Losing Weight; Finding Men

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."

Friday, July 31, 2009

Friday Flowers

~Happy Friday. I just wanted to make your day better.~

That was the note from Chicago guy. The note that was attached to the flowers. The flowers that were delivered and waiting beautifully at my front door when I came home from work today.

Oh. My.

No reason.

Just wanted to make my day better.

And my day wasn't even bad.

But it sure felt all sorts of awwwwesome to get flowers from Chicago!

The basket is so large that I can barely fit my head in the photo.

And upon my thanking him, he said, "Seeing that smile is all I needed to make my Friday great."


I'm grinning like a banshee. Is this for realz? Seriously, where's the hidden camera?

12 more days.


I Ated It
BodyFortress Whey Protein (chocolate)
Bluebran vitatop muffin top
1/4 cup Kashi Moroccan pilaf (aka I can't believe I ate lentils)
grilled chicken breast
egg white omelet with summer squash, onions, green peppers
1 piece sprout Ezekiel bread with 1 tblsp Smart Balance chunky PB
2 Dove Promises dark chocolate w/ almonds squares
1 gallon water
12 ounces of unsweetened iced tea

NOTE: I am really enjoying the fresh veggies this summer. And I have been so nervous about adding good carbs into the eating plan, but it seems to have gone well. Unfortunately, I do feel the hunger monster again (in the morning and again at about 3), whereas for the past 2 years, I haven't felt hunger at all. That's a little disturbing. I know it is the carbs. I have to learn to be OK with that.

Not Breaking Dawn Yet

I sighed. You know, Edward, I've heard people refer to you "an emo kid who sparkles...."

Edward chuckled low, from where he sat in the corner of my living room, as if no insult could wound him after all he's been through, some of which I've yet to know. "That doesn't deny the fact that you want to be with me."

Yes, but....I'm not emo. (OK maybe I am a little bit. Can I be emo and almost 40? That is pathetic.) But more to the point, here's the thing....a real live guy is coming to visit me in 13 days, and....

"And what...?" Was there the slightest edge in his voice or had I imagined it? He can't be jealous, he has Bella after all.

Well, Edward, you're fictional.

"But I've never hurt you in any way like they all have..."

Technically, I suppose, although I could hold you not killing Bella outright as an affront to me. But I digress. What I'm trying to say is that...

"Your house is a mess, the garage is a mess, the backyard is a mess, and if you don't spend the weekend cleaning it, you're going to get stressed out, and then you're going to go eat a lot of really bad takeout?"

I frowned. Um, yes. Actually. Exactly. Damn vampire reading my thoughts.

Edward grinned suddenly, "Perfect."

I kept frowning, hating to disappoint my innermost escapist nature even if it is slothlike.

"I'll be your reward."

Hmm. You're sure? You're not going to disappear?

"I'm a fictional monster you're in love with...I've got nothing but time."

And that is how I talked myself into waiting to start Breaking Dawn, though it is driving me mad. I know I'm late on the curveball here anyway, so what's a little more time in the dark?

I am going to organize the garage and put together a 3-drawer unit from California Closet that I bought 4 freaking years ago. About time, don't you think?

And I just *might* go see The Ugly Truth.

For those who have called the mental ward: Don't worry, I don't really see Edward or talk out loud to Edward. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Did anyone see Stranger Than Fiction? Love that movie!


#13 / 138
Thursday, July 30
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 76
Average heart rate: 143
Max heart rate: 163
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 19@2.8 mph (last 15 min 3.0)
Calories: 911 Distance: 2.76 Time: 65:00

NOTE: Level 19 has yet to be fully mastered. It still kicks my ass, which is good, because there's only one level after it.

I Ated It
BodyFortress Whey Protein (chocolate)
Bluebran vitatop muffin top
TGI Friday's Dragonfire Chicken (437 fantastic calories, but 44 g of carbs)
2 TGI Friday's breadsticks (bad news!)
2 Dove Promises dark chocolate w/ almonds squares
1 gallon water
12 ounces of unsweetened iced tea

NOTE: Out to lunch I ordered the lowest calorie item on the menu. This was a big step for me, because the burgers were really screaming my name. I didn't feel full at the end, but I verbally talked myself out of that feeling. It was all mental and 20 minutes later, I didn't feel hungry.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Is There a Doctor...

...on my phone?

So, in case there was any doubt Doc Hawaii was a doctor, he PAGED me while I was on the treadmill. Hilarious to me. Like was there an emergency to talk to me? I'm surprised my phone didn't say STAT on it.

He was going on and on about how he's just going to take a photo of himself with his new camera phone and send it to me. I said OK, do it. Then he started telling me again about the new house. I understand, really, when people get new homes, there's such excitement involved. I just....I don't know....have any interest in hearing about it. The topics seemed random. From what he wants the gardener (*ahem*) to plant in the yard to replacing the doorknobs because the salt ate through them all, to the house having 3 decks (one for sun, one with covered shade, and I honestly can't recall the 3rd one), to how all good doctors will retire if Obama's healthcare plans go through, to how Michael Jackson's doctor is in deep shit. He just kept talking. He would ask me a question, but it didn't seem like he was really hearing my answers. He did remember that I was from Massachusetts, I'll give him that point.

He asked, "So how often do you get away..."

Well, darhhhhling, I simply hop on my private jet and fly off for the week-end any bloody damn time I want.

Oh wait, no, that's not me.

No. I have dogs. That's right.

And no money. But I do have a megamillions ticket. So you never know.

My answer, "Not nearly as often as I'd like...."

Judges say: Good answer, good answer. (Family Feud anyone?)

