Lottery Love?

I kicked it up a notch last night and found a new zone: level 11, random mode. When the treadmill rises up to 8.5 incline and I feel like I'm going to fall off, I just lightly touch (not grip) the front bar with my fingertips, steady myself, and pretend I'm on an amusement ride. I knew that my imagination would come in handy some day!

Friday February 27
Lifetime Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 72
Workout heart rate: 109 (low) to 144 (high)
Workout mode: Random, Level 11 at 2.8 mph
Calories: 615 Distance: 2.67 Time: 63.11

I love to look at the new numbers. Even if they're inaccurate, they're higher than the other inaccurate numbers from weeks past, so I know I'm making progress. I also did crunches until it hurt, slightly. I've been doing ab exercises but I haven't been feeling anything. So last night I did them until I felt something. That's important to me. Not pain, but feeling like oh yeah there are muscles there after all, go figure.

~

So you're all curious about toll booth guy. Let me tell you, at this point in time, it is a comedy all right. And that's good, because who the hell wants to keep crying?

No one won the megamillions, so it automagically rolls over to Tuesday night. Why does this matter? Well, because I handed him a lottery ticket yesterday morning, with my number taped to the back of it, which he's probably thrown away!

At the time, he'd just finished telling me about how tired he was (he works two jobs, one overnight) and I grabbed the ticket off my dashboard and handed it to him. He grabbed my hand with both of his hands, his eyes went wide like half dollars, and he said (in that way that people do when they're so excited) "OhmygodIloveyou..."

I laughed appropriately and said "Well, don't thank me yet but today could be your lucky day." To which he said, "If I win, I will definitely give you some." I smiled and nodded. And then this look of panic came over his face, and he said "Money, I mean...I will give you some money." Ahem, he was clearly thinking something more perverse, which is fine by me, he's a man, he should be thinking that way to some extent. So I just said, "It's all good..." because I couldn't think of a witty reply, smiled my dazzling smile with my sparkling green eyes and wished him a good weekend.

I saw him fold the ticket and put it in his front shirt pocket. He gave no indication he felt the sticky note with my number taped to the back.

If this is a movie script, you all know he's thrown it away without realizing...

I'll know when I see him, probably Tuesday.

Question is, dear blogger buddies, what do I do if he hasn't seen it (which would be indicated by him not addressing it by saying he's married or something or by his warmth toward me remaining the same)? Is there a plan B? I should just let it rest I think. What else would you say? I mean, I could buy another ticket for Tuesday night's drawing....currently at $201 mil.....

6 Hour Extreme Energy

Not a budge. OK.

Disclaimer: This is not a weight loss product, a weight loss claim, nor a paid product endorsement:

I LOVE THIS STUFF!

I don't drink coffee, and my entire life, caffeine has absolutely no effect on me. In fact, I used to think drinking a cup of tea helped put me to sleep.

I have an hour drive home from work. Most days, with the sun in my face, I am driving and struggling to keep my eyes open. I knew if there was a chance for me to "test" this energy boost, that was the time.

Wow. What an amazing effect. I loved it. I didn't feel cloudy or disconnected or high or anything like that. I didn't have a burning sensation in my throat. I didn't have a headache or any type of pressure buzz. All I felt was awake and alive and stimulated. I liked the way it tasted, like sweet koolaid with a kick.

Your mileage may vary, but the ingredients kick ass (although sucralose isn't something I know much about, hmmm).

I was able to go to the gym and totally dominate that treadmill and those weights.

~

So guess what I'm going to do this morning? I'm going to give my phone number to a toll booth guy I have been flirting with for a month. Our flirting has be fun. He'll buy me things (like gum), I'll buy him things (like handwarmers), and he'll tell me which lane he'll be in the next day.

It is a scene out of a romantic comedy! If nothing comes from it, I'll just consider it research for the book!

Ask yourself, what have you got to lose!?

Study Annoyance

An article about a study released from the Harvard School of Public Health has me so annoyed. I've linked to it so you can go read and be annoyed or be surprised or even be happy, but for me, I'm going to remain annoyed. Here's a quote from the article:

"It's not so important whether they eat higher carbohydrates or higher protein or lower carbohydrates or lower protein," he said. "What really matters is just plain, simple old quantity: how much people eat."

I haven't read the actual study results. I'm too annoyed at the moment. But I will.

I DO know that the more I exercise, the more I lose. I DO know that more calories burned than taken in result in weight loss. However, I know for a bloody fact that carbs do not help me. Before I go off on a tangent about how special and unique and addictive I am, let me just say that I WISH the study results WERE true for me! I WISH! But I know for a fact that if I were to eat even the government's recommended amount of carbohydrates per day, I would not lose a freaking ounce.

