Losing Weight; Finding Men

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Operation Beautiful

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!

I'm going to post some today. Please join me!

Read more about Operation Beautiful.


Monday, June 29
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 81
Average heart rate: 141
Max heart rate: 157
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 18 @ 2.6/2.8 mph
Calories: 870 Distance: 2.65 Time: 65:00

Note: My knee hurt from the first minute.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Two Dates; Half Lousy

And finally....I had two dates yesterday. One planned. One spontaneous. Which one do you think went well? Oddly, not the spontaneous one, which is what I would have bet against odds on. Oh well, take a chance on me, right ABBA?

Velvet Voice and...Nothing
Planned 2nd date with Velvet Voice in afternoon. Four solid games of billiard, he beat me fair and square 3 out of 4. But we agreed that I lined up some nice shots for him to clinch the deals. Lots of fun, lots of humor, really chummy. Lunch afterwards, typical, good food. Quite a bit of talk about all the job possibilities he has in the hopper. This guy does not like to be idle. Positive. Especially since I am so sloth-like. Haha. Good conversation about each other's families, growing up, and 4th of July plans (mine: hiding under the covers with the dogs; his: several picnics). He did ask me a few questions which was great, indicating that yes, indeed he can shut up about himself and listen. He had suggested "grabbing sandwiches and watching a movie back at my place," but the reality was that he didn't have enough time as he had to go watch his niece and nephew for the evening. I did not like that he invited himself over, but I let it pass as it seemed harmless and I'm trying not to be such a bitch. Really I am. He offered some kisses but he was overly concerned with food between his teeth and did not want to kiss overly much. Alrighty.

The End of Classy Guy
Spontaneous date with Classy Guy. Not. He needs a new name. International Asshole maybe. Sigh. I was already planning a solo movie trip to see The Proposal or The Hangover at 10 pm. Like a radar or something, he texted at 9 pm and said "Want to see a movie?" so I said "Sure...." He didn't care what he said, he just wanted to get out of his room at the Marriott. So, I don't even know where to begin. Again, it was the little things. He has GPS and he's insisted he never needs directions (which I was fully prepared to give) even though he's new to Jersey. Then he can't find the theater for 20 minutes, and he's driving around asking ME "Where am I...." and I'm playing Where's Asshole by asking "What are you seeing as you drive by...." But, I joyfully brush off this frustration, because he's SO mad when he shows up, I know that I can only just smile and let it go. So, we missed The Hangover start by about 15 minutes but The Proposal was just getting started so that was that decision.

Sitting up close because that's all that was left, I'm sure that Sandra's nostril was the size of my head. Then I learn that the man has absolutely NO movie theater etiquette. Where the hell was he living all his life that he could just talk out loud at me and at the screen? What is that about? I had to shush him several times. But the movie got him laughing a lot and he seemed to really relax. OK good. I settled in and enjoyed the movie as much as one can enjoy a movie where you know exactly what's going to happen and you're staring at the body of an actress who is in her late 40s (?) and looks like she could be 21. Lovely. Nice nude shots Sandra, more power to you, seriously. The cutest thing was the dog, but that's me. At one point, he actually turned to me and said "I thought they were only there for a weekend, it has been two nights already." *blink* Sooooo....12:30 we get out and surprise, he is hungry. Starving actually, hasn't eaten dinner etc etc. I'm debating, should I just go home, I wasn't planning to eat because my lunch was late with Velvet Voice. We try Friday's - only the kitchen is closed, bar is left open (oddness). We end up at a diner. Here's where it gets interesting.

Right away, he sees the manager and he starts talking to him in Arabic. Asking him where he's from, etc. Don't ask me how I know, I just know. It is a thing with me. Some words I can just know, some words don't get translated etc, etc. Then the International Asshole of Mystery refuses to tell him anything about himself, his last name or anything. Flat out refuses. The manager looks at me and asks me where he's from. I shrug and say "Last week it was Morroco..." The manager tells the waitress to serve me, but the guy can't eat anything. We all laugh and silently I wonder if the food is going to arrive clean. So I order some grilled shrimp. He orders a chicken eggplant sandwich. They both arrive with french fries, even though mine was supposed to be rice. Holy hell, I can't resist. It is like better than winning Megamillions to my carb-starved cells. I'm on top of those fries and silently loving them like there's no tomorrow. He's grooving on his sandwich, pouring way too much ketchup on his fries, and I'm at peace for a moment. Then he gets up, sits next to me on my side of the booth (something I normally find very romantic), and asks me to explain baseball to him.

So I use the rebroadcast of the Yankee game that is playing on the TV. He proceeds to argue with me about how I am not explaining the game correctly to him, while admitting to me that he knows nothing about the game. I'm beginning to grow frustrated. In the middle of this, he glances at my plates and says (you knew this was coming didn't you?): "You know I've noticed something about you....you don't really eat healthy...." *blink* What is wrong with grilled (not fried) shrimp - maybe a little high in cholesterol? So clearly he meant the fries. The last meal we had was Mediterranean - grilled lamb, vegetables, salad, and we split a piece of baklava - at his insistence actually.

