Revelation = Revolution

I've had a bit of a revelation. Let's face it....and, by the way, this is not sour grapes...

I am GLAD....no, THRILLED actually....that Mr Listener is not attracted to this 265 lb body. I mean, far more people are far more overweight and far less appealing in other ways personality-wise etc, however I'm talking about me, not anyone else.

In fact, if I am downright honest with myself, I'd be worried if he was attracted to this body because that would mean a great chance he wouldn't truly want me to be the best I could be, he wouldn't want me to change for the better, and he would unknowingly assist in derailing my motivation.

Instead he has stated what is quite obviously the main glitch in my future happiness, with myself and with anyone.

Granted, the body is merely the vessel, the shell, that encloses the really important stuff. But it should still be the way that I would like it to be rather than as an afterthought and full of future health issues.

It seems even clearer now to me that nothing is more important than resolving this issue in my life, because until it is I cannot live the life I envision and deserve.

~sigh~

So, I've started reading (yes, I know, I have about SEVEN books I've "started" reading!) The Gabriel Method and listening to the visualization CD. Two days only so far. Interesting stuff. He was on the Today show.



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Thursday, April 30
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 73
AVERAGE heart rate: 135
Max heart rate: 166
Workout mode: CARDIO set at 155 HR @ 2.8 mph
Calories: 301 Distance: 1.27 Time: 30:00

Note: Just could not do more. Felt weak. But at least I went.

Exit Stage Right

And now we interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this breaking news.

Otherwise known as some background on the unconditional love question....

Exit stage right: Mr Listener, the potential lover
Enter stage left: Mr Listener, the workout partner

*sigh*

And the crowd goes quiet.

Mr Listener and I had a long, long talk. A very honest, open, heart-to-heart talk. I pressed him to reveal how he felt about me. I felt something wasn't quite right, and that I was much more interested in him than he was in me. Well, that seems partly true at this time. Do we ever know what the future will hold? No we don't.

He listed about 20-25 attributes and qualities of mine that he is attracted to. Honestly, it went on so long, and was so detailed, I started to blush. No one has stated a list like that to me. Everything from intelligence to humor, to shapely sexy lips and an apparent certain look I have in my eyes, I do think he used the word smoldering. Yes, I was feeling, um well, like I was flying actually.

But.

There's always a but, isn't there?

There is in my life.

(And let me tell ya folks, her ass is huge! Ba-da boom.)

No seriously....there's always a but....

But...there's one thing, in his words exactly, that he is not attracted to: My body. And I quote, "I'm attracted to thin."

Right. Who isn't?

To which I laughed. Out loud. And loudly. Because I've never been "thin" a day in my life, and he knows that. He's seen the baby photo album. He knew my body size from the photos and from the first day he met me.

And he still spent ALL of his free time with me. Because....? Because I'm fucking incredible, that's why! So "What the hell are you doing with me for the last 6 weeks..." is turning over in my head (I did not speak this) as he goes on to explain more.

That he likes me SO much in so many other ways, that he's waiting to see, he'd like to spend a few months...seeing if there will be enough of a change...physically.

Sounds shallow, I agree. But if that is important enough to him the way that not smoking is important enough to me, I can understand it. In a few month's time he might know me much better, to the point where I begin to be more attractive to him. Who knows. Let's keep it in perspective and remember this is a man who settled previously, marrying someone he knew he didn't love, thought he could grow to love, and now considers her to be lacking in any type of intelligence.

Don't worry, I hear you all shouting. I'm NOT settling! And, technically, neither should he. I never want ANOTHER guy to tell me he IS attracted to me when the reality is all he wants is sex with a warm body. So, at least we're not repeating that mistake.

Let me make something perfectly clear to those of you who will want to jump on this guy and beat him to a pulp (and I do appreciate my bitch brigade, believe me). I wanted to hear the truth. Above all else. And I got it. That is so refreshing compared to the lies I've heard over and over.

What sticks in my mind is that true feelings for someone exist or develop IN SPITE of their shortcomings or their flaws or their areas of improvement.

So, it'll either be or it won't be. What's most important is that I continue losing weight for myself, not for anyone else's expectations.