Cancel the special unique tangent. I'm so done for the day. I want to go back to bed and dream about all the cute new Red Sox players I saw on TV last night.

Next, Next, Next

Well, I had to tell Dog Advice Guy things last night that he should have already realized, but you know, sometimes we can't see the obvious in our own lives. I had to tell him that 1. there's no way he's emotionally ready for another relationship and 2. there's no way I'm ever getting involved with a "not yet divorced" man. He took it in stride, agreeing with me that at best he's capable of being a casual bang buddy. Of which I had to tell him, I can understand that, but that's not going to happen with me. And still he tried to kiss me. I know, I know, over the weekend I was lamenting that I didn't have exactly that, but this guy's hands are smaller than mine, I think his head fits in the palm of my hand for god's sake. You get the picture. Sex with him would not be worthwhile for me.

But, lest you think I'm unloved... *oh the laughter heard around the country is hilarious*

There's a bodyguard for the Knicks (hmmm, basketball players, not sure I like that scene at all) who speaks very little English who would like to go out with me. He speaks, of course.....Italian! See the tie-in? I'm thinking I could pick up a few words if I date him. Brings new meaning to Rosetta Stone, don't you think?

There's also a painter, residential and industrial not artistic (although I think knowing one's color palette is artistic), but he's "trying to quit smoking." We chat, but until he gets his habit under 10 cigs a day, I don't think I could meet him. I don't think he'd be able to spend an hour with me without smoking. And I can't even bear to think of a kiss with an ashtray. Blech. I told him this, he seems determined, says he's already down from a pack and a half a day. Yikes, how many cigs are in a pack? Well, I was the reason my ex-husband quit smoking, perhaps I can inspire this guy too.

And speaking of inspiration.....tonight is the FIRST spring training game! Hush, don't roll your eyes - there are few things left that entertain me anymore! I know Soxy Deb doesn't even think it is baseball season yet, but with the wonderful creation of MLB Network TV station, members of the Red Sox Nation living outside the NESN zone finally have a means of watching some games without paying extra for it! Tonight's game is on! WOO! Go Sox!

New shirt, new season. Bring it on!

Flower Power

Here's my "10 lbs lost in 2009" flower reward.



$40 of red tulips! Yay for me! Yay for fighting off the urge to spend the money on food.

Countless trips to the gym over 6 weeks produced 10 lbs lost.

That's what it takes. And that's what I'll do.

2.6.9.

Well, I met my goal, a week late. Hahaha. Gonna get me some flowers now.

Yes, there is something beautiful here. If I look closely, pay attention, and remember.

I am lonely as hell this weekend. The dogs have rabies shots today. Other than that, I'd love to just pack up the car and head somewhere, anywhere. Maybe I will hit the beach, but I don't know that Lo can do all that sand walking.

Now this is something really beautiful, isn't it? To see that 6 on there, next to my stubby toes, finally again. 100 pounds from now would be... My god, I haven't weighed that since high school. Best not to think about it, I am just focusing on getting to 200. That would be a dream come true. Determined to hang onto it this weekend. Will not be diving into carbs, will not, will not, will not.

However, I'm fairly convinced that if a man, probably any man, dares to speak to me and crosses my path this weekend, I just might have to devour him. It may not be what I need, but suddenly sex without a relationship seems to be just what I want at the moment.

I am woman, hear me roar.

If I wait a moment, it might change.

Another pound

Hurrah. Another pound. Closer to whereabouts I fell off the carb wagon last July. Damn baseball season. Or something like that. Gotta learn. Gotta not repeat the same mistakes.

I am one with myself. Which is how it should be.

Perhaps one more pound and I will get those flowers after all. Non-food rewards are good.

Hope this finds you all doing well.

Another Date

No flowers yet. Actually, I'm not sure I deserve them. The money was indeed for a combination of going to the gym and pounds lost, but I failed to meet my goal so I don't know.

I met "thank you for the dog advice" guy last night. At a diner, because when I said I didn't have a preference for where we ate, he said he wanted breakfast. Then we get there and I order a Belgian waffle, which I've craved for more than a week, and he orders a burger. Anyway. I had my carbs I didn't care!

It was much more of a date in his mind than it was in mine. And for good reason I think. He's not yet divorced and separated by several states from his two young boys. He has not even begun to put closure on a very emotional situation in his life. House is still in his name, she's threatening him with legal issues, he's threatening her with legal issues. Blah, blah, blah. That should be enough right? Well, the guy is really nice. And really into me, although I am quite sure just for some fun. But believe it or not, what I'm hung up on about isn't any of that.

