BuhBye 2008

morning weight: 10 lbs more than last January

No excuses. There it is. When I take stock of the last year, I have simply not loved myself more than I have loved the comfort of food. And I have not found a friend to replace the food. And I have not become my own friend.

heavy blue sigh

Oh well. I will try not to beat myself up too much because it does no good. As shown by a friend who works out 6 days a week, exercise is SO important. Such a key element to feeling good and looking good. She knows it, I know it. She does it. I have to do it. Where should I be tonight when the clock strikes midnight? I should be at the gym. Will I be there? No. Will I go tomorrow? Maybe. What is wrong with my lazy ass? I'm going to be alone forever, there is really no support except myself. Here, in this room I meant. Not here, in this virtual space. I know you're all there for me. But I'm the only one in my head (I think...).

I've been writing, trying to flesh out the plotline of my novel. That's positive.

I signed up for a self-publishing account at Createspace. That's positive.

I'm thinking of my poetry in terms of a collection rather than "oh those things from that year and those things from that timeframe." That's positive.

I have 6 books lined up to read. Haven't done that in a while, due to work being so difficult on my eyes. I used to read constantly. Makes me a better writer. Will get back to it. That's positive.

I have to give the hunt for a man a rest. I'm talking about the actual prowl, not if they show me interest - that's a different story. Mr Harry Potter wants to be uber casual so yeah, whatever. He's a strange bird by his own omission, preferring to be alone on NYE. This is me not caring. I always thought when I was smoking hot they'd be knocking down my door. That's....delusional, but hey that's me, the child of an alcoholic family, we hide in our delusions.

Morning snowfall is exceptionally beautiful here on the lake. We're only going to get about 2 inches whereas my luckyduck friends and family to the north are going to get up to a foot of snow. Of course, most of them hate it. It halts life as they know it. That's part of what I love about it, the fact that you can't control something. The freedom that comes from giving up that control. Ahhhhh bliss.

I don't even know what I did last year for NYE. And I don't think it'll be much different this year.

I leave 2008 behind with a gorgeous sunset, one of the lingering reminders that this will probably be my last winter here in this rental.







(Yes, it does look like space invaders. I'm waiting for the mother ship.)

Best Laid Plans

"The best laid plans
of mice and men
Often go awry"
-Robert Burns

Yes, thank you Scottish ancestor Robert Burns. You've got that quite right. And Steinbeck further embodied that statement in the book Of Mice and Men.

The plan was quite simplistic:
Curl up on sofa with Twilight and disappear into the fog that is so thick here I cannot see the backyard.

Instead, I paid out several thousand dollars in bills ( just the long overdue monthlies, plus the back taxes from Massachusetts I didn't know I had, oh and let's not forget that rent is due next week), waited for the refill of the oil tank since I ran it dry - bone dry (yes, I can't remember everything and yes, dammit it would be nice to have a guy around) and had no heat (therefore curling on sofa was not really possible anyway), and replied to all sorts of emails from friends and relatives (thank goddess for electricity).

I just wanted to slip away. Like they say in the story, "for a long winter's nap..."

But before I make another attempt to unplug for 24 hours, I have to admit I've been holding out on my blogger buddies. No, I can't claim I've secretly lost 50 lbs. Oh how I wish. In this moment I do pause to reflect that I'm writing this blog for me and you're all just along to witness at your own will, but no, I did not willing withhold information. I just ran into the realm of OVERWHELMEDVILLE.

Anyway, is that enough anti-climatic build-up? If not, you could come back and read the rest of the post tomorrow.

What, you don't like that option? OK.

I met two guys last weekend, on two "meet and greet" dates. Thank you OKCupid.com!

One of these fellows is not yet divorced and therefore in my standards (they're low but I DO have SOME), not yet datable. But he was quite nice and quite into music and should he wish to be friends, I shall grant him that wish. I am not sure he wants to be friends however, he seemed quite surprised at my size. Guys could pay more attention to photos.

However, the other one, is extremely single. And a Springsteen fan. And he was, and remains, quite into me.

*cue up the guitar*
"Oh baby, trammmmmmmmps like us..."
*ahem*

Oddly enough we work for the same company, different site locations. Bizarre. And probably somewhere in Ze Zerman protocol, ztrictly.againzt.ze.rulez. Oh I feel so naughty. So, yes, he's 30 and my dear, sometimes-logical-quite-entrenched-in-a-meaningful-relationship, counterpart Sweden, didn't even draw a full breath of air before she immediately dubbed him "Harry Potter" for his resemblance. Really, I think it is just the glasses...but I was equally appalled and amused in agreement.

Am I old enough to be a cougar yet? Does he have to be younger than 30? Inquiring minds need to know; I need a cougar mentor! What are the rules? Anyone? Anyone?

Oh god if the day comes that I cannot laugh, surely that will mean the end of me!

So, here, in case you're not already laughing at my situation, let me help you. What are you waiting for? Without further ado, some comic relief, sung to the tune of Angel, by Juice Newton:

"Just call me Cougar, in the morning (baby)
Just kiss my wrinkles before you leave me (darlin)
I'll leave you claw marks
on your back, my baby
Then you'll slowly turn away
And I won't beg you to stay...."

Well, I'm not sure which is more enlightening or perhaps, depending on your angle, devastating:

I've become a cougar.
I'm boffing Harry Potter.
I'm a cougar who is boffing Harry Potter.
I'm a Harry Potter-boffing cougar.

*purr*




Considering I never ever EVER liked Harry Potter, you can imagine my surprise.

Happy Holiday Wishes

If you can't have a hot holiday,
hopefully you can drink enough
to pretend it is!

All I can say...

All I can say is....this year....the stress is bad.



More when I have a moment to breathe.

Winter Solstice

Santa Dog Bailout

Happy Holidays Everyone!

A montage of photos for a short story,
starring my boys, Chatham & Duncan:

My Non-Food Reward

William Bradley Pitt....Happy Birthday!

I don't judge.
Above all I wish you joy in those babies you wanted so much.
As you once said, I hope you find "moments of happiness" that come at random.
I wish one of those moments was with me in bed.
I wish for you an Oscar nom for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
I wish you and Jen lasted forever, even though nothing lasts forever.
I'm helping you rebuild the 9th Ward.
Mmmm, the rest of my thoughts aren't suitable for public.



