morning weight: 273 lbs
Before I get to the post I wanted to write yesterday, let me first congratulate anyone who is sticking it out on the Spring Training / Valentine's Day Challenge. Feel free to check in with your progress at any time. Are you rewarding yourself? We're entering week 5 today and it is definitely a struggle. What I'm telling myself is that what happened yesterday is gone. This is a lifestyle change, not a rush to drop a ton of weight quickly.
I had Chinese food. Including white rice. And I enjoyed it. And tomorrow I have to take my team out for pizza (their choice) to celebrate a huge project ending. And I will enjoy that too. So I know I won't have a lot of loss this week because I will have consumed simple carbs which is my enemy. But I know I can maintain with exercise.
So if you're plateauing, remember it is better stall than it is to gain. And if you gain a pound, it isn't the end of the world. Keep exercising, keep drinking water, the weight will come off. Expend more energy than you take in. I say this to myself who must go to the gym tonight.
As I mentioned the bridge nightmare on Saturday, I had a deja vu moment that I wrote about this before, but when it comes to this topic, I can't really be 100% sure of anything. Because this is my phobia. I refer to it briefly here, but I can't seem to find the entire post I honestly thought I already wrote. So if you're reading something you already know, please just lead me back to my rocking chair and get me a cup of tea.
So here's the back story...
My fear has been with me as long as I can remember. Which is to say that there isn't a time frame in my memory I can look back on when I was not afraid of bridges. I wish there was. I have had hypnosis therapy to deal with a traumatic experience of seeing a bridge collapse in Connecticut repeatedly on television when I was about 9 or 10 years old.
The root of my fear is that it will collapse while I am on the center span. My secondary fear is that I will witness it collapsing and people dying but I myself will be spared. My lower level fear is that I will one day see a jumper. I've been in traffic because of one, I've read about them, but I haven't seen one. And I hope I never do. I hear New Yorkers shout at them to jump. Can you imagine?
The extreme edge of the fear, the very worst, the complete paralyzing and hyperventilating aspects have, for the most part, been controlled. But it still grips me every now and then. Which is what happened on Friday when the radio reported that the 10 mile backup to the bridge was due to the fact that a hole had opened up in the span and three cars sustained damage yet the bridge was still open and cars were crossing. I sat paralyzed with fear for a long time, until it got down to 2 exits left of escape. I have gotten off before. I have turned around. I have gone home. And some times I have been able to talk myself out of it. There were things in that office I needed to get, things I needed to do that I didn't want to put off and have to go in on Saturday. So I forced myself to stay in the far left lane and not move over three lanes of traffic to get off. But the result of that was I pulled every muscle in my right shoulder and neck because I tensed up so much. I was doing deep breathing exercises, I was talking to Sena and I'm pretty sure she was there with me, licking my tears.
I must cross this bridge twice a day, and no, there is no other option. It is a long bridge, more than one mile long. I only have photos of the mid-section because that is the part that haunts me. Most of the bridge is on pilings and only the mid-section is without support beneath it. This is the part they call the center span. Traffic always backs up on the span because there are tolls to pay at the end.
When you've crested the span and you're coming off on the eastbound side, you can turn your head and see the NYC skyline. It has a sense of beauty to it, but usually I just feel an extreme queasy sense of uneasy relief.
And then I cough up my $4.50 for the right to be so frightened. This is why I don't need to pay money to see horror movies. I have enough fear in real life.
Losing Weight; Finding Men
"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."