Interestingly, tonight....we went to the gym together. Yes, I invited him to my sacred shrine because he's in a 21-day study with a trainer for free (promotional thing the gym is doing). And he saw how hard I work. And he was impressed, but I didn't try to impress him. I know my workout kicks ass. The numbers speak for themselves.

And as I pounded that treadmill, I was in good spirits. I thought, "Don't worry, if he doesn't want you now or when you've reached your goal, there will be plenty of others who will. You're going to just ooze confidence and sensuality even more than you do now."

And then I smiled at him and thought, "Wow, he's so out of shape, he can't even hold 2.4 speed for 20 minutes. And he thinks he's going to get a woman with a Halle Berry body? Hahaha."

Perhaps there will be a chapter in the future in which Mr Listener, the potential lover, will return to the stage, or maybe not. Life's a mystery.

I'm not looking. I'm not calling out "Next." I'm just going to see where the road of friendship takes me with him. If I have anything to say about it, it will lead me into the 50s, 40s, and 30s.



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Tuesday, April 28
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 73
AVERAGE heart rate: 145
Max heart rate: 163
Workout mode: CARDIO set at 155 HR @ 2.4-2.8 mph
Calories: 920 Distance: 2.71 Time: 65:00

Note: Doing this while Mr Listener was in the building with me is a huge accomplishment from the woman who used to only be able to work out in the middle of the night.

Concept or Fact

Unconditional love.

Does it exist between humans?

Or is it simply a romantic notion?

After all, I have some conditions. He can't be a smoker, for example.

Among many other things.

Pedophile.
Serial killer.
Animal hater.
Cross-dresser. Just doesn't float my boat.
Republican. Believe me, I tried.


...


Just asking the question...can unconditional love exist between two humans?

I know we can and should love ourselves unconditionally; but how many of us do?

I know those are two different questions.

But I'm just asking.

Gotta stay rational, you know. Hormones and all that.

Sigh.

My head is a mess. Never mind the heart.

Broken Lawnmowers

How is it 3 weeks have gone by?

Hell, T.o.M. is here again. I know the 2 lb gain will disappear. I just can't believe another 3 weeks have gone by.

It is way too hot here way too soon. 89, 90, 92 degrees. In April. Not my idea of fun in any way. And the dogs are just besides themselves. Especially Lo, who can't seem to get cool. Next paycheck, I have to buy a big old waterbed for her. Chad's old one sprung a leak over the winter.

Mr Listener and I are doing well for the most part, although he seems ultra paranoid about bugs and diseases (I haven't even tried to discuss the swine flu with him, good god). And we've both noticed that we have some misunderstandings either when he's lacking sleep or I'm in pain. So if we could just avoid those two things, we'd never have a disagreement. Haha. But I know, disagreements are a vital important part of keeping one's identity in a relationship, yadda yadda yadda. I just prefer the old hug and kiss part. The good thing is we both recognize this is happening and we both address it immediately.

My back gave me quite a twinge again yesterday after a day of feeling great. WTF. Seems it didn't like me planting sunflowers seeds or picking up the yard. And my "new last year" lawnmower is broken for the 2nd time in its short life. Mr Listener couldn't figure it out, though he tried so hard. I'm sure it was frustrating for him.

I've heard of a repair shop. Will have to bring it in. Meanwhile, the jungle grows...

"In the jungle
the mighty jungle
the lion sleeps tonight..."

Duncan says, "Just chill....stretch,
and take a nap in the hammock already will ya?"

~

Oh yes, and my Sox swept the Yankers. And Tek hit a grand slam. That means folks, bases were loaded and he hit a home run. With one swing of the bat, he earned the team 4 runs on the board. It was a game-changing moment. So all of his critics can just shut up now. Ha!

Land of Hope and Dreams

"Grab your ticket and your suitcase
Thunder's rolling down the tracks
You don't know where you're goin'
But you know you won't be back
Darlin' if you're weary
Lay your head upon my chest
We'll take what we can carry
And we'll leave the rest"

I can't believe I'm going to say this,
but I think the man below healed my back on Friday. *LOL*

Can I get an AMENNNN!?

