Glazed with Ice

It's raw and icy and PERFECT outside. Yes, you read right. Perfect. Just the way I want it. Just the way I feel inside. Raw and icy and I want to keep everyone away from me by being prickly. I actually physically feel the warmth shrinking inside me and the bitterness seeping in to fill the crevices. I think it is called self-preservation and self-pity. Yeah yeah, I know damn well so many other people have it SO much worse than I do. I know. I know people dying of cancer. I know people physically unable to lose weight due to medical reasons. I know people battling other addictions. I know all about it, so please just leave it alone OK?

I shouldn't have looked back, but I did. A year ago, I have thought the same thoughts and weighed about the same. An entire year come and gone. No progress. Loss and gain, loss and gain. Just churning the wheel in the mud. Now I'm thinking of ditching all the past posts because I can't bear to look back and see how much I've failed. I'm thinking of ditching the blog altogether. Along with all of the weight loss attempts.

I'm so tired of trying. So tired. Sorry if you see me as your inspiration, you've set your sights on a falling star. Look for something that shines brighter in the sky. I've fallen and I can't get up.

Accountability

Invariably I knew my mood would suffer as an after-effect of family time. So here it is, sucking.

I have eaten terribly. For example:



12 mini spinach pastries. 1260 calories, 84 carbs. Plus 2 hot whiskey teas. Equals who the hell cares. And I didn't even have a thanksgiving dinner. Could you imagine if I had?

But I found a pill to take all the worries away. Why should anyone have to be held accountable for what they do to contribute to their own situation? Make it go away like magic!

Ordering Snow

Back at the Jersey shack...just another Thursday here. Phew.

Oh the silence is enough to make my ears hum. I still have residual ringing of slot machines in my ears every once in a while.

OK so I'm not masochistic enough to weigh myself today, now that I'm back from the grand casino. But I am masochistic enough to start thinking about my birthday two weeks before it is here. 15 days to be exact.

First of all, I want snow and lots of it.

Secondly, OK, I'm NOT flying to Seattle (or anywhere else for that matter) for a weekend romp with anyone, but I'm celebrating/mourning/reflecting the big 3-9 by how exactly? Working that day and then spending the weekend alone? Could I at least order a date, please? I would like one delivered for the Friday night and he wouldn't expire until Sunday night. That would taste better than any food.

OK so maybe we have to deal with reality instead? Maybe I should take the money accumulated in my challenge jar by that Friday and buy myself some flowers and the SATC movie then. But that means the challenge jar would be empty and I'd be starting all over again. Maybe I should take my auto loan bank up on their refinance offer which gives me one month without a payment. How nice of them to want to say happy birthday to me. I'll have to investigate further.

Work said bonuses are coming but 1. they might not be very much and 2. they might not arrive until January. I know I know I'm grateful, I am. But don't they know my birthday is coming up!? What's wrong with that global corporation!?

Sensory Overload

Warning: I'm toasted. Spent. Ready for the pasture. I've been around more people in 3 days than I would like to be in an entire year. The din of noise everywhere all the time is somewhat overwhelming. I am looking forward to peace and quiet. If these 3 days are what Vegas would be like for a week, I am not sure I can handle it.

Not sure what else to say, although I can just fill it up with a few photos from the Hard Rock Cafe. I always have been, and always will be, drawn to rock and roll music.



Mom and bro were too exhausted to go out. That was fine, because I've had enough of them and needed a break. And a drink. And I wanted a memory of here, something that said Foxwoods. I didn't see any shirts that fit. So I got this shot glass.



Buddy Holly:


Destiny's Child:


Brian Ferry:


Britney:


John Mellencamp:


Ritchie Sambora:


Chris Issak:


And in conclusion to this crazy fun-filled rollercoaster birthday extravaganza for Mom, is the soon-to-be winter sunset with some really classy snowflakes in the foreground. LOL



True Heart Girl is over and out. Do you copy?

Props to the Peeps

Special shoutout to two women in particular who are kicking it hard and accomplishing so much on this spring training challenge.

Deb: 7 lbs
Butterfly: 5.8 lbs

Also, Ms Carolina, you are trying so hard to walk that balance beam. I applaud you for living life to the fullest and trying to do the right thing -- for you. I am itching to update this loss for you, so stop teasing and weigh-in will ya?

Carolina Girl: 3 lbs

Mom's birthday party was the bomb. The entire staff at PRIME steakhouse treated her like royalty. I could not have spent my winnings on a better evening. It is rare I see my mother smile, so really we painted a wonderful picture of memories.