The closest he'll be to me geographically is (wait for it.....) Vegas in about a month's time. What is it with the references to Vegas in my life? All signs point to Vegas. Chicago guy and I haven't stopped talking about it. Oh what a laugh it would be if I could meet up with both of them in Sin City. Awkward......nahhhhhhhhhh.

I'm sure he'll forget to take a photo. I think he would forget his head if it wasn't attached. Hmmm, maybe he's been around anesthesia too long.


#12 / 138
Tuesday, July 28
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 74
Average heart rate: 134
Max heart rate: 1153
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 19@3.0 mph
Calories: 914 Distance: 2.82 Time: 65:00

NOTE: I may be stiff today but it was worth the high I felt last night. I'm getting nervous about meeting the Chicago guy, and the exercise definitely helped. But I need more sleep.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Weekend Reality Check

The Connecticut Paparazzi have posted the following images of me in my sunburned tequila state. They claim I actually wielded the camera on the 1st two shots, but I claim no knowledge. *ahem* All I can say is I had no idea I could be that shiny. Yes, tequila makes you sweat. Note to self: drink tequila only in the winter. I did, however, know I could be that fat. Just hate to see the evidence of it.

I have to say my high school friends look fabulous as ever. 22 years.....wow....sorry gals, I just had to say it!

I shared these photos with Guitar guy from Chicago. He thanked me but didn't say anything about the photos themselves.

Part of me hopes it will scare him away, but I learned yesterday his ticket is non-refundable. Well, he cannot claim I haven't been completely honest and upfront with him. What you see is what you get buddy, but you also get my humorous outlook on life, my wild interest in the bedroom, and my generous open heart. Hmmmm. Is he a guy who will recognize that? We'll just have to see.

Anyone watching More to Love? Why do I feel like the contestants are single rejects from The Biggest Loser? I don't think I can watch it, but I'm not sure I can look away from checking in to see how the train wreck progresses. Sadly, those are someone's daughters, sisters, cousins, etc. I don't think I could be on that. Well, I know I couldn't; I can't even walk in heels.


#11 / 138
Tuesday, July 28
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 81
Average heart rate: 149
Max heart rate: 127
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 18@2.8 mph
Calories: 840 Distance: 2.58 Time: 65:00

NOTE: Back in the gym. It wasn't tough once I was there and I purposely took it slow, but I was like a toddler kicking and screaming to get myself there. Obviously, if I were at goal weight, one wild weekend wouldn't matter. But when I'm trying to lose, one wild weekend is like being set back an entire month. It takes a month to lose 5 lbs........but the laughter and good feelings were worth 5 lbs.......

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Planning Ahead

It's Tuesday, and I've got nothing.

No enthusiasm for work at all.

  • Yes, lucky to have a job. Even one that demoralizes you daily.
  • Yes, lucky to have a place to live, so I can choke over that rent check every month. (Still no word from The SlumdogLords on renewal. I technically just gave my last month's rent. If I had to move, I couldn't afford it.)
  • Yes, lucky to be relatively healthy (just unable to lose weight).

Sometimes the things I feel lucky about are also the things that are weighing like an anchor around my neck. Anyway....moving on from glumville, shall we?

At my suggestion, Guitar guy from Chicago is going to get a room but not for the first night, because I think that is money he could otherwise spend on me foolish. His flight gets in at 11 pm, and that's if it is on time. I'm not going to make him pay for a room when technically it is the next day already. We discussed changing the flight but that doesn't make much sense either, given that it is already only 2 full days here.

Don't worry, have I mentioned I have 2 big shepherd dogs (Chad is 95 lbs and 6'1 on his hind legs)? And also Duncan is one hell of a ninja cat? Seriously. I'm really not worried. I know how to hold the cat out with his claws showing self defense. And I'm going with my gut instinct here. And I'll be in regular communication with my close friends so they can keep tabs on me. Promise.

Our loosely weather-permitting itinerary is:

Statute of Liberty (his request)
The Sands Casino (my idea since he likes Vegas)
Dinner at Il Capriccio (live piano music)
Holstein's Ice Cream Parlor (some of you may recall this place; warning, the link contains mega food porn; one of the only places left that knows how to make a MALTED shake and the famous Jersey/New York egg creams)

And we'll leave the rest up in the air. Maybe a trip into the city. Maybe a drive to the Delaware River.

I am trying for my own mini Bachelorette show here.

Who wants to be the overprotective friend with all the questions to grill?

Who wants to be the host, Chris, who has to remind me how I really feel at the end of it all?

Please....if my life EVER starts to resemble that manipulated suspended time TV show, you have my permission to kick me.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Weekend Affair

The weekend rocked. Green Day kicked my ass, and I can say how great it is to see a dedicated fan connection from the rock stars. Springsteen is in a league of his own, but Billie Joe from Green Day was really incredibly infectious in his delivery of energy.

I enjoyed getting to spend time with my nephew too. It is amazing that one day you're incredibly jealous that your sister is having a baby, and then you're rocking out with said 24-year old baby at a rock concert.

Of course fun in my life usually involves live music, tequila, and carbohydrates in their worst form. Nothing says fun like 5 lbs gained in 2 days. I rock the sloth lifestyle. There are photos to prove this, in the hands of the paparazzi. I am offering bribes for their non-disclosure.

And can I just say that flirting with a musician, albeit a married one, is 10,000 times stronger than flirting with a non-musician? So thanks to my dear high school friend for lending her husband to me. Don't worry, I'm working on getting my own husband musician!

