75 lbs of Stress

I feel as though I have gained 75 lbs of stress. What a week. After 3 days, I felt I was going to break and I did. I had a slice of banana bread. Well, I guess it could have been worse. I didn't continue. I went right back to the no carbs.

Mom ate every carb possible, and unfortunately for me, it created some tension. She really seemed to resent that I wasn't eating what she wanted to eat. It was bizarre. Oh well.

I am nervous about weighing and taking my measurements tomorrow. I don't feel I have lost anything. I've tried to prepare myself for the worst: having regained the 8 lbs, purely through stress. Well, if that's the case, then that's the case. All I can do is set my sights on the next day ahead and not looking back at the past.

I am feeling more and more like an addict. I can't be around the "bad" foods without wanting them. I woke up one day this week wanting potatoes. The craving lasted more than 24 hours. I didn't give in to it, but it made me feel lousy.

Sena is extremely unwell. I don't know what it is yet - nerve, muscle, bone. The cancer maybe? Hard to know. Tests will be done on Monday morning. Until then, my sweet diva girl is unable to walk more than a few steps at a time.

Compared to worrying about her, not eating potatoes is -- well -- small potatoes.

Hard Week Ahead

I've stopped weighing myself for the week. My mother is here visiting, and I just don't feel it would be mentally sound for me to obsess about the scale while she's here. Plus, it'll be a good way to see if I can break the "every day weigh" habit.

Of course, there are at least 7 different types of refined carbs in the house now that she's here. The woman traveled from CT with 5 different types of bread! FIVE! One for every day of the week? Honestly...the starch level is off the charts. And the pressure to eat is insane. Why does that happen? I hadn't even been aware of that factor really until I saw my Mom chomping on tortilla chips. I didn't even want tortilla chips but I wanted to be eating something! Talk about a bad feeling. The sugar-free jello didn't quite cut the mustard.

Of course she understands on some level what I'm trying to do, but on other levels she doesn't get it. She doesn't understand why there aren't fruits on the food plan (because the body processes them as sugar) and what is wrong with a little ice cream (almost pure fat into the bloodstream).

If I can just not regain the 8 lbs lost, I will be relieved.

Lack of Hunger

I really don't understand how this is working.

I have no hunger. Even after a full day of work, giving the two dogs baths, and mowing the lawn, I have no appetite. I am not taking an appetite suppressant. I just don't feel hungry. This could become a problem if I stop eating. I certainly won't lose as much weight then because my body will go into shock and I will become weak.

I think I will let my body tell me when it is hungry next.

What is really odd is that if I did all that activity while I was still overdosed on starch (as I certainly was), then I would be starving and pulling everything out of the cabinets to eat.

The body is an odd and fascinating thing for sure. Mine is re-educating itself about food. I am just fortunate that so far it hasn't seemed as hard. It would be great if the rest of the weight came off this effortlessly.

Out of the 90s - Round One

I have lost the 90s! Yahooooooo!

8 lbs gone. Fantastic.

Some people have expressed concern not to lose too much too quickly. Fair enough. I just want it to be gone so that I can feel better -- when I feel better I know that the weight will not come back.

I regained the weight I'd lost because I started feeling really bad about myself again. I went from a very high positive to a very low negative opinion of myself right after I started working in an office setting again. Knowing this going forward, if I am going to maintain any weight loss while working in corporate life, I must keep myself extremely positive. I am going to start meditation, both for relaxation stress relief and to start looping positive thoughts about myself.

Just a side note to the foods and supplements I'm eating, I am also taking a multivitamin (One-a-day WeightSmart) which the program highly recommends as well as an iron supplement for my anemia. Some day soon I hope to be able to donate blood again. Nothing feels better to me than helping someone else.

Sena is much more alert and energetic this morning. Perhaps a combination of the cortisone and the reiki. I only know that it was a delight to see her "trot" outside instead of hobble along. Many thanks and blessings to those who have helped us with this crisis.

Day 5: 7 lbs G O N E

SEVEN POUNDS LOST IN FIVE DAYS!

Thank you Kimkins!

My review of L-Glutamine will be here shortly.

Sena is definitely a bit more of herself this afternoon. Still not 100% but I think we're getting there.

Now I must mow the jungle! I'm Jane. Where is my Tarzan?

_________________

Well, it rained on my jungle. Tarzan will have to wait. Another day of growth before I can mow it.

So L-Glutamine. Powder form, flavorless kind (as opposed to the cherry etc).

Well. I've taken 3 teaspoons in 3 different ways over 36 hours.

1. Mixed into a glass of bottled water. Blech.

2. Mixed into a glass of iced tea. Ehh, left teeth feeling chalky.

3. Taken directly off the spoon and chased with a large glass of water. Yup. That will have to be the way for me. The great taste of anything is a good chaser and it gets the powder out of the mouth quickly.

The powder consistency is like flour, ironically a huge no-no in a no carb diet. But of course this powder is protein not carb. L-Glut is sold in pill form as well, but everything I've read say that the powder is the best form.

