Losing Weight; Finding Men

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Inaccurate Products for Me

morning weight: 256 lbs

Well, at least I'm not gaining weight.

Warning: I'm just not in the most positive of moods. The small amount of poison ivy that I've picked up off my dog's coat is driving me insane. And for some reason, I want to comfort myself with food. But I haven't. But I want to. And I'm grumpy as hell about it.

Even my workouts last night and Thursday night were hell. Everything that was once easy was suddenly difficult. I don't know why.

And then there is the heart rate monitor watch and clothing. Great arrival time. They look great. But, they don't seem to work for me. But let me review.

The woman's size large is too much of a stretch to wear comfortably. I have always had a bra band rolling up issue and the tighter it is, the worse the rolling up. And that is right where the read-outs are and where the transmitter clips into, so, no-go there.

The man's extra large shirt fits fine. It is a little warm to wear but I was OK with that. I would have been happy to use this, if it worked well.

And this brings us to the watch. Fairly simple model, good instructions. In about 10 minutes I had it all set to my specifications. However, it didn't always read my heart rate, even in my own house, with the watch on my wrist, while I'm doing the most basic things. I read that it might take some REAL exercise to get it going. Fair enough.

Thursday night was weight resistance night. So ten minute quick blood pumping walk on the treadmill, then over to the machines. Well, the watch told me that my heart rate was as little as 58 and never really increasing above 110 when I know darn well I was at least around 120.

In addition, the machines there are "Polar Heart Rate Ready." You'd think this would be a good thing. But apparently not. The machine starts to read your watch, then it gets confused when you touch the hand spots for a readout. At one point the machine said 180, then the watch stopped reading me altogether and I had to reset it. What is the helpfulness of that I ask you?

I gave it all another shot. Friday night was just cardio so I put the gear on (have to wear my sports bra over the man's shirt) and told myself I was the new bionic woman and I was doing this all for science. I could not focus, I could not lose myself in the zone, because I had to reset the watch three times. And I was the only person there, so the only interference my watch had was with the treadmill readout. I "think" I reached my heart rate zone for about 15 minutes, but I can't be sure because of the resets. The summary heart rate was only 118 average. Yet I was clearly breathing hard, so I don't know what to make of it.

They say these things are supposed to give you an accurate reading. Well, if that's true, then I guess I am a long way off in reaching my target heart rate unlike what I thought. I thought I was already there for at least 20 minutes.

I am attempting to return the products, and my reasoning include "make sizes for people that actually need to lose weight" as well as "the watch never gave an accurate reading."

My disappointment is huge. I am sore, I feel like I've reached my limit, and it still isn't good enough. What else is new. Just another day in my lonely life.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Heart Rate Monitors

morning weight: 258 lbs

Well I guess the cost of that meal was 2 lbs. Oh well. No sliding today. Stick to grilling in my own yard, no going out anywhere.

In other news, I have made a rather extravagant purchase. All in the name of health. I just hope it fits and works.

Heart Rate Monitor Bra

Read my review here

I did not want to get one of those straps that you have to take on and off your chest. I just knew deep down that I would end up not using it.

I also bought the guy's shirt version because the sizing was better. We'll see what fits and what works and we'll return what doesn't.

It seems the absolute key to making workout effective is the heart rate. If you're exercising and not getting anywhere, look into this angle. It seems you could exercise for an hour and just be wasting your time or exercise at peak heart rate for 20 minutes and be done with it. It may be what I need to focus on to push me to the next level, because I am already down to the bare minimums in food intake.

And apparently, the accuracy of the heart rate readings on the machines themselves is really not that great. They're generalized, and I'm sorry but if I'm investing all my energy and effort into losing weight, then I want some accurate projection of how well I'm doing. After all, this is the rest of my life we're talking about.

So I'm looking forward to comparing the rates and seeing what's what.

Just think, people, it is all I have to look forward to! No drinking, no eating carbs, no sex! Movies, bad reality shows, and exercise are all I have left!

Sunday, May 25, 2008

$38 and how many pounds?

I don't even want to know what the scale says today. I need a break from the scale. In fact, I'm thinking of tossing it. :(

I haven't been out to dinner in several months. I am sure the last time was when I had a guest stay over. Anyway, I took myself to Longhorn's. I didn't restrict myself. I had a frozen margarita. What do you think, 1000 cals? Probably. Then I had breaded shrimp. 2000. Then I had a salad with ranch dressing. Then a filet with bacon and a baked potato with butter. 4000. Oh hell, let's just round it up to 5000 and call it a day.