I survived giving my first performance reviews as a manager today. My stomach was in knots and queasy all over the place. I had to give some bad news. It was the worst moment of my career. No one lost their job or anything horrible like that, but I was so out of my comfort zone. I hope I never have to say "You're fired" to someone. I think I would collapse.

So, my reward? Buying the SATC movie! Coming home and watching it with a hot cup of tea (and a shot of whiskey in it). Then because I don't have to work tomorrow (YAY) and all the shows tonight are repeats (BOO), I will put in Legends of the Fall. NO food reward. This is a BIG ACHIEVEMENT. Bad enough I am succumbing to some alcohol calories. Baby steps!

Big storm coming in....seems like Jersey will get ice while the rest of the northeast will get some awesome snow. I have never wanted to drive north and strand myself in Massachusetts more so than I want to do right now. Resisting the urge. Resisting.

Yay for Snow

We got a little bit of snow here in Northern Jersey...it'll be gone by tonight because of the rain, but I feel like a kid for a few hours at least. Yay for snow! It is so so so cleansing.

I haven't had a tree since I last lived with someone. I love the smell, but I find it reminds me of the lonely aspects too much. So I just decorate my windows. Here are my snowpeople and the heart ornament I got for my birthday many years ago.



And of course the 5 nutcrackers keeping watch...



And here is the dove ornament that I put up when the military first went to war in Afghanistan. It is up 365/24/7. I said I wouldn't take it down until they were all back home. I knew it would be awhile, but I never thought it would travel to 3 rentals over so many years. It seems perhaps it will have to remain up forever, but I do wish we could bring'em home.



I am not a mindless patriotic flag-waver, but a patriot who questions her government while remaining an optimistic fool, hoping for a more peaceful new year around the world.



Did anyone send a card to Walter Reed?

A Recovering American Soldier
c/o Walter Reed Army Medical Center
6900 Georgia Avenue,NW
Washington,D.C. 20307-5001

Fabulous Laughter

So I slept the entire evening and night away and now I'm awake at 1 am. And you'll all have to suffer the consequences. I can still barely swallow, but I've gotten some room temperature soup and tea down. Hey Deb, is this a great new weight loss plan or what!? Not sure I'm ever going to hum the bobo again. What will I do with myself?

This came across my inbox and I have to admit, it is hilarious! I had tears of laughter. It wouldn't let me embed into the page here, but just right-click on the link and open in a new window. Hope it brings you a belly laugh:

Beware of the Doghouse

_____________


So I won a Fabulous Award for being "deliciously twisted" (QUITE a compliment!), thanks muchly to Carolyn!

1. Please put the logo in your blog



Ta-da!

2. Place a link from the person, from whom you received the award.

How about three links?
I love that she lives where SNOW is a main element. Carolyn's Quest
And I love the bride she became. Carolyn's Quest
And I love that she's a teacher like my sisters. Carolyn's Quest

3. Nominate at least 5

You're kidding right? Everyone has this award already.

*scampers about to double-check* Hmmm. OK.

4. Put the links of those on your blog

I'm dubbing you as hereby fabulous or in some cases doubly fabulous, but you don't have to do the pay it forward part if you don't want!

Soxy Deb (I named her ya know!)
Carolina Girl (My sista from anotha mutha!)
Lila (Me, ten years ago?!)
Butterfly (My ideal party girl!)
Kate (For overcoming incredible odds.)
Georgie (For having a confessional!)

5. Leave a message on their blog to let them know

Done.

OK I'm collapsing. Talk amongst yourselves. Here's a topic. The bailout is neither a bail nor an out. Discuss.

Deep Throat Pain

Well I have a serious throat infection. That is not strep throat. *ahem* What the hell that means exactly, I'll probably never know. Some tests are still out. Some antibiotics are begun. I should be staying home but I have to meet with a writer from Boston. And the weather tomorrow looks like a work from home day. So um....yeah. Not feeling warm and fuzzy at the moment.

As for my new dating site, OKCupid.com, it is TONS better than Chemistry_NOT.com. The guys at least like to have online conversation and send emails back and forth. One guy had to tell me last night that my "profile is almost too good to be true, it is a little daunting. But don't change it, it'll weed out the undesirables..." of which I was left to ponder if he was one of them.

Honestly....I should give you all the link to my profile. Maybe you could give me some advice? I'll debate that one with myself for a while. After all, we have to be careful what we ask for!

The Wolf in Me

morning weight: 276 lbs

I want to thank everyone who read, commented, and donated to my birthday charity drive. I am extremely proud to announce that $260.00 was raised in one day for Mica's IMHA Research Fund. It's never too late to donate and never too little an amount. I'm going to keep Mica's photo over near Sena's and if anyone feels the urge to donate and mentions my blog to Mel, I'll add $5 to their donation, whatever their amount.

I am feeling very much under the weather. Throat so sore I can barely swallow. But I must go into work (and infect my coworkers). I wish I could stay home, really. Maybe I can leave early.

So what did I do on my birthday night? I paid a well-trained professional to put his hands on me. Yes. For those of you who always wanted to know, it feels amazing to be with a professional. I'm not sure I'll ever have it any other way now. Oh you thought I meant....get your mind out of the gutter, that's where mine usually is! Well, I did have the most intense pleasure you can get without having sex I think. I had a massage. So I pay a hella lot of money to be touched once a month. My skin appreciates it!

I turned down a "come to the bar and I'll buy you a drink" invitation from James. I wasn't at all in the mood for the bar scene and I told him that, thinking perhaps he'd compromise and agree to meet me elsewhere instead. But no, the hockey game was on and he was already entrenched. And drinking. Did I mention drinking? Yeah. A little too much for me.

On Saturday, however, James accompanied me to the Lakota Wolf Preserve. He expressed an affinity to wolves from the first conversation we had, but I did not see evidence of this on Saturday. Instead of being in awe, he complained a lot. But I was able to tune out most of his negativity the moment I locked on sight of a wolf. The world just sort of fell away for me. This isn't the first time I've seen wolves, but it is never any less amazing. I have definitely somehow missed my calling or have yet to find it, as the wolves still beckon so strongly to me that I longed to just slip between the fences and be surrounded by them. Even if they were to devour me, though I suspect they'd sense my submissive energy to them, but even if they were to devour me, somehow I feel that would be alright. It is an existential thing, I can't explain it. I am looking into visiting the Wolf Research Center in Idaho as well. When something stays with you for years, there is a reason. Most of the photos I took don't come even close to the magnificent beauty I saw. I need to go back and just be in their presence some more.