I'm disturbed that the guy is like twice the size smaller than I am. And he's into me. I know, there are guys out there who "like a woman with some meat on her bones." Well, I could feed a small army with the meat on my bones and he could hide inside my carcass.

*sigh* He called after we parted last night, with a kiss, by the way, and asked if he could see me again tonight. When I asked him when and what are we doing, he was vague. I'm thinking he's expecting an invitation to my house. I mentioned the weather might be icy tonight and so he suggested we see how things are in the afternoon before making plans. I'm thinking I'll have to tell him tonight about my reservations.

There's no point in settling. But it sure would be nice to have a friend in Jersey, dammit.

Italy, My Feet are Itchy!

Good, good news. Taxes done. I do not owe. Despite the sheer ridiculousness of working in NY and living in NJ and getting fucked up the ass for it, I do not owe. Amazing shit. I tried to say I had three tax write-offs, I mean children, but when they asked for Duncan, Chad, and Lois' social security numbers, I had to give up the ruse. I told the tax preparer maybe I could pop out a kid before next March; she said maybe I should just buy some property instead. Um, that's not going to happen. It will feel like an albatross around my neck. You don't do that to Sagittarians.

So, I am going SOMEWHERE next September!!!! Princess of Sweden....your presence will be required in Jersey! It has to be that long because I want to lose more weight, I don't like summer weather, and I have to stay on a project that will end in August. I'm hoping for at least 10 days of travel.

I want the destination to be Italy I really do, the blood of my ancestors is calling me, but now I have to start scouring the earth to find a good yet worthwhile deal. I'm not able to spend A LOT of money and last year my funds barely got me 3 days in Bermuda. So realistically, my backup may have to be Ireland or somewhere stateside like St John's or the OuterBanks. So, we'll see what my research finds. Nudge, nudge to my sweet niece who said she'd help me with Italy...it is time!

You Can Dance

Well I don't know if it was the magic of NYC, the magic of ABBA music, or the magic of brunch with my sister, but I am down rather than up after this weekend. Logically, the end of T.o.M. must be part of the reason, but I'd like to think that smiling is a very good form of exercise because I did that a lot this weekend.

And in this tiny little restaurant in a small neighborhood (heck if I know what part of NYC we were in, west village I thought I heard my sister say), there my sister and I were crammed into this table near the windows, and I'm trying not to feel like a bull in a china shop. Suddenly she spots an actor coming into the place. I swear the woman has eagle eyes. I turn to see who she is looking at and instead I see John Kransinski! She was talking about Maya Rudolph, who came in with John and two other people, but I couldn't stop staring at Mr. Jim Halpert himself. He looked exactly the same, except just hiding under a baseball hat. I had no idea he was from Newton, Massachusetts. Well, if I ever see him again I know I can say "how 'bout those Red Sox?" It was rather nice that no one in the place bothered him, or even really recognized him. Nice Polish boy does good, my grandmother would be proud.

As for my first Broadway show, Mamma Mia! was a surprisingly hilarious production. And when the character you can most relate to on the stage is a middle-aged overweight woman with a wicked sense of humor and the balls to chase a man around a wedding scene singing "Take a Chance on Me," you just know you can't help but have a good time.

And thanks very much to the people who reached down into their recession-empty pockets to come up with more than $130 for our unconditional love fund drive to find a cure for IMHA.

Valerie and Max
Kymberlee and Angus
Betty (Gig) and Sisters 3
Pam
Lizzie and Frannie
Teresa & the FurKidz, KJ & Rain
Wanda and Hannah
D'Ann Lally and Bingo
Kathie, Remi, Ruger, and Ladysmith

So, how was your weekend? My valentine weekend turned out most delightfully, without the help of any men, thanks to my sis! I can see that the love you give out comes back to you in unexpected ways.

Now I just have to remember to get some discounted flowers (yay!) on my way home from getting the taxes done tonight. (Ugh.)

Unconditional Love

"As love becomes more and more unconditional,

it begins to be experienced as inner joy."
David R. Hawkins

Chad & Lo at Chad's birthday burger party!

It is Valentine's Day weekend, and I want to talk about something we've all heard of, and most of us have probably experienced (either giving or receiving it).

~ Unconditional Love ~

In the simplest terms, unconditional love means to love someone regardless of her or his actions or beliefs. A bit more in-depth, I believe conditional love is "earned" on the basis of conscious or unconscious conditions being met, whereas unconditional love is "given freely" to the loved one "no matter what." Conditional love requires some kind of finite exchange, whereas unconditional love is infinite and measureless.

You may have felt unconditional love from family, parents, children, friends, lovers. You are blessed. Take a moment to acknowledge them.