Did I eat anything else yesterday? No. But that is one "average" meal when in a restaurant. Granted most people share appetizers but that's about it. I can tell you I was unable to finish my food, but I used to be able to do that, plus another drink, plus dessert. In fact, that is what I saw most people around me doing. I was actually full after the salad and I could've stopped there, asked for the steak to wrap. But I was going to a movie afterwards and didn't want it sitting in the car. And I experienced that "You're paying $18 for that steak, you better eat it" warning in my head. After all, I could have bought one in the store for $10 and grilled it myself.

Anyway. Just another day of rambling in my lonely life. But I watched HBO's "Alive Day Memories," and I can tell you I have absolutely nothing in my life to complain about. Thousands of injured soldiers in this war are coming back and learning how to walk without legs and live with hands. Yeah, so my life IS great and I appreciate every day I have.

I purchased some 18/20 shirts. Hard to feel comfortable in something fitting so closely. I will get used to it. I am packing up my size 30s and 28s and 26s in pants and my 24s in shirts. Still holding onto my 24s in pants as I am barely into my 22s and don't want to jinx it.

Well it is time to go lift some weights. Then mow the lawn with my self-powered mower - woohoo! We want to PUMP you up!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

More Addictions?

morning weight: 256 lbs

"You're gonna have to face it,
You're addicted to love."

Except, Robert Palmer was singing about sex, not love.

14 days earlier, I weighed 256. One step up, two steps down, anyone?

Yes, I'm exercising my ass off. Yes, for the most part I enjoy it. But am I really getting anywhere?

Anyway, on to other thoughts. When I started this last June, I read many people's experiences that basically indicated "As you go through a 100+ or more weight loss process, be prepared for other things in your life to come sharply into focus."

Well, I can see how I have been trying to fill the void within me with food, but now I can also see that I have been trying to fill the void within me with other things as well.

After four years, I've finally realized that I've been using Lenny to fill something missing in myself. And when he hasn't wanted to meet those gaps (which were huge even by normal relationship standards), I would comfort myself with, you guessed it, food. My line of thinking has been "Oh he can't spend time with me this weekend? That's OK, I'll eat this and this and this, I'll go to dinner by myself because I don't need a man AND I'll eat an entire blahblahblah." Further insulating myself and reversely enforcing the self-imposed negative thought I've had that "He'd spend time with you if you looked better." The reality is, he's never cared about my weight, outside of a passing interest IF I expressed concern about it. I thought it meant "Oh he just likes me the way I am, isn't that sweet." Kill the butterflies and harps people. The reality is what he wanted was never the complete package. Rather, he cultivated a saucy flavorful means to an end, his pleasurable end. Despite all his "soul mate, better half, can't wait to raise puppies with you" talk to the contrary. His actions never followed through. He is just another bad addiction of mine, something I used to both comfort myself and make myself feel lousy.

Food and sex. And love. What else could I possibly be addicted to? Oh yes, the internet.

Anyway, it's been awhile now that I've been rebuffing his advances, and yesterday when he, yet again, texted me his interest for a romp (mind you, not dinner or a movie or anything involving actually wanting to BE with the other person in a non-sexual way), I had to say to him, "I'm sorry but you're part of what's wrong with me. And if you're a part of what's wrong, you can't be part of the solution. I have to fix myself."

And that my friends, means (in my best Seinfeld Soup Nazi voice):


Excuse me, while I quietly go insane now. :-|

Tuesday, May 20, 2008


morning weight: 257

My first injury of the exercise effort: blisters on my feet.

I worked so hard last night, max 145 heart rate, up and down for an hour from 2.5 to 3.1 incline and 2.8 to 3.0 speed. For an hour.

At the end, my feet had that telltale blister burn sensation. Wah.

But I watched the silly show The Bachelorette. Laughed my head off and decided that Helena can nominate me when I'm thinner and she can come on and be the bitchy, cynical Swedish friend who grills the boys. How about you Lisa, you in on it too?

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Improved Endurance

I have definitely achieved noticeable progress OFF the scale. I can now handle a 3.0 incline at 3.0 speed with a heart rate of 140 on the treadmill without any problem. No cramping muscles, no feeling like I'm going to fall off the machine. When I started, 2.2 speed was really pushing it and 3.0 incline was like a mountain. So I guess this means my endurance has increased. What other benefits it gives I do not know.