The mid-day trip concluded, not with a kiss, not with a "so glad I got to share this with you" or a "happy birthday" but it concluded with James saying he wanted to go drink and he made it quite clear that he did not want to drink with me. And that's just about as much of a neon sign as I need to know that this guy is not someone I want to get too close to.

NEXT!

Give a Little Love

**Donation Updates in red below.**

Yes, today is my 39th birthday. Yes I am a Sagittarian, which means at times I am selfishly focused on myself. (OK, so that's 90% of the time!) Today, I am shining the spotlight elsewhere. In lieu of showering me with well wishes, please, my dear friends take a moment to read.

Exactly on my birthday 2 years ago, I was told my precious Sena (the black dog always watching on the right side of this blog) had "pre-cancer cells" in her urine. The vet may as well have been talking another language to me. I had no idea what that meant. I just hung on the word cancer. The illnesses of our pets often come on without warning. I will never get over the empty sick feeling that clutched at my soul that day. Because we always know that some day, of course, some day...but we are never prepared for THAT day.

Everywhere around this country, people are facing all sorts of fear and sorrow involving their beloved fur-family members. Among them are my sweet friend Mel and her precious Mica.



Mel lost Mica just SIX DAYS after being diagnosed with IMHA (Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia).

Briefly, IMHA is a condition in which the patient's immune system begins attacking his or her own red blood cells. IMHA occurs in humans as well as animals. Two key elements to battling this condition while trying to find a cure are blood transfusions and immune suppression. Just like humans, animals rely on blood transfusions. Donors are needed constantly. Please consider learning how your dog or cat might be a superhero by donating blood.

Rather than be bogged down by sorrow of having lost her best friend so suddenly, Mel founded a research foundation so that Mica's never-give-up spirit lives on as a dedication to raising awareness and funding studies for the prevention of and a cure for IMHA.

I am a proud supporter of Mica's fund, and if you are considering donating to a charity this year, this is one I can personally vouch is 100% genuine and the funds go directly into the foundation, not into any overhead or anyone's pocket. NO amount is too small, from $1 to $10, to $100.

To learn more about Mica and her foundation, click on Mica's growing group of supporters and friends struggling with IMHA:


To donate, make your check payable to:
Mica's IMHA Research Fund

USAgencies
95 SW Taylor Street
Portland, OR 97205-3305
Attn: Jan D.

And if you know me at all, you know I love to help. And I love when my help is really worthwhile. So, guess what?

EDITED:
On December 12 2008, this post raised $260.
Between December 12-31, this post raised an additional $130 by adding $5 to every donation Mel received.

Thank you to all who donated:
1. John N
2. kym C
3. Deesa B
4. Teresa H
5. Lizzie H
6. Priscilla S
7. Mike L
8. Bess F
9. Linda J
10. Margaret H
11. Special Dawn
12. Sally R
13. Liz K
14. Steve G
15. Valerie M
16. Mckenna L
17. Ron C
18. Betty H
19. Gail R
20. Pam J
21. Randee M
22. Joanne G
23. Robin K
24. Gerri M
25. Sheba M
26. Wanda S

Future Matching Fund Months:
February
May
August
December

Stay tuned!

If you can't donate much, please don't let that stop you. Just a month ago, Mel's neighborhood children pooled their money one day and came up with $15.00. The selfless love of children and animals is largely what the holidays are all about in my opinion. Some day your pet may need a blood transfusion, and there will be some angel animal who donated blood so that yours can have a fighting chance.

Let's work toward the day that none of our pets ever have to fight IMHA.

Pre-Birthday Blues

morning weight: 278 lbs

THE Day before. Ugh. My entire staff at work is sick. I am feeling a sore throat. No no no, not the day before my birthday. I am the quintessential party animal. I want to rock and roll all night and day. Oh wait, I'm turning that crooked year of 39? Oh. Nevermind then. Bring me the rocking chair.

I've gone back to The Daily Plate to reorganize my food intake. Holy crap, I learned I'd stopped taking in enough protein, total calories, and too much salt. And of course, not enough water. If you're needing to adjust yourself or just see what's what with some of your favorite foods, try that site out. You don't have to sign up for a profile to learn what one or two days intake sorts out to. I know some people use it as a check to see if they can eat what they want before they do it, such as "Can I really have that McSalad?" Well, their salads are actually worse than their mcnuggets!

Anyway, that's all I got folks. Check back here tomorrow.

Kangaroo Belly Fat

morning weight: 278 lbs

Note to Deb: I put my gym clothes on and THEN I went to sleep. That's progress.

There was a party yesterday at work, partly to ease the blow of our raises being less than what we'd been told we'd get, and partly to recognize year-long achievements (I got the Home Run Award, but I'm still waiting for Jason Varitek to deliver it to me). Considering we're one of the 3 industries not getting hit with layoffs, that's more than OK with me.

Anyway, I get home, turn the ringer off on my phone for TWO HOURS, fall into a work-induced food coma, and I wake up to learn my mother has decided I'm dead.

Seriously.

For a moment, I entertained the idea of slipping off into the secret world of the "presumed dead" on some calm warm waters of some tropical island.....

I also had a very odd dream. While I was sleeping, black market doctors came and cut out my "kangaroo pouch" which is what I call my rolly polly poohbear stomach. In the dream, I woke up to all of my intestines sprawled out on the bed yet I was still fully functional and alive.

Nice, eh?

This is why it is not a good idea to eat steak for lunch! It leads one to think that there is a market for belly fat! Well, on 2nd thought, what else do they put into rich women's cheeks?

Wrong Direction!

morning weight: 279 lbs

LOL All I can do is laugh. I just don't feel like crying. This is what 7 drinks and a plate of nachos can do. Ohhhh well. Some people have holiday parties; I have a date for the first time in months. Such is the damage. When I started the challenge there were 115 days and I weighed 276 lbs. Clearly I thought the object was to gain weight. Hahahaha.

OK so not funny. We have 65 days left. Funny how I've stopped looking at that clock. Things become commonplace and overlooked. Back to the gym tonight!

I need to look for a "how to have a social life and not wreck your weight loss" instruction kit. Stay tuned.

