Losing Weight; Finding Men

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Life: Live It

morning weight: 254 lbs

OK, so, all in all....not too bad of a gain for 4 days of fun last weekend. That's life...it is meant to be lived.

The One Word Game
This is definitely a challenge to try -- You can only type One Word! Not as easy as you might think. change the answers to suit you and put it in your blog. It's really hard to only use one word answers. ONLY ONE WORD!

1. Where is your cell phone? TABLE
2. Where is your significant other? M.I.A.
3. Your hair color? BRUNETTE
4. Your mother? DYING
5. Your father? HELL
6. Your favorite thing? LAUGHTER
7. Your dream last night? SEX
8. Your dream/goal? LOVE
9. The room you're in? LAKE
10. Your hobby? DREAMING
11. Your fear? ALONE
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? TOGETHER
13. Where were you last night? HEAVEN
14. What you're not? DEPRESSED
15. Muffins? NO
16. One of your wish list items? LOVE
17. Where you grew up? DREAMLAND
18. The last thing you did? TALKED
19. What are you wearing? SHORTS
20. Your TV? ON
21. Your pets? ADORABLE
22.Your computer? ADDICTION
23. Your life? LONELY
24. Your mood? CALM
25. Missing someone? YES
26. Your car? RAV4
27. Something you're not wearing? BRA
28. Favorite store? SUNDAES
29. Your summer? UNBEARABLE
30. Love someone? ABSOLUTELY
31. Your favorite color? EMERALD
32. When is the last time you laughed? NOW
33. Last time you cried? SATURDAY

Monday, June 23, 2008

Face Time

Well, I'm not going to weigh until Friday this week. I usually weigh every day, I find it helps me. But with the monthly cycle from hell (If someone sees my intestinal tract laying around, could they kindly give it back to me? Thanks.) combined with the vast amount of carbs I ate this weekend (from an incredible four-course fondue meal to a bag of popcorn at a 2nd showing of SATC), and the extreme craving I have for salt (with 99% humidity outside), I'm pretty certain there's simply no need for me to get on the scale to know I'm going to be up a few pounds.

I can honestly say I had a blast this weekend. It was good to have someone to talk face to face with. And laughter is good for the soul. The Princess of Sweden was so gracious to take photos of me whenever I requested, in my efforts to come up with some suitable for a renewed effort of online dating. She also willingly fed my need for celeb gossip (Matthew I Can't Keep My Shirt On and Now I've offered a Reward for My Flip Flop McHoweverYouSpellItcoughney) and helped me curb my Crackberry addiction (If you don't have a Blackberry people, don't get one!).

However, seriously, or as Mr Gore would say, "Serial..." I'm not ready to face country line dancing with a blonde bombshell next to me. (That's a compliment, H.) Maybe after the next 50 lbs. And the photos reveal that I am probably not ready to date again yet either. The photos don't show what I feel I look like. Why is that?

And on a final note for the morning, I can't help but wonder (oh my god, Carrie!) why are all the really interesting men (in my opinion) at least a plane ride away? I've been chatting with a writer from the UK who is on a mini tour of Europe before embarking on a larger tour of the US. Is it because they're so removed from my day to day life that I find they're safe to be myself with? I can talk to them and never worry that they're not going to give me what I need, because they're not right here.

OK, time to go back to the salt mines....maybe I can just lick my way through work today!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Now I may come off sounding like an innocent idiot, but I think I have some interesting news about tequila ladies. Seems I may have been incorrect in thinking the agave juice was full of carbs. If you find otherwise, please do educate me.

Nutrition Facts
Serving Size: 1 oz
Amount per Serving
Calories 69
Calories from Fat 0
% Daily Value *
Total Fat 0g 0%
Saturated Fat 0g 0%
Sodium 0mg 0%
Total Carbohydrate 0g 0%
Dietary Fiber 0g 0%
Protein 0%
Est. Percent of Calories from:
Fat 0.0%
Carbs 0.0%
Protein 0.0%

So, all the calories come from alcohol content.

Where I got this information from:
The Daily Plate
Calorie King

Now, of course, alcohol will cause a person to dehydrate and retain water. This can be countered with water intake increase (and for extreme cases, diuretics, not that I am advocating that for anyone ever). But still, perhaps it is manageable to have some tequila and not gain a ton of poundage?