Pictured here is the carmelized apple tart with Tahitian vanilla ice cream. Split three ways = bad but not too bad!

Memorable Monday

I made this place work for me this morning. I am patting myself on the back. I may not be able to weigh in but I am exercising and eating as right as I can. This is life, and I'm going to live it.

First, I went for an incredible self-made workout outside. Who needs to pay $15 for the gym!? In 30 degree weather, I walked about 2 miles and I found a loop of a roadway that was about 70% incline up one side and down the other. I rocked it! Got my heart rate up high and broke a good sweat. And the key to it, I was smiling and feeling good the entire time.

Second, I made a healthy breakfast choice, although I do regret not bringing my protein powder. I may not lose while I'm here, but I am going to aim to maintain.

Third, I won $800 this morning! Wearing the Santa hat, which has now been deemed the lucky Santa hat.



Of course, nothing can be without reflection. That is just who I am. But notice I said reflection, not depression. Don't worry, just because I am reflective, I can still feel good.

As I walked, I wondered how many wildlife creatures were displaced for this place. And how much energy this place consumes. So much so that the sign asking guests to "be green" is really somewhat laughable. The slots, the tables, and the music never stop, 24/7. But I countered that thought with how many jobs this place must give to the local community. This is just one of the 4 hotels here:



Of course, after I took the photo of the MGM Grand, I noticed someone following me. Of course, my shadow, can't seem to shake that girl! What struck me as amusing and interesting, when I first saw her, was that she reminded me of a Native American statue. I swear I wasn't posing. Perhaps I am channeling my inner totem?





What remains after the excitement of this day, is the subtle reality. I am actually sitting in Panera Bread (and if you don't know Panera, my god, it is the sublime bread of chain breads...yumlicous carb city!) because it is the ONLY place here that allows wireless -- if you can believe it! The hotels still have "plug-in for high speed internet" only access. Anyway, the key is that I haven't eaten a single piece of food from here, and those who know me well might recall that I used to consume an entire loaf of semolina bread. I am somewhat tempted to go get a slice, but I'm not going to. I can actually sit here and resist it. I know I can. Because the reality is that one piece of bread isn't going to be enough. Not for me. Not yet, not right now. So I won't have any. Just one look at the incredibly obese people all around me is enough of a reminder to me that this country is on the very wrong track when it comes to eating and portions. Now that that seems to be the trend, I am going against it. I was never one to go with the trend! Yay!

Besides, tonight I will celebrate the win with a fabulous dinner for Mom and brother!

Live from Foxwoods...

...it's Suuuuuunday niiiiight!

Although I've put myself into a bit of a food coma, I'm having a lot of fun. Mom is laughing a lot and my brother is a tremendous help. Although she refuses to look into the camera, at least she agreed to be in the photo at all. We all look so blurry-eyed but none of us have had a drink.

This is my "I won $200" grin:



And look at my lovely dark non-gray hair, the sunset was so warm on my face:



And finally, I encountered a bridge that was BEAUTIFUL! Of course, it helped that it wasn't over water. The gorgeous Zakim bridge:

A Few Days Gone

Well I'm heading off in the AM to Massachusetts and Connecticut. I'm going for Mom (who is doing well and looking forward to her casino trip) but all I really want to do is curl up and sleep the week away. I'll have all my electronics with me, so I may be able to post something here if the hotel doesn't charge for the internet. I think they charge for everything because if you're not downstairs gambling, they've got to make money off you somehow.

So if I don't get here, enjoy a week without me!

Challenge Update

To my knowledge, this is as accurate as the information I have been given. You may have an update for me, so please don't be shy in correcting me!

Collectively challengers, in 28 complete days, we've lost 23.6 lbs! AWESOME!

Carolina Girl: 3 lbs
Deb: 6 lbs
Fab Kate: 3 lbs
Manda31: 5 lbs
Butterfly: 3.6 lbs
Me: 3 lbs

These five other women inspire me daily. They all have very different, complicated lives, and they're all making the effort to put themselves first, put their health first, and treat themselves and their bodies with respect. My hat's off to you!

86 days left until spring training! 86 days left until Valentine's Day!

Imagine if we could lose a collective 86 lbs!? I think that's like $2,000 in Godiva chocolate terms. Just sayin'...we're worth much more than that!

It could happen! If you dream it, you can achieve it.