Thanks to everyone tagging along on the dating escapades. Guitar guy....arrives in 17 days. We've been exchanging long emails and phone conversations. My main concern at this time is if he's a confident fellow and goes after what he wants in life. I think he does; after all he booked a plane ticket out here to meet me, but some things he's said about his job makes me wonder if he's not settling. Like I should talk, I'm only in it for the money myself. Speaking of money though, he does seem to understand how it all works. Particularly the stock market. Darling, you had me at "sell."

Something that I have to decide soon, is if he is staying with me or getting a hotel room. There are pros and cons to both. He said he would leave the decision to me, and wouldn't wish to do anything that would make me uncomfortable. I don't like being a hostess. But part of me thinks, he might as well get a load of what it is like living with two dogs and a cat. Do I want to scare him off? We all know the load he's going to get will be a load of pet hair.

But after suffering through Mr Listener's discomfort levels with the pet hair, I'm more inclined to just throw the next guy right into the fire. I also think if he stays at a hotel, I'll be more likely not to see him as much as I should. He's only here for 2 and 1/2 days...due to the distance factor, I feel like we have to really make the most of the time, and see if we are truly interested in a relationship or if this is only going to be friendship.

Speaking of which, I can't get Edward Cullen out of my head. Read Midnight Sun, and I really love how he just wanted nothing more than to kill Bella at first. I really really love that. I could relate. Oh, poor tortured soul. Poor masochistic lion. I have Breaking Dawn, but I'm torturing myself I guess by delaying to read it.

Has anyone ever burned their throat to be with you? OK so I guess I have a thing for damaged men. I wonder if Guitar guy from Chicago is too whole for my sensibilities. I wonder if my sensibilities can change, for my own good. I mean, come on, do I really want to be alone forever?

Friday, July 24, 2009

Edward and Mortals

I splashed water on my face, let out a sigh, and looked up into the mirror. Startled at what I saw there, I froze save for my eyelids. Blink, blink blink. Look at those dark circles under my eyes.

"You look worse than I've ever looked... like you haven't hunted in months..."

Hmm. Edward's voice so soft, like a gentle breeze grazing against my earlobe.

This is what happens when you read vampire books one after the other. You cease to exist in other ways. You take on the resemblance of the subject matter. You start to imagine him in your head.

"Perhaps your friends would like to hear the latest developments in your life...?"

Hmm. Perhaps they would Edward, perhaps they would. But, it's just a guy. OK, two guys. But it isn't as if they're like you or anything. And I've got to finish reading Midnight Sun, it is calling to me, you are calling to me. Finally I can read about you without that annoying twit's insecurity weighing everything down.

Edward chuckled, the tip of his tongue touched the roof of his mouth, which made the chuckle have a bit of a kick to it, like a tsk tsk sound.

"I'm not going anywhere...I like brunettes, remember?"

Should I start at the beginning or just give them the lowdown?

"Every story has a beginning..." Edward said before he pushed his weight off the door frame and slipped into the darkness, at least for a moment.

Right. The beginning. Of the latest segment anyway.


After coaching two blogger friends to join (because I'm a pushy bitch I guess?), I thought what the hell; I also joined eHarm(ony) or as I prefer to call it e-Harmless. Because honestly, that's how it feels at the bargain basement price of $30/3 months. I said I would never pay for a dating site again, after the 6-month ChemistryNOT debacle. I was pretty content over at my free site, OKCupid, but I was curious like a cat.

A-n-y-w-a-y....I rationalized that it was a harmless move because with the personality profile so extensive (honestly it was like in-depth psychoanalysis) and the guided communication format taking approximately weeks for guys to complete, I'd be lucky to find anyone compatible or with enough patience to get through it all. And if they did, then perhaps they were worthy of the prize of meeting me. I was pretty much laughing in the face of dating, much as Bella might laugh in the face of danger: with a whimper and a half-bravehearted smile, knowing she'd probably epically fail.

And something odd happened. What do you know. Very real men with very real responses. And very real open communication. And very real but honest rejections. And then some with very real interest. With real strong, noticeable compatibility.

Testing, testing...
I iz on Candid Camera?
Iz mic on?

And so this brings us to Guitar Chicago and Doc Hawaii.

Long distance yes. I'm a pro, remember? Don't try this at home kiddies.

Guitar Chicago is a fellow Sagittarian with the same birth day as my mother, and gets all the Vince Vaughn jokes from The Breakup. Sent me a photo out his office window of the water tour boats. Sends me guitar riffs he records (just for fun, he doesn't gig out) and understands the beauty of a lyric. Says music makes his world go around. Swoon. How's that for passion? He's also a financial analyst by day, sold his condo before it became impossible, lived in the SAME Jersey town I live in for 2 months, and thinks it'd be great to open up a dog-walking business together. Excuse me?

Today he surprised me with an invitation to Vegas. Yes. Vegas. As in "Would you like to go to Vegas with me for the weekend?" Imagine? I said no before I realized he was treating. But of course, I should have said no anyway, right? Right, because that's not a first date. Well....not in my world at least. After much discussion, which flows like we've known each other for years, including jokes and banter like we're already a couple (SO odd), we agreed we should meet in a more low-key fashion and then go to Vegas later. So, instead, he's coming to Jersey, purchased his plane ticket and sent me the itinerary tonight. I am stunned. August 13. Just.to.meet.me.

Yes, I'm excited. About time something happened to this Sagittarian; my flesh is starting to rot.

Doc Hawaii. Doesn't have a photo up yet because he can't figure out how to download the photos off his camera to his computer. Anesthesiologist who just bought an actress' former house on the coast in Hilo. (I think I just heard my sister shout out loud from three states away.) The fact that he feels the need to tell me it is an actress' former house gives me some insight to his vanity though. Grew up in New York and has been all over the world. Sometimes he works 17 days straight, but he's made quite an effort to communicate with me so far. Including after a 32-hour shift. Wonder why he divorced his nurse/wife. Grey's Anatomy anyone?

