morning weight: 256 lbs
"You're gonna have to face it,
You're addicted to love."
Except, Robert Palmer was singing about sex, not love.
14 days earlier, I weighed 256. One step up, two steps down, anyone?
Yes, I'm exercising my ass off. Yes, for the most part I enjoy it. But am I really getting anywhere?
Anyway, on to other thoughts. When I started this last June, I read many people's experiences that basically indicated "As you go through a 100+ or more weight loss process, be prepared for other things in your life to come sharply into focus."
Well, I can see how I have been trying to fill the void within me with food, but now I can also see that I have been trying to fill the void within me with other things as well.
After four years, I've finally realized that I've been using Lenny to fill something missing in myself. And when he hasn't wanted to meet those gaps (which were huge even by normal relationship standards), I would comfort myself with, you guessed it, food. My line of thinking has been "Oh he can't spend time with me this weekend? That's OK, I'll eat this and this and this, I'll go to dinner by myself because I don't need a man AND I'll eat an entire blahblahblah." Further insulating myself and reversely enforcing the self-imposed negative thought I've had that "He'd spend time with you if you looked better." The reality is, he's never cared about my weight, outside of a passing interest IF I expressed concern about it. I thought it meant "Oh he just likes me the way I am, isn't that sweet." Kill the butterflies and harps people. The reality is what he wanted was never the complete package. Rather, he cultivated a saucy flavorful means to an end, his pleasurable end. Despite all his "soul mate, better half, can't wait to raise puppies with you" talk to the contrary. His actions never followed through. He is just another bad addiction of mine, something I used to both comfort myself and make myself feel lousy.
Food and sex. And love. What else could I possibly be addicted to? Oh yes, the internet.
Anyway, it's been awhile now that I've been rebuffing his advances, and yesterday when he, yet again, texted me his interest for a romp (mind you, not dinner or a movie or anything involving actually wanting to BE with the other person in a non-sexual way), I had to say to him, "I'm sorry but you're part of what's wrong with me. And if you're a part of what's wrong, you can't be part of the solution. I have to fix myself."
And that my friends, means (in my best Seinfeld Soup Nazi voice):
"NO SEX FOR YOU!"
Excuse me, while I quietly go insane now. :-|
Losing Weight; Finding Men
"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."