Losing Weight; Finding Men

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Comp Me Again!

Thanks for the free room, Foxwoods...the wonder of it all....

Oh my God... for realz?

For realz...California, here I come!

Exhausted and alone, but so so so ridiculously happy!

The view from bed...where I could have stayed all day...next time!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Dear Food

Dear Food,

My old friend. My old frenemy. How are you? I ask, because I have no idea. I ask, even though I really couldn't care less.

I don't care how you taste anymore. Granted, I'd rather not put something shitty tasting in my mouth, after all, my taste buds aren't dead for god's sake.

But really, I smell you and I don't really have an oh-my-god-I-can't-wait-to-have-that-between-my-lips reaction anymore. Gone are the days of thinking about what I can eat, when I can eat, and how much I can eat.

Two bites of this warm pecan pie, and I was done. Wha!? Yeah. The thought of taking another bite really displeased me. The thought of bringing it home? Eh. No desire.

I don't recognize this type of thinking at all. Not for 40 years. But strange as it might seem to not give any thought to food, I honestly hope this type of thinking sticks around. I feel free from a trap I'd been setting for myself year after year after year after year. I owe it all to the supplement that has turned off my subconscious "need" to comfort myself with you....

So food, I'll be seeing you around. I just don't have the burning desire to consume you anymore as if I were starving to death.

Hopefully, I can transfer that desire to other areas of my life instead.

Best wishes.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Breathe, Wax, Refocus

I haven't had a hard lesson to learn in a long time so I guess one was due.

My Valentine was received but it didn't make anything better. Mr S still isn't sure he can get back to the way he felt before I melted down emotionally on the phone with him. Oh well. I told him that second chances were good things, but I've also told him I understand if he decides not to try. It will be whatever it is meant to be. He said that my messages were not helping, they were making things harder. So much for reminding him of whatever it was he liked about me to begin with.

Breathe in, breathe out. Wax on, wax off. Refocus on me. Selfish me.

I don't know why men spook so easily. Then again, I know a sobbing woman is probably similar to a monster for them.

There will always be bumps in any path taken; if Mr S' instinct on anything emotional is to take 10 steps back and analyze it like an engine and my instinct is to peel away the layers and look at it under a magnifying glass, then Houston, we have a problem with compatibility. I could likely adapt, I usually do.

But I will never ever ever put myself into another relationship where I have to "walk on eggshells" around my partner. I'm a Sagittarian. Hello, look in the dictionary and it is a synonym to the word emotional. Yes, I work on handling my emotions all the time, but I'm still going to be MORE emotional than other people.

*sigh* How many labels should I put on my dating profiles? Dog owner, weight-challenged, carb addict, emotional 40 year old female. If I did that....pffft, nevermind.

Breathe in, breathe out. Wax on, wax off. Refocus on me. Selfish me.

Perhaps his idea of a "rare lady" was one who has her shit together. I've accomplished a lot. But I'm still working on my shit. I'm still very much a work in progress, and I may remain a work in progress the rest of my life. As long as I'm working at it, that's what matters most to me.

Perhaps the connection, so new and untested, wasn't meant to be as strong as I imagined it.

Perhaps his only cosmic purpose in my life was to show me I was hiding.

So, the lessons I'm taking from this are definitely customized to my circumstances.

1. Don't communicate with a potential new partner when I'm exhausted.
2. Keep phone conversations from 20 minutes to an hour max.
3. Don't let things get too personal too early. There's no need to open the flood gates.

Although the verdict isn't completely in and dismissed, it isn't looking good. I am really hurting over the idea that I won't get to meet this man. Like I said he was one in a million in terms of qualities I seek. But I have to remember, I'm one in a million too.

And if he just doesn't feel that way, then he just doesn't feel that way. Better that than to be lied to just to have sex or something equally ridiculous that I've already experienced.

Breathe in, breathe out. Wax on, wax off. Refocus on me. Selfish me.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

A Love Wreck

“The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you,
not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.”