I know what you're thinking. I'm thinking it too. If it seems too good to be true, it usually is. Still, it is fun to talk to this guy. He has a nice voice and a great sense of humor. Yes, I've googled last name, phone, etc. Yes, he's real. No scammer here. We'll see what happens. I don't think I'm doctor wife companion material, and what would this blizzard baby do in Hawaii? Sure, the back of my mind says "Go skiing in Lake Tahoe anytime you want..." but still....tropical humidity and me don't get along. And the dogs would have to take one very slow boat to the island because I'm not putting them on a plane. Ever.


OK, Edward, that fantasy is taken care of now. Can I return to reading your thoughts?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


I'm sorry....I'm being held hostage.
I'll be back in about 350 pages. It shouldn't take long...

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The New Layout

Just a few words about the layout redesign. I'm pretty annoyed that there aren't many template choices that allow for a stretching of the entry space. So this one will have to do. And I think it does nicely enough.

The image above in the new header is so important to me that I almost didn't post it. As if using it in the blog would somehow trivialize it. But then again, I wanted the frequent reminder. It will be the last tattoo I get. And I will not get it until I've lost the weight, which will be the equivalent of essentially rising from the ashes like the phoenix. I've had this image for a few years. I know exactly where it'll be on my body, and I know it will be the last tattoo I ever get because it will signify the single most important act yet to accomplish. And 3 tats are enough. So I might be 50 when I get it, but I will get it!

I didn't go to the gym. I wrapped myself up in Eclipse, and I cooked all day for the week ahead. I cooked chicken, summer squash and onions, and the great new rice blend I had last week. Unfortunately, as a result of all the cooking, I didn't eat too much. I know, it doesn't make sense.

I Ated It
Lots of iced tea
scrambled eggs
1 slice of sprouted bread (this stuff rocks)
summer squash and onions

NOTE: I don't suggest anyone follow my example of eating. Horrible, not nearly enough protein. But I'm not hungry. And I'm not going to force myself to eat.

On a final note, I learned today about the lawsuit against Kimkins. And I laughed. Hard. I still thank that concept that scammer started though...it got me on the track to losing something at the beginning. Of course, it just couldn't be sustained. But I never felt any side effects from the diet, like some have claimed (hair loss, fainting, liver problems). Of course, I realize there are important carbs as well as really bad, useless carbs. I'm not sure I ever would have learned that if I hadn't experienced the Kimkins way first. Sometimes you have to learn the wrong things in order to find the right things.

10 Workouts Down

So I've accomplished 10 workouts of the 138 before my birthday.

That leaves me with 128 workouts and 145 days left to do them. Definitely doable.

I thought at one point during the last workout when I took a big breath of air, that I could actually see my collarbone. But it could have been an illusion. I'm pretty good with those.

I tallied the last 10 workout numbers:
7,951 calories
25.04 miles
8 hours, 45 minutes

There is no movement on the scale, but I'm disciplining myself not to care. I'm only getting that number off the scale to punch it into the treadmill.

I have also begun to fantasize about owning a BowFlex Treadclimber. If you have one, have ever used one, or know someone who has, please share! I cannot do the elliptical machine, but I am thinking this just might work for me. Of course, this is such a dream because the price is ridiculous.


#10 / 138
Saturday, July 18
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 77
Average heart rate: 136
Max heart rate: 154
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 18@2.8 mph
Calories: 866 Distance: 2.73 Time: 65:00

NOTE: Eh. Lacklust effort and attitude. To be there at 10 pm on a Saturday night when I would rather have had my face in a pizza or against another pair of lips was more than somewhat upsetting.

I Ated It
mini luna bar
1 gallon water
1 mini kamut flaxseed blueberry muffin

12 ounces of unsweetened iced tea
chicken breast, peppers, onions, organic
long grain brown rice, sweet brown rice, Wehani, Black Japonica and select wild rice
sodium-free trail mix

NOTE: I didn't eat much and I didn't eat enough. Just don't want anything that's in my house. Everything I want is highly refined, processed carbs. There is no "hunger," no rumbly of the tumbly as pooh would say; there's just this gaping emptiness. When Bella Swan describes having to hold her sides together to keep from coming apart over the loss of Edward in the 2nd book, I know very well that feeling. I am quite sure if I allow it to happen, this emptiness inside me would swallow me up.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Slots & Benadryl Dreams

As Bruce sings:
"Everything dies baby, that's a fact,
but maybe everything that dies
some day comes back,
so put your makeup on
and fix your hair up pretty,
and meet me tonight in......."

Oh well, Bethlehem doesn't rhyme with pretty. I was going to go to Atlantic City, but then I learned that Bethlehem was closer to me.

But, I did my part to stimulate the economy yesterday.

I put a full tank of gas in the RAV, and I drove about an hour to Bethlehem, PA.

I spent several hours and about $50 inside the brand new, small but expanding, Sands Casino. Bethlehem Steelworks was one to the largest steel mills in the country and built some of the most incredible buildings in NYC. So, it was strangely interesting to see something coming back to life in the midst of other yet-to-be renovated mills.

I even won a little moola, enough to buy the last two Twilights in hardcover and then some.

What was really cool: $30 in free play

Funniest part: I was the youngest person there (duh, daytime) and I got hit on by some 70+ year olds when I hit my $150 jackpot. Bet they thought I could buy them some prune cocktails.

Lunch: GREAT pub called St James Gate, with international rugby on the tellies, oooh baby, I could've stayed there all afternoon. Luckily no one was speaking in an accent, or I would still be there.

