Today was a horrible day. Today I learned that there is a growth on Sena's spine or pressing against her spine from within the bladder...hard to say exactly. May or may not be malignant. But since she already has transitional cell carcinoma it seems likely, even though her body does produce benign fatty tumors like crazy. Waiting to hear more from tests and radiologist consultation. Whatever it is, it seems to be the cause of what is hurting her leg by pressing on the nerves running off the spine. My poor baby girl is in so much pain, but only when she tries to walk - which is a dumbass thought isn't it? I mean, if you can't walk, you're pretty much fucked. I have a pretty serious opiate drug to sedate her. It sucks either way, to see her in yelping pain or to see her dazed and drugged. I didn't think the turn to this would come so suddenly. Three weeks ago she was herding sheep.
This blog isn't supposed to be about my life outside of losing weight, but Sena's situation makes any talk about my weight seem ridiculous. And besides that, I want to crawl into the largest chocolate cake I can find and just die. Sounds like something only a true addict would say. Well I guess that's what I am. And I guess the only difference between an addict and a recovering one is whether or not they follow through on their cravings. Right now, I haven't indulged. But I feel it coming on, calling to me from the corners of my mind as well as the television, the work cafeteria, and everyone else around me. People say "Don't do it, you'll feel worse afterwards." And I do appreciate them saying that. As true as that is though, if you're an addict you know, you know that at first you'll feel a pseudo envelopment of comfort, warmth, and a sense of peace that feels so real. The overload of carbs and starch will settle into your belly and make you feel like you're going to burst from fullness and you can feel whole in a way you can't feel any other way.
This is the feeling you're supposed to get from life. This is the feeling you're supposed to get from loved ones. This is not the feeling you're supposed to get from food. You cannot use food to mask your emotions. Eating is a necessity, not a pleasure. There is too much "fun" attached to eating. It isn't a hobby or a form of entertainment. Eating should be thought of like breathing; we do it because we have to, not because we want to. How long are we going to make love to food in this decadent life?
Losing Weight; Finding Men
"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."