Not Beaver's World

Here we had our first snowfall last night. I stood outside as it was falling and breathed deeply. Although it was maybe just an inch, it covered everything so beautifully. The air was so moist and so clarifying. I loved it! My smile was genuine and reached my soul - I am still alive after all.

As for this weekend, please cue up Chris Issak for the soundtrack to hear about the date:



OK it wasn't like that at all, but I do love that song.

I had a hella lot of fun on Friday night. So much fun that it spilled over into Saturday. I did get my body warm and more than the required quota of hugs, kisses, and love bites for one night. I also got snoring, sheet-hogging, morning breath, and a dog that doesn't know what to do with himself when there's a guest in the house.

James is a bad Italian Jersey boy, wounded vet of desert storm gulf war, damaged goods of an 18 year old marriage that ended with her cheating on him. In short, all he wants is to be free of pain and commitment. To the point where he literally gave up all his worldly possessions, moved himself back to his roots, and is starting over from the ground up. Said he needed to purge himself of "things that don't matter" like a 6 foot entertainment center. Now all he wants to do is work hard, make a few good friends, and have fun. Mid-life crisis? No, he had that at 30, ten years ago.

Well, sure, and who could blame him? There are just as many women out there turning into cougars (I swear I'm on the verge) as there are men prowling about for a feel-good time.

I'm sure I'll see him again. I'm just left with lingering inner angst I guess.

This is the part that I am getting really good at, which I generalized for the purpose of expression, but basically this is the early evening conversation over drinks:

The guy, all serious: "I'm not looking for anything serious, no commitments. I want to keep it casual. Been burned too many times, you know...."

The girl, confused: "Right, so like friends....?"

The guy, aiming for an understanding: "Well more than friends. Really a fun time with a friend." Translation: sex

The girl, as the light dawns on her: "Friends with benefits." Translation: yes

The guy, happy to have been understood: "Yeah, no commitment but fun. Lots of fun."

The girl, can't believe she understands man-speak: "Right."

I guess somewhere, somehow two wrongs make a right nowadays?

My random thoughts don't really make a poem, but they sure do run about in my head enough to need putting down here.

This is not our parent's world of dating. (Aww gee, Beav.)
This is not even our childhood's world of dating.
This is the somewhat hopeless new world of dating.
You fall into this world from a divorce or a lost love,
and you know it isn't going to go the way you want.
You shift your priorities, lower your standards,
and hope someone will see just how much fun you are
Fun enough to keep you around? Not like last time.
No. Hell no. Your mind rages, this can't be the way.
But what else is there?
If you enjoy the moment of fun, you've given the guy all he wants.
Did you get what you want?
Just to be held, to feel a shred of comfort,
to know the warmth of another's body, to know your caring soul still exists.
If you don't, you continue to be alone,
waiting for someone who thinks the way you do?
What are the chances?
Some wait a year. Some wait seven.
My mother gave up the rest of her life.
You're not getting any younger or prettier.
You might get thinner. You might not.
You're getting more cynical. Jaded. Bitter.
Like sands through the hourglass,
so are the days of our lives.
Buck up camper, at least you've got dogs, cats, friends,
and the ability to laugh about it all
when you're not crying.

Giving It a Chance

morning weight: 274 lbs

Down 3 lbs this week. That feels good. Haven't been back to the gym yet Deb, so hold off on kicking my ass, but the period has been doing that instead.

Going on a date tonight. Don't know much about him but I'm excited just to go out. Excited just to be asked. Even if it only lasts an hour.

*deep breath*

My face looks like it has leprosy. Not kidding. At nearly 39 years old.

Oh well, maybe it'll be dark in the bar and he won't notice.

Or maybe he'll be nice enough to know those things can change.

My biggest fear is that I don't want to seem desperate but the truth is I'd do anything for a real hug and a kiss.

The Sin of Fun!

morning weight: 275 lbs

DISCLAIMER: If you are devoutly religious, this post may offend you. And you have the right to be offended. And I reserve the right to be offensive; it's my blog!

Two pound loss over a 24-hour period. This is what drinking water can do for me. Of course, some of it is water to begin with, but I drank an ocean yesterday. And T.o.M. is on like a stuck piglet so I am so exhausted I feel like a vampire that hasn't fed in a long long time.

Many of you have asked about my Mom. Thank you. She's back on her own with daily visits from my sister. She's packing for the move to her brand spanking new, non-stairs apartment and worrying about all that goes along with it. The movers cost $120/hour. We're all going to have to help her out on a monthly basis now. It's going to be tough. She has an appointment with a vascular specialist to see about that clot in her aorta. And she's decided that all the fun we had at the casino was (wait for it) a sin.

Yes. I'm working on letting it go, but it settles at the base of my neck. All the fun, all the effort, all the money we won and spent was a sin. Well....isn't that special churchlady. Oh how I wish I had kept my winnings!!



I am quite sure that if she had won a giant jackpot, she would have praised the lord for the blessing. Yes, my mother is a crackpot. A hypocrite. A martyr. And a religious zealot. It's amazing that homeland security hasn't brought her in for questioning. Oh wait, we don't do that for Christians, do we.

Walter Reed Holiday Cards

morning weight: 277 lbs

In my opinion, this is one address that needs as many holiday cards as you can afford to apply postage to:

A Recovering American Soldier
c/o Walter Reed Army Medical Center
6900 Georgia Avenue,NW
Washington,D.C. 20307-5001

Eating right and drinking water has already improved my mood. And T.o.M. is here! Woohoo! The weight-loss whoosh fairy can't be far behind.

Crawling

OK so I may haven fallen and I may not be able to get up yet. But I can crawl.

Thank you all for your support. I asked for a sign and I got many. I can't give up. My sweet Sena never gave up. I can't give up.

Also, coincidentally, Bruce released a new single from his soon to be released CD, Working on a Dream, inspired, from what I've read, in part, by the election. That's pretty cool.

As always, music reaches deepest into my soul. I listened to a lot of music over the past two days. Lyrics are one of the reasons I still feel inspired to write. I am putting new ideas for a novel together. I am not giving up.

What music inspires you to keep going?