Drawback: Only about 10 Wheel of Fortune slots so it was crowded around them. They are my game of choice.

I had an arugula, pear tomatoes, golden beets, goat cheese salad in a citrus vinaigrette, and it was delicious. But...there must have been basil or oregano in the dressing, because I had a very severe allergic reaction that oddly enough didn't go full blown until I was safely home. It felt like I had eaten glass and my mouth was torn to shreds inside. I considered going to the ER, but knew it would be a useless trip and likely drain all of my winning funds.

I'm annoyed with myself for letting my guard down and not asking before I ordered the damn food. I get so tired of asking. I haven't had a reaction in so long, maybe I was secretly hoping I had overcome the allergy. This was a nice kick in the ass, as I spent the rest of the night in a zoned benadryl state. My mouth is sore this morning, but I am able to drink.

And I dreamt about rugby guys. Thanks benadryl.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Inappropriate Friday

Warning: Below is something
100% inappropriate for most people.

I'd like to remind people at this time that this blog is my space (well, Blogger is nice enough to let me use it), and you don't have to read me. If I lose followers or subscribers because of this, I won't shed a single tear.

So, without further adieu, if you are still interested and curious, you may want to get yourself a glass of water for later. But set it aside at the moment, because you may not want to have anything near your mouth as you scroll down.

Some of you may want to get a cigarette or a piece of chocolate. I'm not kidding.

Go ahead, the page will be here when you get back...

(scroll just a little more....)

(just a little more....)

Happy Friday Ladies...


#9 / 138
Thursday, July 8
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 72
Average heart rate: 140
Max heart rate: 156
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 18@3.0 mph
Calories: 314 Distance: 1.01 Time: 25:00

NOTE: Between the sudden humidity and the cologne of a guy in the gym, I could barely breathe, even with the AC. Of course, I just HAD to gloat about the weather....LOL.

Leg Press
70 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Row/Rear deltoids machine
40 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

50 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Ab Press
40 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 85
Average heart rate: 139
Max heart rate: 154
Workout mode: CARDIO mode HR 150@2.8 mph
Calories: 280 Distance: 1.01 Time: 25:00

NOTE: The bloody cardio mode did not seem to work. It was supposed to maintain my HR at 150 bpm. So much for that.

TOTAL Calories: 594 Distance: 2.02 Time: 50:00

I Ated It
whey protein shake
mini luna bar
1 gallon water
2 dove chocolates
1 mini kamut flaxseed blueberry muffin

12 ounces of unsweetened iced tea
chicken breast, peppers, onions, organic
long grain brown rice, sweet brown rice, Wehani, Black Japonica and select wild rice
chicken breast, baby spinach, walden fat free calorie free ranch dressing, bean sprouts, sodium-free trail mix

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Other Sloth

I don't really have to think hard to find something to write about. I told you, just wait, something will happen that will be too good to make up fictitiously.

Today at work one of the writers (mid-50s, female) walks into my work space, makes a point of interrupting my deep concentration, and asks me if I am going to the department picnic. I say no, because I have already taken that day off from work (really and truly as part of the mandatory PTO time off), long before they sprung the lovely, uncomfortable-zone-forced socialization picnic upon the department.

Her expression deflates like a balloon, and I think to myself, 'Wow, is she in love with me or what? Is she wanting to pick my brain for alternative adjectives, conjugate sentence structures, or wax poetically about effective sterilization of reagent components? If she's hitting on me, I'm going to be ill.'

Then, out of her mouth comes the confession, "I was hoping to find someone else who wouldn't be doing any of the physical activities. With my injured foot, I'm not going to be jumping around much."


Excuse me?

S-o-m-e-o-n-e else who wouldn't be d-o-i-n-g any of the p-h-y-s-i-c-a-l activities....


I opened my mouth to reply harshly, but then just let it go. I'd like to note for the record, that she did not go and ask any of the others in the vicinity, just me.

The Other Sloth/Gimp Girl/Luser - NOT!


#8 / 138
Wednesday, July 15
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 72
Average heart rate: 140
Max heart rate: 163
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 18@3.0 mph
Calories: 901 Distance: 2.83 Time: 35:00

NOTE: I watched a bit of Jason Stratham in Transporter. I or II I have no idea, but it definitely increased my heart rate. So, just for kicks, I searched for him online and found the man offers his own workout routine. My God man. But his eating plan definitely sounded familiar to me: "No refined sugar or flour at all, ever. Bread and pasta are out, as are sweets of any kind. No fruit juices. No booze. "That's the hardest part right there," he says. His dessert every night is plain yogurt with fresh fruit."

I Ated It
whey protein shake
mini luna bar
1 gallon water
1 mini kamut flaxseed blueberry muffin

chicken breast, peppers, onions, Kashi 7-grain pilaf
sodium-free trail mix
24 ounces of fresh brewed unsweetened iced tea

NOTE: Contrary to Jason Stratham's advice and my own cautions about being a carb addict, I am trying to bring tiny bits of good grains back into my life. Not sure it is possible. 1/4th cup of anything hardly seems worth the calories, yet that it the correct one-serving portion for any starch.

7 / 138

There's no humidity...this is the best July weather I can ever remember. I have no delusions about August, but I will take this high 70s/low 80s weather any day!