This comment of his sits on top of Mr CNA's comments, Mr Listener's comments, and every other comment anyone has ever made about my body or my eating habits. I think this wounded me because hell, I had TRIED my best, and not ordered like 7 other far worse things I wanted on the menu to begin with. I don't know if I handled it correctly or not, but I can only be myself. And I just looked at him and told him quite calmly, "I think that is a rude thing to say as someone is trying to enjoy their meal." He laughs at me, doesn't get up, and says "I was just making an observation." So I got more upset at this point, "You're an ass, please go sit on the other side of the table, I don't want to sit next to you right now." And he doesn't budge. Totally being manipulative and childlike.

So I guess I got down to his level, and I said, "OK well I have an observation too...you treat people rudely. We came in here and you immediately began speaking in Arabic to the manager and you asked him where he was from and he told you. But when he asked you where you were from, you just played a game with him for your amusement. I don't think that's very nice. You should treat other people as you would like to be treated."

We finish our food, and I try to pay for my part of the meal, because I want him to know I do not consider this a date. He refuses, and the waitress takes his money even though I have mine in my hand for her. He tells me he isn't going to leave the waitress a good tip because she didn't come to check on us. I said I didn't blame her as he had acted like a nutcase with the manager. So I put down some more money on the table.

Then we're in the parking lot and he informs me, not asks, that he will have to sleep on my couch tonight because his gas light is on and there are no stations open.

I said absolutely not, he could sleep in his truck. But I didn't like that idea either, and felt bad for him and thought of my own advice of treating others as I would want to be treated. So we went home and got the gas from my garage for the lawnmower and came back to the parking lot and he poured it into his truck.

Then he tried to tell me that he could just sleep on my couch. And I told him with all seriousness that I didn't have a couch. He looked stunned. What, he doesn't have a last name; I don't have a couch. And we parted ways. And he's called me 3 times since last night, one was to tell me that he deleted my number from his phone because I'm a strange unkind woman.

Honestly. Why do I bother? Oh yes. Because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.


*rolling eyes*

BS Central

I'm a frustrated, pissed-off, and aggravated camper at the moment.

Ironically, I've started a 10-day stress cleanse today. Not a colon cleanse, although the instructions say you may notice a change in bathroom behavior.

There's an in-depth review linked to the photo with a list of ingredients. Let me tell you, I need the cleanse. There is probably more cortisol floating around my body than anyone else I know. Except perhaps my mother. She holds onto stress with a vise grip.

Alrighty, so let's get the list off my ever-diminishing, dwindling chest, shall we?

I'm sure you'll find my rantings amusing and simply "the stuff life throws at you," but honestly, these are the little things that make me feel like life isn't worth trying to live "to the best of your ability."

First on the list, AT&T, Asurion Insurance, and every other mobile phone network provider.

I've been a LONG-time customer of AT&T. I was with them before Cingular, I suffered through Cingular, and rejoiced when they became AT&T again. Having said that, if I could leave them today, I would. Why? Because they treat my loyalty like shit. I have been with a half-life smart phone for a week now. It is my only phone. Sometimes people can hear me, sometimes they can't. Sometimes text messages go through, sometimes they don't. This isn't any reflection on the service; it is directly related to the fact that I killed the Blackberry. I freely admit this. ALL I WANT IS ANOTHER PHONE. Surfing the web site, I see there are refurb'd BBs for $40.00 - FANTASTIC! But, no, not for ME, the loyal customer, but for newcomers.

For me, there are only phones for $350, and non-BBs for about $170. Why? What did I DO to be discriminated against? I will let the lovely Wirefly explanation tell you...

"Unfortunately, we cannot process your request for a contract extension / upgrade for (phone number) at this time. AT&T has informed us that your phone is not eligible for a contract extension until 10/30/2009. As a result, we cannot process your request to extend your contract and purchase a new phone at a discounted price. As soon as you become eligible for an upgrade, we will send you an email with a link to our hottest offers."

What the bloody fuck. You take your long-time, loyal customer, with a problem phone, and you DON'T allow them a discounted phone until a certain time? WHY!? What does the company gain by doing that? Other than create a completely pissed-off customer, I can't see how they benefit.

The phone is 3 weeks out of warranty. It survived 13 months in my life. And now my choices are to see if it can limp along until the end of October, get another number with a new contract, or buy a $350+ replacement. Ha. Yeah. Right.

And insurance? Forget it. No longer worthwhile to have. I paid for months and months for insurance and when it comes time to take advantage of it, they inform me that it could take up to a month and $175 or more to replace the phone. And they said they have the right to deny the claim. On principle alone I canceled the claim. So clearly, you think the two companies are working together to eeek money out of people or am I being too jaded? That just sounds like how business is done in my opinion.

OK. So step up to the next issue on the list...getting new tires for the RAV4. Simple checkup while getting oil changed indicates the tread is pretty low on the tires. Sure, I expected this actually. I drive over 75 miles a day. So I get a few estimates and turns out the same place that changed the oil has the lowest price. It is steep overall at $700 but necessary. So biting the bullet, I call ahead on Thursday to make sure the written estimate is in their system, price etc, and stock is on hand. Yup, yup, yup. All good. Set it up for this morning. Oh....show up there, and guess what? They've only got 2 of the tires on hand. OK....so can they put the 2 on? No. Only if my old 2 are the same brand/tread, otherwise apparently "the transmission can be burned out." What? Whatever. So I said OK....I can come back in on Friday. Great. Oh but wait, Friday is in July, not June and the June estimate had a June discount. I looked at the guy and I said well it isn't my fault the tires I called about yesterday aren't here today, is it? Unbelievable.

