Losing Weight; Finding Men

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Glazed with Ice

It's raw and icy and PERFECT outside. Yes, you read right. Perfect. Just the way I want it. Just the way I feel inside. Raw and icy and I want to keep everyone away from me by being prickly. I actually physically feel the warmth shrinking inside me and the bitterness seeping in to fill the crevices. I think it is called self-preservation and self-pity. Yeah yeah, I know damn well so many other people have it SO much worse than I do. I know. I know people dying of cancer. I know people physically unable to lose weight due to medical reasons. I know people battling other addictions. I know all about it, so please just leave it alone OK?

I shouldn't have looked back, but I did. A year ago, I have thought the same thoughts and weighed about the same. An entire year come and gone. No progress. Loss and gain, loss and gain. Just churning the wheel in the mud. Now I'm thinking of ditching all the past posts because I can't bear to look back and see how much I've failed. I'm thinking of ditching the blog altogether. Along with all of the weight loss attempts.

I'm so tired of trying. So tired. Sorry if you see me as your inspiration, you've set your sights on a falling star. Look for something that shines brighter in the sky. I've fallen and I can't get up.


georgie said...

YOU will rebound!!! keep the faith

Lila said...

Oh my goodness, that's an awful feeling, that feeling of helplessness. But It's also very normal and very human to feel that way sometimes. Especially for those of us who struggle with food and weight issues. I've definitely been there before. It's so hard. Something that my therapist told me to do was to give myself a time limit, like, I'm allowed to "sit in my shit," for then next 3 days. Then, on the 4th day, I have to wake up and do something different. One of the things that I did was decided to start running. I did this is the dead of Minnesota winter when I was close to 100 pounds over weight. I could only run for like 10 or 15 seconds without stopping. But I did, and then I walked for a minute, then I ran for another 15 seconds or so and then stopped and walked. I did this often. It always changed my mood and then, I became someone who could run a 5k without stopping. It feels wonderful. I'm certainly not saying to become a runner. But maybe thinking about something that you might want to do in a few days. Setting a goal and then doing it slowly might be helpful. My therapist says that the key thing is to "give yourself permission to sit in your shit" for a preset amount of time. I do hope that this is helpful.

Carolina Girl said...

Don't quit...because honestly I feel the same way lately. I hate that you feel so down right now - but in some weird way it is comforting to me because I know I'm not alone in my "failure" thoughts. It's like I have "destined to FAIL" stamped across my forehead. I don't know what the problem is. You and I both obviously in the past have been able to lose the weight, so what is stopping us now? I know mine is all in my head. It's all mental.

But please...whatever you do. Don't give in. Let's keep churning in the mud together until one of these days one of us figures a way out. And then that person can pull the other one out :)

butterfly said...

Oh Urkel!

Dust yourself off and try again- it's what you're doing. No one said this would be easy.

Do you want to look back in a year from now and think "aww crap, once again another year gone and I'm still at the same place?". I betcha it's NO.

Keep the old posts as an anchor & motivation to go about the next year in a very different way.

And I'll miss your writing anyway so pls don't stop blogging:P

Fab Kate said...

I know... it's tough. I've been there. Which is why I started considering alternatives.

Soxy Deb said...

HEY!! NO WAY! I got some serious mud-boggin tires here, we'll get you out. I do need you. And you are inspiring. Hell D, the holidays are hard normally and your just having a rougher time of it. You cannot give up. No ma'am.

"WE" can do this!! Together!!

My Choice said...

Hey! I just found you through Carolina girl... Can't give up now.. I need a buddy to keep me on the straight & narrow... Just found your blog, so not really clued in yet, but we are the same age, going through the same shit.. wanna be friends? : )

you're like butter to me

Just a Lovable Party Girl

Just a Lovable Party Girl
Sagittarius is born to travel the world and move upwards and outwards. Naturally gregarious, they love the idea of meeting different people and understanding foreign cultures. There is also a desire to broaden the mind too, with the possibility of many Sagittarians being lifelong students. Their outlook is generally optimistic and there is a distinct lack of concern over the smaller, practical details. A great sense of humor and a lack of petty mindedness are Sagittarian qualities too. Sagittarius is open -- open-minded, open-hearted and generous, up to a point. They like to get value and will not be quite so impulsive with their cash but they do have a natural ability to get on with people from many varied walks of life. They have an innate sense of wanting to help others and give them a hand up the ladder and can be wonderful and exciting companions. Expect an honest answer when you ask a question and maybe some long philosophic discussions into the night. Jovial, optimistic, versatile, open-minded, philosophical, sincere, frank, visionary.