The greatest unconditional love I have ever personally felt is from dogs and cats and horses. If you feel animals don't have emotions then you're going to think I'm anthropomorphizing, but that's OK we're all entitled to our opinions. And the argument can exist that an animal will "love" anyone who feeds her/him, but I have seen an animal refuse food too many times to agree.

Today my life is full of love. Two dogs and a cat love me dearly and tell me every chance they get, many times a day in fact, that there is a great reason for living. And when I look back on my life, I see I have always been loved, even when I may have felt I wasn't. I had the love of animals!

___________

I want to give back a little bit of that unconditional love. All day today, February 14th and all day tomorrow, February 15th (until midnight PST), I am raising funds for my dear Dogster friend Mel and her sweet Belgian, Mica's IMHA research fund, where even $1.00 helps.

If you can join me in giving some love this weekend to those who have loved us unconditionally, I will add $5.00 to your donation pledge.

How? Just two easy steps, that you must follow:

1. Email me (....) with the title this blog post (hint: it is two words!).
2. Tell me you will pledge to donate to Mica's IMHA Research Fund.

In order to keep accurate track of the pledges, there can be no exceptions to the 2 rules above. But that's it!

I will send you an acknowledgment email that includes the address to send in your donation (which you can also get here).

And just to make it a little interesting...

• 10th email I get with a donation pledge, I will add $10.00 to it.
• 15th email I get with a donation pledge, I will add $15.00 to it.
• 20th email I get with a donation pledge, I will add $20.00 to it.
• And on and on....
  

In December, we helped raise $390. Let's see what we can do for love!

2006: Sweet Sena, Violet, and Duncan

Happy Birthday Chad

morning weight: xxx lbs
Valentine's Day goal: xxx lbs
In the Reward Jar: $43

This is the last Valentine's Day challenge post. I failed to achieve the goal. T.o.M. arrived and it is kicking my ass. And the blue feelings are lingering hard today, and it isn't just the lousy turn of events of my date this week. One year ago today I had that ridiculous but horrible accident where the front tire came off my truck, my beloved 4Runner that used too much gas but I loved. Anyway, not supposed to be looking back. But yeah.

But....it is Chad's birthday today. He really doesn't look like the 6'1, 95 lb giant he is here.

Happy birthday Chadster! Chadwick, Chadditix, Chadducus! You're 4 years old and you still act like a puppy! Thanks for being such a good caretaker of me, Sena taught you well. Who needs men!?

Right. Right. Still, guys keep asking me to meet. I have to try. With no friends in Jersey, I refuse to turn into a complete hermit. I guess some people might not be able to understand that.

I accepted an invitation to see Slumdog Millionaire with a local in-town guy who says he's just looking for friends and likes movies enough to discuss their award-winning worthiness. Good, I think. No pressure there.

And there's another guy who has been asking me for dog training advice who says he wants to buy me a cup of coffee for helping him out with his puppy. Hmm. On Saturday. Sure, why not. It's just another day to many people. And I'm OK with that.

Baseball season is underway! Well, OK, spring training. But still. I'm loving me some eye candy on the MLB network!

Good Enough To F---

Well, so much for R. The gentleman. I guess he's not a man after all, but just a horny toad.

I asked him to call me, and instead we had this IM conversation tonight:

R: I'll chat with you here for a few mins. I'm sorry I have was not in touch much today. I have to be honest here and say that I just didn't feel that much chemistry when we met.
girltrueheart: ok
R: It was nice getting to know you, though.
R: somehow it feels like there is more of a sexual chemistry than anything and I'm not sure if that is where it should be.
girltrueheart: well i would think that would take more time to find out but if you're not interested you can't fake it
R: I'm interested but more in a physical way, but I know that is not what we set out to find out here.
girltrueheart: right, your profile says you're looking for a relationship, just not one with me
R: perhaps. i'm not sure
girltrueheart: well i appreciate the honesty above all else
R: no reason to lie
girltrueheart: i'm an incredibly sensual person
R: i know, and so am i
girltrueheart: but it wouldn't last long if i couldn't have a friend as well
R: I think we would get along but not sure if there would be more than just sex and friendly company
girltrueheart: i'm not sure i know what you're saying
girltrueheart: what DO you want with me?
R: I want to have sex with you, I think you know that.
R: I don't want to just bang and go. I would be nice to find someone to hang around with before, during, and after.
R: Not sure how much before and after, though. See?
girltrueheart: yes i think i understand
R: You do?
girltrueheart: i wish that would be enough for me, but i know that after the first time i would want more. i'd want to have breakfast together, i would want to kiss you goodbye in public after breakfast...so probably, not a good idea if those things would make you uncomfortable
R: I know. That's what I thought.
R: That's why I thought about things today.
girltrueheart: there's a lot of women out there who'd love to be your bang girl i'm sure
R: Gotcha.
girltrueheart: and i'm looking for some level of intimacy that goes beyond that, i'd be craving a lot more
R: I know that.
girltrueheart: i told you pretty early on what i wanted, but i guess it took meeting me to be sure
R: Perhaps.
girltrueheart: well, good luck.
R: Well, I'm going to say goodnight. Sweet dreams. For what it's worth, I did enjoy getting to know about you.:)