And I haven't even told you about the dating....

Friday, June 26, 2009

Save Snaps!

Mr Velvet Voice

Warning: Food Porn Below

Why is it that when I finish a task, especially but not always physical tasks, I want to reward myself with food? It must be the way I was raised. Not throwing blame, just looking to understand, as always. I must ask Why...I went to a college where I was taught that is the most important question to ask, but I was asking it long before I reached age 17.

Case in point, I finished mowing the lawn, and what did I want? Here it is:

Yup. But I didn't get it. No big deal. But I do feel blue this week. Unmotivated. And not PMSing.

My date on Tuesday? Seems so long ago I almost don't remember.

He needs a name, and although the date went well, sparks at the kiss and all, the only name I can think of for him at the moment is "Talks a Lot About Himself." Which isn't fair, because that makes him sound completely bad. But he does talk a lot about himself, and I'm doing my best to listen. But something tells me if I'm already finding it a struggle, that's not a good thing.

I'm going to call him Velvet Voice, just for giggles. He does have a voice people would pay money to listen to, which you would think would help with all the listening I have been doing. If only he had a European accent as well, I'd be a goner.

Velvet Voice and I are going to play pool on Saturday. I should be able to get to know even more about his personality then. Good litmus test.

Oh and Classy Guy, is apparently all done watching international soccer for the moment, long enough to call me to say hello to my voicemail. Although he made me laugh a lot on our first date, the dismissing of our second date bothers me still, so I'm pretending my crackberry doesn't take calls. Is that cruel?

The replacement Curve 8310 better be in my hands today.

I have no reason to be feeling like such a bitch. Except maybe, well, my 40th birthday - I mean, my Forever 39 Day - is 5 months away. Hence the ticking countdown clock I've added to the blog. Can't find a prettier one. If anyone can help find a better countdown clock, the date is 12/12.

And I'm not going to Italy, I'm not going to Ireland. And I'm not getting any thinner, so perhaps it is good I'm not going where European men would pretend to lust after me. Despite the shrinking shoe size and pants size and people telling me how great I look and asking how much weight I've lost, the bloody scale is not moving. I refuse to post a number until it moves. Just so tired of the process.

It is Friday. And Michael Jackson is dead. And so is Farrah Fawcett. Two childhood icons. And so many other people in the world are dying needlessly as I type this.

"If you want to make the world a better place,
take a look in the mirror and make a change...."

(Man in the Mirror, Michael Jackson)



Wednesday, June 24
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 82
Average heart rate: 138
Max heart rate: 155
Workout mode: CARDIO mode HR 150@ 2.6 mph
Calories: 400 Distance: 1.30 Time: 35:00

Note: Back to the gym. Struggling to find meaning. And drive. And purpose.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

My Crackberry 8310

My Crackberry is dead. Completely, utterly dead.

I am going into serious withdrawal.

Not to mention how I'm ever going to wake up.

This totally overshadows the fact that I have a date tomorrow night.

Of course, this is my own fault. I should have put it down when I picked up the dog water bowl.

Yes this is pathetic that I'm so upset. People died today in a DC Metro accident. People died around the world for horrible horrible reasons. And all I can think about is all the phone numbers I don't know.

How many days will I have to go without it before the replacement arrives?


Monday, June 22
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 85
Average heart rate: 134
Max heart rate: 156
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 19 @ 3.0 mph
Calories: 897 Distance: 2.71 Time: 65:00

Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Skunk Whisperer

I would like to find a man like this:

Funked on Sunday

I am in quite a funk. The blueberry gluten free muffins burned in my tiny galley oven. Not quite the scent I was hoping would be wafting through my place.

Classy Guy canceled our 2nd date today, while I was watching He's Just Not That Into You last night. Rather appropriate. His reason: He wanted to watch the rest of some international soccer playoffs. I found that amusing, because I wanted to watch the Sox game on TBS, but I wasn't going to so we could hang out today. Guess I can now.

It can rain from now until the end of time, but I still have to pull my head out of my ass and get back to the gym.

Such is my life. I am starting to think I don't even know how to have a successful date anymore. Perhaps I am emotionally unfit for companionship. Sure feels like it today.

Friday, June 19, 2009

The Sun Still Exists

I took these photos on my ride home Friday, when the sun was presenting itself in all its glory. The clouds were still there and still dark of course, but I found it inspiring in the moment.

Of course, at the start and end of each commute is my nemesis, my anti-catalyst, my bane of existence...the Tappen Zee Bridge. I'm doing pretty well with my phobia if I am able to take photos while on the span itself. In the last week, during the rains, I witnessed 6 car accidents.