My Fear of Bridges

morning weight: 273 lbs

Before I get to the post I wanted to write yesterday, let me first congratulate anyone who is sticking it out on the Spring Training / Valentine's Day Challenge. Feel free to check in with your progress at any time. Are you rewarding yourself? We're entering week 5 today and it is definitely a struggle. What I'm telling myself is that what happened yesterday is gone. This is a lifestyle change, not a rush to drop a ton of weight quickly.

I had Chinese food. Including white rice. And I enjoyed it. And tomorrow I have to take my team out for pizza (their choice) to celebrate a huge project ending. And I will enjoy that too. So I know I won't have a lot of loss this week because I will have consumed simple carbs which is my enemy. But I know I can maintain with exercise.

So if you're plateauing, remember it is better stall than it is to gain. And if you gain a pound, it isn't the end of the world. Keep exercising, keep drinking water, the weight will come off. Expend more energy than you take in. I say this to myself who must go to the gym tonight.

As I mentioned the bridge nightmare on Saturday, I had a deja vu moment that I wrote about this before, but when it comes to this topic, I can't really be 100% sure of anything. Because this is my phobia. I refer to it briefly here, but I can't seem to find the entire post I honestly thought I already wrote. So if you're reading something you already know, please just lead me back to my rocking chair and get me a cup of tea.

So here's the back story...

My fear has been with me as long as I can remember. Which is to say that there isn't a time frame in my memory I can look back on when I was not afraid of bridges. I wish there was. I have had hypnosis therapy to deal with a traumatic experience of seeing a bridge collapse in Connecticut repeatedly on television when I was about 9 or 10 years old.



The root of my fear is that it will collapse while I am on the center span. My secondary fear is that I will witness it collapsing and people dying but I myself will be spared. My lower level fear is that I will one day see a jumper. I've been in traffic because of one, I've read about them, but I haven't seen one. And I hope I never do. I hear New Yorkers shout at them to jump. Can you imagine?

The extreme edge of the fear, the very worst, the complete paralyzing and hyperventilating aspects have, for the most part, been controlled. But it still grips me every now and then. Which is what happened on Friday when the radio reported that the 10 mile backup to the bridge was due to the fact that a hole had opened up in the span and three cars sustained damage yet the bridge was still open and cars were crossing. I sat paralyzed with fear for a long time, until it got down to 2 exits left of escape. I have gotten off before. I have turned around. I have gone home. And some times I have been able to talk myself out of it. There were things in that office I needed to get, things I needed to do that I didn't want to put off and have to go in on Saturday. So I forced myself to stay in the far left lane and not move over three lanes of traffic to get off. But the result of that was I pulled every muscle in my right shoulder and neck because I tensed up so much. I was doing deep breathing exercises, I was talking to Sena and I'm pretty sure she was there with me, licking my tears.



I must cross this bridge twice a day, and no, there is no other option. It is a long bridge, more than one mile long. I only have photos of the mid-section because that is the part that haunts me. Most of the bridge is on pilings and only the mid-section is without support beneath it. This is the part they call the center span. Traffic always backs up on the span because there are tolls to pay at the end.

When you've crested the span and you're coming off on the eastbound side, you can turn your head and see the NYC skyline. It has a sense of beauty to it, but usually I just feel an extreme queasy sense of uneasy relief.



And then I cough up my $4.50 for the right to be so frightened. This is why I don't need to pay money to see horror movies. I have enough fear in real life.

The Miss List

The rain has made it impossible to rake the 2 tons of leaves in my yard. They're now soaking wet to the point where I don't know what I will do.

Yesterday's nightmare with the bridge (I'll get to it in good time) has me nursing a pinched nerve in the shoulder which wouldn't be conducive to yard work anyway, but I would have done it since time is running out.

So while waiting for my massage appointment, I'm compiling a "I Miss" list. This may be a little too Nicholas Sparks for some of you, but it's my blog. And I hear this is supposed to be therapeutic. Hope so.

I miss...

--The way my gorgeous Sena's coat felt when I hugged her.
--How Sena used to lick away my tears. (Chad -though I love him- is clueless.)
--Pancakes.
--Sleeping in the arms of a man, comforted by his heartbeat.
--Pancakes made by previously sleeping man.
--Snow so deep you can't open the front door.
--Watching the kittens play. (They were Violet and Smoky Jo, they're gone.)
--Outback fries and those crazy Aussie-named drinks. (Lisa!)
--The smell of horse manure, wood shavings, hay, molasses, and grain.
--Pulling on previously sleeping man's shirt and being wrapped in his scent.
--Macaroni and cheese.
--Looking into someone's eyes and having them look back into yours.
--Laughing with someone at the television or a movie.
--The way it feels to be hugged from behind.
--Lake Chauncey in Westborough, MA.
--Trusting other people.
--Foreign accents calling my name.
--Walking on the beach.
--Dinner out and blonde moments. (Sweden!)
--Uno's pizza.