Apparently, I'm good enough to bang but nothing more. That cracks me up. I guess I'm not going to find a guy who feels I'm worth having around until I've lost the weight. I'm sorry but how disgusting. You "feel chemistry enough to bang," but not to develop an intimate friendship?

Whatever.
NEXT.

And next better not be a plate of french fries.

A Real Man

You all are so sweet for wishing me well on my date.

Here's the song I woke up singing. Crank it!



"Lovin you's a man's job..."

That's right.

My first impression of R. Even though he's 35, I met a MAN last night. Not a boy. A MAN. He carries himself very confidently. With a truck even. He held doors open, he asked me what I wanted to eat, he ordered for the table. He was almost too respectful (my last love was like that which turned out to be "charming contractor talk" he used on his clients too when he had to explain why the job was going to take 3 more months to complete).

The respectfulness alone was so refreshing that I would have been thrilled with the evening. But then he was complimentary and attentive, asking MANY questions about me, my job, my life, my dogs, movies I'd seen, things I'd written in my profile, TV shows I liked....I was so astonished that I don't even remember eating. Amen to food not being the MAIN attraction!

We shared two plates, pad thai and chicken something with chili paste. I am sure the food was delicious, but I don't really recall it. And that my friends, is a GOOD thing. Way too many times in my life, the food has been the star of the event. This is healthy.

Within 15 minutes of a sweet single kiss goodbye, he texted me to see if I'd found the highway OK. When I texted back that I had and I was almost home, he replied with "So, what are we doing this weekend?" I tried so hard to play it cool, texting back "I'm sure we'll think of something!" but inside I was doing backflips the whole ride home.

Here's my realistic side shouting at me from the sidelines, just because it can: His mother is currently (temporarily?) living with him. I don't know the circumstances. In these economic times, I can see many legitimate reasons. At least it is his house and he's not living in the house he grew up in. Well, for god's sake I don't have to marry the guy. I just want to date him at this point!

Happy Wednesday!

Tueday Dinner Date

morning weight: xxx lbs
Valentine's Day goal: xxx lbs
In the Reward Jar: $42

Who needs the cheesy canned Bachelor show when you have my dating life to watch instead? Honestly, I had to the change the channel at the gym when I saw the horsefaced girls he's chosen. Come on! Sorry, I'm just an indigo truthseeker.

So yesterday, you know, my sucky Monday? Well...boom, just like that, it didn't suck so much. Because I have a dinner date! Tonight! A Tuesday night dinner date! With the flirty guy just back from vacation. R, who needs a nickname. Perhaps he'll be Rawwwr after I meet him.

And I quote, last night, he said: "I want to meet you as soon as possible, because I can't stop thinking about you, and if we meet this week, then we can do something fun this weekend."

There was such a long pause on the phone, he thought we'd gotten disconnected. I'm sorry, a guy who plans ahead?

*blink* They exist?

That's almost as awesome to hear as Billy Crystal in WHMS saying, "When you meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Taking a deep breath.
Taking the man at his word.
I will meet him.
Thai food.
Tonight.
Yay.

*panic*

I will not eat the entire plate of pad thai!
I will not eat the entire plate of pad thai!
I will not eat the entire plate of pad thai!


Ohhh....PS for my sweet niece (and anyone else who admits to being a reality show junkie), have you seen this show on MTV called The City? Those girls are so pretty and they remind me of my niece and they were even at the Gansesvoort Hotel in the episode last night. That was enough to bowl your old auntie right off the treadmill!

Mondays Suck

morning weight: xxx lbs
Valentine's Day goal: xxx lbs
In the Reward Jar: $41

Well, I don't know why I'm up a pound, but I am. I will blame it on PMS although it is doubtful ToM will actually show up this week as it should.

Our VIP guest Lo is now a permanent member of our house. Guess I should tell my mother? Lo is actually driving me a bit crazy as she's having a severe allergic reaction to something that I cannot determine what it is and I am waiting on vet records to get her an appointment. Which is like waiting for molasses to drip. I'd rather not have to pay for things she's already had done, but if this morning's desperate scratching is any indication, I may not be able to wait much longer. The oatmeal bath gave her only temporary relief. And the benadryl is no longer having an effect.

