I had a lousy Friday night. I'm trying to understand why. I am sure if I just think this through I can reach some conclusion. So I'm going to just ramble about things in chronological order and see what comes up.
Thursday night Mr Listener called and asked me 3 times if I was going to stop by the restaurant that night. I thought it was sweet and actually felt really nice that he wanted to see me for whatever reason. I wasn't planning on it, had my evening all sorted out, and really felt too tired and really couldn't spend much time if I did go. And it felt good to tell him no. So I had set in my mind that Friday night would be a better night to go hang out at the restaurant. I was actually looking forward to it. In my mind I think I set it up as a "mini date" which was probably my mistake.
Friday, everyone at work was exhausted and all anyone could talk about was the weekend and how they couldn't wait to enjoy it. Several people asked me what my plans were. I had none. What's wrong with not having plans?
And then, I got two new messages from two new guys at OKCupid. Mind you, I haven't checked my profile there since I started seeing Mr Listener; these two guys were the first contacts anyone has made in 6 weeks. I always do respond when someone sends me a message, even if it is to say thanks but no thanks. The last update I made to the profile was to remove "dating" and keep "new friends" as to the "I'm seeking" section. (By the way, Mr Listener never altered his profile to reflect any changes in his status. No big deal, nothing was committed in any way. Just a female/male behavior observation.)
So I wrote back to these guys. And they both seemed equally on the ball, able to hold a conversation, and somewhat local, within a few towns. And our conversations moved along all day via emails in which I said I was dating, but casually, blah blah blah. (Well, it is true! I just didn't want to date anyone but Mr Listener.) So everything was well-stated from the start. So, one of the guys asked me what I was doing Friday night and did I want to meet up for a drink. I said I already had plans but I might have time during the weekend. Again, felt nice to have someone interested, even if nothing comes from it, even if he hasn't met the ginormous body that's attached to the lovely photos, lovely face, and lovely words.
Meanwhile, Mr Listener was eager to see me, calling to ask when I would arrive at the restaurant and how he was looking forward to seeing me and we joked about rolling out the red carpet. I spent a lot of time getting ready, different outfits, hair, makeup, foregoing dinner at home to eat there, etc. Everything planned out. I left the house feeling good. Really.
But the moment I walked in, I remembered why I don't like to go there on Friday nights. It is way too busy and he only has short bursts of time to talk, which makes any real conversation stilted. Hey, it's his job, I get it. I am always prepared with a book or my laptop. I don't sit there expecting his attention. I'm not a diva, even though some friends say I should be, I'd get more attention that way. But I think in my heart, what I really wanted last night was a date. Full of flirting romantic conversation and looks.
But instead he was in a joking around mood, and I guess I was mostly tired. I felt that I wasn't smiling as much as I usually do, and I found myself staring off into the distance often. Even when he had a moment to sit down with me, I felt that I was alone. That's a lousy feeling. He commented that when I was tired my sense of humor turned off. I complimented him on the color of his shirt, how it matched his eyes, etc. He didn't mention my clothes, hair or anything. He did say that it was good to see me and he did thank me for coming down to spend my Friday night there with him.
But I ate. And ate. Bad choices that once they were on the table, I regretted. And I think I overate because I was trying to replace the fact that....he's just not attracted to me enough. I started looking around at the other guys, including the customers, gauging their cuteness, etc. to distract myself from how attracted I've become to Mr Listener. I buried my head in my book (Denis Leary's Why We Suck - freaking hilarious and an easy read in a loud place) and read passages out to Mr Listener when he had a moment. We did share some good laughs, but inside I wanted to cry.
I didn't stay until closing because I didn't want to face the moment when we'd be alone and I'd want to kiss. For the record, this week during a phone conversation, he said he still wants to kiss me very much but that he doesn't want to lead me on because we're not exactly "on the same page" in terms of our feelings.
When I left, I felt so incredibly "alone in the universe" again. I guess it isn't a healthy thing for me (physically or emotionally) to go hang out there, at least not when it is a busy night.
Maybe this is a good weekend to do some writing, or perhaps some production work on getting my collection of poetry ready for self publishing.
Of course my Soxy boys are on FOX and ESPN this weekend so I can see their Soxy selves in glorious 30-inch height instead of watching it on the 14-inch laptop. As long as I don't turn their games into eating marathons. Maybe I should watch part of today's national game while treading at the gym.
All I can say is I am close to the edge, I can see myself falling and failing. And I'm trying to hold on to the edge. I'm trying not to fall off. That's the best I can do at this moment.
Losing Weight; Finding Men
"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."