OK, if this theory proves correct, wow, I am going to get my party on! Mixed with a little pomegranate juice and it almost sounds like it could be healthy. LOL

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

One Year Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to me! It has been one year since I began to actively change my eating and exercise habits. I have accomplished a lot.

I've worn a bathing suit.
I've joined a gym.
I exercise in public.
I have given away 4 sizes of clothing.
I no longer eat entire meals consisting of starch.

June 16, 2007..........June 17, 2008

bicep: 17 inches...........bicep: 14 inches
neck: 15 1/2 inches........neck: 14 inches
bust: 52 inches............bust: 42 inches
waist: 51 inches...........waist: 44 inches
hips: 60 inches............hips: 54 inches
thigh: 30 inches...........thigh: 26 inches

weight: 297 lbs.............weight: 254 lbs

Total inches lost: 31.5

Total pounds lost: 43

Photos don't tell anything really.
And the scale only reveals part of the story.
The tape reveals the other part.
And don't forget how you feel.
Day to day, if you feel good, then you're doing well.

May 2008

June 2007

Sunday, June 15, 2008

All the Men I Want

Just me and my boys on a Sunday afternoon...

Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmmmm.

Who needs ice cream? Not me.
I've got my carb control yogurt smoothie club soda float.

Who needs popcorn? Not me.
I've got chicken marinating to grill after the game.

Who needs peanuts? Not me.
I've got a handful of walnuts to munch when I must.

Who needs a man? Not me.
I've got my boys and they're doing soooo well!

Go Sox!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Sending Out an SOS

"Sending out an SOS
Sending out an SOS
Sending out an SOS
To you"

Ah yes, thank you Sting, Andy, and Gordon for those um, eloquent...lyrics.

I think maybe an entire 4 people read this blog. Don't really know, don't really want to know actually. However, something has come to my attention that I want to share.

Perhaps I am still shaken by the news article I read about women forced to live in their cars, but my fellow blogger Kate is having a rough time of it in these troubling times. Please, show her some support.

Kate has also designed some fantastic t-shirts, which she sells. Check them out!


As for me, I'm sitting here eating my scrambled eggs and the thought just comes over me like a tidal wave:

This would taste so much better with bread.


Yes. It surely would. And the next thought, the very next thought:

Do you really think you could eat just one piece?

And the answer, even after one entire year of relearning and restricting?

Definitely not. I definitely could not eat just one piece of bread.

And THAT my friends is what separates me from some other people who feel as though weight loss is simply about exercise.

Ummmm. Not for me.

So um......

When you could eat an entire loaf of bread in one sitting, that is addictive behavior.

When you know without a doubt that you'd still rather eat a box of pasta than a breast of chicken, that is addictive behavior.

When you smell your co-worker's lunch in the microwave and know from 30 feet away that there is rice involved, that is addictive behavior.

Maybe I should write a "You might be a carb addict if...." Can someone get Jeff Foxworthy on the phone? I think his career is dead and last I saw he was hanging out with 5th graders.


Edited to add this note from Kate. I know that the blog comments don't show up unless someone clicks on the link and this seemed too important to me -- I want anyone who reads this entry to read her comments:

"Thank you so much for highlighting this plight. I'm glad I don't live in Santa Barbara, because I know how expensive housing is. When I left my husband, I lived in my car for 6 months until I could get a place in a shelter. Once I was in the shelter, I could get a job again and get an apartment.

What most people don't realize is that we're all only --->THIS<--- far from being there. An illness, a family emergency, a natural disaster, and any one of us can lose everything. I've been going through an especially hard time this month. Now I have subsidized housing, but I know in some cities families wait for YEARS for housing. Of course, I still had to pay deposits and pet deposit and all the rest, which is part of what made this month so difficult.

But I'll be honest: part of the reason I drive a van is because if this program ever was eliminated, we'd be living there.

One of the things I'll write about eventually (I've written about it on other blogs) is how the poor eat, and what food pantries and soup kitchens feed the poor. Your comment about bread brought that all back to me, because in many places the poor do live on bread and water (and in many cases, cake)

Carbs make me hungry, they don't fill me. I don't keep a lot of carbs in the house, but it's the first thing you get in the pantry, and used to be when you got food stamps they'd tell you to cut everything with bread or rice. Now when I went to the pantry yesterday I was allowed to chose my breads, and took all sourdough, which I can't stand and the kids love. That's my way of keeping carb free while eating poor.

