Yesterday was bad. I was just consumed with sorrow and loneliness, and then I tried to make myself feel better with food. I guess the only good thing is that I just can't eat a large quantity of food anymore, so after the shrimp appetizer and burger and fries, I wanted nothing more. That's a normal meal out, there wasn't even alcohol involved for crap's sake. But it is the fact that I purposely used food to try to make myself feel better that sticks in my head as a very wrong thing for me to do.
Two years since Sena died. Two years since I started this blog. Two years since I've gone "low carb." Two years since I decided I just wasn't going to be a fat woman the rest of my life.
June 16, 2007
bicep - 17 inches
neck - 15 1/2 inches
bust - 52 inches
waist - 51 inches
hips - 60 inches
thigh - 30 inches
July 10, 2009
bicep - 16 inches
neck - 15 inches
bust - 42 inches
waist - 46 inches
hips - 53 inches
thigh - 29 inches
24.5 inches lost overall in 2 years. Ho hum.
That's a nice amount of inches lost. It just isn't enough. It probably won't ever be enough.
Two years gone.
Two years older.
Two years of missed dates.
Two years of missed roller coasters.
Two years harder to lose weight due to age and body changes.
Two years of trying and failing mostly, with a little success here and there.
#$%^&*#@!
Here's a set of questions from Overeater's Anonymous about being a Compulsive Overeater (COE):
1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry? yes
2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason? no, I have a reason!
3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating? no
4. Do you give too much time and thought to food? maybe
5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone? no being alone is part of the problem.
6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time? no
7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone? no
8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life? yes
9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal? yes
10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating? yes
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish? yes
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime? no
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble? yes
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition? no
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy? yes
OA says if you answer yes to three or more of these questions, it is probable that you have or are well on your way to having a compulsive eating problem.
Ho hum.
7 yes.
7 no.
1 maybe.
#$%^&*#@!
Guess that makes me a compulsive eater. Hmm. Maybe I should go to Overeater's Anonymous. I admitted long ago I was a carb addict. Maybe that isn't the whole of it. Maybe there's more. Maybe that is why every effort I make doesn't work. Maybe that is why all my hard exercise isn't helping. Maybe that is why the self-hypnosis and attempts to eat clean isn't helping.
But these 12 OA steps....um, they make me uncomfortable. They just don't seem to fit my way of thinking. What is it Dr Phil says? Maybe "my thinkin' is stinkin'?"
1. We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I don't know what the fuck to do.
Just a Lovable Party Girl
Sagittarius is born to travel the world and move upwards and outwards. Naturally gregarious, they love the idea of meeting different people and understanding foreign cultures. There is also a desire to broaden the mind too, with the possibility of many Sagittarians being lifelong students. Their outlook is generally optimistic and there is a distinct lack of concern over the smaller, practical details. A great sense of humor and a lack of petty mindedness are Sagittarian qualities too. Sagittarius is open -- open-minded, open-hearted and generous, up to a point. They like to get value and will not be quite so impulsive with their cash but they do have a natural ability to get on with people from many varied walks of life. They have an innate sense of wanting to help others and give them a hand up the ladder and can be wonderful and exciting companions. Expect an honest answer when you ask a question and maybe some long philosophic discussions into the night. Jovial, optimistic, versatile, open-minded, philosophical, sincere, frank, visionary.
3 comments:
I went to OA when I used to live in a different town...a bigger one than I'm in now. It was very uncomfortable, but very helpful.
I don't like self-examination because I have to rip my guts out and stir them up and examine and re-examine things. I hate it. But, it's necessary.
Now I live in B.F.E. Everyone knows everyone else. There's a lot of gossip in small towns. Once school starts back up, Im going to try to find an OA meeting near where I work.
It really is a good program. The problem is that many of us really are powerless over food. "Secrets of a Former Fat Girl" is an awesome book and a quick read. It mentions that. I think it states, "you're not like other people," meaning for some reason we can't have "just one" muffin or "just one" chip.
I'm with you on this. It seems like you're doing everything right. Why isn't it working? There must be some secret trick we don't know about. How do we find out?
Well…I didn’t leave a comment on this post right away, as is my usual way with special posts. I always like to “think on it” a bit.
So here’s my take…
1.You miss Sena because she was such a special part of your life and no one (neither man nor beast) has even approached how much you and she connected. Sometimes we are so in tune emotionally with an animal that even when we get new babies, although we love them, they can never take the place of that one incredible spirit.
2.You have had A LOT of success in the past two years. Please don’t diminish that, because it is a F’ing FACT!
3.So much of why we eat is emotional that just saying we are “carb addicts” isn’t the whole picture. Go ahead…give OA a try! What do you have to lose? It’s not a cult…they are not going to kidnap you and brainwash you (lol)! It’s not for everyone so if you don’t like it, just don’t go back. But you’ll never know until you try.
4.So what if you’re not all the way to where you want to be… as Babe Ruth (a former Red Sox player I might add) once said…“It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up.” Just don’t quit…you will get there!
5. You are still young and have lots of time left for roller coaster rides, GOOD dates…and I truly believe this…somewhere out there is that one prince who is looking for you…you just have to let him find you.
Okay...I'm done.
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