking, because I can barely pay my bills now.
So that must be it, feeling trapped caused me to seek out that comforting feeling of a FULL stomach, loaded with carbs. Right, well....so what? I did it.
The question I'm left with now is why can't my body be like everyone else's? Yup that's me whining again. And before you tell me that the majority of people in this country have weight issues, stop. I know that, but I'm talking about a difference of 100 lbs here, not 20 lbs. Why can't I just digest and metabolize food like a thin person? I wish I knew. And no it isn't a thyroid issue.
And the other thing that is plaguing me is that how can I live like this the rest of my life? If a cup of cooked rice is going to cause a 1 lb gain and two wine spritzers are going to cause a 1 lb gain, then how am I ever going to live a normal life? Am I going to have to become an exercise addict just to balance it out? Perhaps I should go volunteer my Saturday mornings at the local stable mucking out stalls, because walking 2.6 miles around the lake doesn't seem to be enough.
Losing Weight; Finding Men
"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."