My Lucky Day
"In the room where fortune falls
On a day when chance is all
In the dark of fierce exile
I felt the grace of your smile

Honey, you’re my lucky day
Baby, you’re my lucky day
Well I lost all the other bets I made
Honey, you’re my lucky day

When I see strong hearts give way
To the burdens of the day
To the weary hands of time
Where fortune is not kind

Honey, you’re my lucky day
Baby, you’re my lucky day
Well I lost all the other bets I made
Honey, you’re my lucky day

I’ve waited at your side
I’ve carried the tears you’ve cried
But to win, darlin’ we must play
So don’t hide your heart away

Honey, you’re my lucky day
Baby, you’re my lucky day
Well I lost all the other bets I made
Honey, you’re my lucky day"

Bruce Springsteen

Glazed with Ice

It's raw and icy and PERFECT outside. Yes, you read right. Perfect. Just the way I want it. Just the way I feel inside. Raw and icy and I want to keep everyone away from me by being prickly. I actually physically feel the warmth shrinking inside me and the bitterness seeping in to fill the crevices. I think it is called self-preservation and self-pity. Yeah yeah, I know damn well so many other people have it SO much worse than I do. I know. I know people dying of cancer. I know people physically unable to lose weight due to medical reasons. I know people battling other addictions. I know all about it, so please just leave it alone OK?

I shouldn't have looked back, but I did. A year ago, I have thought the same thoughts and weighed about the same. An entire year come and gone. No progress. Loss and gain, loss and gain. Just churning the wheel in the mud. Now I'm thinking of ditching all the past posts because I can't bear to look back and see how much I've failed. I'm thinking of ditching the blog altogether. Along with all of the weight loss attempts.

I'm so tired of trying. So tired. Sorry if you see me as your inspiration, you've set your sights on a falling star. Look for something that shines brighter in the sky. I've fallen and I can't get up.

Accountability

Invariably I knew my mood would suffer as an after-effect of family time. So here it is, sucking.

I have eaten terribly. For example:



12 mini spinach pastries. 1260 calories, 84 carbs. Plus 2 hot whiskey teas. Equals who the hell cares. And I didn't even have a thanksgiving dinner. Could you imagine if I had?

But I found a pill to take all the worries away. Why should anyone have to be held accountable for what they do to contribute to their own situation? Make it go away like magic!

Ordering Snow

Back at the Jersey shack...just another Thursday here. Phew.

Oh the silence is enough to make my ears hum. I still have residual ringing of slot machines in my ears every once in a while.

OK so I'm not masochistic enough to weigh myself today, now that I'm back from the grand casino. But I am masochistic enough to start thinking about my birthday two weeks before it is here. 15 days to be exact.

First of all, I want snow and lots of it.

Secondly, OK, I'm NOT flying to Seattle (or anywhere else for that matter) for a weekend romp with anyone, but I'm celebrating/mourning/reflecting the big 3-9 by how exactly? Working that day and then spending the weekend alone? Could I at least order a date, please? I would like one delivered for the Friday night and he wouldn't expire until Sunday night. That would taste better than any food.

OK so maybe we have to deal with reality instead? Maybe I should take the money accumulated in my challenge jar by that Friday and buy myself some flowers and the SATC movie then. But that means the challenge jar would be empty and I'd be starting all over again. Maybe I should take my auto loan bank up on their refinance offer which gives me one month without a payment. How nice of them to want to say happy birthday to me. I'll have to investigate further.

Work said bonuses are coming but 1. they might not be very much and 2. they might not arrive until January. I know I know I'm grateful, I am. But don't they know my birthday is coming up!? What's wrong with that global corporation!?

Sensory Overload

Warning: I'm toasted. Spent. Ready for the pasture. I've been around more people in 3 days than I would like to be in an entire year. The din of noise everywhere all the time is somewhat overwhelming. I am looking forward to peace and quiet. If these 3 days are what Vegas would be like for a week, I am not sure I can handle it.

Not sure what else to say, although I can just fill it up with a few photos from the Hard Rock Cafe. I always have been, and always will be, drawn to rock and roll music.



Mom and bro were too exhausted to go out. That was fine, because I've had enough of them and needed a break. And a drink. And I wanted a memory of here, something that said Foxwoods. I didn't see any shirts that fit. So I got this shot glass.



Buddy Holly:


Destiny's Child:


Brian Ferry:


Britney:


John Mellencamp:


Ritchie Sambora:


Chris Issak:


And in conclusion to this crazy fun-filled rollercoaster birthday extravaganza for Mom, is the soon-to-be winter sunset with some really classy snowflakes in the foreground. LOL



True Heart Girl is over and out. Do you copy?

Props to the Peeps

Special shoutout to two women in particular who are kicking it hard and accomplishing so much on this spring training challenge.

Deb: 7 lbs
Butterfly: 5.8 lbs

Also, Ms Carolina, you are trying so hard to walk that balance beam. I applaud you for living life to the fullest and trying to do the right thing -- for you. I am itching to update this loss for you, so stop teasing and weigh-in will ya?

Carolina Girl: 3 lbs

Mom's birthday party was the bomb. The entire staff at PRIME steakhouse treated her like royalty. I could not have spent my winnings on a better evening. It is rare I see my mother smile, so really we painted a wonderful picture of memories.



Pictured here is the carmelized apple tart with Tahitian vanilla ice cream. Split three ways = bad but not too bad!

Memorable Monday

I made this place work for me this morning. I am patting myself on the back. I may not be able to weigh in but I am exercising and eating as right as I can. This is life, and I'm going to live it.

First, I went for an incredible self-made workout outside. Who needs to pay $15 for the gym!? In 30 degree weather, I walked about 2 miles and I found a loop of a roadway that was about 70% incline up one side and down the other. I rocked it! Got my heart rate up high and broke a good sweat. And the key to it, I was smiling and feeling good the entire time.

Second, I made a healthy breakfast choice, although I do regret not bringing my protein powder. I may not lose while I'm here, but I am going to aim to maintain.

Third, I won $800 this morning! Wearing the Santa hat, which has now been deemed the lucky Santa hat.



Of course, nothing can be without reflection. That is just who I am. But notice I said reflection, not depression. Don't worry, just because I am reflective, I can still feel good.

As I walked, I wondered how many wildlife creatures were displaced for this place. And how much energy this place consumes. So much so that the sign asking guests to "be green" is really somewhat laughable. The slots, the tables, and the music never stop, 24/7. But I countered that thought with how many jobs this place must give to the local community. This is just one of the 4 hotels here:



Of course, after I took the photo of the MGM Grand, I noticed someone following me. Of course, my shadow, can't seem to shake that girl! What struck me as amusing and interesting, when I first saw her, was that she reminded me of a Native American statue. I swear I wasn't posing. Perhaps I am channeling my inner totem?





