Alive & Blogging

morning weight: 265 lbs

*sigh*

So the whole slipped discs disaster has cost me 10 lbs. WTF.

Anyway, I can't change what's been done. I can only move forward. Again.

Today is a new day. All the carbs in the house are gone. Again. I know, because I consumed them. HA.

The back is feeling better for the most part. I am icing it at night and I notice only when I am stressed and rushing around does it act up.

Went to CrueFest last Saturday. WOW. Really...entertaining and somewhat bizarre. I witnessed such human depravity I cannot even begin to blog about it. What a riot to be an observer to all that. Not exactly my scene, but I went to see Sixx AM because the book and music inspired me. Lotta respect for Nikki Sixx but I'm gonna leave the Crue music to the drunken men who oogled every female they could and the um slightly trashy women that encouraged the oogling. However, I will say that the lead singer for Buck Cherry is damn hot and knows how to strut his stuff.

Tomorrow I return to the gym after 3 weeks away from any form of cardio. My old friend TREADMILL and I have a lot of talking to do.

In the self awareness department, I have realized that I tie a food ritual to a favorite TV event. Bad to do, but good to realize.

I did it with the Sopranos and now I see myself doing it with Mad Men and just about any baseball game I watch on TV. I want pizza or I want a burger. It is strange. Like I get all excited for food when instead I should just consider the show or the game the event to be excited about.

Well, carbs are out. Protein and exercise are in. Let's see if I can get the scale going in the right direction again. I may, just may, have a sex romp weekend in October for a reward.

Yes, your eyes fell out of your head, I know. Don't look at me like that! I never said this was a PG-rated blog. I'm 38 and peaking by the day! I am the equivalent of an 18 year old boy! Just call me Samantha Jones.

And just with whom is this potential romp? We've been chatting online for about a month and I affectionately call him Seattle. Yup. I sure know how to pick'em far away, don't I? I tell myself it's better that way. LOL And in case you're wondering, yes he does know what I look like. The wonders of the web cameras never cease to amaze me. Technology can give us the impression that we're closer than we are, with just a few mere pixels of images. Anyway, Seattle is 30 years old, blonde, and tall. And incredibly into me in that odd "is this for real" way. Like call me up late at night just to hear my voice. Send me text messages just to say he was thinking about me. And little lustful phrases that make me shiver. He's quite the sexy guy who claims he's just being himself, not putting on an act to seduce a woman. Not that I'd mind the effort.

This phenomenon is mostly due, I believe, to the fact that there's a great mystique about being far away which is why a weekend is all that's possible. But if he's going to follow through like he says he is, I'll take it. If not, no harm. We'll see if he actually buys the plane ticket out here!

As for the local dating scene, not much is going on at all! Certainly not on Chemistry - what a waste of money! Got a few "hey I'm interested in you" notices but the guys are more than 3 hours away. What's up with that? AND I said I was interested back to them, just for the hell of it, and got nothing in return. Too damn funny people. What are they waiting for? Anyway, I've done the serious "I'm so in love with you it hurts long distance relationship," way too many times. NOT going there again.

I know we cannot plan who we fall for, but I'm at least going to try to keep it in the same state.

Say it with me now, "Ummmm Hmmmmm."

Howling Laughter from Tropic Thunder

Damn I needed that.


*I don't think there are spoilers below. I talk about the movie on a very generic level.*




It may well be the level of my desperation to laugh, but I think I had my finger on the pulse of this country's level of generic entertainment yesterday. And I laughed my ass off. It would be nice if a couple of pounds fell off as well, wouldn't it?

If you think even seeing Tom Cruise in a fat suit for one moment MIGHT be funny, go see Tropic Thunder. And stay until the end.



He is not the only reason I laughed but because I am so perplexed by him, he is one of the best reasons I laughed. I also laughed at the pure ridiculousness of the movie, which is exactly what Stiller was aiming for, I believe. To me, this goes right up there with the absolute stupidity and hilarity of Zoolander and Something About Mary. Only they're making fun of their own industry this time, and it is just a riot.

As for the controversy over the R word...um, wow. Where were these people when I Am Sam or Rain Man was released? And those were serious movies!? And what about that awful movie, The Ringer? Did anyone even see that "offensive" piece of crap? Actually the controversy stirred up fits right into the over-the-top character development that the actors are spoofing on to begin with in this film. If someone is going to take offense with that word used in this outlandish movie, then they better be offended at just about everything in this messed up society. I never once laughed at someone being "retarded;" I laughed at the extreme lengths Hollywood actors will go for a role.

Lost and Blue

Well, the back is healing slowly. The bulging bump that was in my back has diminished. The doctor said it would "be a good idea" for me to ice my back every night. Forever!? Until I've lost more weight and there isn't such a strain on that area. You know, stomach fat is the hardest to lose. Well, those are the facts.

It has been nice not to have to commute this week. It has been awesome not to have to drive and save on gas. I wish every week could be like this. But the solitude has contributed to my blue state, along with PMS. No one on Chemistry has expressed interest in me, except a 65 year old man. Yes, apparently, I have that appeal. Isn't that something?