#7 / 138
Tuesday, July 13
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 77
Average heart rate: 139
Max heart rate: 165
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 18@2.8 mph
Calories: 440 Distance: 1.39 Time: 35:00

Leg Press
70 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Row/Rear deltoids machine
40 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

40 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Ab Press
40 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 112
Average heart rate: 144
Max heart rate: 162
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 19@2.8 mph
Calories: 463 Distance: 1.42 Time: 35:00

TOTAL Calories: 903 Distance: 2.81 Time: 65:00

I Ated It
whey protein shake
12 ounces of unsweetened iced tea
mini luna bar
chicken breast, peppers, onions, organic
long grain brown rice, sweet brown rice, Wehani, Black Japonica and select wild rice
1 gallon water
1 mini kamut flaxseed blueberry muffin
chicken breast, baby spinach, walden fat free calorie free ranch dressing, bean sprouts, sodium-free trail mix


Monday, July 13, 2009

Summer Blech

Today was quite a switch for me, I could barely stand to eat and the humidity level isn't even high.


#6 / 138
Monday, July 13
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 85
Average heart rate: 144
Max heart rate: 161
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 19@3.0 mph
Calories: 935 Distance: 2.86 Time: 65:00

NOTE: Knee brace doesn't fit; bottom part of thigh too fat. Great. Debating whether to cut it at the top or try to find an even larger one. Trouble is, it can't be larger on the knee area otherwise it won't be supportive. I love reminders that I do not fit into average society.

I also mowed the lawn.

I Ated It
green pepper, onion, turkey bacon omelette
whey protein shake
mini luna bar
1 gallon water
1 mini kamut flaxseed blueberry muffin

I should have eaten more protein today but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.


Got to....

I know I don't need to post this, but I'm really tired of my blog layout, so I'm going to be searching for a re-do, so for those of you who visit the actual blog, if some stuff starts looking funky and inconsistent, bear with me. I want to find one that allows me to have the blog entry run longer across the screen. I think I'm just hyper-focused on this extremely unimportant detail, so I don't have to write about anything. Such as how lousy I feel with the worst T.o.M. I've had in recent months sitting on top of me like an elephant. Just a few days and I'll be feeling better, I hope.

The Rambler....never called to confirm plans and then emailed the evening we were supposed to meet to say a client needed him. I couldn't hold back, I told him I'd expected to have heard from him before then and I'd already made other plans, to which he replied that he didn't know there was a deadline. Um 4pm on a Friday....yeah that's not when you tell someone what you're doing that evening. Not in my world at least. Sigh. He asked me not to contact him again, as if I would.

Sometime this week I am supposed to meet a skiing, multi-lingual baby boomer builder who has never been married and doesn't want kids, but he revealed that he's going to Chile for the month of August, so I really don't know what the point is to meet. I know, I should "just because, you never know," but he's thinking about going there to teach English next year, and he's trapped in a mortgage here he can't afford. Sounds exciting, but also maybe a little unstable. I am enough unstable for two. Haha.

Got to love myself. Got to get myself to the gym. Got to not eat for the wrong reasons. Got to keep my eye on the prize. Got to, got to, got to. I hate summer.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

America's Got...

Talent. What a heart-felt performance from this guy. I love it...hope he gets his chance to record music even if he doesn't win this show.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Am I a COE?

Yesterday was bad. I was just consumed with sorrow and loneliness, and then I tried to make myself feel better with food. I guess the only good thing is that I just can't eat a large quantity of food anymore, so after the shrimp appetizer and burger and fries, I wanted nothing more. That's a normal meal out, there wasn't even alcohol involved for crap's sake. But it is the fact that I purposely used food to try to make myself feel better that sticks in my head as a very wrong thing for me to do.

Two years since Sena died. Two years since I started this blog. Two years since I've gone "low carb." Two years since I decided I just wasn't going to be a fat woman the rest of my life.

June 16, 2007
bicep - 17 inches
neck - 15 1/2 inches
bust - 52 inches
waist - 51 inches
hips - 60 inches
thigh - 30 inches

July 10, 2009
bicep - 16 inches
neck - 15 inches
bust - 42 inches
waist - 46 inches
hips - 53 inches
thigh - 29 inches

24.5 inches lost overall in 2 years. Ho hum.

That's a nice amount of inches lost. It just isn't enough. It probably won't ever be enough.

Two years gone.
Two years older.
Two years of missed dates.
Two years of missed roller coasters.
Two years harder to lose weight due to age and body changes.
Two years of trying and failing mostly, with a little success here and there.


Here's a set of questions from Overeater's Anonymous about being a Compulsive Overeater (COE):

1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry? yes
2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason? no, I have a reason!
3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating? no
4. Do you give too much time and thought to food? maybe
5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone? no being alone is part of the problem.
6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time? no
7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone? no
8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life? yes
9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal? yes
10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating? yes
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish? yes
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime? no
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble? yes
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition? no
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy? yes

OA says if you answer yes to three or more of these questions, it is probable that you have or are well on your way to having a compulsive eating problem.

Ho hum.
7 yes.
7 no.
1 maybe.


Guess that makes me a compulsive eater. Hmm. Maybe I should go to Overeater's Anonymous. I admitted long ago I was a carb addict. Maybe that isn't the whole of it. Maybe there's more. Maybe that is why every effort I make doesn't work. Maybe that is why all my hard exercise isn't helping. Maybe that is why the self-hypnosis and attempts to eat clean isn't helping.

But these 12 OA steps....um, they make me uncomfortable. They just don't seem to fit my way of thinking. What is it Dr Phil says? Maybe "my thinkin' is stinkin'?"

1. We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I don't know what the fuck to do.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

What ARE You Planning?

Web Site Story: Delightfully well done, and amusing as hell, and stolen from Forever a Jersey Girl.


