Losing Weight; Finding Men

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I'll Be There (For Me)

This is how the conversation in my head went on my hour-long commute home today. I assure you I'm not schizophrenic. And while I'm making a disclaimer, I'm also not making fun of anyone who is; this is just how it sounds in my head, posted for your amusement and perhaps commiseration. And in case you're wondering, the one-woman Broadway show starts next year.

Me: Wow, gotta stay awake. I'm so tired. I wish someone would give me a hug.
Compulsive Me: Well there is no one.

Me: I wish someone was coming home to me tonight.
Compulsive Me: Well there isn't.

Me: I'm so lonely.
Compulsive Me: Yup.

Me: I'm so tired.
Compulsive Me: Yup.

Me: I'm so tired of being lonely and tired.
Compulsive Me: Yup.

Me: I want a bacon cheeseburger and fries from Five Guys Burgers & Fries.
Compulsive Me: Oh yes you do. Yes Yes Yes.

Me: Wait, no. No. I don't.
Compulsive Me: Yes you do. You'll feel better.

Me: No I won't.
Compulsive Me: Yes, you will. The comfort feeling in your stomach will ease the empty feeling of being lonely.

Me: Only for maybe 10 minutes. It isn't worth it.
Compulsive Me: It's better than nothing.

Me: No, it isn't better than nothing.
Compulsive Me: Yes it is.

Me: Shit, I better call someone.
Compulsive Me: Oh yeah, the lifeline. Good luck with that.

1st lifeline: *ring ring* No answer.
2nd lifeline: *ring ring* No answer.
3rd lifeline: *ring ring* No answer.

Me: Sigh. F.U.C.K.
Compulsive Me: People can't be there for you all the time, spoiled brat.

Me: No but why does it seem when I really need someone, there's no one.
Compulsive Me: Because you just have to go it alone. We all just go it alone in the end.

Me: So, is this the end? Is this all there is? A constant struggle to lose weight, find a guy, and avoid carbs for the rest of my life?
Compulsive Me: Yup.

Me: Great.
Compulsive Me: Soooo, how about that cheeseburger and fries...

Me: No.
Compulsive Me: Come on.

Me: No. I'm not stopping.
Compulsive Me: Sigh. Poopyhead.

Me: STFU, I'm turning on some tuneage!

And tuneage I did turn on. I cranked my absolute favorite Jovi song repeatedly the entire drive home. Complete with tears. Music is always there.

This long, live version is done especially soulfully by Ritchie (reminds me of Stevie Ray).

Anyway, please don't worry, if you're one of my lifelines. I made it through the crisis and lived to tell about it. No one was harmed, despite the full moon.

Speaking of which, have you seen the November full moon? Go look. It is gorgeous.

So, what do you know, I AM starting to catch my behavior a bit. When I found myself thinking about visiting my mother on her apparent future trip to the casino of her choice, I was first filled with apprehension because my mother equals stress to me and stress to me equals food. But I managed to stop the full-fledged panic by telling myself to look into the gym at the hotel. Well, as it turns out, the gym is $15/day per guest. Yikes. I guess they'd rather you were gambling and eating. But still, it made me think that maybe I could take a walk around the grounds outside or maybe even just pay the $15 at least one day and that way if I couldn't resist temptation, perhaps I could balance it out a bit.

I don't know. While I know I have to plan, I also know I can't think too far ahead.

I have all I can do to gather the energy to get to the gym tonight.


Anonymous said...

Sorry that you had such a crazy drive home, and it is really a step moving in the right direction that you are noticing your behavior associated with food, that is half of the battle! Good job on resisting the burger joint (speaking of which, one is coming near me, never heard of it before) and keep up the good work!

Soxy Deb said...

Oaf!! It's a wonder your not a parent, you got the guilt thing down (I kid I kid). I hope I was not a lifeline - I swear I never heard my phone ring! If you don't have my number and need it, just let me know. I will always try to be there for you.

Glad you got through the attack by yourself though. It just shows that you can and do have great willpower and determination to get through this Challenge. You make me feel like I can do it too, just for knowing you. :)

you're like butter to me

Just a Lovable Party Girl

Just a Lovable Party Girl
Sagittarius is born to travel the world and move upwards and outwards. Naturally gregarious, they love the idea of meeting different people and understanding foreign cultures. There is also a desire to broaden the mind too, with the possibility of many Sagittarians being lifelong students. Their outlook is generally optimistic and there is a distinct lack of concern over the smaller, practical details. A great sense of humor and a lack of petty mindedness are Sagittarian qualities too. Sagittarius is open -- open-minded, open-hearted and generous, up to a point. They like to get value and will not be quite so impulsive with their cash but they do have a natural ability to get on with people from many varied walks of life. They have an innate sense of wanting to help others and give them a hand up the ladder and can be wonderful and exciting companions. Expect an honest answer when you ask a question and maybe some long philosophic discussions into the night. Jovial, optimistic, versatile, open-minded, philosophical, sincere, frank, visionary.