I am behind in my work deadlines. This is not a good thing. But I swear to myself that I will not give up the gym to get work done. Maybe that sounds foolish in these times when I need to be thankful I have a job, but this company sucks the life out of everyone I know there. It isn't just me. We're not machines. We're human beings, and we deserve to be able to have our weekends to ourselves. I could see if the company was floundering. But it isn't. It is thriving. Especially as we worked most weekends all summer and fall and the company came out ahead as a result. Sorry but, damn I need a break. They can suck it.

Game Face On

I was looking back and saw my one year gym-versary has passed. Interestingly I weigh a few pounds more than I did last February. Sigh. Ah well, now is now. And then was then.

I have challenged myself to up the ante with my workouts. Thanks to some fantastic advice from my dear friend studying to be a trainer (not the flake!), I have adjusted my time with the treadmill and the weights. The scary thing is, it feels good and it feels right.

I've been flirting with a guy online for about a week. He's been away in New Mexico on vacation, so really not a typical glimpse of who he might be, but so far, he's really nice and flirty. He's back at work this week so we'll see if he finds the time to meet. He doesn't seem at all concerned about the weekend coming up as Valentine's Day.

Today I saw He's Just Not That Into You (funny new intro about Chick Flick cliches from the guys in the movie to the guys that might go see the movie; probably only girls will watch the clip) and I'm glad for the reminder that "If a guy is interested in you, he will call." After waiting more than a year for it to come out, it was a little disappointing. Still funny, but not as much as I was hoping for.

Of course, I also felt like if things are that tough for thin women, how is it that I am even hoping to find someone? Someone once mentioned to me that "Maybe not all that is wrong with me has to be due to my weight." *snort* OK yeah. Let's go with that. Want to trade bodies? No, I didn't think so.

Your Mission...

My Mission is...Self Improvement.

In honor of He's Just Not That Into You opening today, I'm offering up my OKC dating profile for your careful analysis.

Your Mission, should you choose to accept it, is to read, analyze, rewrite, and/or critique my online OKC profile. Of course, praise is good too, I'll take praise. LOL Serious and humorous responses will be appreciated and perhaps even shared and implemented. Show your Mom, show your sister, show your best blogger buddy who doesn't know me, show your best friend, show your gay guy friend, show your brother!

In light of PT guy's last and final crisis excuse (oh yes, there was another one) that he can't meet (and I never expected him to meet), it seems clear that he's just not that into me, regardless of what he says. He has a busy life with many priorities in front of meeting someone. That's fine. That's his choice. My choice is to keep on looking while he figures out how to start the boat.

Harry Potter (remember him?) told me "Your profile is almost too good...it is somewhat off-putting for guys who might think they can't possibly measure up." I find that hard to believe. I feel that if my profile weeds out the weaker links, then it is doing a job well done. Besides he was "just trying me on for size," anyway. Yeah, gotta love those words, literally. So much for a Springsteen fan being a match.

Anyway, so here are the thumbnails of my profile, as well as the photos I have up (I'm allowed 10 and I can choose an order for them to be displayed). You can email (donnamariagray at gmail dot com) your comments or write your comments here. There's no deadline for this, but I was already planning to rework it after V-Day.

Note: I made the tone of my profile humorous because I read a lot of research that indicated men like a woman with a witty sense of humor.

Caption: Springsteen fans, where are you?


Caption: I support Make It Right, rebuilding the 9th Ward.


Caption: I'm serious but fun, and I'm just a little bit wild at heart.


Caption: National Winter Static Alert, Call Jack Bauer


Caption: Do I look 39 yet?


Caption: Christmas is over but I don't want to put away the Santa Hat.


Yes, Red Sox fan in Yankee Stadium. I love the game, do you?





Caption: I love jeans but I clean up nicely if you're taking me somewhere special.

Heart-pounding Moments

No scale change, I'm cool with that. I might have to skip the gym tonight to get our VIP guest some serious relief from her itchies (READ: oatmeal bath), so that'll be all the energy I'll be able to spare.

But, I've become fascinated with the heart rate. Anyone got any light to shed on the matter? All these projected scales make me laugh. What happens if your heart rate is elevated to begin with? What if your blood pressure comes in at 130 or 135? That's the top number of your heart rate. So then that throws off any "projected target range" right?

I took this shot of the treadmill last night.



I stare at this thing every night and I think OK well, I'm within that range for my age but what the hell does it mean? What's the difference between fat burning and cardio? Isn't that what happens when you are cardio-focused, uh you burn fat?

Beth, I know you're out there ed-jura-m-cating yourself and me as well. I'm just sooooo preplexed. Then I make myself feel better by thinking "You're 100% more active now than you've ever been in your life." That's a good enough change for now!