I'll let you know how the date goes. (Just kidding!)

It is one thing to have thought about being with Lenny as he grew older, but quite another to meet someone already at that age. Just not interested. He isn't even good-looking so don't tell me I should reconsider. LOL

I went looking around for something to make me laugh...there isn't even anything in the theaters! OK Tropic Thunder. Such a guy's movie. Should I bother? I don't know if it will make me laugh. Apparently, RDJ is fantastically funny in his role.

There's a Brad movie out, but not around here. Burn After Reading. Too artsy for this place I bet. Maybe after a few weeks out, it'll come around. ***Ooops, not out until September. I'm a dummy!***

So, I'm just going to go back to my trashy romance novel, and continue thinking I could have written this!

So why don't I?

Guinea Pig

OK so I'll be the gullible guinea pig. Since I can't exercise, why not?

Hold the laughter. I bought this today during my slow crawl to the drug store for ibuprofen:



Now it may not work to help lose weight, but if it even remotely lifts my mood and stress, hey....I'll take it! I have been nothing but a 1st class trash-talking biatch with this pain.

And considering I'm about to go out of my mind trying to "rest," I figure any distraction is a good one!

Help! I need to mend quickly before I start buying things off the late-night informericals!!




^^My live signature attempt, thanks for the fun Carolina Girl! Somehow I don't think it suits a background color!

And Then the Doctor Said...

And then the doctor glibly said: "You need to lose weight."

I could have decked her. It was rude. She didn't even know me.

"You assume I haven't been," was my strangled reply. I suppressed the urge to break out the statistics of the past year.

"You need to lose more. Your back can't handle it anymore."

And I shut up. And in the painful ride home, I cried my eyes out. Making turns through blurred vision, it is a wonder I found my street. I was already doing all I could, what more did my body want of me. I felt defeated and hopeless and the urge for a bucket of KFC came over me like a late night commerical ad gone wild. Luckily I was in too much pain to drive anywhere else. I never even had a taste for KFC when I was consuming carbs so WTF.

I felt like such a wuss. Sarcastically I told myself, "Well, you always said if you had a medical reason...." well now you've got a medical reason you ass!

So, the way the story goes, I have two slipped discs. The thoracic 11 and 12, just above the lumbar region, for anyone familiar with anatomy I thought I'd toss that in. I'm "lucky" apparently, because lumbar slipped discs affect the legs. I "just" have pain in my side, making it feel like someone is carving out the area just under my ribs and lower back. Oh I'm lucky! And it isn't kidney anything....although I'm pretty sure kidney something would get fixed a lot sooner than this disc bullshit.

The pain is unlike anything I have ever felt. I realize I have felt limited pain. I guess the worst I have had is killer migraine pain which is completely debilitating, no doubt about it. But this back pain, it is sneaky and it is violent. It comes lightning fast and without warning. One minute nothing, the next minute good luck trying to remain standing. Now I know what people mean when they say "My back went out" and they were helpless.

I say it quite plainly. I am a lousy patient. I have no patience to be a patient. Yet I must rest as they say, otherwise the problem will never heal. Weeks of rest. As it is, the doctor warned me that I could have this problem reoccurring if I am not careful. So you might think oh weeks of rest...catching up on movies, books, sleep. Ha. Um....just about all I can do comfortably is lie on my back. The couch is not so friendly to me. But I have resorted to watching a few TV shows standing up. Mad Men anyone!?

Oh so lovely. I am trying so hard not to slip into the abyss of darkness...so hard. I haven't been given anything for the pain..."oh just take more ibuprofen," right, until my liver explodes?

I wonder if I will ever be well enough to live normally? I've been assured that "millions of Americans deal with this type of slipped disc every day," ummm. Yeah, well, they're not ME you insensitive doctor. Right now I feel like I'll never enjoy sex again, or taking a long drive, or taking the dog for a walk, or even getting on the treadmill! For god's sake....I feel helpless.

I am holding onto this image, which seems to be one of walking out toward the light...

Oh My Aching Back!

It has been an incredibly lousy week. I have been trying to understand just where it went wrong.

I know that on Monday I fell off my office chair. It was hilarious at the time; the chair actually ended up on top of me. But I am wondering if it is the reason I have been in pain. I have been having what I can only describe as muscle spasms in my back.

To be honest, though, I have to admit that I spent last Friday, Saturday and Sunday coughing my lungs out. And I know that my body was sore from coughing. So maybe it is a combination of the two situations? I don't know.

I hate doctors. I don't trust western medicine.

I had a massage on Tuesday. Felt great. Wednesday morning: I could barely get myself out of bed. There was intense "grabbing" pain in my right lower back. Not all the time, but at the strangest moments like lifting my left leg or my arm or turning my head.

I went to WebMD and ruled out kidney infection or stones based on the fact that I don't have other symptoms. I'm not feeling unwell in any other capacity.