Maybe I'll try a flavored one next month when I need to buy more.

I can't say there is an effect after taking it for a day and a half, but I can say that on this life changing food plan for 5 days, I have not once felt hungry. Ever. Like....I don't have any interest in dinner. For me, that is monumental.

Don't Eat Your Emotions

"I eat like a guppie. Some day my stomach will explode."
Kathy Griffin, from My Life on the D-List

morning weight: did not weigh

OK so, I watch as much comedy as I possibly can. Horror? No thanks, I would just fixate on all the bad stuff. I have a hard enough time watching Criss Angel Mindfreak with some of the freaky gross stuff he does. That's horror enough. But comedy...give it to me baby. I need to laugh. And laugh. Until I'm gasping for air and about to die from lack of oxygen. Watching Kathy Griffin's reality show last night, I did laugh. But it was also the episode in which her father died. And that was just not funny. However, she did say the above quote (I am paraphrasing until I get it exactly quoted), and added that is how she would likely die, by exploding. As I was laughing and nodding, I stopped myself. No...that's not how I will die. I will not ever eat to the point of feeling like my stomach is going to explode.

Don't eat your emotions. Don't do it. We always did eat our emotions in my family. You're happy? Celebrate with a BIG dinner, cake, ice cream. You're not feeling well? You're sad, your boyfriend just broke up with you, you lost the hockey game, etc? EAT, you'll feel better. I think we defined the term comfort food. I know, I'm not from the only Polish-Italian family in the world, but my family is the only one I had to grow up in.

I couldn't be more stressed right now. Sena isn't well, I've got work to complete that will have me up all night, and my mother is coming to visit starting Sunday and I can never clean to her standards.

Acupuncture and cortisone shot for Sena: $229
Container of L-Glutamine for my cravings: $40
Additional acupuncture treatments for Sena: $65/each

Have you heard about those dogs and cats that paint? I wonder if Sena would be interested. Perhaps I could auction the paintings off. Come on, wouldn't it be great to fund the treatments? "Arthritic, cancer-battling Diva dazzles humans with her insightful pawprints..."

I was bound and determined to find L-Glutamine today. Online it is everywhere (and much cheaper but who knows if it is a good source), but I decided not to wait for shipping. So on my way home (on a day in which I ate nothing and drank two cups of tea), I went down what I will now dub "Devil's Temptation Road." On my way to the health store, I passed my favorite Mex place Moe's, a Wendy's that was piping french fry scent and an Outback that one could smell at least 200 feet from the steakhouse. Despite my lack of food today, I wasn't hungry when I started the trip. By the time I was done, I could have eaten my own hand.

I survived though, because I had a pact with a friend. If she wasn't going to eat her emotions today after hearing some bad news, then I wasn't going to either.

So won't you hum a little tune with me?

"Just a spoonful of L-Glutamine makes the appetite go down, the appetite go down, the appetite go down....."

Carb Starved & Stressed

This dieting was really the last thing on my mind today so I guess it was a good thing I already had the food all cooked and prepared to eat. I wasn't even hungry for dinner, but I knew I should eat to avoid feeling weak. In the past, I would have skipped the meal, woken up hungry and eaten a loaf of bread.

My sweet Sena is not doing well. She's injured her lower back/left leg somehow, and it is really stressing me out -- although realizing it isn't the TCC (Transitional Cell Carcinoma) causing this did bring me some ease of panic. She's in an incredible amount of pain, and I can't do a thing about it. Wait, that's not a true statement, I've done the best I could. I've given her some pain medicine, she's had some reiki, and we're going to see a canine acupuncturist in the morning. I hope she can help us because Sena is having trouble even walking.

And in other minor news, I turned down a mexican lunch at work. No, not a mexican at lunch. An invite for yummy mexican food. It felt awful to do but I'm just not ready to deal with coworkers and food.

And finally, I've successfully welcomed my pain in the ass period. We can better plan for next month I guess.

*sigh*

Let the weight retention begin.

I will still kick ass in a few days...

...If I don't rob a bagel shop first....

L-Glutamine Versus the PMS Monster

A helpful note from the Kimkins forums about cravings:

"Lingering or strong cravings, especially for sweets or alcohol, can usually be banished if you start taking L-Glutamine. L-Glutamine is an amino acid (protein) supplement, found at nutrition stores or drug stores. (Walmart carries it in with the body-building and weight loss powders and shakes, in the pharmacy area.) A jug of powder is around $10, and the powder is better than the pills. Stir 1 tablespoon into a little water or other diet drink every morning and evening, or when the urge hits. (This is not essential, but it really helps some people to break the nighttime snacking habit, and some women just use it for 'time of the month' cravings.)"

I will put it to the test.

Other points for me to remember:

• Eat when hungry, but only when hungry. (Not just because it's a certain time or a certain situation or habit.)
• Eat to the point of being satisfied, but not overly-full.
• When appetites drops, learn to pay attention to that, honor it, and drop your eating level to match.
• Don't force low calories, but don't fear them either.