These blurry photos are simply evidence
that I was that close!

Yes, we were 3 rows from the side of the stage
and yes I was surprised.
Who would have thought row J
would have us 3 rows from the stage....

Believe me, that's partial shock you see on our faces.

It was wonderful to see my Mom
laugh, smile, clap, dance, shout.
I didn't think she had much of that left,
but if anyone can bring it out, it is Bruuuuce.

I love that I got to share another night of memories
with the woman who brought me into this world.
This was her 5th Bruce concert (and my 18th).

Special thanks to my sister for watching the dogs!
We do love us some Springsteen!

Got My Rock On

Come on Bruce, I need a shot of that special electric vibe. There's nowhere else I'd rather be tonight...


My mother is supposed to join me. I hope so. This is the one man who has made her smile, dance, and forget her pain temporarily over the many years. I hope the miracle happens again tonight.

Back Pain

awesomeness...

Well I have some good news and some bad news.

The bad news is that the back pain of August 12 has returned. Out of the blue, OK well, technically, probably brought on by the 15 30-gallon bags of leaves I handled on the weekend.

What sucks is that it doesn't seem to be going away. Interestingly enough, the weight was the same in August.

However....the good news....

Mr Listener has been really super sweet, and he spent every free moment of his two days off with me, looking after me, and hang on to your hats ladies, even watching SITC with me (HIS choice). I know....and he's NOT playing for the other team! He laughed at all the same spots!

It was like a mini weekend escape. I think I'm going to like Mondays and Tuesdays like I've never enjoyed them before.






______________

Monday, April 20
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 78
AVERAGE heart rate: 145
Max heart rate: 157
Workout mode: CARDIO @ 2.6 mph
Calories: 724 Distance: 2.62 Time: 65:00

Note: HR reached and leveled out at 7/8 incline @ 2.6 mph. I can go slower with a steeper incline and still burn a lot of cals. Faster seems to strain my knees too much.

______________

Saturday, April 18
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 78
AVERAGE heart rate: 142
Max heart rate: 159
Workout mode: CARDIO @ 2.4 mph
Calories: 778 Distance: 2.47 Time: 65:00

Note: HR reached and leveled out at 10/11 @2.4 mph.

DogsWalk Against Cancer

In this hard economic time, it is true and undeniable that people feel they can barely take care of themselves, let alone give to others in need. And then there are those heartbreaking stories of people with mentally unhinged thoughts murdering their spouses, their children, and then themselves as the only way out of a hard situation. I don't know about you, but I can barely read the news; I'm too sensitive to the emotions it evokes.

And even though I haven't mention it, because it is just plain too emotional to talk about, I've been very sad lately because my sweet Sena's birthday came and she would have been 13 if cancer hadn't taken her (as well as wiped out 90% of her entire litter).

Recently I learned about the American Cancer Society Dogswalk to raise funds for both human AND animal cancer research. Now I am starting to feel better because I can actively participate in helping others who may face the same sorrow I did.

As a result, I have formed Team SMK* to participate in Dogswalk Against Cancer, a unique event on May 3 in Riverside Park to raise money in support of the American Cancer Society's mission to fight cancer in people and animals.

Please take a look at Team SMK's fundraising page, and either join the team or make a secure online donation. Your donation could be as little as $5 and it will help in reaching our goal before May 3. All contributions are tax deductible and will support the lifesaving research, education, advocacy, and patient service programs of the American Cancer Society.

Every bit helps, so thank you in advance for any support you can provide.

Go Team SMK!

*SMK stands for Sena, Murphy, Kasey: the names of my family's dogs lost to cancer.

No Binge Baseball

I filled 15 30-gallon bags of dead wet leaves today. I want a damn medal, because I'm sorry but the energy and physical ability it took to do that is heroic in my book.

OK so I'm getting better about the restaurant + food thing, but I'm still struggling with the baseball game + food thing.

What's so tough about it is that I'm not doing anything else while watching the game. And the games last for hours. I know, you're thinking what a waste of time. Hey, it is my enjoyment, I don't care if you don't like baseball. You like something I don't, I'm sure. Like...planting pansies!