Of course, the sun is gone today, and no one knows when we'll see it again here in the northeast. Although I am absolutely not a sun-seeker, I have to admit this ongoing rain is getting to be a bit much. I lost ALL desire to clean, which is stupid, because I'm inside, I should feel like cleaning.

All I want to do is curl up, watch movies, and eat, of course. Well, I'm going to give in partly to my desires. I am doing some cleaning, but not all. And I am making gluten-free muffins with fresh blueberries. And I will eat them. And then I will watch He's Just Not That Into You and then 3:10 to Yuma. Show me some yummy cowboy action.

Then I will watch the Sox game, even though they upset me so much last night I thought I might take a Sox break. But Beckett is pitching against one of my old favs: Derek Lowe, formerly of the Dodgers, formerly of the 2004 World Series winning Red Sox, now with the Atlanta Braves. So when either team is up, there's still a hot pitcher to look at. How can I go wrong with that?

And then, yes, I suppose there is the gym....

CNA - Closed!

So Mr CNA "informed" me via voicemail yesterday (first contact since Saturday) that he would like to spend Friday night and Saturday night with me (Friday night in my area and Saturday night in his area).

So I had to make the dreaded phone call. And I was as straightforward and honest as only a Sagittarian can be. OK, so what I really mean is that I was blunt. I told him that he'd lost me the moment he slapped my hand at the table like a child. I told him he needed to keep his hands to himself, and that if he felt that he knew me well enough to even joke like that, then he was mistaken.

He was so surprised there was silence. Then he said I was overreacting. And again...the words "overly sensitive" were used to describe me. Hmmm, sounds like deja vu Mr Listener, doesn't it? OK....

Well, fair enough, I guess I am sensitive when it comes to food. But he didn't know that when he reached out and slapped my hand, did he? No. So that doesn't excuse the behavior.

So the conversation ended with "best wishes," etc. and I felt bummed out in many ways and crawled onto the couch for "NJ housewives" entertainment.

This morning, I got an email from him, and this paragraph must be shared (and is going into the Virtual Vent!):

"If we lived together I would make your dietary intake a point of discipline, control and reward. You are one of the MOST beautiful woman I've ever known but your body betrays that stunning, near perfect porcelain like complexion of your angelic face. I so wanted to mold you into the beauty I see."

Wow dude. Wow.

I'm not walking away. I'm running.

P.S. Meeting a new guy tonight to watch the Red Sox game. Yay, a single Red Sox guy in NJ! We're going to wear our gear and shout proudly at the TV (providing we can get them to turn it on for us) in the midst of Yankee and Mets fans. So if you read any headlines tomorrow that begin with "Two Red Sox fans..." hopefully the rest will read "fought their way out from a pack of rabid Yankee fans..."

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Classy Guy

Date recap with Mr Class (formerly Mr M.E.):
  • Dark and good-looking.
  • Mysterious accent.
  • Likes to laugh and make others laugh.
  • Knows how to treat a woman like a lady.
  • Wears more jewelry than I do.
  • Fashion aware.
  • Extremely complimentary.
  • World traveler.
  • Makes more money than I do (good because there's no pride issue there for him).
  • Is shopping around for a used Hummer, just because.
  • Thinks animals are great (as long as they don't share the bed).
  • Already asked me out to movies and dinner for Sunday (he's traveling for work until Saturday evening).
Well most of these things are good.

I cannot and will not ever ride in a Hummer.

I can overlook the jewelry as long as he doesn't start smelling like he bathed in cologne. He wears a cross which is important to him, he said mostly to indicate to people he's Christian. Racial profiling and discrimination must suck.

And should things ever progress that far, Duncan will probably win him over with his good morning purring charm.

I did feel a spark. Which is OK to feel. Hell, I guess I must be alive. And I laughed a lot, which was such a good thing.

Who knows, we'll see.

And we have another day of heavy rain....I just want to sleep!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Slumdogging It

I am frustrated today. I have worked from home which is usually awesome and quite a fantastic perk of my job, but today the neighborhood was buzzing with activity.

And a cold hard fact hit me. I am living above my means, because of the dogs and their need for a fenced yard. I was never supposed to live here this long and this unsupported. But we all make choices and we all face consequences so I'm well aware of my responsibility.

I've managed it and now I'm looking at a 4th year here if the slumdoglords deem it so. I've looked around and there's nothing cheaper with a fenced yard, but there are plenty more expensive out there. Funny how rental costs haven't dipped with the economy.

I really need a partner (not a roommate), someone I love, to live with, and share expenses. Until that happens, I'm never going to get ahead. And this is why I accept dates so frequently, because you just never know if you don't try.

The deceased former owner of my rental was such a gardener.
Her gorgeous flowers are still showing up year after year.

__________ Breaking News __________

How my slumdoglords spend my rent money...

Again this year, they're tree abusers.

This isn't jealousy; this is disbelief at their audacity. Last year it was the ridiculous swing to the left, which they've sat on 3 times. I keep waiting for a storm to bring that branch down.

Today their handyman and his day workers have custom-built benches around their trees (yes, more than one!) using imported wood, he was quick to tell me because he can't stand the family either. I told him it was nice to see where my hard-earned money was going when I can't even get them to update my 1972 dryer for improved energy efficiency.

