Losing Weight; Finding Men
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
1. Sox will play the Angels in the ALDS. At least I'm not living in a hotel for two weeks. (Thank God says Sweden!)
2. And Mom is in the hospital again.
Fluid in one lung. And some odd things going on with her hands and feet. They're monitoring her blood every 4 hours. Something about her heart, which oddly they'd always said was in great shape. I guess it is up until the moment that it isn't.
I don't know anything more. Rather frustrating. I don't trust a single doctor. It has been this way for more years than I can remember. Whatever I hear, I just think, "Yeah, umhm, right." And wait 24 hours for them to say something different.
Of course, she doesn't want anyone to go visit her. And really, I get sick to my stomach just walking into a hospital.
But last year, one of my good HS friends didn't get a chance to say goodbye to his mother before she lost consciousness and she had a DNR and well....you know....those thoughts linger.
Every day we should cherish what we have and who we share it with.
Blah blah. Anyway. No crying. Hugs and all that.
Tuesday, September 27
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 78
Average heart rate: 129
Max heart rate: 145
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level email@example.com
Calories: 804 Distance: 2.46 Time: 65:00
NOTE: Really thought the exercise would drum up some hunger. It didn't. I found myself uninterested in eating until about 8:30 at night. What's up with that? I'll probably never see the 900s again as I am trying so hard not to overwork the knee. So far, so good.
I Ated It
Sesame Ezekiel bread: 2 slices
1 tblsp garlic
1 TBL reduced fat shredded cheese
1/4 cup Blueberries
2 mini size snickers
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
(I wish it was a literal colonic, but no, it was just a mental one.)
It has me thinking of ways to limit animal-based protein in my life. And I'm passing it along to share because it might just be someone's light bulb moment.
A Cure For Cancer? Eating A Plant-Based Diet
Let's face it, I've read Michael Pollan's books, I've read Jon Gabriel's book, and I'm trying to eat on the outer edges of the supermarket aka "natural, non-processed foods," and buy organic whenever I can afford to do so, but that's probably not enough if I'm still consuming animal protein 7 days a week.
Here the same author describes how to eat consciously:
One Bite at a Time: A Beginner's Guide to Conscious Eating
And the author also links to a movement called Meatless Mondays - which has a ton of veggie recipes that make my mouth drool but I'll probably never make any of them because I just don't try new things that often. I noticed the recipes call for cheese, so I'm confused about that because cheese is dairy. I guess their primary focus is meatlessness.
For what it is worth...
(I stopped counting...)
Monday, September 26
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 78
Average heart rate: 129
Max heart rate: 155
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level firstname.lastname@example.org
Calories: 812 Distance: 2.47 Time: 65:00
NOTE: Took it slow at the gym. Not a single knee twinge. Yay. I guess I have to scale back my superwoman repertoire if I want to be able to go AT ALL. That's just the way it is baby, I have to suck it up.
I Ated It
1/4 cup blueberries
1 tablespoon Smartbalance PB
2 slices of Ezekiel sesame bread
64 ounces water
8 ounces of tea
Chicken Ranch Taco salad
1 shot of vodka
Sunday, September 27, 2009
On Wednesday, my Tuesday night date continued to text message me with both small talk and overly suggestive remarks. I answered a few, but when he asked me if he could come over and see me, I said no. And then it went downhill from there. After a few remarks about me being a coldfish, I told him that he may have worked hard all his life but he still couldn't afford to buy some class.
On Wednesday, I also began lengthy email exchanges with a man interested in dating me....from Texas. Divorced with an 18 year old son. Wife had cancer (deja vu.....) and got hooked on pain pills. And now they're divorced, after 16 years. However, he's so eager to start dating me that he wanted to drive from Texas next week. We've only been communicating for 5 days. I told him to hold his horses. Just not a good vibe when a guy seems to want to rush things.
But International Dating Week did manage to continue...
On Thursday, I had a date with a 34-year-old man, originally from Costa Rica. Adorable smile. Great body, built like an ox. Ironically though, suffering from a back injury sustained 2 years ago. Can walk and run fine, but not for a prolonged period of time. He had to give up soccer and driving for now.
We got along very well. It helps that he likes to talk, and well, I prefer to listen. He didn't mention a thing about my weight. There's chemistry, but we only had a little kiss.
But what struck me most during the time I spent with Mr Costa Rica, is that he is SO damn happy. No matter what.
Every once in a while in life, we cross paths with someone who is so full of positive and genuine warmth. They glow with happiness and they seem to face adversity with a smile. That's what this guy is like. Bunnies and sunshine.
He thinks a 2-hour train ride to come see me is easy to do. He thinks it doesn't matter that he hasn't been able to see his mother for 7 years because he talks to her all the time on the phone and sends her money and bought her a house to live in. He always seems to see the brighter side of something and doesn't let the negative side get to him. He even told me a story about how his younger brother accidentally cut his Achilles' tendon. He said he didn't even get mad.