But I have to say I'm getting rather tired of alternating ice and heat and laying flat on my back in bed for 14+ hours. Also, the amount of Ibuprofen I am ingesting isn't good for my stomach or my weight.

On Friday I told myself that if I wasn't better by Monday, I would take myself to the hospital. I figured, xrays or an MRI and maybe they could learn something or at the very least give me some muscle relaxers.

Of course now that it is Sunday morning and I'm not feeling even 50% better, I am starting to talk myself out of the hospital. What good are they really going to do me, besides taking several hundred dollars from me?

If this is a pulled or torn muscle, it probably needs much longer to heal.

If it is something more serious, wouldn't other symptoms start showing up?

This is my logic.

So we'll see.

Oh and for those people interested in my dating life? Well Peter never contacted me beyond Monday. He never responded to my Tuesday night "Hey great Sox game" text message to his phone.

*sigh*

Say it with me people:

NEXT!

My Italia Vision

morning weight: 259 lbs

During meditation yesterday (alone, in my living room), I had a vision. Ready?

I was at my goal weight (about 100 lbs less than now) and I was definitely in Italy.

So, I simply must lose it and I must go. Must. I'm being called there! LOL Maybe by fine romantic Italian men. LMAO.

OK maybe not by men, but certainly by fine romantic Italian landscape and villas. These are as close to the images that came into my mind as I could find:

Cue the Laughter

morning weight: super-sized and disgusting

Well, here we go. New week. New start. Operation Carb Creep is over. All carbs gone from the house. Exercise on the evening agenda. Operation Back on Track has begun.

My date was great. I was instantly attracted upon sight of him, as he asked me if the bar I had suggested we meet at was a biker bar. Too funny. And that is what he is in one word: Peter is funny...I mean stand-up comedian funny. I was laughing so much I couldn't catch my breath at one point. Gotta wonder though, is that every night or what? Would I be able to stand it? Is there such a thing as too much laughter? He reminded me a little of Seinfeld. If that ends up including the obsessive tendencies, that would be a bad thing.

He gets points for knowing some SATC characters! And quoting from the movie Office Space, and knowing who Dwight is from the Office. We never had an awkward moment until...we started kissing at the door to my car and he suggested we go sit in his. He didn't want to keep kissing in public. Fair enough. But I wasn't about to do more than kiss. He was a good kisser, very gentle. I resisted the urge to devour him. And luckily he didn't push for anything. And we mostly sucked cool air from the AC as much as we sucked face so it was all good in the end.

And about the end...neither of us said anything about calling or being in touch. It just seemed so natural that we would be seeing each other again. Earlier in the night we made reference to seeing a movie together, as he was soundly beating my ass in pool (love a guy who can play a mean game of pool and laughingly talk trash the entire time). So I feel fairly confident that I'll hear from him again.

Of course, all day yesterday I didn't hear from him, but...that's OK. Right? Right.

So, life after Lenny? Here's hoping.

Tramps Like Us

Honestly, I haven't been on the scale. I haven't been to the gym. And I haven't been concerned with what I'm shoveling into my pie hole. Yup. Period is gone though. And concert week is gone. So I can get back on track.

I haven't been to that many concerts in one week before. I have no voice, and I am floating on a total music high. I will probably never get the chance to see Bruce more than once in a given week again so it was a real treat. It has certainly made living in Jersey a nice thing for the moment. Bruce rocks my world. End of story. He's the strongest male figure in my life. Some of you may find that incredibly sad, but I find it fascinating. I'm not idolizing too much - not in that ga-ga oh my god he's a rock star way. I just haven't had many positive male figures in my life. Most of you have had a father or step-father. Not me. So, really, since my teenage years, Bruce has shaped my musical world, my love of language, my never-ending interest in telling a story, and my inspiration that yes maybe some day, I can "Find one face that ain't lookin' thru me..."

I cried a little bit, during this song.

"`cause down the shore everything's all right
You and your baby on a saturday night
Nothing matters in this whole wide world
When you're in love with a jersey girl"

If you want to hear the whole song, it is here:


Mostly because I was so glad he was singing it and a little bit because damn it, I want that. I want a man to feel that way about me. I'm not a Jersey-born girl, but clearly the sentiment exists for everyone. I looked around at the men at the concerts this week, and I found myself wondering how can they be so into these songs and not want to find a woman who feels the same way? I would love to start up a Springsteen fan-based dating site. Wouldn't that be a riot? Of course, Bruce would never allow it to be associated with him I'm sure. But just imagine....you want to find someone who has the same taste in music that you do? You want to find someone who embraces the same sort of dreams you have? Well, instead of matching people based on eye color, salary range, and whether or not they want to have children, why not base it on dreams, music, and sports?

OK I'm rambling. I get like this a bit sometimes. Anyway....

I love me some Bruce. He makes my world a better place.

_________

Oh, and...I have a Chemistry.com date tomorrow. Peter. Amicably divorced with a 4 year old boy. Project manager for a pharma company. He looks cute in stubble. Has a wicked sense of humor. Likes the Red Sox! Go figure - we'll see what happens.