Maybe I'll be buying a dryer and deducting it from the rent.

Next I imagine weather-proof pillows and cushions will be out there. I'm hoping the birds really crap it up.

Maybe I'll be buying some bird seed.

(I know, karma's a bitch.)

Level 19: Mt Everest

I haven't heard from Mr CNA. I haven't contacted him either. Of course, things need to be said, I'm just not in any rush to say them.

I have a date tonight with Mr Mechanical Engineer (M.E. until I learn more). He's got a wicked sense of humor, and he's in Jersey, by way of West Virginia, by way of some middle-eastern country.

So, if I go missing overnight...I may have been kidnapped into a harem but I'll be laughing as I go...

(My entire family and friends just collectively gasped. I love it. I am such a Sagittarian.)

May I remind any panicky people that I married there, I lived there, I loved there, and I survived many trips there? Thank you.

Mr M.E. speaks perfect, college-level English and he's Christian (not that that should matter, racist people!).

I have provided all information to Sweden. I will make a safety call. Don't worry, I'm just going down the road less than 2 miles for Moroccan food in broad daylight.

My biggest concern? I just hope they don't bellydance at my table, pleeeease, I will lose my appetite.


Tuesday, June 16
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 77
Average heart rate: 136
Max heart rate: 162
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 19 @ 2.6 mph
Calories: 798 Distance: 2.51 Time: 65:00

Note: It is nice to put some numbers back up again, even with T.o.M. hitting me hard, I still rocked the treadmill.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Feeling Somewhat Better

I am not sure finally joining Facebook was a good thing. Former boyfriends and former husband, everyone living fabulous-sounding lives. Not that I don't, by someone's standards I'm sure. Just...well, have I ever mentioned I have this problem with the past? I can't seem to let it go? Yeah. Well, I guess this is just a reminder that I have let it go and I need to continue to let it go.

Anyway...new phrase:

When the date goes wrong, the wronged go shopping!

The blouse I bought that made me feel good: priceless

The other delicious items I bought that made me feel good: priceless

And then there was True Blood delicious vampireness:

Alexander SkarsgÄrd, where have you been all my life? You are the sexiest thing to come out of Sweden (the country, not my friend!) in a long time. Apologies to the Princess.

Yeah, Really

Date Recap...

So, I was 45 minutes late due to "congestion" getting into the city. I knew it existed, I'd just never experienced it in the 3 previous trips, so I was clearly spoiled and naive. But Mr CNA took it in stride, told me no worries, he'd wait at the bar and put our reservation on hold.

When I finally arrived, we realized it was a cool restaurant (thanks Jenn!), but not one for much conversation as you're elbow to elbow with the next party. I was closer to the woman on a date next to me than I was to my date across the table. But that turned out to be OK as it became apparent CNA and I didn't have much to talk about after the small talk.

Drinks were strong, food was delicious.

But here's what really bothered me. As I reached for chips (this was a Mex place...chips and salsa on the table)...

He tapped my hand away. Once.

I blinked.

Thought he was....I don't know...joking? I half-smiled and reached again.

He tapped my hand away again.

I looked at him incredulously, with all my wrinkled brow clearly showing.

I said, "That tactic isn't going to work with me..."

He just smiled and would have said something but the waitress showed up.

Mind you, I've never discussed my eating plan, my exercise plan, or even really my weight loss goals (outside of telling him I'm at the gym a lot).

The rest of the night pretty much sucked. The music was lousy. There are a few hours of my life I'm never getting back.

At the end of the night, he said he has most of next week off work, and he'd like to come out to my place and talk about "us."


Two dates. One great, one lousy.

I'm not sure there's any "us."

Someone say it, please, I don't have the energy.

"_ _ _ _!"

Friday, June 12, 2009

Twi-Lite Bite

I know I'm like the last soul on earth to see this movie.
Well, it's done.

"What a sick masochistic lion..."

Great line.

You didn't think I could go there?

Oh there's so much you don't know about me.

I do like my vampires a little more True Blood style...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Pfft Manage This!

T.o.M. is lurking like a shark...

(Click photo to read the captions.)

All that I can say about management II training is repetitive of what I felt from the first course:
  • I do not want to be a manager, at least, not of people other than myself.
  • I am an observer, nurturer, follower type.
  • I'd like to sit in a circle, hold hands, and sing kumbai.
And.....unlike last year, they are not feeding us. Not even water. Worse than I thought. They've made such cutbacks on ridiculous things that they cannot even feed us captive prisoners, which means they expect us to purchase our own lunches. This is a HUGE global conglomerate people. Poor management 101, right there.

It works in my favor so I can bring my own lunch, but I barely have enough time to eat it after going back to my cube, heating it up, and dodging the 50 people who have been lying in wait for me like I'm some A-list celeb and they're the paparazzi. I had to actually tell people "I'm not really here sorry" yesterday. Where did I put my invisible cape?

I have spent my evenings catching up on work...of course....about 6 hours or so. No gym for me. Wah.

At least my Soxy boys kicked some Yanker ass last night. Game 2 on Wednesday, game 3 on Thursday.