~ Rumi

I laid it out there. I pushed the envelope. I sent Mr S a homemade Valentine video and yesterday's entry.

Perhaps I should have waited longer, but I couldn't. After seeing that corny sweet manufactured Hollywood movie Valentine's Day, I just couldn't let today go by without trying.

Oh, I am a wreck strewn across the rocky idea of love.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Chemical Catalyst

It has been an interesting 7 days in the world of men and me. There's been a mail-storm of interest lately on all the sites I've got my profile up on. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I'm amused though, because I can't figure out the trend. Go for months with nothing, then suddenly men from everywhere express interest and I get to sort out who I like/don't like. Really, every time there's this much interest, I feel like I'm on a reality tv show and they're just playing a joke on me. The reality is there might be 2% in the pool that would actually be compatible but I'll take fishing in the ocean over fishing in a puddle any day.

Last Friday night, I met an OKCer. I wasn't even going to spend a word on him, but in hindsight, I think it frames up nicely in juxtaposition to the other experience I will also relay.

Mr Common was raised in Montana, spent quite a bit of time in the army, in Germany, and then Seattle. Currently in computers, in Jersey and unemployed. He assured me he had funds for 6 months, and he had a recruiter with a few great leads. Sure, whatever, I know some women won't date someone out of work, but really...I was not looking to marry him and didn't really care. If he'd never had a job, perhaps that would be a concern.

However, I knew when I first saw him, I would not be interested in him. He didn't smell right to my wolf nose. It wasn't as if he hadn't showered. He just had an unpleasant chemistry to him. Blue eyes which I love but one was lazy, off to the side severely. And lest you think I'm so superficial, he was short and stocky and THAT didn't bother me a bit. But eye contact....damn that is just key for me.

We sat at Panera and ate and talked. I got a nonstop earful - about an hour's worth - of army stories. And he had not one question for me. And not just army stories, but wild drunken army stories. Involving tricks he played on others. This man was reliving the past across the table from me and I couldn't help feeling as though he was really sad about his life now. I know, military men have to haze each other, and their bonds are tighter than tight. I love Band of Brothers and other military movies. But sadly, sitting there, a picture was starting to form of this man that I just didn't care for. He didn't seem....nice. I know that sounds lame. But I tried to keep an open mind.

We talked a little about how challenging it was to be new to Jersey, and what it was like to move out here for him. He proceeded to tell me two more stories from the past year that sealed the image forming. Both involved him losing his temper, once with a coworker in the office and once with a customer service rep at car rental kiosk in an airport. His description of his anger and his violent thoughts and behavior really made me uncomfortable. I saw a picture of a man who could not control his emotions or his actions. To have the police called on you because you made such a scene in an airport...maybe someone else can handle being around that, but it just isn't me. And why would you tell that to someone you're meeting for the first time and hoping to date?

So, I was ready to go, of course I didn't openly criticize his behavior when he was done or anything because I wanted to survive the night. LOL So, he walked me to my car, gave me a hug I really didn't want nor reciprocate, and he said, "Well, let's see how the chemistry is between us when you're not so tired."

Excuse me? How about we don't. And...I'm tired? I never said I was tired. I'd done my absolute best to be bright and bubbly. I should have said, "I wouldn't be so tired if you weren't so boring." Anyway, I wrote him a long email telling him exactly why I wouldn't be seeing him again. Done and next.

(Yes....next....there was a next that is worthy of a post all its own but I'm just going to babble on here.)

Every day we learn. Never stop learning.

Enter stage right...a man that I can really only best describe as... a catalyst.

Main Entry: cat·a·lyst
Pronunciation: \'ka-t?-l?st\
Function: noun
Date: 1902

1: a substance that enables a chemical reaction to proceed at a usually faster rate or under different conditions (as at a lower temperature) than otherwise possible
2: an agent that provokes or speeds significant change or action

Mr Catalyst. Mr Game Changer. Why do you ask?