I have also felt an increased ease in the weight training. I've reached the end of 30 lbs resistance and I'm ready to go to 35 lbs. I can't say that I've noticed ANY ab strengthening or changing, but they are getting in a "state of the art" ab machine in June and it is supposed to be pretty amazing. So we'll see, maybe it is the machine, not the exerciser. Yeah, right!

However, I must stop being so scale-focused. It is a source of major disappointment. No need to console me; I know it doesn't mean everything, is rather inaccurate, and muscle weighs more than fat. Listen, I don't want to be a musclehead, you know? LOL I want to be thinner.

Anyway, I think it is time to invest in one of those heart-rate watches and see just how off is the reading on the treadmill. Happy shopping to me.


Click this link to watch and hear a lovely video.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Agitated Cravings

morning weight: 258 lbs

Well. Up 2 lbs. Wah. PMS I suspect. Stressful week. I haven't had a bathroom for 3 days. Do you think I can dock the rent to the landlord? Some people seem to think so. Showering at the gym has been...unpleasant. But at least that was an option! Being alone in Jersey sure does suck sometimes. If I had won the megamils last night I would have bought myself some friends in this state! LOL Don't worry girlfriends, even though you live in NY and MA and CT and elsewhere, I know you're there. You're just not conveniently located around the block! And I can hear my friends saying, "Well, you're the one who moved away!" Touche friends, touche. Maybe that'll change again some day. When I can afford a moving company. LOL

So, I've lost $196 million. Ah well. Easy come, easy go.

I have much to look forward to today. Due to yesterday's rain, the Sox have to play a double header so from 4 pm on, I will be all Soxy! And I'll take a break to watch the Preakness, with my heart in my throat hoping the horses make it through the race. And when the 2nd baseball game is over, I'll head to the gym for my new favorite late night activity. Instead of dinners by candlelight and movies at the theater and frolics in bed, I am in love with exercise. Oh how it rocks my world.

Does it sound convincing? Almost? OK, I'll keep working on it.

I really do want a burger and fries. Hmm. I'll have to see if I can rationalize that as my ONE bad meal of the week. Submission to the period's cravings. IF I can keep it to one meal, it wouldn't be the end of the world. THAT'S the question though. Can an addict just have something ONCE? Not likely.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

256 - 96 to Go

morning weight: 256 lbs

Wow. So nice to see that scale cough up some new numbers!

Exercise and water, exercise and water! I am now finding that the treadmill is easier and easier and I am increasing the speed and the incline more and more. Level 3 seemed impossible a few weeks ago and now I can easily maintain that level. That's progress.

When I feel like stuffing my face with something, and it is usually at night when the Red Sox game is on, I will just put the hypnosis tape on early. Even if I don't get to the deep relaxation part, just knowing that I'm consciously making an effort not to chew my hand off seems to help curb the mental "need" to eat. I've also resumed my cup of tea after dinner just to help ease the idea of not having something else to eat.

I do have a very solid realization. If I wasn't alone, I wouldn't have these feelings. If I was with someone else who was aware of what they were eating, this struggle of mine would be so much easier. But, that's OK. Going it alone is OK. Once I've lost the next 96 lbs, I'll find someone who will be a true partner in my life and we'll be each other's cheering section and each other's rock.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I Have to Share My Gym!?

morning weight: 259 lbs

What ever do you mean, the gym doesn't exist just for me? ;-@

Because of a monthly challenge at my gym, the gym has been swamped at 10 pm and later! Ack! OK I understand 2 free months are on the line, but wow people, you've really invaded my space!

It really put me into a discomfort zone last night when I had to wait to use the weight machines. Such a stupid thought to think everyone is looking at me, but there it is anyway. I made eye contact with no one. I am such a wuss. But did I still go thru with it? Hell yes, because I WAS THERE. Once I am there, I am going thru with it, no ifs, ands, or buts.

I warmed up walking 10 minutes at 130 bpm (beats per minute?) heart rate, then I did my three machines. I always look at the names of these machines and then I promptly forget them. Must be some anatomical mind block. So let's see....

The "leg press," in which you are positioned like a rocket about to be blasted into space and you have to use your legs to lift the weight? Supposed to work gluts and hammies. I just keep reminding myself not to lift with my back because that would be the end of me, period.