OK, I can understand being positive and thinking the best of life, but it just strikes me as a little odd. Anyone else know anyone like this? He's almost like a Disney character. Or something. Or I'm just too cynical.
Will I see him again? Unless something extremely odd happens, probably. But you know my life, extremely odd happens often. I don't see things becoming even remotely serious. He still wants to get married and have babies. Um, yeah, not with me buddy.
No point in even talking about baseball. Nothing really worth watching until the Sox play the Angels which won't be before October 7.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I took it slowly, started out at 2.2 mph, ended up only at 2.6 mph. Level 18, which means a range of 8% incline to 13.5% incline. Nothing too outrageous.
And at minute 31:00, the knee tweaked. And the pause button got hit. And I had to go down on my knees and make the knee pop. Then restart at minute 32:00.
And now, as I write this, it doesn't hurt, but it doesn't feel exactly right. Lovely vicious circle we have going.
#1 Calories: 410 Distance: 1.22 Time: 35:00 (plus weights)
#2 Calories: 860 Distance: 2.68 Time: 65:00
#3 Calories: 730 Distance: 2.68 Time: 65:00 (plus weights)
#4 Calories: 867 Distance: 2.72 Time: 65:00
#5 Calories: 885 Distance: 2.85 Time: 65:00 (plus weights)
#6 Calories: 935 Distance: 2.86 Time: 65:00 (plus mowed the lawn)
#7 Calories: 903 Distance: 2.81 Time: 65:00 (plus weights)
#8 Calories: 901 Distance: 2.83 Time: 65:00
#9 Calories: 594 Distance: 2.02 Time: 50:00 (plus weights)
#10 Calories: 866 Distance: 2.73 Time: 65:00
1st Ten Stats: 7,951 calories; 25.04 miles; 8 hrs 45 mins
#11 Calories: 840 Distance: 2.58 Time: 65:00
#12 Calories: 914 Distance: 2.82 Time: 65:00
#13 Calories: 911 Distance: 2.76 Time: 65:00
#14 Calories: 916 Distance: 2.80 Time: 65:00 (plus mowed the lawn)
#15 Calories: 920 Distance: 2.83 Time: 65:00
#16 Calories: 943 Distance: 2.93 Time: 65:00
#17 Calories: 955 Distance: 2.95 Time: 65:00
#18 Calories: 937 Distance: 2.88 Time: 65:00
#19 Calories: 858 Distance: 2.56 Time: 65:00
#20 Calories: 830 Distance: 2.52 Time: 65:00
2nd Ten Stats: 9,024 calories; 27.63 miles; 10 hrs 50 mins
Why has this amount of exercise not resulted in weight loss? Probably because it wasn't 20 workouts in a month's time. Other people are running and I am trying to simply WALK UPHILL.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I really don't.
Not eating enough.
Not eating the right stuff.
Caring too much.
Not caring enough.
I don't know.
Enough! Is! Enough!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Still, I was hopeful. After all, you know, the internationals like me.
And this guy was no exception. He pursued me hard for a week. Oh my, such an investment in time. This guy was SO eager to meet me. From Macedonia, with Hungarian, Croatian, and Italian ancestry. Speaks 6 languages. Has a business degree. Nice, dark, and handsome. Warm eyes, clean look. No comparison to Borat. All good.
He is all about work. And status. Has a house here in Jersey. Has a house and boat in Macedonia. Divorced with grown kids who prefer to live with him because of the house. Works so much and so hard he can't say what he does for fun because he rarely has time for it. Plays basketball with his son. Enjoys concerts but rarely gets to go. Works major holidays.
You get the picture. At more than one moment as we sat at the diner picking at pieces of pie, I felt I was listening to my ex husband talk about how if you want nice things you have to work hard for them, and he was proud of all he's accomplished since coming to the states 21 years ago. He should be.
But by the 5th time he told me that I have beautiful eyes and hair, I got the feeling I knew what he had time for. It was confirmed when we got to the cars and he gave me a hug that had an extra special package down below.
He told me he was a very passionate man. I told him that was nice. He said he was looking for a passionate woman. I told him I was passionate, just not on the first date.
He then said, "I'm not looking for sex right away. I'm just looking for someone to understand me. I may not have a lot of time now, but in 2 years perhaps I won't have to work at all anymore...."
Then he grabbed my waist and shook it a little and said, "Who knows, in 2 years, I sell the restaurant and the house, you lose a little weight, and together we can go live in Macedonia."
I blinked. I replayed the words. And I repeated, as my profile clearly states: "I need someone who will accept me just as I am."
He stood there smiling at me. "Oh I know. I know you have dogs too. That's OK. I love dogs. I had a white shepherd once."
I stopped hearing his words. "OK I'm going to go now. Ciao."