I haven't found myself more interested in a man from the FIRST word exchanged in a very long time. If I had to think who was the last to make me feel this way, it was L, it was 2004, and I was open-hearted and open-minded. And yes, being THAT affected again, is startling. Like, wake me from a slumber I didn't know I was sleeping kind of startling. Holy shit, I still have THOSE types of feelings? I'm not dead there, in the deepest core of me? Really? Yes, really.

Mr S. is worthy of every complimentary word that begins with an S that I can think of. Sweet. Sexy. Super. Sincere. Sinful. He's a thinker. He's in touch with his emotions. He's a history enthusiast. He's got comedic timing. He's taller than me. He has blue eyes. He has seen the world. He wants to see more of the world. He doesn't want kids. He loves to snuggle beneath really cozy blankets. He has a voice that gives me those girly girly shivers. He's difficult to deal with, likely set in his ways, and confidently brimming with the experience to back it up. He asks detailed questions and wants to know about me. He goes off on lovely tangents in conversation that make me smile. He's 43 but mentions Winne the Pooh, loves the story of how teddy bears came into existence, and is likely a big teddy bear himself (though he would not want this getting out I'm sure - sorry, you'll all swear to secrecy right?).

We had about half a dozen amazing emails back and forth before our first phone call...which lasted 3 hours and 50 minutes....and I hate talking on the phone longer than 20 minutes! I felt like a teenager...with a super hard crush.

But here's why he's the catalyst, the game changer. He makes me want to be the best I can possibly be. He makes me bring my A game. He has a way of making me pull away the veils I hide behind and face the music. Yes, this early on. He has that much positive influence on me.

And now for the hard part. I messed up. He found this blog.

(Editor's Note: He found it before he ever contacted the crazy girl. And he still wrote.)

I honestly don't know if he'll read this post or if he's read one post or several posts or all 497 posts. I didn't give him a chance to tell me. Because it caught me so off guard that I freaked. And I melted down so completely that I may have lost the chance with him. The verdict is out, the jury is sequestered, and I'm wondering what will happen next.

But what I want to say, is that even if I do...lose any chance of knowing him further, I absolutely believe he "came into my life" as a great big wake-up call. The message? Stop hiding. Even when I didn't really think I was, I was.

Did I really think this blog was private? It is one of the first 5 things that come up in a google search about me, I've been writing and going around in circles here for years.

I have no reason to be hiding anyway. I'm someone facing my fears, my challenges, every day. I'm fighting for the best life I can have, even if that means I'm alone for the rest of that life. It may not be heroic or inspiring, it may be just one simple woman with one simple life, but I'm giving it all I've got.

If someone can't stand what's said here, then they don't want to know the real me. Having said that, there's so much more to me than just what's on these pages. I hope that anyone who reads any blog realizes that about the person they're reading. We can't show you everything or explain everything here. We'd be writing nonstop and we wouldn't be living.

"Get busy living or get busy dying." Either way, writing about it helps, and certainly gives a window. I just think if you want to know more, please try to come through the front door.

So I'm thanking Mr S for being my catalyst for change.

In a very short time, you found me, you wrote to me, you exposed me to myself, you called me a "very rare lady," and I'm grateful for the reminder. I used to know that. I do know that, deep down inside. I just need someone like you in my life to reflect it back to me once in a while.

If we don't risk rejection, we can't risk intimacy.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

My Supplements

DISCLIAMER: Please note I'm not endorsing any product or supplement or weight loss techniques for anyone else. I am only sharing how things are going for me. If you decide to take these products you may have a completely different experience.

I've been taking the supplements since Friday morning. Although the instructions said it might take up to 2 weeks for some people to feel any effect, I felt a difference within the 1st dose. And I'm also taking LESS than they say to take, because I wanted to start out slowly in case there is a plateau and I have to increase it.

I've been talking over how different I feel, and trying to put it into a comprehensible experience, but I am finding it difficult to find accurate wording. I hope what ends up on the page makes some sort of sense.

