Losing Weight; Finding Men

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."

Thursday, November 12, 2009

And then the Darkness Came

CAUTION: Written under the influence of carbohydrates and the first really bad day of T.o.M.

You know how there's a man code and man law? Well, I'm pretty sure there's woman code and woman law. Why am I telling you this? Because I'm about to break it. Sue me.

We can't stand it when a guy says to us, "You're awfully bitchy today, have you got your period?"

Yet, we're the first to complain to our besties "Beware: I'm in total bitch mode. T.o.M. is kicking my ass and I could tear the head of every man who crosses my path."

We can't handle a guy bringing up what we eat or how we eat or when we eat.

Yet, we're constantly telling each other what we've consumed or haven't consumed and how we feel about it.

Heaven forbid a guy makes a comment about something we're wearing.

If it was an insult, we'll never forgive him for being honest. If it was a compliment, we'll deconstruct it until it resembles an insult.

No wonder they don't want to get involved with us.

But on another note...

It has been a long time since I felt the darkness. I kept it at bay with a lot of Springsteen concerts, and letting work consume me, and living in a fantasy world that there might be some chance I could afford to travel in 2010 or possibly move to a new rental.

I've been in denial. I thought it wouldn't matter.

It wouldn't matter than I'm not getting ANY interested guys from eharmless or OKstupid.

It wouldn't matter that I couldn't exercise because of my knee.

It wouldn't matter that I tried to be normal, eat carbs, and keep Weight Watcher points.

It wouldn't matter that my clothes are starting to feel too tight again.

But it matters. In every way it matters. What am I doing....with my life....?

When the darkness came today, it was all-consuming and sudden and stole the oxygen from my veins as if death had arrived. Darkness came. Not just to the edge of town, not just to the edge of the my thoughts, but encompassed me like a sweeping plague, sinking into my bones, and eating away at my every last thought. Point blank, shot between the eyes. All the pretty lies that get told.

I'm so incredibly unhappy. I loathe myself on days like today. Fear and loathing in New Jersey. Loathing without the therapy of friends or professionals.

I can't be unhappy. It's up to me. If I don't want to be, I can find a way not to be.

In 2 weeks, I'll be in Vegas celebrating Chicago's birthday.

In 4 weeks, I'll be in Connecticut celebrating my birthday.

How can I make the darkness go away? I mean, it always lives inside of me, but not so close to the surface. How can I make it slip back down to the depths?

Where can I find happiness that lasts longer than a Springsteen concert?


Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

Pray. Seriously, ask God to help you out of the darkness. Trust me....He will help if you ask him.

Graciela said...

I recommend Wellbutrin. It saved my life (and yes, it also helped me lose weight which helped with my depression).

I'm not being a drug pusher, but sometimes a person just needs help getting out of the dark hole. The bottom line is if you don't like it, you can always quit and try something else.

In the meantime, I'm sending big hugs to you.

Maruska Morena said...

Mine comes and goes as well. I'm starting to lean toward trying medicine, which is a pretty big leap for me since I've had some really bad reactions to it in the past.

Byron Katie's "The Work" or Four Questions that can change your life.. has helped a ton.

But mostly I know it won't last. I embrace it for what it is (my insecurites and reminders of things I need to work on), and wait til its over. Sometimes I have to remind myself.. this is just temporary. I was happy yesterday, I'll be happy again soon enough.

Carolina Girl said...

I'm glad you blog about this stuff. Because you are not alone! Ever hear the phrase misery loves company?? We have all been there from time to time. All you can do is reach out to others, and like you said...it won't get you if you don't let it. (usually)

Hugs. And if all else fails, I agree with the above...Drugs are good! haha


S. said...

Keep writing. Or at least that's what helps me. I'm really sorry that you are struggling.

Julie said...

Hang in there, darlin. Vegas awaits. It's never dark there!

you're like butter to me

Just a Lovable Party Girl

Just a Lovable Party Girl
Sagittarius is born to travel the world and move upwards and outwards. Naturally gregarious, they love the idea of meeting different people and understanding foreign cultures. There is also a desire to broaden the mind too, with the possibility of many Sagittarians being lifelong students. Their outlook is generally optimistic and there is a distinct lack of concern over the smaller, practical details. A great sense of humor and a lack of petty mindedness are Sagittarian qualities too. Sagittarius is open -- open-minded, open-hearted and generous, up to a point. They like to get value and will not be quite so impulsive with their cash but they do have a natural ability to get on with people from many varied walks of life. They have an innate sense of wanting to help others and give them a hand up the ladder and can be wonderful and exciting companions. Expect an honest answer when you ask a question and maybe some long philosophic discussions into the night. Jovial, optimistic, versatile, open-minded, philosophical, sincere, frank, visionary.