"I'll call you Thursday."
I'm home in time for Craig Ferguson. Who has lost weight. Great, isn't that just great.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Well, Baltimore is not Bermuda. But, Baltimore is a nice place to visit. Especially when the weather was absolutely perfect. No humidity, a little chill at night. My ideal weather, besides a snowstorm.
It is very likely that there are untouched photos just waiting to be posted of me asleep with my mouth gaping open catching flies, but I'm bravely just going to step forward into the light and leave the weekend safely behind me until it smacks me in the ass.
After mentioning said weekend first, of course.
The Red Sox Nation was very well represented in Baltimore. I would say 3 : 1 and no wonder Sox fans call beautiful Camden Yards "Fenway South." I would see a game there again in a heartbeat.
However, I would only go if I had seats with someone. I've done many things alone. I've even seen a few games at Fenway alone. But this felt different, probably because I knew Soxy Deb was not too far away yet we weren't hanging out together. She is after all, married. *gasp* I know. I forgive her. Congrats on the 25th Deb and Mike.
But without someone to commiserate with you about the annoying 21-year-old hoytie-toytie bitch talking non-stop in your right ear about everything from Michelle Obama's lack of style to whether or not Dice-K is here on a work visa to how she's likely going to catch swine flu or bronchitis from the child coughing three rows behind her, there's just something that much harder to take about having to sit in one of those chairs for 9 innings cheering on as your team crushes the hometown team.
Speaking of seats, there were plenty of extras. Somewhat sad for Baltimore and somewhat frustrating for me. I know plenty of people who would love to go to a game in Boston but cannot.
The city itself was very friendly and nicely cleaned up, in the inner harbor area, with just the fringes of unsafe. I suppose if you throw enough money at a place, it starts to shine a little. The hotel on Sunday was just 7 months old and looked like a shiny new penny. Little did I know until informed by one of my two would-be flirting men that Baltimore ranks as one of the highest crime cities in the country. Hmm, no kidding. I did notice that the music of the night was very siren-esque.
Ah yes, in a city FULL of Red Sox fans, my two would-be flirting men were cricket fans. And not from Queensland. My taxi driver had a rather adorable look to him I admit, like Mohinder on Heroes, and he mentioned getting off work just after my fare and asked me where my dinner companions were, but I just couldn't see leading him on. And my waiter at the Rusty Scupper (Yes, I tried a Maryland crabcake finally) was also very friendly telling me about how he played cricket for a national team even, but I just couldn't bring myself to hang out after I'd eaten dessert. I guess this is where I fail as a cougar to take advantage of being appreciated.
Do we always want only that which we cannot have?
Watching the sun set over the yachts in the harbor, I did find myself missing ol' Boston and Cape Cod a bit. But there likely aren't any cold fishes who want my company up there either.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
It is afterall, my vacation.
Sidebar: Alcohol has destroyed aspects of my family's core. I'm from a 3-generation alcoholic family, but the key part is it affects the males. We females, I don't know, our vices lie in other areas I guess. Alcoholism is when you "need" alcohol to deal with a situation or emotions. Having a drink now and then and enjoying the quality of alcohol does not make one an alcoholic. Besides we all know my vice is carbs.
I love tequlia. I don't know why, which is lame. I should know why I love something that destroys my liver a little bit each time I drink it. But I do. And I love the top shelf stuff. Jose Cuervo was so college.
But when Grey Goose and Skky vodka came out, I was intrigued. They carried the reputation of hangover-less enjoyment. I was sold.
Mind you, after two drinks, I'm buzzed enough to enjoy my night. More than that, and I'm soon sleeping.
For some reason, I always associated Absolut with college, aka the Jose Cuervo of vodka.
Now a few weeks ago they released Absolut Boston, a limited edition flavored vodka, via a massive campaign on facebook. They tied it to Fenway, which is Mecca for Red Sox Nation. The Green Wall is part of the bottle for god's sake.
There was no way my curiosity could not be piqued.
And I sought and I sought and I sought for a bottle of this stuff.
And then Sweden learned of my quest. And she took it upon herself to find me a bottle.
This stuff is wicked good!
Wicked pissah good.
Good to drink while watching The Boondock Saints good.
(You just gotta say it with some Boston tone to it.)
Despite all the appropriate jokes, no it does not taste like the Charles River. I can't quite describe the flavor, but if I tell you it has black tea and elderberry in it, you're going to think it is super sweet. It is not super sweet. It is just a hint of sweet in my opinion. And Sweden says "yes it is sweet but not too sweet."
I have had it straight up over ice. Delish.
I have made my own mix: one shot vodka, 3/4 unsweetened iced tea, 1/4 cranberry juice. So fantastic one must remember not to gulp it like straight tea.
Sitting in the sun in the backyard, waiting to see an early show of Love Happens, and sipping this drink...I almost feel human again.
