CAUTION: Written under the influence of carbohydrates and the first really bad day of T.o.M.
You know how there's a man code and man law? Well, I'm pretty sure there's woman code and woman law. Why am I telling you this? Because I'm about to break it. Sue me.
We can't stand it when a guy says to us, "You're awfully bitchy today, have you got your period?"
Yet, we're the first to complain to our besties "Beware: I'm in total bitch mode. T.o.M. is kicking my ass and I could tear the head of every man who crosses my path."
We can't handle a guy bringing up what we eat or how we eat or when we eat.
Yet, we're constantly telling each other what we've consumed or haven't consumed and how we feel about it.
Heaven forbid a guy makes a comment about something we're wearing.
If it was an insult, we'll never forgive him for being honest. If it was a compliment, we'll deconstruct it until it resembles an insult.
No wonder they don't want to get involved with us.
But on another note...
It has been a long time since I felt the darkness. I kept it at bay with a lot of Springsteen concerts, and letting work consume me, and living in a fantasy world that there might be some chance I could afford to travel in 2010 or possibly move to a new rental.
I've been in denial. I thought it wouldn't matter.
It wouldn't matter than I'm not getting ANY interested guys from eharmless or OKstupid.
It wouldn't matter that I couldn't exercise because of my knee.
It wouldn't matter that I tried to be normal, eat carbs, and keep Weight Watcher points.
It wouldn't matter that my clothes are starting to feel too tight again.
But it matters. In every way it matters. What am I doing....with my life....?
When the darkness came today, it was all-consuming and sudden and stole the oxygen from my veins as if death had arrived. Darkness came. Not just to the edge of town, not just to the edge of the my thoughts, but encompassed me like a sweeping plague, sinking into my bones, and eating away at my every last thought. Point blank, shot between the eyes. All the pretty lies that get told.
I'm so incredibly unhappy. I loathe myself on days like today. Fear and loathing in New Jersey. Loathing without the therapy of friends or professionals.
I can't be unhappy. It's up to me. If I don't want to be, I can find a way not to be.
In 2 weeks, I'll be in Vegas celebrating Chicago's birthday.
In 4 weeks, I'll be in Connecticut celebrating my birthday.
How can I make the darkness go away? I mean, it always lives inside of me, but not so close to the surface. How can I make it slip back down to the depths?
Where can I find happiness that lasts longer than a Springsteen concert?
Losing Weight; Finding Men
"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."