#5 / 138
Wednesday, July 8

Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 79
Average heart rate: 149
Max heart rate: 165
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 18@2.8 mph
Calories: 435 Distance: 1.38 Time: 35:00

NOTE: 24-minute mile. Cool. I found myself thinking about everyone who has battled cancer and survived, like Lance Armstrong. I imagined my fat as a cancer that was going to eat away at the rest of my life if I didn't do something about it. You know those Quit Smoking ad campaigns where they ask "If you weren't planning to quit, what are you planning?" Well, that applies here too. "If you're not planning to lose weight, what are you planning to do?" Seriously.

Leg Press
70 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Row/Rear deltoids machine
40 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

40 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Ab Press
30 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 100
Average heart rate: 147
Max heart rate: 164
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 18@3.0 mph
Calories: 450 Distance: 1.47 Time: 35:00

NOTE: 23-minute mile on the 2nd 30 minutes. Knee did not hurt at all. Still getting support brace today.

TOTAL Calories: 885 Distance: 2.85 Time: 65:00

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I No Longer Love

I no longer love my BFF gym. And I don't quite know why. Maybe it is burnout. Maybe I am finally bored. Wish I could do the other cardio machines. Maybe I'll feel better when I get my knee sorted out.

So, yes, it is still bothering me. I've decided I'm going to buy a brace for my left knee. Of course, what kind of support brace, I have no idea. Will have to do some research. The best I can describe the sensation is that it feels like "the hinge" of the joint is stuck and needs to crack. Yet, when it does crack, it doesn't feel better. If I had to give a location, I would say it is under or behind the knee cap. I'll have to diagnose myself later.

Today is my Friday. Tomorrow is a day of remembrance for me and Friday is a forced PTO day. The moon is full, and I'm feeling like I need to put some emotional boundaries up so I don't absorb all the sorrow around me like a sponge. I don't want to spend the next 4 days in bed (or in hammock) completely.

Oh and just to state the obvious, no megamil winner here.


#4 / 138
Tuesday, July 7

Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 82
Average heart rate: 142
Max heart rate: 163
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 18@2.8 mph
Calories: 867 Distance: 2.72 Time: 65:00

Not Much to Say

Not much to write down these days. This is a tough time of the year for me. Not just the heat of the summer, but the memories of loved ones passed. I find it so hard to let the sadness go. I find that I can't even begin to think about the good times without crying. OK, it doesn't help that T.o.M. is around the corner, but I'm way too sensitive to begin with about this.

Saturday's date was one hour in length and consisted of 20 minutes of hearing about his hobby of roller derby (yes, it still exists), and 20 minutes of work-related commiseration of being in the healthcare industry, 10 minutes of trading stats of where we grew up, went to school, etc. and 10 minutes of talking about how great a little town like Morristown is. At the end of the date, which ended because he had to get to friends in Montclair, he give me a friendly hug, said nice to meet you, thanks for coming out, and that was that. Safe to say there was no spark whatsoever for either of us. That's OK because he looked like a cross between Jimmy Kimmel and a geek out of Revenge of the Nerds and I really wasn't expecting anything. Hey buddy, Hollywood wants you back in wardrobe.

What I did feel and continue to feel is extremely hormonal. Which is partly why I want to eat everything and partly why I want to cry all the time and partly why I'd probably jump the bones of any guy willing.

OK so hopefully you didn't snort your coffee.

I have a date on Friday night with a lawyer. I can see my sister jumping for joy right now. Eh, you know me, those types are usually too conservative for me. We spoke on the phone and I can tell you he is a rambler....good thing he isn't a courtroom attorney. Yeah, so we'll see what The Rambler and I can manage to come up with on a Friday night. He's a dog lover, but is quasi allergic to cats....I suspect that's the dealbreaker right there, because I just don't groom Duncan enough for him to be non-allergenic I'm afraid. He insists it is only when he is in the cat's presence and not just from stray hair on my clothes, so we'll see. And no, in case you've run the paragraphs together, I don't think this is the type of guy whose bones I'll be jumping due to a flash of hormonal overdrive. Like I said, conservative. And suddenly I think of the conservative yet hooker-purchasing Richard Gere in Pretty Woman, and suddenly I think "well....maybe...." but I doubt it.

Oh, by the way, those crazy imported pine "tree benches" constructed over in the slumlord's backyard? Haven't been used once. I love it. I wonder if I could go hang my wash on them; the method would surely work better than the 1972 dryer I have.

If you're not laughing and smiling, let's wait a few moments. Something is bound to happen to me that will be hilarious.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

A Beautiful Lady

Last September I waxed poetically about Lady Liberty.

I can't help it, I have to say again, isn't she beautiful?

Today her crown reopens. I think something like 20 lucky people get to climb the 350+ stairs! I would so be ready for that workout.

I have a quick meet date at 4pm today with a tech writer in the medical field. Hope we don't spend too much time talking about work though. Cafe Zebu...I don't drink coffee, but I bet that is their speciality, along with pastries. Hmm.

We can kiss Velvet Voice goodbye. He gave a lame text message after my 3 attempts to reach him all week. Guess he didn't enjoy our 2nd date as much, but what I don't appreciate is the sudden brush-off when the communication prior was flowing like a river. Just say you're not interested, don't ignore me. Nothing gets under my skin worse than that.

The weather is sunny - omg yes! - and breezy. No need to worry about AC or sweating. This is really awesome for a non-summer soul like me.

Happy holiday everyone. The dogs and I won't be enjoying the fireworks, but I do appreciate the celebration of this great country.

Friday, July 3, 2009

My July 3rd

The morning workout: Not a fan but I did it
The tire replacements: Painful but important
Nap in hammock: Bliss
The Whole Foods experience: fun yet odd - why do they have things nowhere else has?
The Red Sox game: Typical heart-in-throat extra innings
Next town's fireworks: Could barely hear them (yay!)
Getting through at least one book: New Moon
Weather: 6 hours of sun and then needed a sweater - I love it!