Which is very important. To feel human.
Because we drove by L's new house today. And although we were not impressed ("run down shack" was Sweden's impression), it still felt both really good to get the curiosity out of the way, and really incredibly heartbreaking.
His truck was in the driveway. Otherwise, I might have been convinced to take an unladylike piss on his mailbox.
Here's hoping the demon has been exorcised from my soul!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
So what exactly am I doing on my first day off?
Well, cleaning the house actually. Yup, floors, bathroom, sheets (but no windows). Because most princesses like clean houses. Even ones who travel with 2 dogs of their own, vacuum sealed into a tiny sports coupe.
No seriously, Sweden is taking care of my dogs while I go off to Baltimore to
And I've also spent quite a bit of time making room in my smaller-than-a-ship-galley-kitchen for her gigantic coffeemaker that she is bringing somehow some way. I don't drink coffee. Ever. Don't like the taste of it. I know. I'm strange. But I've also never known a woman who cannot exist without her coffee the way that she needs it.
Of course, coffee aficionado that I am not, I suggested Folger's coffee singles - you know - what soldiers in Afghanistan are delighted to drink because they'll take any coffee they can get?
She said, "New Jersey is hardly Afghanistan..."
I told her with the WWII vet on one side wearing a white handkerchief on his head and chasing Canadian geese from everyone's yard, and the Indian doctors on the other side, it might be more Afghanistan than she thinks.
When she arrives tonight, I'm going to give her a burka.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I got some incredibly craptastic news at work today. I mean, the kind that gives you an instant headache, causes you to wonder why you aren't living a nomadic life off where the wild things are instead of tethered to a cubicle, surfing the interwebs for vodka recipes.
Turns out, in the 11th hour of course, that management wasn't exactly crystal clear on this "mandatory paid time off by the end of September" situation, and as a result I've somehow scheduled TOO much time off (which considering I haven't had a vacation since April 2008, I find hard to believe, but the time management program calculator doesn't lie). My boss had asked us to send our time to her when we figured out which days we were taking; she revealed today she never even read them. She didn't count the hours. And now it is affecting some people.
So, I had to make a decision:
a. Take the full 12 days I scheduled, and accept starting the new year with a deficit of PTO.
b. Cut my scheduled time off by 6 days.
What do you think I did?!
When did I EVER save anything for later?!
As planned, my full 12 days off start this Thursday. Look out, I might be heading to a town near you. But first I've got to get my hands on a bottle of Absolut Boston.
Here's to living in the moment,
All in the name of research (unpaid research), I've purchased this new style bra. The things I do for
Does it work?
It does rise up a little bit more frequently in the back, which others of the same size do not.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
You've been forewarned.
this is a really long time by McLovin' Life.♥ on Polyvore.com
Edward? Are you there?
There's nothing now...but silence.
I remember the last time I talked with him. He'd married Bella and they were honeymooning. And I finally felt I could relate to their love, remembering my own young love when I got married at 20. I was really thrilled they'd found a way to be together.
But Edward and his appeal have left me. And Edward, this feels really strange because I didn't imagine this would ever happen.
I thought Mr Fictional Character would always be there. How is it possible that he's left me, if all that existed was conjured in my head?
And I know the exact moment he left me.
The moment he laid his vampire eyes on his... spawn.
Yes. Oh good grief Charlie Brown!
No. No. No.
Give me a break. A child!? Wait, let me throw the freak of nature a baby shower. She's going to need a lifetime supply of blood.
Perhaps for many women and all those teenage girls, the storyline is so romantic. I can see how it might be. Not only are Bella and Edward together forever, but they have a delightful child who will be as well. Oh goody goody gumdrops.
I understand it was geared for teenage girls. Maybe because I cut my vampire teeth on Anne Rice's novels, I'm a little too jaded. Any other conclusion to this tale would have been acceptable. So, I'm sorry, but I'll take the fantastical make-believe world of True Blood Bon Temps any day over the extremely idyllic supernatural life in Forks.
I'd say I lost about 85% interest in Edward, my handsome vampire de jour, and I struggled to even finish the book.
I began to read it solely to read another writer's technique. And there too, I became disappointed. Where was Edward? Where was his character development? He'd become a cardboard cut-out, save for a few moments defending his family at the end.
I'm also really amazed at how easily everything came together for Bella. Even her father's acceptance. Even her lack of bloodlust. Easy peasy. She had to struggle through 3 other books but wow, the 4th book was the easy life in comparison. I never liked her whiny, uber low self esteem, but at least her struggles were worth reading.
Of course, Alice was the greatest heroine, and maybe they should be writing books just about her.
I thought I would be gushing. I thought I would be thrilled. But that ending was such an anticlimatic ending that I feel robbed of any real sense of accomplishment. Of course, ironic about Jacob and the child, and interesting how they had to save Bella's life by turning her, thus absolving the guilt factor a bit for Edward. But those are such minor elements to the story.