272

morning weight: 272 lbs

Down another pound. It is vital that I see results when I'm getting back into exercising and weight training. Absolutely vital. The validation is key for me not slipping into the comfort eating zone. I can almost see the 260s ahead of me.

Happy Thursday people, the weekend is almost here.

I'll Be There (For Me)

This is how the conversation in my head went on my hour-long commute home today. I assure you I'm not schizophrenic. And while I'm making a disclaimer, I'm also not making fun of anyone who is; this is just how it sounds in my head, posted for your amusement and perhaps commiseration. And in case you're wondering, the one-woman Broadway show starts next year.

Me: Wow, gotta stay awake. I'm so tired. I wish someone would give me a hug.
Compulsive Me: Well there is no one.

Me: I wish someone was coming home to me tonight.
Compulsive Me: Well there isn't.

Me: I'm so lonely.
Compulsive Me: Yup.

Me: I'm so tired.
Compulsive Me: Yup.

Me: I'm so tired of being lonely and tired.
Compulsive Me: Yup.

Me: I want a bacon cheeseburger and fries from Five Guys Burgers & Fries.
Compulsive Me: Oh yes you do. Yes Yes Yes.

Me: Wait, no. No. I don't.
Compulsive Me: Yes you do. You'll feel better.

Me: No I won't.
Compulsive Me: Yes, you will. The comfort feeling in your stomach will ease the empty feeling of being lonely.

Me: Only for maybe 10 minutes. It isn't worth it.
Compulsive Me: It's better than nothing.

Me: No, it isn't better than nothing.
Compulsive Me: Yes it is.

Me: Shit, I better call someone.
Compulsive Me: Oh yeah, the lifeline. Good luck with that.

1st lifeline: *ring ring* No answer.
2nd lifeline: *ring ring* No answer.
3rd lifeline: *ring ring* No answer.

Me: Sigh. F.U.C.K.
Compulsive Me: People can't be there for you all the time, spoiled brat.

Me: No but why does it seem when I really need someone, there's no one.
Compulsive Me: Because you just have to go it alone. We all just go it alone in the end.

Me: So, is this the end? Is this all there is? A constant struggle to lose weight, find a guy, and avoid carbs for the rest of my life?
Compulsive Me: Yup.

Me: Great.
Compulsive Me: Soooo, how about that cheeseburger and fries...

Me: No.
Compulsive Me: Come on.

Me: No. I'm not stopping.
Compulsive Me: Sigh. Poopyhead.

Me: STFU, I'm turning on some tuneage!

And tuneage I did turn on. I cranked my absolute favorite Jovi song repeatedly the entire drive home. Complete with tears. Music is always there.



This long, live version is done especially soulfully by Ritchie (reminds me of Stevie Ray).

Anyway, please don't worry, if you're one of my lifelines. I made it through the crisis and lived to tell about it. No one was harmed, despite the full moon.



Speaking of which, have you seen the November full moon? Go look. It is gorgeous.

So, what do you know, I AM starting to catch my behavior a bit. When I found myself thinking about visiting my mother on her apparent future trip to the casino of her choice, I was first filled with apprehension because my mother equals stress to me and stress to me equals food. But I managed to stop the full-fledged panic by telling myself to look into the gym at the hotel. Well, as it turns out, the gym is $15/day per guest. Yikes. I guess they'd rather you were gambling and eating. But still, it made me think that maybe I could take a walk around the grounds outside or maybe even just pay the $15 at least one day and that way if I couldn't resist temptation, perhaps I could balance it out a bit.

I don't know. While I know I have to plan, I also know I can't think too far ahead.

I have all I can do to gather the energy to get to the gym tonight.

Weight-lifter, weight-shifter

$10 in my reward jar.

I went to the gym again. Weights. 50 lbs weights for crunches; 30 lbs for the butterfly press; 50 lbs for the leg press.

I am soooo tired.

And.....why do all the leaves have to fall in MY yard? I might have to do that tonight instead of the gym.

Lucky 7s and 3s

morning weight: 273 lbs

I am in as much shock as you. Another pound. I weighed 5 times, about 2 minutes apart, just to make sure I was a. awake and b. not suddenly in need of glasses. This is quite an after-TOM whoosh. I will credit water for this. And exercise.