So when my check DID come yesterday, I went out and got some whole wheat flatbread wraps, turkey, and Romaine lettuce... and the sandwich has all the carbs I eat."

Thursday, June 12, 2008

I Feel Good - Embrace That Moment

morning weight: 255 lbs

Hmmm. Well. So the downside of not wanting to eat is not wanting to eat. The upside is drinking whey protein shakes instead, and going down one more pound.

Hmmm. I might just manage to survive this summer after all.

Hmmm. I had cause to celebrate last night too. I won a very tricky situation at work. Basically, I stood up for myself and didn't let the worldwide conglomerate walk all over me (well, after waiting patiently for 6 months).

Anyway, situation resolved. Yay. And I had SUCH an urge to celebrate; it was quite a bummer to hang up the phone from my few "tell all" calls to friends to realize...

There is no one here to celebrate those sorts of things with me!

I take heart however. Warning, massive run-on sentence coming up.

Helena is coming next week, and because the idiot CSG (to coin Phat Teacher's phrase Cute Skinny Guy) I was supposed to meet up with has completely disappeared in his communication with me (bloody internet dating), the silver lining is that:

I will get to hang out with her instead of just having her here to watch my dog. Yes, I was looking forward to my own little "date in NYC," but I can shift gears just as easily.

Country line dancing anyone!?

And an encore viewing of SATC!

Fire up the grill. Do they make low-cal Tequila yet? Sammy Hagar, could you please get right on that!? I can't think of anything more important that you have to do!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The Good and the Bad

morning weight: 256lbs

The bad news is that it was 97 degrees on June 9 and I thought I was going to melt.

The good news is that it was so hot that the thought of eating made me feel ill.

The bad news is that the heat also makes me not want to exercise, even in AC settings.

The good news is that I went to the gym anyway, spurred on by (bad news) the fact that I had mini dot ice cream, a pretzel, and some french fries while at the Belmont Stakes this weekend.

The bad news is that I could only get up to 2.8 for an hour, and therefore I now think I might be stuck at this weight for the next 3 months. Even with the AC cranking in there, I still walked in with an elevated heart rate by about 20 bpm.

The good news is that I'm not where I was last year, 40 lbs heavier and full of worry and anguish over Sena's cancer.

The bad news is that lately I am having really bad thoughts again about her death. I cry every day for a few minutes. I really thought I was done with those thoughts and the daily tears.

Well, that's just part of the good and the bad I guess.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I Saved Myself Today

I did not have the forethought to take a photo, but I saved a baby owl today. And in doing so, the owl saved me or I saved myself.

I came across a man who had stopped his car, bless his heart! He was trying to help the owl but the man was so afraid of the beak and the talons. The poor sweet owl was on the street, unable to fly, just staring up with his big yellow eyes, like a helpless little muppet.

This is pretty much what he looked like:

The man gave me a shoe box and I helped the owl hop into the box with the aid of the New York Times. LOL He got on the phone with his wife who agreed to take the owl to their vet. I should have gotten their phone number or something; I am going to wonder forever about that owl. But my heart tells me, if you come across a man stopped in the middle of a street trying to save an owl, chances are he and his wife did the best thing they could for that creature.

So, I believe animals don't just randomly cross our paths without reason. So I looked up some information about owl totems. Very interesting.

"Throughout many cultures, the symbolic meaning of owl deals with:


Taking symbolism from the owl directly, it is noteworthy that it is a creature of the night. Nocturnal creatures are symbolic of inner-knowing, psychic ability, and intuition - so too is the owl.

If an owl has visited you, an incredible gift has been bestowed. Also, keep in mind that animals are only called to those who share the same energy. In other words, you hold within you some of the very same symbolic attributes the owl represents.

To illustrate, you may have abilities to know things that others do not know. It may be likely you have very strong intuitive abilities that can be fine-tuned. Further, you may be strong-willed person, and/or have a protective side to you.

These owl sightings may be messages for you to develop your education further. Or, the owl may be trying to tell you to develop your intuition further.

