Losing Weight; Finding Men

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Letting the Mind Wander

"A woman must have money
and a room of her own if she is to write fiction."

- Virigina Woolf

Aha...so that is what's missing...that's why I can't finish what I write...money. I'm laughing.

Anyway, I can't believe it took me several years to get around to seeing The Hours. An English major, I should have flocked to the theater to see anything having to do with Virginia Woolf.

I guess I must have been in a happy place when it came out and didn't want to get too low. Anyway, I can cross that off my Netflix list. Now I think I must see Twilight before the next one comes out.

I did not go to the gym. I came in from the walk around the neighborhood with Lo, and my body was just screaming out not to go anywhere else. I think my body was protecting my mind, because I took quite a trip on that walk.

There's a new guy on the horizon at the email and phone call stage. He's older, a psych ward CNA, and a musician. For some reason, these things interest me. Maybe I think he would have some stories to tell.

But, every time I try to date someone new, a part of me remembers why I moved down to Jersey from Massachusetts. An older builder to the rich, he was supposed to be my last relationship. When a man plays guitar and sings Bad Company's "Feel Like Makin Love" to you after cooking you a fantastic meal he caught himself --- Errr, where was I? Oh, sorry...there's nothing left of me but a puddle of girl goo.

But, funny how those moments come and go. I thought older men knew what they wanted, knew they had less time to enjoy it, and wouldn't play games and leave me. But men are men. And some men are manbearpigs. This would be our 5th year and according to his blueprints for life, we would be building the log cabin and the barn on 10 acres and moving in spring 2010. I wonder if he's revised his 5-year plan. I wonder if he has a bucket list instead.

Anyway, now, when I walk the neighborhood, when I turn the corner a few streets over from where I rent, there is a striking visual reminder that the house he and I spent so much time in together no longer exists (new owners tore it down and rebuilt). Where a small 1950s cottage once stood in a copse of evergreens, now looms a three-story McMansion with no trees. All that seemed natural and real is gone. Even the grass seems a false dayglow green.

And as I pass by it walking a black dog, a different black dog than the one he knew and loved, it seems like I imagined the whole 4 years. Like there's a blip in the Matrix, Neo.


Carolina Girl, I made this with you in mind. Sorry, no veggies.

FF Greek Yogurt
Guava Juice
Coconut Juice
Chocolate Whey Protein

The juices contained way more carbs than I should have.
But it was yummy and the closest to ice cream I've had this year.
No blender. Just shake it up.



Sarah said...

Ah Twilight. I wanted to hate it. I loved it.

It's frustrating, depressing, and yet somehow at times it's wonderful, how life doesn't turn out the way we plan it. Just down the road is something fantastic for you. I promise!

Carolina Girl said...

Your words made me want to cry. So sad and yet sweet at the same time.

But then I cheered up...smoothies make everything better!

you're like butter to me

Just a Lovable Party Girl

Just a Lovable Party Girl
Sagittarius is born to travel the world and move upwards and outwards. Naturally gregarious, they love the idea of meeting different people and understanding foreign cultures. There is also a desire to broaden the mind too, with the possibility of many Sagittarians being lifelong students. Their outlook is generally optimistic and there is a distinct lack of concern over the smaller, practical details. A great sense of humor and a lack of petty mindedness are Sagittarian qualities too. Sagittarius is open -- open-minded, open-hearted and generous, up to a point. They like to get value and will not be quite so impulsive with their cash but they do have a natural ability to get on with people from many varied walks of life. They have an innate sense of wanting to help others and give them a hand up the ladder and can be wonderful and exciting companions. Expect an honest answer when you ask a question and maybe some long philosophic discussions into the night. Jovial, optimistic, versatile, open-minded, philosophical, sincere, frank, visionary.