So with all the Vegas-ish out of my system, I guess it is back to the mundane world of office work, crushing on Italian guys who like Springsteen, and dodging creeps in the American dating pool.
Except no, wait. Is it a bird? A Plane? No, Drama Central calling? Yes, there is 55 minutes left in my 39th year and I have to tell you what happened.
Of no real consequence, both Mr No Fly and Mr Costa Rica sent me emails this week. Right, no answer. Rather interesting that they still try to contact me. I must reek of desperation.
And what should also be of no real consequence but we all know it is....because that is what love does, it causes consequences....I have to tell you that -YET- again I had to face my ex. L should be for Loser. 60L = 60-year old loser. Yet again he brought his charming boyish handsome self unannounced to my door while I was home. Yet again...
Enough with the deja-fucking-vu already, this isn't a glitch in the Matrix Neo, this is my life!
Frown on face, I open the door. "What are you doing here?"
"I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday."
*blink blink blink*
"You can't do that. You can't wish me a happy birthday."
"Because....you....didn't bother to wish me one last year."
He laughs and stands there, waiting for me to let him in the door. I don't.
"Well this year you're on my mind for some reason."
"Well this year you're married...to someone else."
"How are you?" That's his response. How.Are.You.
"How's your wife?" I can play that game.
More laughter. "She's fine. I didn't think that would matter to you so much."
"Well, you're wrong. You're you. I'm me. And you can't come here anymore."
"OK. You're right."
Silence. I try to find the words. Again. I try to make my voice work.
"I don't...." I can feel the fucking tears sticking in the back of my throat.
He looks away and starts to turn away. He knows.
"I don't want to see you ever again."
There it is. I can't believe I had to say those words. My throat feels raw like I swallowed hot coals and pieces of glass. I had to tell the man that I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with that I never wanted to see him again.
"OK you won't. I never meant to hurt you."
Fuck, like it is my fault, like I'm weak to be hurt. Fuck you I wanted to shout out at him. But I was too weak...too weak for words.
He walks off the step and down the driveway. Just a glitch in the matrix, my eyes start to twitch like a computer screen megahertzing off kilter. I wish I could just fade away like some burnt out television tube. Sagittarian escape mode has kicked into full speed and I really am still fighting the urge to disappear somehow.
I can barely see him drive off because I'm crying so hard. It's been over SO LONG now and I'm still crying? Seriously. Get Over It. More than a year. Way more than a year in so many ways.
And on that note, bring on Forever 39. IT WILL GET BETTER! How exactly I don't know, but it will.
Losing Weight; Finding Men
"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."