What remains after the excitement of this day, is the subtle reality. I am actually sitting in Panera Bread (and if you don't know Panera, my god, it is the sublime bread of chain breads...yumlicous carb city!) because it is the ONLY place here that allows wireless -- if you can believe it! The hotels still have "plug-in for high speed internet" only access. Anyway, the key is that I haven't eaten a single piece of food from here, and those who know me well might recall that I used to consume an entire loaf of semolina bread. I am somewhat tempted to go get a slice, but I'm not going to. I can actually sit here and resist it. I know I can. Because the reality is that one piece of bread isn't going to be enough. Not for me. Not yet, not right now. So I won't have any. Just one look at the incredibly obese people all around me is enough of a reminder to me that this country is on the very wrong track when it comes to eating and portions. Now that that seems to be the trend, I am going against it. I was never one to go with the trend! Yay!

Besides, tonight I will celebrate the win with a fabulous dinner for Mom and brother!

Live from Foxwoods...

...it's Suuuuuunday niiiiight!

Although I've put myself into a bit of a food coma, I'm having a lot of fun. Mom is laughing a lot and my brother is a tremendous help. Although she refuses to look into the camera, at least she agreed to be in the photo at all. We all look so blurry-eyed but none of us have had a drink.

This is my "I won $200" grin:



And look at my lovely dark non-gray hair, the sunset was so warm on my face:



And finally, I encountered a bridge that was BEAUTIFUL! Of course, it helped that it wasn't over water. The gorgeous Zakim bridge:

A Few Days Gone

Well I'm heading off in the AM to Massachusetts and Connecticut. I'm going for Mom (who is doing well and looking forward to her casino trip) but all I really want to do is curl up and sleep the week away. I'll have all my electronics with me, so I may be able to post something here if the hotel doesn't charge for the internet. I think they charge for everything because if you're not downstairs gambling, they've got to make money off you somehow.

So if I don't get here, enjoy a week without me!

Challenge Update

To my knowledge, this is as accurate as the information I have been given. You may have an update for me, so please don't be shy in correcting me!

Collectively challengers, in 28 complete days, we've lost 23.6 lbs! AWESOME!

Carolina Girl: 3 lbs
Deb: 6 lbs
Fab Kate: 3 lbs
Manda31: 5 lbs
Butterfly: 3.6 lbs
Me: 3 lbs

These five other women inspire me daily. They all have very different, complicated lives, and they're all making the effort to put themselves first, put their health first, and treat themselves and their bodies with respect. My hat's off to you!

86 days left until spring training! 86 days left until Valentine's Day!

Imagine if we could lose a collective 86 lbs!? I think that's like $2,000 in Godiva chocolate terms. Just sayin'...we're worth much more than that!

It could happen! If you dream it, you can achieve it.

My Fear of Bridges

morning weight: 273 lbs

Before I get to the post I wanted to write yesterday, let me first congratulate anyone who is sticking it out on the Spring Training / Valentine's Day Challenge. Feel free to check in with your progress at any time. Are you rewarding yourself? We're entering week 5 today and it is definitely a struggle. What I'm telling myself is that what happened yesterday is gone. This is a lifestyle change, not a rush to drop a ton of weight quickly.

I had Chinese food. Including white rice. And I enjoyed it. And tomorrow I have to take my team out for pizza (their choice) to celebrate a huge project ending. And I will enjoy that too. So I know I won't have a lot of loss this week because I will have consumed simple carbs which is my enemy. But I know I can maintain with exercise.

So if you're plateauing, remember it is better stall than it is to gain. And if you gain a pound, it isn't the end of the world. Keep exercising, keep drinking water, the weight will come off. Expend more energy than you take in. I say this to myself who must go to the gym tonight.

As I mentioned the bridge nightmare on Saturday, I had a deja vu moment that I wrote about this before, but when it comes to this topic, I can't really be 100% sure of anything. Because this is my phobia. I refer to it briefly here, but I can't seem to find the entire post I honestly thought I already wrote. So if you're reading something you already know, please just lead me back to my rocking chair and get me a cup of tea.

So here's the back story...

My fear has been with me as long as I can remember. Which is to say that there isn't a time frame in my memory I can look back on when I was not afraid of bridges. I wish there was. I have had hypnosis therapy to deal with a traumatic experience of seeing a bridge collapse in Connecticut repeatedly on television when I was about 9 or 10 years old.



The root of my fear is that it will collapse while I am on the center span. My secondary fear is that I will witness it collapsing and people dying but I myself will be spared. My lower level fear is that I will one day see a jumper. I've been in traffic because of one, I've read about them, but I haven't seen one. And I hope I never do. I hear New Yorkers shout at them to jump. Can you imagine?

The extreme edge of the fear, the very worst, the complete paralyzing and hyperventilating aspects have, for the most part, been controlled. But it still grips me every now and then. Which is what happened on Friday when the radio reported that the 10 mile backup to the bridge was due to the fact that a hole had opened up in the span and three cars sustained damage yet the bridge was still open and cars were crossing. I sat paralyzed with fear for a long time, until it got down to 2 exits left of escape. I have gotten off before. I have turned around. I have gone home. And some times I have been able to talk myself out of it. There were things in that office I needed to get, things I needed to do that I didn't want to put off and have to go in on Saturday. So I forced myself to stay in the far left lane and not move over three lanes of traffic to get off. But the result of that was I pulled every muscle in my right shoulder and neck because I tensed up so much. I was doing deep breathing exercises, I was talking to Sena and I'm pretty sure she was there with me, licking my tears.



I must cross this bridge twice a day, and no, there is no other option. It is a long bridge, more than one mile long. I only have photos of the mid-section because that is the part that haunts me. Most of the bridge is on pilings and only the mid-section is without support beneath it. This is the part they call the center span. Traffic always backs up on the span because there are tolls to pay at the end.

When you've crested the span and you're coming off on the eastbound side, you can turn your head and see the NYC skyline. It has a sense of beauty to it, but usually I just feel an extreme queasy sense of uneasy relief.