Starch Crisis, USA

Morning weight: xxx lbs

Definitely had more morning energy. Didn't want to go to work, but I wanted to get out of bed. That's a start for someone who would rather be up all night and who hates her job.

It was tough at work. Many women were chatting with each other about losing weight and I just couldn't join in. I don't want those worlds to collide. It is so hard for me as it is there; I just want to maintain my day to day existence without further scrutiny from the critical feminine hordes. It would be the least place for support for me. If I get to the point where my weight loss is noticeable, then I'll just deal with it casually. But I refuse to bear my soul to those vultures. Self preservation 101.

I felt a little lightheaded when I got home. The heat of the day is just too much and it is only June. Other than that, I haven't really felt any side effects yet. My period is looming so we'll see what happens there. I have added a PMS Warning Calendar so we can collectively be aware of the monster that appears. Usually I crave salty things. I should have a plan in place to handle that. Any suggestions? I should look on the Kimkins forums; they've been very helpful so far.

I mentioned my new life plan to Lenny. Very interestingly, after a heaping amount of support for me, he wanted to know if it would work for him. I have to laugh, because I don't think he has an ounce of fat on him but he says he'd like to drop 15 lbs. When I described that there could be no starch such as potato, pasta, or rice, he winced. Obviously that is the biggest kick in the pants about all of this. We are all so grooving on our refined starches that we can't imagine life without them. Yes, after my body is reprogrammed to digest properly, then I can add those items back into my life on a limited basis. But this is a body that was designed by starch. Hell, sometimes starch would be my only food for dinner. You might be nodding your head in agreement or shaking it in disbelief, but it is a serious problem for many people in this country. Starch Crisis, USA.

Why Not Now?

A friend wrote to encourage me and asked out of curiosity, why now, did I make this decision and was it a "hitting rock bottom" type of feeling. Well, yes, in many ways, I felt like I couldn't go on anymore. In some ways it was a literal cannot get out of bed feeling, and in other ways it was an emotional blockage.

Many people are driven by a catalyst. I think that can be said of this decision for me, only I cannot say it was one thing exactly -- more so a number of things -- that caused my meltdown.

I saw photos of myself that just destroyed the mental image of what I thought I looked like these days. And I'm not talking about the semi-decent ones I have up here. But photos don't lie. Just like the photos up here show some good traits about me, the other photos show the truth of the weight. There was just no escaping it. I had to step outside myself and see what was really there.

I have also been accumulating a nagging feeling that I can't accomplish the things I want, and the reason for that is the weight holds me back. Even if it is only 100% mental and not at all an actual fact that the weight holds me back (in work, in love, in life), then I will be forever stalled in achieving success of my personal goals.

While I think that what we eat definitely plays a role in whether or not we gain weight, I also know without a doubt that what we think and how we feel about ourselves plays a large part of the result as well. I have some "bad tapes" in my head, to paraphrase Dr. Phil, about food. I don't need to know where they come from; I just need to re-record them into good tapes. Toward that end, I am using self-hypnosis. I cannot afford the $500 2-session with a professional, but I did purchase a CD called Weight Loss by Kelly Howell, from BrainSync. Check them out.

Day 2: Four Pounds Lost

Morning weight: xxx lbs

I had to actually use a calculator to see how much I'd lost (mostly because I feel like I'm still sleeping).

4 pounds. In one day. Fantastic! Yes, realistically, I know it is water weight, but it is weight nonetheless, and it is gone!

I want to record as much as I feel and think so that I will never allow myself to go back to this weight!

Here is what I look like at xxx lbs:

It is OK to love myself at this size. After all, I am still a beautiful person with a warm heart, glowing green eyes, sweet smile, and a fantastic sense of humor. I also have killer strong legs and delicate wrists and ankles (that should no longer be forced to bear so much extra weight). And I am still an engaging, sensual lover, even at this weight. Imagine when I am 100 lbs less; I'm going to be a wildfire filly!

Acceptance is one of the path marks to change.

I accept that:

• I have lost control of my appetite.
• I eat food for comfort.
• I can change these things about myself.

Instead:

• I will exercise for comfort.
• I will read for comfort.
• I will write for comfort.

On the agenda for today:

• Walk
• Cook and/or prep lunches and dinners for the week (I absolutely hate to come home from work and sit in the kitchen for several hours).
• Clean out car (this in itself is a serious exercise)

Basic Stats

Shall we get the basic stats out of the way and store them for future moments of glee and laughter?

I'm 37, female, white.

As of 6/16/07, I weigh xxx lbs!

By 6/16/08, I will weigh xxx lbs!

I just joined Kimkins (http://kimkins.com/)

I will use this blog to track my progress of losing xxx lbs to regain control of my life.

My measurements list like a sumo wrestler but they will soon be changing:

bicep - 17 inches
neck - 15 1/2 inches
bust - 52 inches
waist - 51 inches
hips - 60 inches
thigh - 30 inches





Sena is my inspiration; the dog who did not know she had cancer.