Before taking the supplement, I felt almost always on edge of losing control over what I ate. It was a very conscious situation of preoccupation. Monitoring how I felt, making sure I wasn't eating my emotions, keeping lists and desperately trying NOT to think about food but held hostage by it nonetheless.

Enter the supplements.

Step away from the edge. Breathe.

New thoughts...

Food? What's that?

Seriously....who cares about food? I'll go so far as to say the feeling is somewhat extreme, as in I almost miss that excitement I used to feel about food. But now I really couldn't be bothered. I couldn't care less. I'm eating just as much as before, but the fixation is gone. And there's no such thing as a craving so far. I realize it has only been 5 days. We'll see.

Day 2 of the supplements I sat in a Chili's restaurant, completely untempted by the endless free tortillas and salsa. I chose a salad with grilled chicken, even though I could smell the fries from everyone around me. And eating the salad felt 100% satisfying. I did not covet food I could not have. I didn't even think about it.

I don't know WHY it works.

I don't know if it will continue to work.

I'm just taking it one day at a time.

And the cleanse supplement? Happy to say there's no "I'm going to poo my pants right now" feeling. It is more of a need to pee. I am drinking a full 8 plus glasses of water.

With the lifting of this constant worry I had over food, my mind feels so much lighter, and I find myself enjoying conversations with coworkers and feeling optimistic that maybe, just maybe, I can reclaim the energy to get my healthy life back on track.

And....I've continued to follow thru on my goals for myself.

Introducing Tready, the Life Changer...

My new friend is used, but I don't care. I love him. He's great so far, getting my heart rate up while I watch TV.

Only drawback is he scares the hell out of the dogs.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Sephora Finds

My two favorite new finds. No, not a paid endorsement, just some genuine love.

The images link you to the product at Sephora.

Icelandic Relief Eye Pen
(Those Icelanders know what they're talking about.)
A Sephora cult-favorite eye cream in a convenient, portable pen

Skyn Iceland Icelandic Relief Eye Pen provides an on-the-go antidote for the damaging effects of chronic stress. This best-selling essential helps address all three major eye care concerns: puffiness, wrinkles, and dark circles. Skin is revived by a blend of soothing nutrients while optical diffusers brighten the entire eye area.

What it is formulated WITHOUT:
- Parabens
- Sulfates
- Synthetic Fragrances
- Synthetic Dyes
- Petro-Chemicals
- Phthalates
- Triclosan

Eyeshadow Primer Potion - Sin
(A little goes a long way. A lot makes you look like a disco queen.)
A best-selling eyeshadow primer potion in a shimmering champagne color.

Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion - Sin combines incredible staying power with a shimmering champagne hue that complements almost any eyeshadow. This two-in-one beauty miracle can be worn alone to give eyes just a hint of tint for when you're in a hurry or in need of that "no makeup" look.

It also makes a great highlighter: apply from lash line to crease and then apply your shadow on the lid only.

Sawyer Time

That is all.

you're like butter to me

Just a Lovable Party Girl

Just a Lovable Party Girl
Sagittarius is born to travel the world and move upwards and outwards. Naturally gregarious, they love the idea of meeting different people and understanding foreign cultures. There is also a desire to broaden the mind too, with the possibility of many Sagittarians being lifelong students. Their outlook is generally optimistic and there is a distinct lack of concern over the smaller, practical details. A great sense of humor and a lack of petty mindedness are Sagittarian qualities too. Sagittarius is open -- open-minded, open-hearted and generous, up to a point. They like to get value and will not be quite so impulsive with their cash but they do have a natural ability to get on with people from many varied walks of life. They have an innate sense of wanting to help others and give them a hand up the ladder and can be wonderful and exciting companions. Expect an honest answer when you ask a question and maybe some long philosophic discussions into the night. Jovial, optimistic, versatile, open-minded, philosophical, sincere, frank, visionary.