Owls also show themselves as a sign of warning (no, not of death). You simply need to pay close attention to people around you - owls are incredibly perceptive - you are probably perceptive too - use your powers of perception around new people you may meet. Not everyone is as nice, or “cool” as they seem to be." (Taken from Owl Symbolism)

I am going to believe it was Sena sending me a sign, not to give up on myself and not to give up protecting myself from those who wish me unwell or those who wish to take something from me for themselves. Including myself and the harm I do to myself with my negative thinking and eating.

60 Minutes on the Treadmill

My 60 minute mental breakdown on the treadmill:

minutes 1-10:
What am I doing here again? Oh yeah, right, let's get going.

minutes 10-20:
OK so here we are. La de f'in da. Is he looking at me? Did I wear the shirt with the hole in the armpit again? Damn, when am I going to remember to sew that? Ah well, air conditioning.

minutes 20-30:
Oh my god, I'm going to die, I can't take another step. Are my calves freezing up. I cannot have shin splints, I cannot! Maybe I should stop and stretch. No keep going.

minutes 30-40:
See, you paranoid freak. You're fine. You're in the zone now. Feels good. Sweat is gushing from everywhere. Good stuff.

minutes 40-50:
OK I've had enough, can I go home now?

minutes 50-60:
If I see this commercial one more time, I'm going to scream. Why do the minutes tick by slower when I watch the readout?

And about that fabulous new ab machine they've got on rental for people to try out?


Clearly designed with men in mind, it is a "game" of "grab and toss" with weighted balls, while you're laying down. Um....yeah. No?! I'm thinking N O. Maybe fun for some folks, but not for me. Not even going to attempt it. First of all, not going to lie down. Feel way too vulnerable. Secondly, not going to throw weighted balls the size of small basketballs between 7 and 20 lbs. With my luck I will pull something.

Here's a visual...

I'll stick to the regular ab machine, please. *gasp* I hope to god they don't get rid of it!

Monday, June 2, 2008

Food...always there

Don't even talk to me about the scale. I think I'm not going to get on it for a week. I will however, continue to exercise.

The worst thing for me right now is the simple fact that there is no one else in my life on a regular basis. Wait, friends, before you get upset, let me explain. There's no one to come home to or to touch base with every night or every morning or every afternoon to keep me "grounded" for lack of a better word. I have to be that for myself, and when I'm out of whack....well then, I'm out of whack.

But even if there was someone....there is no reasonable relationship that would allow the person to constantly be in support mode. That would be negative codependency.

But food....is always there. In this pampered country, in this middle-class life, in my singleton Bridget Jones, Carrie Bradshaw world, FOOD is always there. Available 24/7 even. When there is no one else, and my willpower breaks and my stress rises above my head, food is there.

And when the food is finished, the stress and the problems remain. Are they any easier to deal with? I don't know. But I know my stomach is comforted. :-( And then the self-hatred cycle begins.

Maybe I should give in to Lenny's persistent efforts to play grown-up romper room. At least then, I'd be hating myself AND having sex. :=|

WAH! Big and Carrie have ruined it for me!

Bachelorette is on tonight...oh boy! Time to exercise and laugh.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

SATC - The Movie

Gas to and from CT: $53
Seeing SATC with my dear friend Lisa: Priceless!

Thanks, it was so nice to be there with someone who knew why you'd be laughing and crying at the same time!

By the way, I got home and found the "flower of love" peonies had opened in the front yard. Hope springs eternal.

you're like butter to me

Just a Lovable Party Girl

Just a Lovable Party Girl
Sagittarius is born to travel the world and move upwards and outwards. Naturally gregarious, they love the idea of meeting different people and understanding foreign cultures. There is also a desire to broaden the mind too, with the possibility of many Sagittarians being lifelong students. Their outlook is generally optimistic and there is a distinct lack of concern over the smaller, practical details. A great sense of humor and a lack of petty mindedness are Sagittarian qualities too. Sagittarius is open -- open-minded, open-hearted and generous, up to a point. They like to get value and will not be quite so impulsive with their cash but they do have a natural ability to get on with people from many varied walks of life. They have an innate sense of wanting to help others and give them a hand up the ladder and can be wonderful and exciting companions. Expect an honest answer when you ask a question and maybe some long philosophic discussions into the night. Jovial, optimistic, versatile, open-minded, philosophical, sincere, frank, visionary.