And then I cough up my $4.50 for the right to be so frightened. This is why I don't need to pay money to see horror movies. I have enough fear in real life.

The Miss List

The rain has made it impossible to rake the 2 tons of leaves in my yard. They're now soaking wet to the point where I don't know what I will do.

Yesterday's nightmare with the bridge (I'll get to it in good time) has me nursing a pinched nerve in the shoulder which wouldn't be conducive to yard work anyway, but I would have done it since time is running out.

So while waiting for my massage appointment, I'm compiling a "I Miss" list. This may be a little too Nicholas Sparks for some of you, but it's my blog. And I hear this is supposed to be therapeutic. Hope so.

I miss...

--The way my gorgeous Sena's coat felt when I hugged her.
--How Sena used to lick away my tears. (Chad -though I love him- is clueless.)
--Pancakes.
--Sleeping in the arms of a man, comforted by his heartbeat.
--Pancakes made by previously sleeping man.
--Snow so deep you can't open the front door.
--Watching the kittens play. (They were Violet and Smoky Jo, they're gone.)
--Outback fries and those crazy Aussie-named drinks. (Lisa!)
--The smell of horse manure, wood shavings, hay, molasses, and grain.
--Pulling on previously sleeping man's shirt and being wrapped in his scent.
--Macaroni and cheese.
--Looking into someone's eyes and having them look back into yours.
--Laughing with someone at the television or a movie.
--The way it feels to be hugged from behind.
--Lake Chauncey in Westborough, MA.
--Trusting other people.
--Foreign accents calling my name.
--Walking on the beach.
--Dinner out and blonde moments. (Sweden!)
--Uno's pizza.

272

morning weight: 272 lbs

Down another pound. It is vital that I see results when I'm getting back into exercising and weight training. Absolutely vital. The validation is key for me not slipping into the comfort eating zone. I can almost see the 260s ahead of me.

Happy Thursday people, the weekend is almost here.

I'll Be There (For Me)

This is how the conversation in my head went on my hour-long commute home today. I assure you I'm not schizophrenic. And while I'm making a disclaimer, I'm also not making fun of anyone who is; this is just how it sounds in my head, posted for your amusement and perhaps commiseration. And in case you're wondering, the one-woman Broadway show starts next year.

Me: Wow, gotta stay awake. I'm so tired. I wish someone would give me a hug.
Compulsive Me: Well there is no one.

Me: I wish someone was coming home to me tonight.
Compulsive Me: Well there isn't.

Me: I'm so lonely.
Compulsive Me: Yup.

Me: I'm so tired.
Compulsive Me: Yup.

Me: I'm so tired of being lonely and tired.
Compulsive Me: Yup.

Me: I want a bacon cheeseburger and fries from Five Guys Burgers & Fries.
Compulsive Me: Oh yes you do. Yes Yes Yes.

Me: Wait, no. No. I don't.
Compulsive Me: Yes you do. You'll feel better.

Me: No I won't.
Compulsive Me: Yes, you will. The comfort feeling in your stomach will ease the empty feeling of being lonely.

Me: Only for maybe 10 minutes. It isn't worth it.
Compulsive Me: It's better than nothing.

Me: No, it isn't better than nothing.
Compulsive Me: Yes it is.

Me: Shit, I better call someone.
Compulsive Me: Oh yeah, the lifeline. Good luck with that.

1st lifeline: *ring ring* No answer.
2nd lifeline: *ring ring* No answer.
3rd lifeline: *ring ring* No answer.

Me: Sigh. F.U.C.K.
Compulsive Me: People can't be there for you all the time, spoiled brat.

Me: No but why does it seem when I really need someone, there's no one.
Compulsive Me: Because you just have to go it alone. We all just go it alone in the end.

Me: So, is this the end? Is this all there is? A constant struggle to lose weight, find a guy, and avoid carbs for the rest of my life?
Compulsive Me: Yup.

Me: Great.
Compulsive Me: Soooo, how about that cheeseburger and fries...

Me: No.
Compulsive Me: Come on.

Me: No. I'm not stopping.
Compulsive Me: Sigh. Poopyhead.

Me: STFU, I'm turning on some tuneage!

And tuneage I did turn on. I cranked my absolute favorite Jovi song repeatedly the entire drive home. Complete with tears. Music is always there.



This long, live version is done especially soulfully by Ritchie (reminds me of Stevie Ray).

Anyway, please don't worry, if you're one of my lifelines. I made it through the crisis and lived to tell about it. No one was harmed, despite the full moon.



Speaking of which, have you seen the November full moon? Go look. It is gorgeous.

So, what do you know, I AM starting to catch my behavior a bit. When I found myself thinking about visiting my mother on her apparent future trip to the casino of her choice, I was first filled with apprehension because my mother equals stress to me and stress to me equals food. But I managed to stop the full-fledged panic by telling myself to look into the gym at the hotel. Well, as it turns out, the gym is $15/day per guest. Yikes. I guess they'd rather you were gambling and eating. But still, it made me think that maybe I could take a walk around the grounds outside or maybe even just pay the $15 at least one day and that way if I couldn't resist temptation, perhaps I could balance it out a bit.

I don't know. While I know I have to plan, I also know I can't think too far ahead.

I have all I can do to gather the energy to get to the gym tonight.

Weight-lifter, weight-shifter

$10 in my reward jar.

I went to the gym again. Weights. 50 lbs weights for crunches; 30 lbs for the butterfly press; 50 lbs for the leg press.

I am soooo tired.

And.....why do all the leaves have to fall in MY yard? I might have to do that tonight instead of the gym.

Lucky 7s and 3s

morning weight: 273 lbs

I am in as much shock as you. Another pound. I weighed 5 times, about 2 minutes apart, just to make sure I was a. awake and b. not suddenly in need of glasses. This is quite an after-TOM whoosh. I will credit water for this. And exercise.

I was just intending to write about my workout last night, but now it feels extra special.

I had my personal best on the treadmill last night.

70 minutes - 3 miles - heart max 145 - 700 calories burned

That extra 10 minutes really helped. I set the hill routine again. I can't believe I can say I like it. I really like it. It helped to be watching a fast-paced show (My Own Worst Enemy).

And it looks like I'm taking off the week of Thanksgiving from work because my staff will all be gone between Christmas and New Year's and I will have to be around then so I get to take off now. Also a good time to get some planning done when the office is quiet before the New Year so I don't mind. Seems I'll be alone again anyway.