Several people have told me they loved Breaking Dawn the most out of the books. Please, write and tell me why. I respect everyone's opinion even if I don't share it. And all the other books had meaning in their titles. What's the meaning of Breaking Dawn, did I miss it somewhere? Like during one of the countless times I fell asleep trying to finish the book?
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. If the books were written from Edward's point of view, it might be more interesting for me. I certainly devoured Midnight Sun. I wonder what the audio books sound like?
Goodbye Edward, you are a sick masochistic lion no longer. You know, there is an actor portraying you in the movies. Really not how I imagined you, but so be it. I will look on you fondly as the movies come out, and remember the nights you used to thrill me so much. It was good while it lasted.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Along with many of you who enjoyed hearing about my last date, some of you also expressed concern over my choice and my potential lack of self-esteem with such choice.
Oh no people, please. I knew I was scraping the bottom of the barrel. I just didn't know how disgusting it would be down there.
Let me assure you, I'm quite well. Mentally sound and emotionally kicking ass. The best evidence of this is that I finally had a night's sleep without a single dream of L the Donkey Ass.
However, I thought you might like to know that my dear friend, the exiled Princess of Sweden, (or as I call her casually: Sweden) has put forth an edict, royal seal and all, so you need not fret that I will ever stray quite so far to the bottom of the barrel again. Here is the royal edict, and I assure you she is serious:
"If you EVER go on a date just for a free meal again, I will drive down to NJ, slap you and then drive back to MA immediately."
She also wrote: "He’s an ass and that’s why he’s still single. He is uncultured and I’m grateful I automatically fall into his non-option pool (not dating any one born outside of the US). [And] I can’t believe you stayed after his question."
All in the name of research and entertainment, my friend, research and entertainment. But seriously, no one needs that much research and entertainment.
However, for something that is a bit more genuinely entertaining, I offer a few more guitar cover riffs from Chicago.
Yes, midwestern milquetoast though he may be, he really and truly IS a NICE guy. He just doesn't like animals much. Odd how that is usually my measurement of a good character, liking animals. But if we reflect on history, clearly that theory must be re-thought because the ever-inappropriate Frugal Non-Flyer really liked animals. And L loves animals. Sadly perhaps, it is because they are not that far evolved from them? No, that is an insult -- to the animals!
Chicago plays guitar for relaxation from the financial world, and interestingly enough, does not play for romantic whims. I asked him what he feels when he's playing (because I'm always so certain it is passion one must feel to play music), and he said he isn't caught up in the passion of the music as one might think; he's just trying not to make a mistake. So he's a self-effacing beginner, but since I can't strum a single note, I'd say he's pretty good. He plays for the guitar only; he does not like to play the melodies that are re-written for guitar. So where you might be expecting to recognize melody, you're only going to hear the guitar section.
So for some simple listening pleasure on a Thursday...here are some mini guitar riffs from my friend and future-Vegas-cohort Chicago. Oh, this is an audio thing, not a visual thing. I threw the images together just to get the tracks accepted for uploading here. So you might just want to close your eyes if you're going to listen.
Monday, September 7, 2009
I'm having trouble capturing exactly what was so wrong. After all, I knew many points already that were major red flags. And I was just going for lunch and to remind myself that I cannot shut myself off socially or there will be very bad consequences.
It might have been his comment when I hugged him hello, "Wow you're nice and soft."
It might have been his dismissal of the waiter 3 times when he couldn't decide what to order.
It might have been his insistence that "we" order 3 appetizers AND entrees, and "he" would take the leftovers home to his mother.
(I would put the Norman Bates reference here, but quite honestly, it freaks me out too much to do it.)
It might have been when all the food came, he advised me to "dig right in, because he loved a girl with an appetite."
For the record, he's a thin guy, and he says he likes his women plump. I told him I had an appetite all right, an appetite for life and food was just a part of it. 4 out of 5 judges say that was a good answer.
It might have been his conversational topics of the Yankees, even though he's not a diehard fan.
It might have been his attempt to bait me on political issues like healthcare by telling me that he would never put his mother in a home because he has strong family values and that anyone who didn't understand why he lived with his mother didn't have strong family values.
It might have been his lengthy list of medication his mother takes. 15 different pills a day. I could have competed in the "My Mother Takes More Meds Than Your Mother" game show, but I wasn't in the mood to divulge information.
It might have been that he grilled me about my siblings. Not just how many and where do they live, but how many kids, and why isn't my brother married, and why did I get divorced, and do I regret marrying a foreigner.
It might have been that he went on to say that he would never date a woman who wasn't born in the United States. Even Canada. I guess he can add xenophobia to his list.
It might have been that he kicked my leg twice, stepped on my foot once, and instead of just apologizing, reached under the table in an attempt to errrr "rub" the area.