So back to my problem...logically, the thing to do is to have a planned meal during the game, and then maybe multitask, which is lousy because then I feel like I'm not watching the game. And before anyone suggests that I exercise while watching the game, right now I'm limited to watching games on the non-wireless laptop (yes, that's a fan for you...no TV option here!) so that setup leaves maybe some room for stretching, but nothing cardio here at the desk (except maybe when I see Tek on the screen).

Maybe I should taking up knitting....Origami...?

Hmmm....maybe I should brush the dogs while watching the game.

Yes.

(The dogs say no.)

I might win this one.

Replacement Addiction

Positive: 14 lbs lost in 2009, that's a good thing!

Thanks for all the notes and smoke signals asking me how I am and how everything is going. Things are going better than they have been since I started this blog, which is interesting as I find myself somewhat at a loss for what to write about.

It is entirely possible that the last single gentleman in Jersey has wandered his way into my life. And it appears as if he's setting up camp to stay a while. And I don't quite know what to do with that beautiful information. I find myself not even wanting to speak of it, for the thought that I may overthink things and/or wake up from the "relationship beginnings" honeymoon phase.

We have spent Sunday evening, Monday evening, Tuesday evening, and Wednesday evening together. I don't know many heterosexual men who could willingly fall asleep with someone they feel is attractive. Mr Listener and I have fallen asleep together twice now, once at his place and once at my place, like two tired people who just want the warmth and contentment of another special person's presence. How's that for taking it slow? Feels pretty good to me. I can't recall ever doing that before. He's really opened up and tells me things like: "You turn me on, physically and intellectually, you have so many things I am looking for in more ways than one. I haven't felt this way in a long time. Thank you." which is another element I'm left baffled about. I can visualize his words in the atmosphere of toxicity that is the outer world and they're so precious and fragile, I feel like I'm running around trying to put them in glass case to preserve for the museum. "Here are the words of the last single Jersey gentleman, spoken or written in week 6."

But...haven't I been here before? Or is this all new territory? The warm gooey lightheaded sensation feels familiar. My friends can attest to the gushing I've done in the past over men who have ended up hurting me, so I am relying on them to keep me level-headed. But things with Mr Listener seem new because he has some traits I have not experienced before: He listens, he expresses his emotions when he has them, he gives compliments and gives thanks for compliments quite well, he has a curious nature that matches mine to a T. I don't know what else...I'll have to think on it. Oh, he's also very keyed in to MY goals, and offering help and support. Which I have to admit I was fretting over. A guy who can get you any type of food anytime you want it....how would that help me, I thought. Well, it is helping me, it is helping me learn how not to indulge just because I'm in a restaurant setting. Just because I go there to hang out, doesn't mean I have to eat. Whoa, is that a wondrous revelation. Still a struggle as the smell of cheese fries wafts over to the table of teenagers, but then I just look at Mr Listener and I think that his kisses taste better than those fries ever will.

Yup, replacement addiction. I'm on it.


______________

Thursday, April 16
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 78
AVERAGE heart rate: 135
Workout mode: RANDOM level 13 @ 2.6/2.8/3.0 mph
Calories: 662 Distance: 2.72 Time: 65:00

Note: Still no where near 150 for an average heart rate but good to just be back on track and making movement that doesn't hurt. My knee hurt a bit after Sunday's effort. So I'm glad to see that went away. Very important not to shorten stride but extend it as much as possible.

______________

Sunday, April 12
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 78
AVERAGE heart rate: 132
Workout mode: RANDOM level 13 @ 2.8 mph
Calories: 676 Distance: 2.70 Time: 65:00

Note: Trying to get back on track after being away for 5 days!

OhNoBo-Obama

1. The dog is dragging her.
2. They need a different collar for him.
3. They need an intervention...anyone? Anyone? Anyone? Cesar?
(Or that Brit chick? The Queen could lend her to us, surely...)

Fenway SRO

This is a simulation of what Standing Room Only looks
like at "Left Field Coke Deck" at Fenway.

Actually, this shows MORE of the field
and less of the GIANT HEADS than reality.
Yes, that's right, you cannot see the game.
But they'll sell you a ticket to get in
and you can watch it on the million TVs instead?!