I will go see my Mom, who I have to tell you, hopes to be well enough to be motor-scootering around Foxwoods casino - all at my brother-the-motivator's planning! Just the thought that she is even thinking and anticipating something in her future is amazing. She used to say she'd rather be dead than drive one of those motorized carts around, but I guess she's come to see that if she compromises she can still have something she enjoys.

I wonder if I can learn that lesson. Will I ever be able to compromise and having something I enjoy? Right now it seems all or nothing. But I had years of wallowing in what I enjoyed, so I must remember that. And strive for moderation in the future.

I hope we all have a great day Tuesday.

SP / VT Challenge Check-In

morning weight: 274 lbs

Phew I lost a pound. Yay me.

If you're wondering about that Anysoldier icon, check out my Sunday post.

How are all my Challengers doing? We are well under the 100 day mark! Tough week ahead? I hear you.

I have changed up my food plan for the week. I'm going grilled chicken with spinach and greens salads for the lunches and whey protein shakes and mini Luna bars for dinners. Also going to aim for 6 days at the gym. 3 cardio days and 3 resistance training days.

Have you planned your week? Not too late!

Somebody to Love

Here's my song of the moment (George sings Freddie's part pretty well):



I was feeling pretty sorry for myself but luckily that didn't last long.

You may notice that I added a link above Sena's photo (that RARELY happens because she's my alpha angel of everything) but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't mind between now and New Year's.

Please send a care package to a soldier this holiday season. Some of the things they need are razors and body wash, wet wipes, and especially coffee (in the single packets) is a treasured item. We're all struggling with the economy but I find that if I add a few items to my grocery shop, it doesn't feel like a large financial burden. The post office also has special rates for military if you send it in one of their boxes. When you're there make sure you pick up the customs form and fill it out ahead of time.

Not sure what else to send, or if you want to send a package to one of the 4 branches of military specifically, the site will tell you all the details you need to know. Don't wait. Some packages arrive in a week, some take a month. This page has specific soldiers with specific requests.

There are many soldiers who have no family and get no personal mail. I've been writing to a 22 year old in Afghanistan who is just so beside himself with heartache over the loss of a buddy recently. He was in Iraq first and says he can sleep a little better now in Afghanistan. They have internet access but no new underwear or socks; isn't that odd?

I didn't agree with the decision to invade Iraq for the reasons the Bush administration gave. And I don't agree with how the war has been handled. But one thing is certain, I do support the men and women of our volunteer military. They're out there risking their lives, by choice, for about $600/week as a private. Can you put a price on the cost of an American life? How about any human life, from any country?

Let's get the job done and let's get them home.

My Friday

morning weight: 275 lbs

Haven't lost a bleeping thing. Three workouts this week.

I was going to wait until Monday but I personally need a little weekend courage, so I'm sending a special shout-out to Soxy Deb for her incredible loss: 6 lbs in two weeks! Way to go Deb! I made a little encouragement blingy for you:



So what did you do with your Friday?

I went to see Zack and Miri Make a Porno. I just liked telling the name to the ticket attendant. I found it hilarious. So either I'm desperate for comedy or my tastes are changing. Oh if only I were thin, I could have a 2nd career!

Of course, I didn't eat well yesterday. Total consumption: two cups of tea and a small bag of popcorn. Yeah that's it. And of course, I woke up this morning starving. An actual Poohbear rumbly tumbly.

But I can say that I have found a new way to love the treadmill. I had always been afraid to try the hill workout on it, and last night I finally just told myself well, if I fall off, I fall off and if my leg muscles start to cramp, I can just stop it. Come to find out, the machine lets you set the speed, which made a huge difference. I liked how it varied and I never knew when it would happen. Kept me alert. And I have $7.00 in my reward jar. What is that, like one rose?

However, I did feel a bit like a geek loser to be at the gym on Friday night at 10 pm. Just me and Lipstick Jungle. When they cast shows off to Fridays, doesn't that mean they're ready to pull the plug? Or just that they're hoping to catch the larger demographic of women who have no family or no dates to which I fall into rather deeply.

Spoke to Mom and she's doing well in her rehab with her physical therapy. She is back to her stubborn mindset and deciding which parts of the doctor's orders she's going to listen to and which she isn't. Turns out the cysts on her liver had been growing for ten years. WTF. Sigh. Well, at least they're gone. Her belly button is sore, something she feels will never recover, the number of times she's had a scope in there. Oh well Mom, you're about to turn octogenarian, let's be thankful for the little things right? Like not having cancer. OK that's a big thing.

Got to the email stage with another Chemistry_Not.com guy. Red Sox fan. Near Philly. Can quote 80s movies. Divorced, two kids. In Pharma industry. Not super cute but not fugly. We'll see. Technically too far away for a relationship, but if we meet and there are sparks, I think I should follow it. Haven't had any combustion in a long time. Trying to stay open, so lightning can strike. Anytime now, anytime.

PMS Queen

Some of you have checked in on the challenge. Does anyone else want to check in on the challenge? It began two Mondays ago. I'm keeping a tally on the post that is dedicated to the challenge, click on the image to the right or right here.

Today's inspiration, Back in Skinny Jeans: Don't Self-Sabotage Yourself!

I know I learned something from that lesson on self-sabotage. Hope you did too.

I haven't lost anything in 7 days. PMS is an ugly thing. Some women swear by Midol, but it doesn't seem to do anything for me, including dropping water so I could drop a pound.

Here are some things I do swear by:

- Liquid egg whites
- Body Fortress whey protein
- MINI Luna bars (not the full size!) Emergencies only to replace grabbing that holiday snickers in the office.
- one tablespoon of light virgin olive oil (Cooked with one or two pounds of meat it isn't that much fat on a weekly basis, it is the good kind of fat, and it will keep you from being constipated.)
- Greek nonfat yogurt (yes, there's a HUGE difference, look for it)
- Water

I exercised on Monday night. I hit the treadmill hard, using their "fat burn" workout in which the bloody thing had me going up a 6.0 incline at times to keep my target 140 heart rate. It was intense.

Speaking of exercise, I will go again tonight. Even with my period. Unless I get some awful pain beforehand. Does anyone else still exercise when your TOM is here? I've read that exercise during that timeframe helps. Just don't overdo it.