Losing Weight; Finding Men

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."

Friday, December 11, 2009

Next Time It's a Restraining Order

So with all the Vegas-ish out of my system, I guess it is back to the mundane world of office work, crushing on Italian guys who like Springsteen, and dodging creeps in the American dating pool.

Except no, wait. Is it a bird? A Plane? No, Drama Central calling? Yes, there is 55 minutes left in my 39th year and I have to tell you what happened.

Of no real consequence, both Mr No Fly and Mr Costa Rica sent me emails this week. Right, no answer. Rather interesting that they still try to contact me. I must reek of desperation.

And what should also be of no real consequence but we all know it is....because that is what love does, it causes consequences....I have to tell you that -YET- again I had to face my ex. L should be for Loser. 60L = 60-year old loser. Yet again he brought his charming boyish handsome self unannounced to my door while I was home. Yet again...

Enough with the deja-fucking-vu already, this isn't a glitch in the Matrix Neo, this is my life!

Frown on face, I open the door. "What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday."

*blink blink blink*

"You can't do that. You can't wish me a happy birthday."

"Why not?"

"Because....you....didn't bother to wish me one last year."

He laughs and stands there, waiting for me to let him in the door. I don't.

"Well this year you're on my mind for some reason."

"Well this year you're married...to someone else."

"How are you?" That's his response. How.Are.You.

"How's your wife?" I can play that game.

More laughter. "She's fine. I didn't think that would matter to you so much."

"Well, you're wrong. You're you. I'm me. And you can't come here anymore."

"OK. You're right."

"I don't....."

Silence. I try to find the words. Again. I try to make my voice work.

"I don't...." I can feel the fucking tears sticking in the back of my throat.

He looks away and starts to turn away. He knows.

"I don't want to see you ever again."

There it is. I can't believe I had to say those words. My throat feels raw like I swallowed hot coals and pieces of glass. I had to tell the man that I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with that I never wanted to see him again.

"OK you won't. I never meant to hurt you."

Fuck, like it is my fault, like I'm weak to be hurt. Fuck you I wanted to shout out at him. But I was too weak...too weak for words.

He walks off the step and down the driveway. Just a glitch in the matrix, my eyes start to twitch like a computer screen megahertzing off kilter. I wish I could just fade away like some burnt out television tube. Sagittarian escape mode has kicked into full speed and I really am still fighting the urge to disappear somehow.

I can barely see him drive off because I'm crying so hard. It's been over SO LONG now and I'm still crying? Seriously. Get Over It. More than a year. Way more than a year in so many ways.

And on that note, bring on Forever 39. IT WILL GET BETTER! How exactly I don't know, but it will.

Mango Sno-Cone Martini at Cheeseburger in Paradise


Carolina Girl said...

Wow. I got a lump in my throat just reading that. Because I was picturing D instead of L. And I know that day is coming for me too. AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE WOULD SAY TO ME TOO. "I never meant to hurt you." Does that make it all better? HELL NO. F YOU!!!! Why can't we say that back to them? We will probably never know.

Bravo my friend. I don't know why, but I think this is significant that it happened right before your birthday...it's a new year. And a good one sister!!! Believe it.


Sarah said...

What is wrong with him? I'm so proud of you for not letting him in and making him leave. What a jerk to do that to you right before your birthday.

S. said...

"I never meant to hurt you."


I'm guessing that the best present you could give yourself is keeping him out of your life. :-(

MissMelisaMae said...

Wait, what?!? He didn't think him running off and marrying another woman, breaking your heart then coming back unannouned to remind you of that would matter?

So sorry you had to deal with him yet again. I told you this once and I'll tell you again...L needs to go play on the freeway! Can I kick him for you?

you're like butter to me

Just a Lovable Party Girl

Just a Lovable Party Girl
Sagittarius is born to travel the world and move upwards and outwards. Naturally gregarious, they love the idea of meeting different people and understanding foreign cultures. There is also a desire to broaden the mind too, with the possibility of many Sagittarians being lifelong students. Their outlook is generally optimistic and there is a distinct lack of concern over the smaller, practical details. A great sense of humor and a lack of petty mindedness are Sagittarian qualities too. Sagittarius is open -- open-minded, open-hearted and generous, up to a point. They like to get value and will not be quite so impulsive with their cash but they do have a natural ability to get on with people from many varied walks of life. They have an innate sense of wanting to help others and give them a hand up the ladder and can be wonderful and exciting companions. Expect an honest answer when you ask a question and maybe some long philosophic discussions into the night. Jovial, optimistic, versatile, open-minded, philosophical, sincere, frank, visionary.