However, this is what a crafty fan does with a bad situation:
She strides her way right over to the
MONSTER SRO with a wink and a smile.
Yeah Soxy Deb, this rocked!
Lester got lit up, but that's another story.
AND I ended up going ALONE,
(gave other ticket AWAY on street!)
but that's another story too.

No amount of color correction
can hide how tired and sad
I seem here in the twilight of the Boston evening.
I love my Red Sox, win or lose.

Boston Bound

Yes, thanks T.o.M., for the parting gifts...grrr.

It is that time of the year again! Go Red Sox!

Let's show all those doubters Tek,
let's show them what we know you're made of.

As for me, I seem to be made up of fluffy smiley gooey insides. Good thing I'm not an MLB catcher. I can't wait to see Mr Listener tonight. Monsters vs Aliens 3D with a 4-year old...who would EVER think that I'd think that would be fun?! My friends are laughing their asses off right now. We'll see if I survive it!

Heading to Boston to see the boys of summer (thank you Soxy Deb)! And I'm bringing my winter clothes!

______________

Monday, April 6
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 100
AVERAGE heart rate: don't know (forgot the blasted ePulse!)
Workout mode: RANDOM level 13 @ 3.0 mph
Calories: 676 Distance: 2.71 Time: 61:00

Note: Felt a little too aware of my heart rate since I didn't bring the ePulse. Isn't there a middle ground? I just want to enjoy my workout and have my workout be purposeful. I don't want to obsess, I just want to reap the benefit!

Stay Open

"Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike.”

He met the dogs. And Duncan the cat. He threw the frisbee for Chadster. And he was still smiling and laughing, even as they covered him with pet hair (which seems to be a concern of his at the moment...he'll soon realize there's nothing to be done for it).

And then it was my turn for attention. And I just came right out and said it.

"[Mr Listener,] if you don't kiss me soon, I'm afraid I'm going to lose my mind...."

And then he kissed me. Just like that. And it was soft and it was sweet and it was warm and light and I felt incredibly high. And then we kissed again and he touched my face. And I'm not going to turn this into some kind of twilight novel, so I will just say it was delicious, the way first kisses are supposed to be. I didn't believe I could feel this good again, and I am so glad that I do, I'm just soaking up the feeling.

Hmmm, a kiss a day....wonder what that would do for my health?

Daily Supplements

1 Omega-3 and 6 Fish Oil
2 Alpha Lipoic
2 Red Marine Algae
2 Glucosamine & Chondroitin w/ MSM
1 Silica
1 Multivitamin for women
2 L-Lysine (amino acid)

I used to laugh at those pill-sorting containers when I would see them in the stores; now I need one! I thought I wouldn't need one until I was in my 70s. Ha, that joke is on me. I'm taking these so I can make it to 70.

What, if anything, do you take?

T.o.M. is a sneaky S.o.B., showing up 4 days late, long after the pre has bailed. UGH. I feel like someone smacked me across the lower back with a 2 x 4. And I need to change *ahem* every hour. Should make for a fun day. Have alternative clothes packed. :(

Maybe this is why I didn't make it very far on the tread last night. About minute 36 when I usually hit a sweet zone of endorphins, instead I thought I was going to either hurl, lose my bowels, or both. Chills came over me immediately, and I had to hit the cooldown. Everyone at work is sick; I better not be getting anything...I have Boston next week.

Might go visit Mr Listener at the restaurant tonight.

______________

Thursday, April 2
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 82
AVERAGE heart rate: 130 (the ePulse says it is so)
Workout mode: RANDOM level 15 @ 2.8 mph
Calories: 473 Distance: 1:83 Time: 43:00

Note: At least I didn't hurl.

145 BPM or Bust

(By the way, my team was buying my line of resignation for about two minutes yesterday until someone said, Isn't it April 1st today? Of course, I fired that person on the spot.)

Well, I have good news and good/bad news.

The ePulse arrived, and I love it. Anyone who wears a heart rate monitor...have you found yourself measuring your heart rate doing random things? It is amusing to me.