Bring it on New York, bring it unto the House of Fenway. We shall take all that you have to give and we shall deliver you a Boston-style Beat Down!

Monday, June 8, 2009

Training for the Mind

amazing 3 lb loss since last Monday...

I have not been to the gym in 5 days. It wasn't wholly intentional. I was preparing myself before donating blood, then recovering after donating. Then it was Thursday and I was so tired. And then Friday was the date. And then this weekend I felt the urge to sleep greater than the urge to move it move it. I have slept some serious hours. I wonder if I could be a professional sleeper.

Perhaps the loss is evidence that the Gabriel Method is working. The whole "Safe to be Thin" concept might be sinking into my psyche. That would be a lovely thing. It is particularly interesting to see the 3 lb loss this week as the week before I worked my ass off and gained those 3 lbs. Remember that 5 on the scale? Well, it isn't too far away now. Again. But I'm not fixated. Nope. A few weeks ago, I made that declaration that I could live the rest of my life at 2xx so maintaining this is just as good. Hear that subconscious? It is safe here. Breathe.

I'll be in management training all week...you know the kind? Where they throw all this rhetoric at you, then you have to act it out in little skits with each other to simulate practical usage, all the while pretending not to be concerned about the daily work you're missing and no one on your team is qualified to do in your absence which you'll likely have to do in the evening hours? Yeah, that type of training. Oh I love it. As my team is fond of telling me, that's why they pay me the big bucks. So not funny. Maybe it would feel like big bucks if I were sharing my life and my expenses with someone, but all on my own, it is nothing but paycheck to paycheck.

They will feed us to keep us in the room like caged animals. It is going to be tough. I'm not really a sandwich person. They usually have salad with no protein, hopefully I'll just sneak in my own dressing. Does anyone know where to get whole flax seeds? I wish there was a Whole Foods near me. Might have to take a drive. Pay day cannot come soon enough.

Hope everyone has a great Monday.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Undercooked Fish


Just to totally freak your body out, stop going to the gym for a few days, and eat a 4-course fondue meal. Watch it lose 2 lbs. Laugh hysterically. Call it the Mini Fondue Diet.

Ah well. Tomorrow it will be back to the gym, but I'm just taking it easy. Sleeping a lot. And feeling safe in my skin. The residual effects of the Friday date are fantastic.

So I was skimming about the net and came across two things to share.

The White House Chef shows off a bit of the garden...awesome, go green!

And....didn't you always want to know....what would you taste like to a cannibal?

What would you taste like to a cannibal?

Undercooked fish? Really. Hmmm.

Created by Recipe Star

Saturday, June 6, 2009


WTH, after a 4-course meal...!? Just wait a day...

My beautiful, Duncan-approved flowers from Mr CNA.

He surprised me with these at the end of the date. Pulled them out of the back seat of his SUV. I was so stunned. And I love the Stargazer Lillies. Good choice, man, good choice.

The Melting Pot is extremely decadent. I know I have sinned. And sinning never tasted so good. There is no sign of a bad economy in there. Four courses is an obscene amount of food, with an obscene price tag attached to it that my date did not mention nor even bat an eye at paying.

I had to trick myself into thinking it was a celebration of sorts. The other two couples near us were celebrating anniversaries, so I just told myself I was cheering on love everlasting. Or something to that effect. I really did find myself quite perplexed.

The baby spinach Gorgonzola black walnut dressing salad alone would have been enough food for me. Oh how my expectations and stomach have shrunk. But you can't say that at this place, because you have to pre-order all the courses ahead of time. And of course halfway thru the appetizer dipping course, your date orders 1800 Cuervo neat and turns to you and says "Join me?" and you're a tequila lover, you feel your head nodding before the "empty calories" thought has even reached your brain.

So with one drink (about two shots worth) I was grinning and giggling for about 15 minutes, my lips were tingly, and the food was sizzly. And the compliments from him just kept coming. And the stories of his younger days and crazy things he's seen and done were entertaining. And the list of dogs he's owned, and failed relationships and how the dogs were connected to those relationships. And how he sometimes kept the dog even though the dog had come with the woman who had since left. Told lightly, in an amusing manner, I was entertained.

Such is the case with the two-year old, 165 lb brindle-colored Mastiff waiting for him at home last night. It was refreshing to talk to someone who has a large "lap-dog" mentality bull in a China shop; it sounds like he already knows my Chad very well. Of course, the idea of those two dogs together seems impossible, but that's putting the cart way before the horse.

Sweden asked, in post-date reflection with me, if there were sparks. For me that is hard to answer. I think sparks means sexual attraction. Then again, I think maybe it is good not to feel sparks. I think maybe sparks means I'm not thinking with my head. He has nice kind eyes, a good manner about him, and he made me feel like I was special. That made me smile more and feel good. Even in the midst of all that food, I felt pretty, I felt desirable. When I've felt sparks in the past, I've lost my head and made choices that probably weren't in the best interest for me.

We'll see. Sure as hell beats feeling lonely and friendless on a weekend.