I was just intending to write about my workout last night, but now it feels extra special.

I had my personal best on the treadmill last night.

70 minutes - 3 miles - heart max 145 - 700 calories burned

That extra 10 minutes really helped. I set the hill routine again. I can't believe I can say I like it. I really like it. It helped to be watching a fast-paced show (My Own Worst Enemy).

And it looks like I'm taking off the week of Thanksgiving from work because my staff will all be gone between Christmas and New Year's and I will have to be around then so I get to take off now. Also a good time to get some planning done when the office is quiet before the New Year so I don't mind. Seems I'll be alone again anyway.

I will go see my Mom, who I have to tell you, hopes to be well enough to be motor-scootering around Foxwoods casino - all at my brother-the-motivator's planning! Just the thought that she is even thinking and anticipating something in her future is amazing. She used to say she'd rather be dead than drive one of those motorized carts around, but I guess she's come to see that if she compromises she can still have something she enjoys.

I wonder if I can learn that lesson. Will I ever be able to compromise and having something I enjoy? Right now it seems all or nothing. But I had years of wallowing in what I enjoyed, so I must remember that. And strive for moderation in the future.

I hope we all have a great day Tuesday.

SP / VT Challenge Check-In

morning weight: 274 lbs

Phew I lost a pound. Yay me.

If you're wondering about that Anysoldier icon, check out my Sunday post.

How are all my Challengers doing? We are well under the 100 day mark! Tough week ahead? I hear you.

I have changed up my food plan for the week. I'm going grilled chicken with spinach and greens salads for the lunches and whey protein shakes and mini Luna bars for dinners. Also going to aim for 6 days at the gym. 3 cardio days and 3 resistance training days.

Have you planned your week? Not too late!

Somebody to Love

Here's my song of the moment (George sings Freddie's part pretty well):



I was feeling pretty sorry for myself but luckily that didn't last long.

You may notice that I added a link above Sena's photo (that RARELY happens because she's my alpha angel of everything) but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't mind between now and New Year's.

Please send a care package to a soldier this holiday season. Some of the things they need are razors and body wash, wet wipes, and especially coffee (in the single packets) is a treasured item. We're all struggling with the economy but I find that if I add a few items to my grocery shop, it doesn't feel like a large financial burden. The post office also has special rates for military if you send it in one of their boxes. When you're there make sure you pick up the customs form and fill it out ahead of time.

Not sure what else to send, or if you want to send a package to one of the 4 branches of military specifically, the site will tell you all the details you need to know. Don't wait. Some packages arrive in a week, some take a month. This page has specific soldiers with specific requests.

There are many soldiers who have no family and get no personal mail. I've been writing to a 22 year old in Afghanistan who is just so beside himself with heartache over the loss of a buddy recently. He was in Iraq first and says he can sleep a little better now in Afghanistan. They have internet access but no new underwear or socks; isn't that odd?

I didn't agree with the decision to invade Iraq for the reasons the Bush administration gave. And I don't agree with how the war has been handled. But one thing is certain, I do support the men and women of our volunteer military. They're out there risking their lives, by choice, for about $600/week as a private. Can you put a price on the cost of an American life? How about any human life, from any country?

Let's get the job done and let's get them home.

My Friday

morning weight: 275 lbs

Haven't lost a bleeping thing. Three workouts this week.

I was going to wait until Monday but I personally need a little weekend courage, so I'm sending a special shout-out to Soxy Deb for her incredible loss: 6 lbs in two weeks! Way to go Deb! I made a little encouragement blingy for you:



So what did you do with your Friday?

I went to see Zack and Miri Make a Porno. I just liked telling the name to the ticket attendant. I found it hilarious. So either I'm desperate for comedy or my tastes are changing. Oh if only I were thin, I could have a 2nd career!

Of course, I didn't eat well yesterday. Total consumption: two cups of tea and a small bag of popcorn. Yeah that's it. And of course, I woke up this morning starving. An actual Poohbear rumbly tumbly.

But I can say that I have found a new way to love the treadmill. I had always been afraid to try the hill workout on it, and last night I finally just told myself well, if I fall off, I fall off and if my leg muscles start to cramp, I can just stop it. Come to find out, the machine lets you set the speed, which made a huge difference. I liked how it varied and I never knew when it would happen. Kept me alert. And I have $7.00 in my reward jar. What is that, like one rose?