Resting heart rate this morning: 68 (I will average this after 3 mornings)
Dealing with work email, while working from home: 86
On conference call: 95
Doing dishes: 86
Throwing the frisbee for the dog: 100
Writing this post: 77
In the office, dealing with idiots: Yet to be determined, stay tuned

The good/bad news is that the LifeFitness sensors at the gym are almost exactly right on with the ePulse. At times last night, the machine sensors were briefly about 2 beats higher, but never for long; they would come back in alignment with the ePulse rate.

What's good about this is that all my workouts have been accurate in numbers. What's bad about this is that my workout doesn't seem to be doing enough, and very soon, I'll have to really increase my workout in order to stay ahead of plateauing.

I had prepared myself to be disappointed that the treadmill wasn't accurately measuring my heart rate and therefore, I would have to work harder but I would achieve better results. Now instead, I have to console myself with the idea that at least now I will be able to learn my average heart rate and incrementally increase my efforts based on that. I won't be overworking (which I was worried about) and I won't be underworking (because honestly, I don't want to spend more than 8-9 hours at the gym every week!) .

_______________

Wednesday, April 1
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 76
Workout heart rate: 142-145-150
Workout mode: FAT BURN 30 min @ 2.8 mph
RANDOM level 14, 30 mins @ 2.8 mph
Calories: 763 Distance: 2:83 Time: 65:00

Weights
Seated leg press 70 lbs 3 sets of 10
Abdominal press 50 lbs 3 sets of 20
Chest press 40 lbs 2 sets of 10

Note: I think I'm going to stay away from the weights for right now. I did not feel good afterwards (especially my back), and I did not like sandwiching them in between the two 30 minutes of cardio. If I feel like it at the time, sort of like a spur of the moment decision, I'll do the ab press, but I'm not going to feel obligated. I think changing the cardio by aiming for 145 average heart rate for 60 minutes is enough of a kick to adjust to right now. I'm pretty sure until this last week or so, my average has been about 136, but we'll know more once I get the ePulse to tell me the workout average.

April Fool Me

What's worse than 2 days of monster PMS? Two days of monster PMS and no MS arriving. Grrr.

I'm late for work but I don't really care. I'm going to tell them I'm leaving today. Yup. Moving back to Massachusetts. In June.

..........

...................

..........

...................

..........

...................

Well...OK so I'm not. But I'm going to see if I can pull a joke off on my team. We'll see.

I met Mr Listener's 4 year old son. Finally, I'm one of the cool kids; the boy thinks I'm fun. Go figure. and the little cutie pie was asking for me the next day. Isn't that sweet? What struck me most oddly is I dated Lenny for 4 years and I was never able to meet his fully grown son, because "it would be too hard for him." Talk about mental ridiculousness. What do I know, maybe it is easier for younger ones to just roll with it all. And then maybe Lenny's son really was mentally and emotional unstable. Don't worry, I'm not dwelling, just reflecting back.

And I must remember that Mr Listener and I are not dating. We're getting to know each other. Umhm. With innuendos and flirting galore. Well, I've turned my sensual desires and longing for kisses inward, and hopefully through meditation and exercise, I can keep it all at bay. Two other guys are barking up my online tree to ask me out, but I'm just not interested. Mr Listener gets me on many levels that I don't have to explain. It's almost like he's got an advantage over another guy. I don't know how to explain it, but I'm speaking logically, not emotionally. But if he's really in tune with me, then surely he knows he's driving me crazy by not kissing me. That's OK, we'll see if I can outlast him! I love a challenge.

Saw Tool Booth Guy who acted as if nothing was unspoken between us. Still calling me sweetheart, still asking how I am, etc. Whatever dude. You had a shot at this amazing package. Your loss.

___________________

Tuesday, March 31
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 82
Workout heart rate: 142-145-150
Workout mode: FAT BURN 30 min @ 2.8 mph; 30 mins @ 3.0
Calories: 678 Distance: 2:94 Time: 65:00

Note: I like this mode. I like feeling my breathing level off once the heart rate has been at 145 for about 20 minutes. It is like finding another gear in the mustang. It really feels like a high and I am actually smiling at my reflection in the empty tv monitor. I don't like my hands going numb from griping the sensors.