morning weight: 262 lbsI'm OK with that...today.Tonight is my night off from the gym. And believe it or not, I'm a little bit disappointed. But I will enjoy the time otherwise. It is important to rest the body and nourish the soul.
I'm going to start recapping my weeks, looking back to see the facts so I can be proactive and have a better week ahead.
I feel great about my fitness achievements. Despite grappling with the "mind over matter" of what to eat/not to eat. I cannot deny the workout numbers are really something good.
During the last 6 days at the gym:
- 13.68 miles (That is more mileage than I expected it to be.)
- 3,544 cals (OK not so much but...essentially, this is the caloric equivalent of 1 lb so I can't be too upset.)
Yay for me. Seriously, I've made some great personal and private improvements in my life.
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What I don't feel great about (and what should probably be its own post) is my entangled situation with Mr Listener. I've pretty much tossed in the towel.
In hindsight, what a difference a few weeks makes. If you have the time to read, here's the extended 20/20 version. Otherwise, you can skip down to
"What Happened Last Night."I have:
- Offered support and advice when asked about what to do about certain situations involving time with his son or dealing with his difficult ex.
- Offered advice when asked about his furnace, his lawn, his driveway, his furniture, and his managerial role with his staff at work.
- Supported his initiative to begin working out, something he did not even think about changing before he met me. He's now considering joining my gym.
- Listened to and commiserated with his "knee problems, getting older, lack of motivation" conversations. I have shared what worked for me, helpful web sites for information, and heard what worked for him in the past.
Personally, I don't feel this is too much. I like to give; it comes easily to me. I'm willing to invest my time and energy into a relationship. I think that something or someone worth having in my life is worth the hard work. This all sounds to me the way a solid connection with someone should be, providing the connection is reciprocal.
However, in addition to his
"I'm just not attracted to your current body type..." admission, Mr Listener has expressed two other stumbling blocks with me:
- I am too sensitive, and thus, allow my emotions to get in the way of my rationality at times.
- I assume too many things about him or his reactions (apparently according to him, others have done this with him as well, because he's just so "atypical," that no one gets him.)
I accept the too sensitive issue, because I've been working on that already before I met him. But the 2nd "assumption" claim, really bristles me. I am gathering my reactions to how he is presenting himself; it can't ALL be me misunderstanding or making assumptions. I must be forming some conclusions based his actions or lack of actions. He does not seem willing to accept even this possibility, yet he claims he is extremely open-minded and flexible.
*taking a deep breath*
Phew.
Anyone still with me? That's a lot of bullshit to read. Sorry about that.
But I wrote all that to give this more meaning.....
What Happened Last NightSo, last night, after the Red Sox won an exciting game, I was so happy and so feeling good that I took Mr Listener's offer (pretty much a daily request of his) to "stop by" the restaurant. I decided that I would have a celebratory mug of tea and some good conversation. Unlike Friday night, I was not going expecting date-like attention, but I also knew Sundays are dead there and I would be able to have a conversation.
I walked in beaming. He said
"I guess they won?" I said
"Yes and I'm here to celebrate. Drinks on the house for everyone." Just a joke, there's no bar there.
Immediately he hands me what he has in his hands: An old issue of Ironman magazine. I tried to find the exact cover online, but couldn't. Here's one for effect:
I raised my brows. On this cover that I was staring at, there were two extremely hard-muscled, scantily-bikini-clad females locked in an embrace.
(And....what would YOU think at this point? He hasn't said a word yet.)
Trying not to "assume," nor be "too sensitive" and jump to the conclusion that he expects me to look like that some day, I inquire,
"Oh, what's this?""I'm looking through it for inspiration..."I double-blink, and I can't help but let out a little laugh.
"Really? Wow, I had no idea you wanted to become a bodybuilder."He takes it from me and flips thru it to a photo of a guy ripped beyond belief. I felt physically ill, and I think it showed on my face. He asked,
"What do you think of this?"I tried to be supportive, but all I could think of was yuck.
"I think that is rather extreme. I'm not sure I know anyone who looks like that. I'm not sure I would be attracted to that..."He looked shocked.
"Really? Why not?" Then he grinned,
"Well, at least now you know how it feels for me....you just can't help what you're attracted to and what you're not attracted to..."I stared at him. If I had the tea in my hands at the moment, I probably would have thrown it at him.
Fair enough, I thought. Touche. And suddenly it became so clear...at the risk of repeating myself...if he's just not that into me, then he's just not that into me. Long list of 20 qualities about me that he IS attracted to notwithstanding. Spending all his free time with me or on the phone with me notwithstanding.
So after the restaurant closed, I told him that I couldn't wait in this torturous limbo anymore and I had to move forward, even if he was taking the scenic "we'll see" route. I wasn't going to fawn over him and keep my libido revving up in anticipation that I fall into the right weight loss category for him. That IF he liked me more than a friend in the future, then he should let me know. Otherwise, I hoped he'd join me in being good friends.
And I would try my best to continue being a really good friend to him, but that I felt it was important that he realize not everything I say or do can be suspect to "making assumptions" or "being overly sensitive." That sometimes I'm reacting based on him. So he should be MORE sensitive to that. And then I said that I would consider dating others now. He said he understood and that no one knows what the future holds and that he would continue to care very much for me and that we should not hold back sharing as good friends do, but that he admitted he "couldn't be sure [he] wouldn't be jealous."
Hmmm. OK. Be jealous buddy. You're the only one stopping yourself from having more.
Meanwhile, I'm just going to keep moving forward rather than float around in limboworld. I hate limboworld, especially because it rhymes with bimboworld.
I'm no bimbo in limbo baby.
"NEXT!"