It might have been that he commented that I really shouldn't have ordered a salad because if I wanted to take it home, it would be mushy. I assured him I wouldn't be taking it home.
It might have been that he ordered a TRIO of desserts and then loped off the cheesecake piece for, you guessed it, his mother before the thought even entered my mind to take a taste. I jokingly said that he should have just brought her along, and he said he didn't think that would be a good idea because she naps in the afternoons. I'm not entirely sure he realized I was joking.
It might have been his peptic ulcer and high cholesterol revelations and his pill popping right before the meal.
But no, really....although all of that absofreakinglutely happened, what really and truly did it in for me was when he leaned across the table, placed his hand over my hand, and said (I'm quoting verbatim):
"I really like you. If you really like me, would you consider having a threesome with me and a girl friend who weighs about 300 lbs..."
First of all, the fact that he made her weight an issue, disgusts me. I wanted to shout, "What the fuck does her weight have to do with anything?"
Secondly, ok, I appreciate straightforwardness I guess, but...I.....ummmm, I'm sorry, how did we GET here? Did we take a wrong turn somewhere back in 1st date etiquette?
(Side bar: I'm not against a little excitement but please, within the context of a relationship for crying outloud!)
I think I stared at him and silence filled the space between us so completely, that I was blocked off by a wall of deafening quiet. I could
I was about to say, "I don't think that's going to happen ever, except in your dreams, and not because of her but because of you...."
But I had been too silent too long, and he realized he'd stuck his foot into a pile of shit.
He dropped my hand, resumed his posture, and got a little defensive, "Sorry, I thought you were open-minded...."
All I could think to say was "Open-minded, but not open-thighed."
He laughed and said "Well, maybe some day."
In your dreams Norman, in your dreams.
He proceeded to pay for the bill in several coupons and brag about it as all but $8 was taken off the bill. Is bragging part of being frugal?
I redirected his kiss to the cheek, thanked him for the lunch, and got the hell out of Australia, Jersey-style.
Ironically, once at home, I was immediately sick in the bathroom. Damn food.
And waiting for me in my inbox? Photos of his friend, asking me if I found her attractive.
No more lunches just for free for me. I am not that desperate of a soul.
So, did you all know Payless Shoes has some really cute items this season? OK I know, laugh. Some of you are all into high-end shoes, but not me. First of all, if I don't have to wear a shoe, I'm not. I prefer no shoes, like a barefoot country girl. OK where was I? My eyelids are starting to burn.
I got some shoes for the old black dress. This is about as high a heel I can do if it isn't a wedge.
And then I had to get these. They were too wicked cute. And it was a BOGO. And they go deliciously with the duster that arrived and that I love so much, I'm counting the days it will be cold enough to wear.
OH, what a funny thing. When I uploaded the photo, I just noticed the book I have under the boot:
How to Tell If Your Boyfriend is the Anti-Christ
Given to me a while ago actually, by the infamous Sweden, who has seen the highs and lows of my last two relationships, along with Qunnie. Damn women, that's a long time. Anyway, if you're mending a wounded heart right now, check this little book out for some laughs and some truths. Amazon has a "look inside" feature for a gander.
I actually passed HTTIYBITAC around the office and we all color-flagged the pages of our past BFs and then we had a chatter about them. It was good therapy. In that book, L was a: Gun Nut, Workaholic, Misogynist, A Commitment-Phobe, and A Total Bastard. Hilarious.
No, as a matter of fact, I don't still want to be with him. I just miss the
Oh, here are the flowers Chicago sent me on Thursday.
And when I told him that the Red Sox were not doing well (but we won today), he sent me this snippet of him playing guitar to cheer me up. It is the group "Boston," awww, isn't that cute and thoughtful in that clueless-about-baseball way.
I had to add the photos for blogger to upload it. The photos are from the back yard.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
He contacted me late last night asking for advice on relationships, in general, lamenting on how people treat other people.
So, one margarita and some wings later, I'm doling out advice on relationships and women. Yeah, me. The one who can't seem to keep a guy. The reluctant counselor. Funny stuff.
And in turn he's commiserating with me about the state of the country and how I wound up in Jersey via a trusting heart. He apologized on "behalf of men everywhere for L's obnoxious behavior."
*snort* Easy for him to say.
No seriously, all in all, it was nice to have a guy to talk to. Particularly as it seems that Edward (or rather my lust for Edward) has left me. More on that unbelievable thought really soon.
Right now what occupies my thoughts most is that as the season has turned, so has the eHarmless potential suitors. It seems more are paying attention to their accounts. Interesting. One man whom I closed out communication with in July because he failed to respond, asked me to reconsider, citing "I think we have the potential for a connection." Indeed. Where you dating someone in July and it just ended or what?