The "abs," in which you're basically doing crunches but from a sitting position.

The "all over arms" in which the bar is at mid-chest and you're pushing the weight out. My pecs need all the help they can get. When I was growing up, my brother used to call this a bench press, but that's when you're flat on your back and pushing upward. Same thing maybe?

There are many other machines. But the trainer said those 3 were good for me to start on, so I don't even explore the other options right now. Let's just see if I can get a consistent effort down 3 times a week for a month.

I also did 10 minutes walking afterwards, at 130 bpm. It felt good. Strangely refreshing.

Came home, turned on the hypnosis, and slipped off to la-la-land immediately. Wonder if Duncan and Chad have better thoughts about their eating habits or going over bridges this morning. And just in case you're wondering, I'm not waking up with any noticeably unusual thoughts, food-related or otherwise.

Also, not losing poundage, but I'm not freaking on that front. Building muscle, yada yada yada. There's just no way I can further reduce my caloric intake without running into a danger zone. If I stay the course, it'll come off eventually.

So here's the good news. The measurements!

bicep: 15 in (2 inch loss)
neck: 14 in (1 inch loss)
bust: 43 in (9 inch loss) OMG!
waist: 44 in (3 inch loss)
hips 54 in (6 inch loss)
thigh: 26 in (4 inch loss)

Well, 25 inches lost since June 2007!? Please check my math. Holy crap that's correct.

Wow. 10 inches lost since February's measurements. And clearly, it is no wonder I need new bras but not new pants!

That's substantial. I do mourn the loss of "the girls," however, it is what it is. When I can wear a Victoria's Secret ANYTHING I will feel MUCH better! HAHAHAHA!

And to keep it in perspective; my thigh is now the size of an average woman's waist!? Lovely, I can sell my pants as skirts for two.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

New Workout Schedule

Eight Belles. Sweet filly broke both her front ankles just moments after finishing the Derby. Everyone is second guessing like crazy. Should she have run against the boys? Was it too much for her? And the greater questions of whether or not horse racing is cruel, as greyhound racing is viewed. Well, I don't know the answers. I think whatever happened was the way it would have happened anyway. Her ankles would have given out at a different time. Not in front of the entire television audience but nonetheless tragic. I do know that horses are injured and cannot be saved FAR MORE often than the general public ever sees on TV. Imagine 1200 lbs dancing on four tiny feet like a ballerina. The very fact they manage not to injure themselves EVERY time they run is amazing. There is abuse everywhere in this world. There is abuse at your local trail riding facility. There is abuse at the nearby retirement farm. There is abuse at the highest paid barn in the country. Don't single out the thoroughbred community. Look in your own backyard first; maybe that is something you can change with a report to the ASPCA. Do thoroughbred horses like to run? Dumb question. They absolutely do. Is racing them for money unconscionable? Maybe so. Do I love to see horses run? I certainly do.

I wanted to write to say that I feel the hypnosis is helping me. It helped me calm down a "1st day of period + stressful work day" craving for carbs. I was pretty impressed. The only downfall so far is that I find myself without enough time to listen. Going to try looping it through the night so I can get all 4 of my programs in.

I'm going to try something really dedicated. I'm going to the gym 6 days. Treadmill on Mon/Wed/Fri and weights on Tue/Thurs/Sat. This is my attempt to really try to move things along metabolically-speaking.

Stay tuned!

you're like butter to me

Just a Lovable Party Girl

Just a Lovable Party Girl
Sagittarius is born to travel the world and move upwards and outwards. Naturally gregarious, they love the idea of meeting different people and understanding foreign cultures. There is also a desire to broaden the mind too, with the possibility of many Sagittarians being lifelong students. Their outlook is generally optimistic and there is a distinct lack of concern over the smaller, practical details. A great sense of humor and a lack of petty mindedness are Sagittarian qualities too. Sagittarius is open -- open-minded, open-hearted and generous, up to a point. They like to get value and will not be quite so impulsive with their cash but they do have a natural ability to get on with people from many varied walks of life. They have an innate sense of wanting to help others and give them a hand up the ladder and can be wonderful and exciting companions. Expect an honest answer when you ask a question and maybe some long philosophic discussions into the night. Jovial, optimistic, versatile, open-minded, philosophical, sincere, frank, visionary.