Bizarre Rollercoaster Week

Pounds lost: 11 lbs
Pounds to go: 40 lbs

What a bizarre week it has been. Exactly 7 days ago, this was my weight. Since then and now I was under the impression I had regained many pounds and then lost it. I'll never know what really happened. I feel like my scale and I stepped into the twilight zone. Thanks to a new battery, I believe all is well and accurate now. What I I know for certain is that I want to wake up tomorrow morning and have the scale show something lower. There's just something about the 60s that I want to shake off me.

And it is that urge, that determination, that has my awful "lower ego" just begging me to go out for french fries, pancakes, and milk shakes right now. Yes, all at once, because just one couldn't possibly be enough. I don't understand it. It is a total mental thing, not a physical thing. I am NOT hungry. I am empty. I have more than enough activities to keep me busy. Laundry anyone? I am not going to the gym on Sundays. The wind is blowing sideways here, but I will still take Chad out to play frisbee.

I have always been empty. Something in me has always felt missing. Therapy revealed it was because of the lack of a father or strong male figure in my life. Fair enough, I can buy that. But why do I have to want to fill it with the very thing people use to sustain life? We all need food to live. But I seem to need it to keep killing myself or punishing myself, when I've done nothing wrong. I would so like to trade this addiction to carbs for what's behind door #3. My brother chose alcohol, just like my father. There are even some addictions out there that make you thin. Heroin anyone?

All sarcasm aside, I was never a fan of Motley Crue growing up, but I've been reading Nikki Sixx's autobiography, The Heroin Diaries. And the entire time I'm reading, I'm thinking, "Holy crap man, can't you SEE what it was doing to your life?" Nope, we can't. We can't see it when we're in it. We rationalize our way around it, making ourselves feel numb because numb is better than feeling the pain we can't make go away permanently. Well, if someone can kick heroin, coke, and alcohol addictions, surely I can kick a carb addiction. At least, that's what I'm telling myself today.

So here's my weekly food list:

7 thin sliced chicken breasts, with 1 packet of low-salt taco seasoning
5 sweet peppers and 4 sweet onions sauteed in 1 tablespoon canola oil
2 ground buffalo patties (will have one for dinner tonight) - this is a special treat
12 eggs mixed with 2 cups of egg whites, scrambled

Additional Items

the chocolate whey protein, my lifesaver
lowfat mexican blend cheese (divided up ahead of time into 1 tablespoon servings)
carb and sugar control dannon yogurt (this stuff really rocks at only 3 g carbs)
sliced almonds
FF coolwhip

I didn't buy the turkey bacon like I usually do. I am experimenting on whether or not that may have been too much salt for me, particularly with the start of my new love affair with my new BF "Gym" and working out, my body may be going into "starvation mode" and trying to hold onto everything it can. That isn't going to happen fat cells, so get ready to be gone!