What I really like about the guided process, being a writer, is seeing if the guys choose their own questions or go with the pre-formed questions on the site. Here is a set of interesting questions lately. I'm trying not to be jaded. Really.
1. Describe some personal habits that are important to you.
2. What do you think are the three best traits you have to offer a partner?
3. What are you looking for in a relationship partner?
Is the man hoping the woman bathes, communicates her needs effectively, and prefers simple living over a high-end lifestyle? Ding, ding, ding, tell him what he's won Bob!
I am doing my best to answer these questions honestly, with an open heart and mind. But the reality is, however I choose to answer these questions, if I don't fit into that mold they have in their mind, they're not going to give me a chance.
I'm hoping the right relationship partner wants to stay up all night, watch the sunrise, make love and sleep til noon, then check his stocks for the day, and paint my toenails in the bath while booking reservations at a fine dining establishment. Oh, yes, could he please read me poetry, give massages, play the guitar, and throw the frisbee for the dog?
Right, I didn't think so either.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
The Honest Scrap Award rules are as follows:
1. “The Honest Scrap” award is not one to hold all to your self but it must be shared!
2. The recipient has to tell 10 true things about themselves in their blog that no one else knows.
3. The recipient has to pass along this prestigious award to 10 more bloggers.
4. Those 10 bloggers all have to be notified they have been given this award.
5. Those 10 bloggers should link back to the blog that awarded them.
(I honestly don't know if I know 10 bloggers who still blog these days. Let's see, I will try to name & link them at the bottom.)
1. I am a socially (and financially) liberal soul who absolutely loves country. Music, men, non-city mentality (mostly). I'd like nothing better than to be on a working ranch with a partner. But I'm getting old. That ranch better have a porch swing because I will need to sit a spell.
2. I know if I found someone who loved me "just as I am, Bridget Jones style," I would start dropping weight so easily, because I would feel so much better about myself. It happened before with L. It isn't about losing weight for someone else, but it is about feeling loved. The kind of love you just can't give yourself. And yes, for any would-be psyche majors out there, I do love myself. Hard. I freaking rock.
3. The dreams about L are so intense and frequent since his unexpected, bombshell-dropping visit. I love my sleep so much, and I hate him in the morning for disturbing it. I need an exorcism in the name of another man. Preferably one who is wearing cowboy boots.
4. If I could make a living doing the wild thang, I would. (That cannot possibly be why I'm alone.)
5. I want to go out to Wyoming, see a rodeo, and ride horses at a dude ranch.
6. If it snowed all year round, I'd be a really happy camper and I would secretly or not so secretly chuckle at everyone else's grumbling.
7. I believe I existed before as a wolf, and I've done extensive research into this. I would like to go to the Wolf Research Center in Idaho that is part of the Nez Perce tribe. (Maybe this is why I'm alone.)
8. I put animals before most humans. (Or maybe this.)
9. I have to be near water as much as possible. Must be because I am a fire sign. Living on the lake no longer cuts it. I hear the ocean calling me, and I need to visit. It has been awhile.
10. I never thought I would earn the salary I'm earning, and still be unable to afford some basic items of life. I also never thought I'd be alone at this age, for this long.
Without further ado, I bestow the Honest Scrap Award to...
In alphabetical order, I adore all of these strong, hilarious, thoughtful, women living compelling lives and sharing it with us as they do. Some are like me, some are nothing like me. There are a few others I'd like to mention, but they are not blogging anymore these days! *boo* Anyway, they all deserve the Honest Scrap award, whether they want to write about it or not.
Note: If you've already done an Honest Scrap Award post, I fully support recycling! See, I just got you out of it, now you owe me one!
- You want to say LOL instead of laugh.
- You look for the comment or like button on another application.
- Your idea of a fun evening is retweeting other people's doings.
- You can't complete a thought longer than 140 characters.
- You can't enjoy lunch with a friend without your crackberry in your hand.
Do you have any more? Let's hear them....then go unplug yourself!
About the things we’ve gone through
Though it’s hurting me
Now it’s history
I’ve played all my cards
And that’s what you’ve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play
The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That’s her destiny
I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I’d be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules
The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It’s simple and it’s plain
Why should I complain.
But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed
The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all
I don’t wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You’ve come to shake my hand
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all
Friday, September 4, 2009
Ach gawd, I miss Scoooootlan'. I might have to rent Trainspotting just for the accents.
What are you doing (or what did you do) this Friday night?
I'll tell you what I'm not doing. I'm not exercising at the gym. And I'm not having sex. I wish I was doing both. At the same time. Yes, sex at the gym. Ew. I need to bleach my mind now.
I have had a few Margaritas and Tequila Iced Teas.
I am fighting the urge to
I'm also responding to a few eHarmless questions from some eHarmless guys so far away from Jersey that it is perfectly unlikely I'll ever meet them, and I'm debating re-writing my OKCupid profile for autumn. I probably shouldn't do these things while I'm feeling so disgruntled. You think?