Breaking news: Mr CNA has won concert tickets on the radio without even trying (he was calling up because they played a request of his) and he's asked me to go with him - yes, already. He hasn't heard of the band and neither have I. We're both too old I suspect. Has anyone ever heard of The Posies? I'm a big music lover; am I out of touch or what? Youtube here I come. Apparently they're performing Frosting on the Beater (sounds decadent as well). Looks like I have a date for next Saturday already, if I can figure out how to get to The Gramercy Theatre. Country girl going to the big city, again. Oh my!

Friday, June 5, 2009

Fondue Me!

at least it isn't going up...


Smoothie: Liquid egg whites, chocolate whey protein
FF greek yogurt, 1/2 cup guava juice

blueberries (superfood!)
salt-free sierra nut mix


I didn't make it to the gym. I will blame it on the rain. Instead I slept another 14 hours and watched the movie Breaking and Entering. There's something about Jude Law that I equally cannot stand and cannot resist. I'm quite sure he's a manbearpig though.

Well Dutch, that's the name Sweden gave him and it suits perfectly (aka Jersey City Boy, click this link to read about our first date) has yet to call as he said he would via text, yet continues to text message me good morning today. I won't go out with him if he's not going to pay. Just going to have to be upfront about it. Thanks for all your support.

By the way, happy Friday!!! The Virtual Vent is open 24/7/365 and taking your drink orders....Ventis, Lattes, LITs, Bloody Mary's....

In other news, I have a date tonight, yippee! Finally a Friday night date! That alone is amazing news!

I will meet Mr CNA, who does Ta'Chi, plays the guitar, and has a 165 lb mastiff. Conversations should be entertaining to say the least; with the man, not the dog. He's already made it crystal clear that it is a "date date" and he fully expects to pay. Hmmm, baby boomer men at least know the right way to start off a date.

And guess where he wants to go? The Melting Pot. He's reserved a booth in what they call Romantic Alley.

OMG, I'm not going to eat for the rest of the day!
Fondue anyone?!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Stress & Opinions

OK I'm going to just say it: I am feeling stressed. Work issues. Money issues. Future housing issues. I've been holding my breath for a week or two, and then realizing that there's no oxygen going to my brain to think clearly. I went to bed at 5 PM, woke up for the game score, fed the dogs, and went back to bed.

Found this on the Red Sox fan site, believe it or not...some obvious but good advice about stress. They were consulting doctors at Harvard University about stress...

"Some amount of stress is normal -- even healthy," according to Miller. "But when people have to worry about their jobs and their bills without a safety net, and they feel they cannot afford to fail, that engenders panic. It's harder to manage problems and there are physiological consequences, too."

"Chronic stress increases the risk of cardiac problems," Carter said. "It affects blood sugar levels, it can lead to gastrointestinal problems. You might have trouble sleeping or have muscle tension that leads to headaches. Believe it or not, people often blame their symptoms on everything but stress."

Both Dr. Carter and Dr. Miller agree that an important first step in dealing with stress is acknowledging it -- not allowing it to become part of the "background noise" in our lives. Being part of a team helps, too.

"Guys in the locker room can pick each other up," Miller said. "We all could use a support system. That can be family, friends or a mental health professional. People tend to do better if they can talk to someone who can help them de-escalate the crisis, give them perspective, or take an overwhelming situation down to its manageable bits -- like the pitcher who breaks the game down into one batter, even one pitch at a time."

Carter has another helpful strategy.

"Exercise is a great stress reducer and it has the all the added benefits of increasing fitness. And while I know it's easier said than done, try not to worry about things you can't control. Take care of yourself first."


Poll of Opinion

OK I'd like to take a poll of opinion...

Surprise, surprise, I didn't think that I would hear from the blue-eyed Jersey City Boy (I don't know what else to call him, Elvis Lover?) that I split the bill with last Saturday night. But sure enough, he made contact via a text message exchange.

Him: Hi, how's your day going today?
Me: Putting out fires without enough water. Thanks for asking. How are you?
Him: Doing OK, spending the day with my son.
Me: That's nice, enjoy those moments. Thanks for saying hello.
Him: We should talk on the phone soon.
Me: Sure, call me anytime.

24-hours later...I'm not waiting for him to call.

But my question is:

Should I go out with him again if he asks me?

If I do go out with him, I don't want to split the bill with him again, so I was thinking of saying something like "Well, are you asking me out on a date? Because I have some old fashioned values...."

Or I could just sit there smiling sweetly when the bill comes and thank him for such a nice meal.

Thanks in advance for your opinion.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009



Did you know you could be a superhero?

That's the way I feel at least, when I donate blood.

There are many people who can't give...

Brad and Angie probably can't because they've traveled to malaria-infested places or gotten tattoos in the last year. Paris probably can't because she's doesn't weigh 110 lbs. The Red Sox players probably can't because they're working out too intensely (or taking god-knows-what supplements).

But I can. When my iron levels are good. And you might be able to as well. Please consider it.

And please ask your vet if your pet could be a blood donor!


Tuesday, June 2
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 81
Average heart rate: 134
Max heart rate: 154
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 19 @ 2.8 mph
Calories: 857 Distance: 2.58 Time: 65:00

Note: Rocking level 19. Temp inside gym was 75 degrees. Need to speak to the owner about that.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Letting the Mind Wander

"A woman must have money
and a room of her own if she is to write fiction."