I have to tell you, my high heart rate according to the treadmill readout is sometimes 150-155. Apparently that is "anaerobic" for me....what does that mean? Guess I have to read more.

Coming soon: Something entirely more interesting and dating-related. Come back soon campers.

Self Recognition

morning weight: xx lbs
Valentine's Day goal: xxx lbs
In the Reward Jar: $37

In the last 12 days, I've allegedly (in case the machine rates are inaccurate):

• walked 13.2 miles on the treadmill
• burned 2761 calories on the treadmill
• spent 270.59 minutes (or 4.5 straight days) on the treadmill

This doesn't account for the weights.

In the last 30 days, I've lost (according to my constantly calibrated scale) 8 lbs. I should be damn proud of that. I still have a week to lose another 2 lbs before Valentine's Day, but if it doesn't happen, I still know I've struggled every single day to give my best. No excuses, just facing my own challenges head on. Knowing there will be stumbles and just getting back up to keep going. I like the way the loss looks on the Daily Plate graph:

I caught part of the Biggest Losers show and I felt for those contestants who had to work at home for 30 days. One woman cried because she'd "only" lost 12 lbs on her own in 30 days. Holy crap woman, get a grip on reality! Turns out she was the 2nd or 3rd who'd lost the most on their own. I really really hate that show. I know it motivates most people but it demotivates me. I went through my gym workout wishing I had all day and night to dedicate myself. I do not nor will I ever have that ability to dedicate that much time to losing weight. Yet my efforts are no less dramatic. And then there's the whole factor of people struggling to lose weight for the entertainment of the masses. Sorry but that's disgusting. Need to relive any painful memories of struggling through gym classes in elementary or junior high school to the laughter and amusement of those around me? Um no thanks. If you make a reality show, people will watch it.

Before I turned the channel, at least I heard the trainers' acknowledge two things that have always frustrated me: 1. The volume weight lost per week at the ranch is not typical nor to be expected of someone working on their own while having a life other than training 24/7, and 2. Saying you've built muscle even if you haven't lost pounds is a bullshit line that trainers often feed their clients.

There should be no shame in "only" losing 8 lbs in 30 days. No shame at all. I should be celebrating.

So why do I feel I've not accomplished enough? Very frustrating feeling. I am making progress. I need to remind myself of this. Can someone hit me over the head please? Thank you.

Wait a Moment, It'll Change

morning weight: lbs

Valentine's Day goal: lbs

Well by some freakish miracle, I am down 3 lbs today. Maybe I should thank the carbs on Sunday going through me like a freight train. Maybe I should thank the wonders of Smooth Move Chocolate tea. (Not something to abuse, but really has helped my tummy the 3 times I've used it in the last year. Ingredients.) We'll see if it is a sustained loss that can stick.

I tried again last night to see if I could change up my cardio by using the elliptical. Yeah, no one can say I haven't tried. Oh.my.freaking.god how do you people do it? Less than 5 minutes and my knees were screaming mad at me. The rest of me was ok but my knees said no flippin way sister, not while you're carrying as much weight as you are. We are stuck, quite happily so, with the treadmill I'm afraid. I have come to love the treadmill.

11 days left until Valentine's *hurl* Day. $35 in the day-after flower jar. I've heard that Red Sox spring training actually starts on the 12th, not the 14th. I'm perplexed but oh well. No one is really following the challenge anymore anyway. Deb's reached her 10 lb goal, Carolina's working hard like me to see even a small change. I guess what we've learned from this challenge is that we keep trying no matter what.

Scored some righteous seats to see Bruce yesterday. I am rejuvenated at the thought of seeing the minister of rock and roll yet again. He's my kind of sunshine. And I honestly did not expect the aging band to tour again so soon but I'm not complaining! We're all nned to live like we're dyin'!

Yes, I have heard from PT guy. No plans to meet. But let's remember that I had hoped to get something out of him being a trainer. I still wonder if that's possible. I don't know. There is another interesting guy surfacing at the email stage right now. That's life, wait a moment and it all changes, right?

My Sagittarius scope today: "If you can be more flexible, you can be more powerful. Bend and be mellow."

That is hilarious. If I bent anymore, I'd be a broken reed. Oohhhmmmmm, I shall meditate on it.

Learning

morning weight: xxx lbs

Valentine's Day goal: xxx lbs

Ha ha ha. Good one!

After carb-loading myself yesterday, my body let me know in no uncertain terms how it felt about it. Good to know actually. Heartburn and upset tummy go a loooong way in retraining the broken software of my emotionally-wired brain functions.