Oh, yes, yesterday, flowers arrived at work from Chicago. A small arrangement of carnations and daisies and baby's breath. Very nice, very random, but is it the action of a FwB? I have to laugh because I don't think the midwestern knows what an FwB is. I know I'm not leading him on; we've talked EXTENSIVELY about where we stand. So....sew buttons.
I accepted a date for "lunch on Monday" with an OKCupid man who describes himself as a "coupon-using frugal sort of guy." He lives with his mother (of course he does) who is disabled (of course she is), and he is rather proud of the fact that he has a union job that allows him to goof off 7 out of 8 hours. He works for a major telecommunications network, in case you're curious, message me. Where I see lack of drive, emotion, and passion, he sees a "going with the flow, day to day living life as it comes" way of being. He's never flown, and although he lives less than 30 minutes from NYC, he's only been there twice in his 41 years.
And you're wondering why I'm going to meet him? Hey, I just paid rent. A girl has to eat.
My Red Sox are not doing too well tonight, but we're leading the wild card race. I'm very excited to see them in Baltimore in two weekends with Soxy Deb. I think it would of course be awesome if the boys could win a game or two, but I think we're going to have fun no matter what. *wicked wicked grin* And if we could just happen to find out where the boys are staying...
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
A man and his two dogs are walking to raise awareness and funds for cancer research.
They'll be in Washington DC on September 18. (10 am - Lady Bird Johnson Park. 11 am -walk across the Potomac River on the Arlington Memorial Bridge, past the Reflecting Pool for a brief memorial, then congregate at the Old Folklife Festival Site.)
Last year 2dogs2000miles.org put out a beautiful canine calendar. And they're putting together a second edition for 2010.
My sweet Sena is a contestant for the 2010 calendar. The 12 dogs with the most points in the contest win the 12 main slots for the months in the calendar. The contest is set up such that 1 point or 1 vote is $1.00.
Below is the photo I submitted for entry. I thought it might be great for the month of October. (It looks much better if you view the larger image.)
Sena LOVED to jump these five-foot hay bales every autumn that are on the Tufts Veterinary fields in Grafton, Massachusetts.
I'll never forget the first day she simply appeared up there as if she had wings. It definitely was her own idea, and she loved the attention and the applause. Hay bale jumping quickly became a ritual of our walks.
When I look at these photos now, I think about how she used those powerful back legs and her strong spine every time. Years later, cancer would destroy those very same bones, but it never took her spirit.
She was 11 and she lived in the moment. I'm 39 and I'm trying to live by her example.
If you can vote for Sena or for any of the dogs, thank you on behalf of everyone who has to face cancer in their pet. In order to find a cure for cancer in humans, research will likely find a cure using animals.
If you can't vote, I understand, times are always tough. Please just hug your loved ones today, and take that moment to tell them you love them.
I have been worrying over my knee for what feels like forever. I can't remember when I didn't worry about my knee. Forcing myself to look back, when Mr Listener worked out with me and went on and on about how he had to be careful with his knees, I remember thinking, "I'm glad I don't have to worry about that." Ha.
I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing, but before the knee felt like it was caught on a hinge and wouldn't crack. Now, it feels caught on a hinge but does crack. Interesting. It is either getting better or getting worse. Either way, there's not much I can do about it. What's odd to me is that it is more likely to get "hinged up" when I'm just walking, not exercising.
This is all a sign of approaching the big 4-0 I'm sure. If ever there was a warning sign to those who are younger and in need of losing weight, here it is. It just gets harder the older you get. When I was turning 35, I had this incredible goal for when I turned 38. And here I am, well past 38 and still the goal is yet to be achieved.
Well, all we can do (you, me, and the Rockys of the world), is keep getting up, keep trying, and keep moving forward.
I may have some dates lining up for the weekend. That's right guys, just get in line. I'll believe it when I see them.
#19 / 80 (Yes, freaking revised!! ugh!)
Monday, August 31
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 78
Average heart rate: 146
Max heart rate: 166
Workout mode: RANDOM mode level email@example.com
Calories: 858 Distance: 2.56 Time: 65:00
NOTE: I spent the first half of the workout afraid the pain in my knee would come on and take me out of play. I spent the second half of the workout wondering if I would be able to get up tomorrow morning. If you're seeing this, it means I did. But it may have involved ibuprofen, especially due to the fact that T.o.M. is here.
I Ated It
chocolate vitatop muffin top
1 teaspoon smart balance PB
1 gallon water (really awesome to be craving water again)
8 ounces of unsweetened iced tea
grilled chicken breast
1 ounce brown rice crisps
baby spring mix lettuce
salt-free trail mix with cranberries
1 tablespoon FF ranch dressing
2 scrambled eggs
1 slice Ezekiel bread