- Virigina Woolf

Aha...so that is what's missing...that's why I can't finish what I write...money. I'm laughing.

Anyway, I can't believe it took me several years to get around to seeing The Hours. An English major, I should have flocked to the theater to see anything having to do with Virginia Woolf.

I guess I must have been in a happy place when it came out and didn't want to get too low. Anyway, I can cross that off my Netflix list. Now I think I must see Twilight before the next one comes out.

I did not go to the gym. I came in from the walk around the neighborhood with Lo, and my body was just screaming out not to go anywhere else. I think my body was protecting my mind, because I took quite a trip on that walk.

There's a new guy on the horizon at the email and phone call stage. He's older, a psych ward CNA, and a musician. For some reason, these things interest me. Maybe I think he would have some stories to tell.

But, every time I try to date someone new, a part of me remembers why I moved down to Jersey from Massachusetts. An older builder to the rich, he was supposed to be my last relationship. When a man plays guitar and sings Bad Company's "Feel Like Makin Love" to you after cooking you a fantastic meal he caught himself --- Errr, where was I? Oh, sorry...there's nothing left of me but a puddle of girl goo.

But, funny how those moments come and go. I thought older men knew what they wanted, knew they had less time to enjoy it, and wouldn't play games and leave me. But men are men. And some men are manbearpigs. This would be our 5th year and according to his blueprints for life, we would be building the log cabin and the barn on 10 acres and moving in spring 2010. I wonder if he's revised his 5-year plan. I wonder if he has a bucket list instead.

Anyway, now, when I walk the neighborhood, when I turn the corner a few streets over from where I rent, there is a striking visual reminder that the house he and I spent so much time in together no longer exists (new owners tore it down and rebuilt). Where a small 1950s cottage once stood in a copse of evergreens, now looms a three-story McMansion with no trees. All that seemed natural and real is gone. Even the grass seems a false dayglow green.

And as I pass by it walking a black dog, a different black dog than the one he knew and loved, it seems like I imagined the whole 4 years. Like there's a blip in the Matrix, Neo.


Carolina Girl, I made this with you in mind. Sorry, no veggies.

FF Greek Yogurt
Guava Juice
Coconut Juice
Chocolate Whey Protein

The juices contained way more carbs than I should have.
But it was yummy and the closest to ice cream I've had this year.
No blender. Just shake it up.


Monday, June 1, 2009

Flight 447

I am awash with grief over the loss of Flight 447 over the ocean, one of my greatest fears. May all souls lost find peace in their new worlds.

Thank you everyone for reaching out to me in my frustration. I feel all the love and support and you guys rock my pathetic little world!

Not taking a night off though, just going to take it slow. Maybe walk the dogs and then just do 30 minutes at the gym. Then curl up and watch The Hours (which will hopefully not thoroughly depress me).

Special hugs to my niece who has just returned from a trip overseas; I'm so glad you're back home safely.

Monday Blues

I really don't understand it.

Sense of frustration right now is immense.

I did not take a sip of alcohol. I did not take in any extra unhealthy carbs. I worked my ass off at the gym Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I am not PMSing. I drank gallons of water.

Maybe I am working too hard.

I really don't know. This seems to echo what the GM book says that no matter what you do, if your body doesn't want to lose, if your body doesn't feel it is safe to lose, then it won't. I will have to go back to tackling the subconscious mind hangups I guess.

Please don't tell me muscle weighs more than fat and I'm building muscle. I don't believe in that thought.

Really feeling low....I would take today off from the gym, but I'm donating blood on Wednesday so I definitely need to take that day off instead.


Sunday, May 31
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 76
Average heart rate: 139
Max heart rate: 165
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level 19 @ 2.6 mph
Calories: 450 Distance: 1.32 Time: 35:00

Leg Press
70 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Row/Rear deltoids machine
30 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Ab Press
40 lbs, 3 sets of 12 reps

Standing heart rate: 81
Average heart rate: 144
Max heart rate: 157
Workout mode: MANUAL mode 10.5 incline @ 2.6 mph
Calories: 445 Distance: 1.39 Time: 35:00

Calories: 895 Distance: 2.71 Time: 70:00

Note: I enjoyed my workout...had the place to myself.

you're like butter to me

Just a Lovable Party Girl

Just a Lovable Party Girl
Sagittarius is born to travel the world and move upwards and outwards. Naturally gregarious, they love the idea of meeting different people and understanding foreign cultures. There is also a desire to broaden the mind too, with the possibility of many Sagittarians being lifelong students. Their outlook is generally optimistic and there is a distinct lack of concern over the smaller, practical details. A great sense of humor and a lack of petty mindedness are Sagittarian qualities too. Sagittarius is open -- open-minded, open-hearted and generous, up to a point. They like to get value and will not be quite so impulsive with their cash but they do have a natural ability to get on with people from many varied walks of life. They have an innate sense of wanting to help others and give them a hand up the ladder and can be wonderful and exciting companions. Expect an honest answer when you ask a question and maybe some long philosophic discussions into the night. Jovial, optimistic, versatile, open-minded, philosophical, sincere, frank, visionary.