#3 / 138
Friday, July 2

Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 78
Average heart rate: left HR monitor at home
Max heart rate: left HR monitor at home
Workout mode: RANDOM mode, level 10 @ 2.8 mph
Calories: 300 Distance: 1.41 Time: 35:00

NOTE: Worried about left knee, tried to take it slow, which didn't seem to matter. Slow or fast, if the knee doesn't feel right, it doesn't seem to improve depending on speed or incline.

Leg Press
50 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Row/Rear deltoids
40 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Pulldown biceps
40 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Ab Press
40 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

NOTE: Knee felt better after weights.

Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 82
Average heart rate: left HR monitor at home
Max heart rate: left HR monitor at home
Workout mode: RANDOM mode, level 18 @ 2.6 mph
Calories: 430 Distance: 1.35 Time: 35:00

NOTE: Faster and steeper burns more in less time and distance.

Total Calories: 730 Total Distance: 2.76 Total Time: 70:00

Thursday, July 2, 2009

138 Workout Challenge

I made a new challenge for myself. Yup, here I go again. But it isn't focused on the number on the scale. Wow, she learns something, you're all so proud of me, I know.

138 Workout Challenge

Mission: To accomplish 138 workouts in 23 weeks before my Forever 39 Day.

That is approximately 6 days/week. Feel free to play along or just watch me.

I'm working on a ticker or something, but I just can't find good blog stuff. I may have to change this template, it is so limiting. Somehow I have to track these....I've done 2 already...136, yay!

Today's inspiration from Operation Beautiful:

See yourself as a soul with a body,
rather than a body with a soul!”


#2 / 138
Wednesday, July 1

Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 85
Average heart rate: 144
Max heart rate: 164
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 18 @ 2.8 mph
Calories: 860 Distance: 2.68 Time: 65:00

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


Gotta kiss a lot frogs to find a prince...?

Mostly cloudy with showers and thunderstorms likely.
Some thunderstorms may produce gusty winds...
hail and heavy rainfall this afternoon. Forget the car.
Build the ark.

Cloudy. Showers and thunderstorms likely...mainly in the evening.
Some thunderstorms may produce gusty winds...hail and heavy
rainfall in the evening. If you haven't bought the lumber at Home
Depot yet, you're out of luck.

chancerain Thursday
More rain, get it? I can't believe you even bothered to look.

Thursday Night
A chance of showers and thunderstorms in the evening.
Have you started to gather the animals yet?

The sun might come out to tease you but it is still going to rain.
A chance of thunderstorms in the afternoon.

Friday Night
The animals should be gathered by now. Oh and if you didn't
already have moss growing on you from the last two weeks,
you will by now.

Independence Day
Maybe, just maybe, it won't rain. But I wouldn't bet on it.

Yesterday it rained so hard on my drive home that I was fully prepared for frogs to fall from the sky.

And then, inevitably, the Amiee Mann song, Save Me, was in my head the rest of the evening:

"You look like a perfect fit
For a girl in need of a tourniquet

But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

'Cause I can tell
You know what it's like
The long farewell of the hunger strike

But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

You struck me dumb like radium
Like Peter Pan or Superman

You will come to save me
C'mon and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
'Cept the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
But the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

C'mon and save me
Why don't you save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone"

-Aimee Mann, Save Me

There is no one coming to save us from ourselves but ourselves. Let's get to it.

Calm Waters

I put these Operation Beautiful post-its up at work. I felt awesome doing it anonymously.

Anyone want to know how the Stress Cleanse is going? Glad you asked!

I feel pretty damn good. Very emotionally even. Nothing has stressed me at work this week AND my boss is out AND my staff is out. No unusual bathroom behavior. They say not to exercise too much, but I don't feel weak or think what I'm doing is extremely hard.

The landlords have missed their chance to increase the rent, for the 4th time. Of course, they can still ask me to move, but they have to give me 60 days' notice. As usual, I know it isn't over yet, but I am breathing easier. I know they don't want to give up the easy money.


Tuesday, June 30

Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 78
Average heart rate: various
Max heart rate: 167
Workout mode: MANUAL mode
10 minutes - Incline 9.5 @ 2.2 mph - av HR 123
10 minutes - Incline 11 @ 2.2 mph - av HR 130
10 minutes - Incline 11 @ 2.4 mph - av HR 135
Calories: 410 Distance: 1.22 Time: 35:00

Leg Press
50 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Row/Rear deltoids machine
30 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Ab Press
30 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

NOTE: I manipulated this workout to test how my left knee felt. Seems OK while moving, but afterwards the kneecap felt like it needed to crack/pop. I also wanted to see what my HR would sustain at if the incline didn't change.

you're like butter to me

Just a Lovable Party Girl

Just a Lovable Party Girl
Sagittarius is born to travel the world and move upwards and outwards. Naturally gregarious, they love the idea of meeting different people and understanding foreign cultures. There is also a desire to broaden the mind too, with the possibility of many Sagittarians being lifelong students. Their outlook is generally optimistic and there is a distinct lack of concern over the smaller, practical details. A great sense of humor and a lack of petty mindedness are Sagittarian qualities too. Sagittarius is open -- open-minded, open-hearted and generous, up to a point. They like to get value and will not be quite so impulsive with their cash but they do have a natural ability to get on with people from many varied walks of life. They have an innate sense of wanting to help others and give them a hand up the ladder and can be wonderful and exciting companions. Expect an honest answer when you ask a question and maybe some long philosophic discussions into the night. Jovial, optimistic, versatile, open-minded, philosophical, sincere, frank, visionary.