However, I did feel a bit like a geek loser to be at the gym on Friday night at 10 pm. Just me and Lipstick Jungle. When they cast shows off to Fridays, doesn't that mean they're ready to pull the plug? Or just that they're hoping to catch the larger demographic of women who have no family or no dates to which I fall into rather deeply.

Spoke to Mom and she's doing well in her rehab with her physical therapy. She is back to her stubborn mindset and deciding which parts of the doctor's orders she's going to listen to and which she isn't. Turns out the cysts on her liver had been growing for ten years. WTF. Sigh. Well, at least they're gone. Her belly button is sore, something she feels will never recover, the number of times she's had a scope in there. Oh well Mom, you're about to turn octogenarian, let's be thankful for the little things right? Like not having cancer. OK that's a big thing.

Got to the email stage with another Chemistry_Not.com guy. Red Sox fan. Near Philly. Can quote 80s movies. Divorced, two kids. In Pharma industry. Not super cute but not fugly. We'll see. Technically too far away for a relationship, but if we meet and there are sparks, I think I should follow it. Haven't had any combustion in a long time. Trying to stay open, so lightning can strike. Anytime now, anytime.

PMS Queen

Some of you have checked in on the challenge. Does anyone else want to check in on the challenge? It began two Mondays ago. I'm keeping a tally on the post that is dedicated to the challenge, click on the image to the right or right here.

Today's inspiration, Back in Skinny Jeans: Don't Self-Sabotage Yourself!

I know I learned something from that lesson on self-sabotage. Hope you did too.

I haven't lost anything in 7 days. PMS is an ugly thing. Some women swear by Midol, but it doesn't seem to do anything for me, including dropping water so I could drop a pound.

Here are some things I do swear by:

- Liquid egg whites
- Body Fortress whey protein
- MINI Luna bars (not the full size!) Emergencies only to replace grabbing that holiday snickers in the office.
- one tablespoon of light virgin olive oil (Cooked with one or two pounds of meat it isn't that much fat on a weekly basis, it is the good kind of fat, and it will keep you from being constipated.)
- Greek nonfat yogurt (yes, there's a HUGE difference, look for it)
- Water

I exercised on Monday night. I hit the treadmill hard, using their "fat burn" workout in which the bloody thing had me going up a 6.0 incline at times to keep my target 140 heart rate. It was intense.

Speaking of exercise, I will go again tonight. Even with my period. Unless I get some awful pain beforehand. Does anyone else still exercise when your TOM is here? I've read that exercise during that timeframe helps. Just don't overdo it.

Vote

I couldn't resist this funny yet poignant video that was sent to me.

I don't care WHO you want to vote for...and I don't want to know!
I don't even care if you want to write in "Mickey and Minny Mouse."

JUST VOTE!



I just read that tricks are being played all across the country in attempts to get people not to vote on Tuesday. Flyers at campuses and in urban areas telling people that police will arrest anyone with a prior record, that they're not allowed to vote, and even such things as being told to vote on Wednesday instead of Tuesday.

Wow....and we dare to point our fingers at the corruption of other country's elections?

Just Another Sunday

Well, Mom asked that no one come to visit her. She's too exhausted. She's not even answering the phone in her room. So, her wish is ours to respect. There's talk of her moving to a rehab location which I think will be helpful in her long-range recovery. There's still no results on the cysts that were removed from her liver. Nothing is as instant as it is on Grey's and ER I guess.

My weekend has been one of absolute solitude, except for Duncan and Chad of course, and I am thinking it is exactly what a lot of people would wish for, but I wish I had someone to spend at least some of the time with me. Yesterday, I spent 5 hours mulching the leaves in the front and back yards. The landlords sure got the better end of this rental deal. But I prefer having control over who comes in and out of the back yard anyway, so mostly I don't complain. It is just that there are 6 huge trees that shed their leaves into my fenced area. It is a lot of effort for one person.

My reward for that hard work? I made a fire outside and curled up on the lawn chaise bundled in a wool coat and blanket and just let my thoughts drift off.

Silence seems to be the new style of rejection. I'll never understand it. Men are bollocks-less fools. Two months left on my Chemistry_NOT.com membership. Then what?

The squirrels are so fat here already, the coming winter must be a hard one. I hope so! I hope it snows a ton!

My birthday is about a month away. I have no plans for it now that Seattle is gone, nor any money saved for it thanks to my business trip last month. But, the yearly bonus will come in right around then, so hopefully, I can do SOMETHING for myself. I would like to buy myself a new life.

Speaking of which, I have to begin planning my trip for next September. Italy may be too expensive from all indications. Ireland may have to do. Oh I watch far too many movies.