Reluctant to leave my VIP guest Lo-Lo for work, but it must be done. The sooner I get there and sit through pointless meetings, the sooner I can get home and feel the welcoming unconditional love and affection of two sweet dogs and one incredibly sweet and tolerant cat.

Yep, the more I know people, the more I prefer the company of animals.

True to Self

I saw The Wrestler. I really love independent movie-making. Don't get me wrong, I love my Hollywood endings too. If SATC didn't have a Hollywood ending, I would have felt completely swindled. But I love a raw, one camera angle film that exposes the harsh realities people face. I can't really think of an example at the moment as I'm rushing this. But that's exactly what this film is. There's not a single piece of Hollywood in this movie, the closest is probably Marsi Tomei but honestly, they dirtied her up pretty well. If you're expecting pretty, sexy, or something fluffy, skip it. This is raw and honest. And I loved it. I cry easily, but I shed some tears at two points. I don't have anything to gauge Mickey Rourke's performance against, but I can say that I didn't think I was watching a movie, I thought I was watching a documentary about someone. So to me, he did well, I believed he was that guy. I can see why Bruce got behind the film with the donation of the song. It was about the struggle of how hard a life can be, and how you have to stay true to yourself, no matter what. And that even when you're true to yourself, the outcome may not be the best.

And....that's as good a segue as any....

Believe me, almost everyone has told me that PT guy is a flake. Some even said, he's a PT - of course he's a flake. I'm not going to take that stance. I'm going to stay open-minded and objective when I meet him today at 2 pm. Yes, today. At 2 pm. No ifs ands or buts. We spoke on the phone last night and he was so genuine and sincere and interested in meeting me that he didn't want to wait another week. So I moved up a notch in being more important than pre-game superbowl at least. And I do, from the bottom of my heart, appreciate you all sticking by me and making sure I don't lose my head. But oh, did I mention I did? Lose my head a little bit? Just a bit. When I saw him on web cam. Yeah. Mega cutie. Gulp.

As I was about to post this....The flake canceled. His brother needs him before the game. THEN WHY DID YOU MAKE THE PLAN WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE IDIOT? He had a few beers. He doesn't get it. He thinks he can just "make it up to me." Sigh. Strike 3 buddy. Strike 3. How many strikes did Carrie give Big?

The Lake House of Love

We have a VIP guest here at the house. Her name is Lois, which is funny because last year I named my new car Lola, and now I want to call Lois Lo-Lo. Something about Ls....perhaps to establish that there is something to associate with that letter besides the pain of my last L, Lenny.



Thanks to my niece for forwarding yet another of the countless animal shelter emails I get, I came across this Belgian girl in need. She's from a sanctuary that had to close due to financial problems. She's actually not a shelter dog, but the dog of one of the owners who died. She's here for two weeks. We're all adjusting, taking it in stride pretty well actually. Chad is being extremely well-behaved. And I am having lots of Reiki beamed into the house. I'm going to have to do something about her severely matted coat but I can't take her to a groomer just yet.

She's really a mush, love muffin type who wants to be a lap dog. She's not sharp-toned alpha bitch like my Sena was, which is good. I need her to not be like Sena. No other soul can be like Sena was anyway, but personality differences will help me adjust if this becomes a permanent thing.

Anyway, I'm determined to send love out to the world, no matter what. That's one of the reasons I'm here on this earth. So, love and peace everybody.

Varitek

I have so much to blog...and none of the topics have anything to do with each other except that they're all about me. Writer's dilemma, several posts or one giant one? I'm going to go with several posts in chronological order, and I know you'll just read through them backwards. Oh well, you'll just have to deal. I'm sorry!

_____________________________

"O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up--for you the flag is flung for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribboned wreaths for you the shores a-crowding,
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!"
-Walt Whitman



"Jason Varitek has played in 1,330 games in his career, compiling a .263 average with 161 homers and 654 RBIs. He was a Gold Glove winner in 2005 and has been an All-Star three times. He has caught more games (1,274) than any player in Red Sox history, influencing countless pitchers along the way. In fact, he is the only catcher in Major League history to be on the receiving end of four no-hitters. He's been with the Red Sox for 12 years."



Tek remains our Red Sox catcher and Captain for at least one more year. Much disgruntlement seems present among the parties involved, but I know as much as he may have a bruised ego he has a heart and soul for the game of baseball. And for the pisshead fans who got it in their heads that he's dead weight and needs to ship out: If those stats above don't impress you, then you have no passion for the game. Go fuck yourselves. After all, this man didn't just bruise his elbow, making a dedicated play one year I'll never forget, he shattered it.



Anyway. Soxy Deb and I are breathing easier now, aren't we? Ya-hoooo. Bring on the season! It is one of the only good things about summer!