Losing Weight; Finding Men

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."

Monday, September 1, 2008

How Badly Do I Want It?

So, is it just bad luck, bummed genes, or some other cosmic reason that everything that tastes delicious to me is bad for me? Just can't figure it out. I prefer carbs the way that a crackhead needs crack. Ask a doctor this question and you get a glib response, "Your tastebuds were just trained that way" or some comment about how we're just no longer the hunter-gatherers that we used to be. Um....OK....there's a reason not to have children if ever there was one. 38 years ago no one was telling my mother to limit the amount of carbs to her children.

Do you know that I would have to be physically active 24 hours a day 7 days a week if I wanted to eat carbs at every meal? So, thinking about a lifestyle change in jobs, that means I should become a circus performer who also has to break down and set up the tents, and pull the equipment down the road like a mule. Hmm. In all seriousness, WHO is active 24/7? Not too many people who aren't consider deranged in some capacity I think.

Then there is the school of thought: Just be happy as you are. Healthy but happy with the current weight. Um. No. Not possible. First of all, healthy is a must now with the back pain. Another 40 lbs is vital to my future pain-free back. At least. But setting that aside, I'm tired of only being able to shop in one or two stores for clothes. I'm tired of not fitting into a seat at a concert without squishing my thighs or bumping up against the stranger next to me. I'm tired of not being able to go on a roller coaster! I'm tired of having to select "A few extra pounds" or "heavy" and not "average" on body type.

And this IS about me. It isn't about what someone else thinks. It isn't about the guy who doesn't want to date me. It isn't about the company management or staff members who don't respect me. It isn't about my family or my friends, who love me the way I am. This is about how I feel about myself. It always has been and it always will be.

The question is:

Am I tired enough of the things I don't have to give up the carbs?
Do I want the things I can't have MORE than I want that bowl of pasta?

Every day.
Every damn day.
Every beautiful day.
Every time I put something in my mouth.

Do I want it enough?!

I'm so tired of asking myself the question.


Kate said...

If it were easy... if the answers were always the same... then we'd all be thin.

just keep making those hard decisions.

Fabulous @ 50

Carolina Girl said...

I love your blog posts because everything you say I can almost always relate to! Men and food. It's the subjects on our minds constantly. LOL I was just telling someone the other day about how I have to constantly have that argument in my head everytime I decide to eat something. And it always comes down to how bad do I want it? It's such a stinking battle. I'm so tired of it. But then again, it's what we have to do if we want to reach our goals. You obviously have amazing willpower though to come as far as you have. Keep at it! I can't tell you how many times I have to tell myself "Forgive and move on." WAY too often.

Sorry to ramble!

you're like butter to me

Just a Lovable Party Girl

Just a Lovable Party Girl
Sagittarius is born to travel the world and move upwards and outwards. Naturally gregarious, they love the idea of meeting different people and understanding foreign cultures. There is also a desire to broaden the mind too, with the possibility of many Sagittarians being lifelong students. Their outlook is generally optimistic and there is a distinct lack of concern over the smaller, practical details. A great sense of humor and a lack of petty mindedness are Sagittarian qualities too. Sagittarius is open -- open-minded, open-hearted and generous, up to a point. They like to get value and will not be quite so impulsive with their cash but they do have a natural ability to get on with people from many varied walks of life. They have an innate sense of wanting to help others and give them a hand up the ladder and can be wonderful and exciting companions. Expect an honest answer when you ask a question and maybe some long philosophic discussions into the night. Jovial, optimistic, versatile, open-minded, philosophical, sincere, frank, visionary.