Losing Weight; Finding Men

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Dressing Up

I honestly don't know how much I weigh. It is far too late in the day to get on the scale. I know I haven't lost, the question is how much have I gained. I just don't know. I'm trying to find the reason to care to keep losing.

I survived the expensive wedding. More photos coming from other people, but these I took myself. I was, I must admit, fairly miserable with myself when I took them. I felt I looked much better in person and that I couldn't get the camera to show how I really looked.

Oh yeah, and the hair....dark. Dark to be like my natural hair. Dark because it has to cover the gray. I don't like it. Probably not at all realistic but for some reason I feel the darker hair makes my face fatter. Everyone else likes it. But I don't believe what anyone says anymore. I just think people will say what they think you want to hear. I don't think anyone tells the truth anymore.

The last wedding I went to more than 8 years ago, I think I weighed 325 lbs. I had a date, a long-term live-in boyfriend. I danced, but I also ate everything in sight. My date wouldn't dance, so I danced with other girls. In the end, I remember thinking that I hated the entire event and when the photos came, it was devastating. I have that photo on my bathroom mirror to remind me that I never want to look like that again.

Last night was different in some regards. I don't weigh anywhere near 325 lbs so when I danced, I didn't sweat as much as quickly. A co-worker's husband loves to dance and he took turns dancing with all of us which I thought was really super sweet of him. I really felt like I could have a good time, if I chose to do so. So I tried. I didn't have a male date, but I had the company of a really good female friend. We laughed a lot, and that was very comforting as laughter always is. It was an Italian wedding, so of course, there was more food expected to be consumed in one night than one person should ingest in an entire week. I didn't hold back. I ate whatever I wanted, because I felt like celebrating. But I found myself unable to eat a lot. I am sure that my stomach has changed.

I did not like being pinned into a dress that was too big in the chest and too small in the waist and hips. I did not like putting on the SPANX bullshit, basically a wet suit that supposedly camouflages all your fat. NOT. Instead it simply gives you a spandex burn and a lousy "whiskwhooshwhisk" noise when you walk. Talk about embarrassing. As least 90% of the time the surroundings were too loud to hear that.

I find it interesting that different clothes and colors will give difference appearances. For example, in the photo below, about one month ago, I think I look thinner than in the photos above from last night. The reality is that I'm not. Anyway...it just goes to show that it is partly how you feel.

I did find myself looking at the bride with a bit of envy. Only because I never had the white gorgeous dress when I got married. I never felt gorgeous or desired, although looking back, I clearly was the beloved prize of my future husband at the time. I was a size 18/20 then, but I would have no doubt felt uncomfortable. I wonder if I will ever be comfortable in my own skin.

But then I thought last night as I watched the silly festivities like cutting the cake etc, that beauty rarely lasts. What a jaded bitter thought. The romance and all is great at first, but in the end you have to have someone you can have a conversation with in the dark and in the morning, not be afraid to wake up next to them, fat (or whatever flaw there is) and all.

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Just a Lovable Party Girl

Just a Lovable Party Girl
Sagittarius is born to travel the world and move upwards and outwards. Naturally gregarious, they love the idea of meeting different people and understanding foreign cultures. There is also a desire to broaden the mind too, with the possibility of many Sagittarians being lifelong students. Their outlook is generally optimistic and there is a distinct lack of concern over the smaller, practical details. A great sense of humor and a lack of petty mindedness are Sagittarian qualities too. Sagittarius is open -- open-minded, open-hearted and generous, up to a point. They like to get value and will not be quite so impulsive with their cash but they do have a natural ability to get on with people from many varied walks of life. They have an innate sense of wanting to help others and give them a hand up the ladder and can be wonderful and exciting companions. Expect an honest answer when you ask a question and maybe some long philosophic discussions into the night. Jovial, optimistic, versatile, open-minded, philosophical, sincere, frank, visionary.