Yesterday was bad. I was just consumed with sorrow and loneliness, and then I tried to make myself feel better with food. I guess the only good thing is that I just can't eat a large quantity of food anymore, so after the shrimp appetizer and burger and fries, I wanted nothing more. That's a normal meal out, there wasn't even alcohol involved for crap's sake. But it is the fact that I purposely used food to try to make myself feel better that sticks in my head as a very wrong thing for me to do.
Two years since Sena died. Two years since I started this blog. Two years since I've gone "low carb." Two years since I decided I just wasn't going to be a fat woman the rest of my life.
June 16, 2007
bicep - 17 inches
neck - 15 1/2 inches
bust - 52 inches
waist - 51 inches
hips - 60 inches
thigh - 30 inches
July 10, 2009
bicep - 16 inches
neck - 15 inches
bust - 42 inches
waist - 46 inches
hips - 53 inches
thigh - 29 inches
24.5 inches lost overall in 2 years. Ho hum.
That's a nice amount of inches lost. It just isn't enough. It probably won't ever be enough.
Two years gone.
Two years older.
Two years of missed dates.
Two years of missed roller coasters.
Two years harder to lose weight due to age and body changes.
Two years of trying and failing mostly, with a little success here and there.
Here's a set of questions from Overeater's Anonymous about being a Compulsive Overeater (COE):
1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry? yes
2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason? no, I have a reason!
3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating? no
4. Do you give too much time and thought to food? maybe
5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone? no being alone is part of the problem.
6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time? no
7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone? no
8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life? yes
9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal? yes
10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating? yes
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish? yes
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime? no
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble? yes
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition? no
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy? yes
OA says if you answer yes to three or more of these questions, it is probable that you have or are well on your way to having a compulsive eating problem.
Guess that makes me a compulsive eater. Hmm. Maybe I should go to Overeater's Anonymous. I admitted long ago I was a carb addict. Maybe that isn't the whole of it. Maybe there's more. Maybe that is why every effort I make doesn't work. Maybe that is why all my hard exercise isn't helping. Maybe that is why the self-hypnosis and attempts to eat clean isn't helping.
But these 12 OA steps....um, they make me uncomfortable. They just don't seem to fit my way of thinking. What is it Dr Phil says? Maybe "my thinkin' is stinkin'?"
1. We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I don't know what the fuck to do.
Losing Weight; Finding Men
"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."