I could have decked her. It was rude. She didn't even know me.
"You assume I haven't been," was my strangled reply. I suppressed the urge to break out the statistics of the past year.
"You need to lose more. Your back can't handle it anymore."
And I shut up. And in the painful ride home, I cried my eyes out. Making turns through blurred vision, it is a wonder I found my street. I was already doing all I could, what more did my body want of me. I felt defeated and hopeless and the urge for a bucket of KFC came over me like a late night commerical ad gone wild. Luckily I was in too much pain to drive anywhere else. I never even had a taste for KFC when I was consuming carbs so WTF.
I felt like such a wuss. Sarcastically I told myself, "Well, you always said if you had a medical reason...." well now you've got a medical reason you ass!
So, the way the story goes, I have two slipped discs. The thoracic 11 and 12, just above the lumbar region, for anyone familiar with anatomy I thought I'd toss that in. I'm "lucky" apparently, because lumbar slipped discs affect the legs. I "just" have pain in my side, making it feel like someone is carving out the area just under my ribs and lower back. Oh I'm lucky! And it isn't kidney anything....although I'm pretty sure kidney something would get fixed a lot sooner than this disc bullshit.
The pain is unlike anything I have ever felt. I realize I have felt limited pain. I guess the worst I have had is killer migraine pain which is completely debilitating, no doubt about it. But this back pain, it is sneaky and it is violent. It comes lightning fast and without warning. One minute nothing, the next minute good luck trying to remain standing. Now I know what people mean when they say "My back went out" and they were helpless.
I say it quite plainly. I am a lousy patient. I have no patience to be a patient. Yet I must rest as they say, otherwise the problem will never heal. Weeks of rest. As it is, the doctor warned me that I could have this problem reoccurring if I am not careful. So you might think oh weeks of rest...catching up on movies, books, sleep. Ha. Um....just about all I can do comfortably is lie on my back. The couch is not so friendly to me. But I have resorted to watching a few TV shows standing up. Mad Men anyone!?
Oh so lovely. I am trying so hard not to slip into the abyss of darkness...so hard. I haven't been given anything for the pain..."oh just take more ibuprofen," right, until my liver explodes?
I wonder if I will ever be well enough to live normally? I've been assured that "millions of Americans deal with this type of slipped disc every day," ummm. Yeah, well, they're not ME you insensitive doctor. Right now I feel like I'll never enjoy sex again, or taking a long drive, or taking the dog for a walk, or even getting on the treadmill! For god's sake....I feel helpless.
I am holding onto this image, which seems to be one of walking out toward the light...
1 comment:
oh no, hon I'm SO sorry! I'm sending hugs and well wishes your way! Hang in there! You WILL get to that light at the end of the tunnel I promise. That sucks what the dr. said to you about losing weight. My gynecologists always says that to me also. You should have told her how much you had already lost and how far you've come! You need to always remember that and be proud. Yes, we want to lose more but we HAVE worked our asses off to get where we are.
I really hope you get some relief from your back pain!
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