NewsFlash: We're Human

Pounds lost: 13 lbs
Pounds to go: 38 lbs

Recipe

1 best friend
1 dreadful movie (Fool's Gold - anyone who sees it is a.....you guessed it!)
1 bag of popcorn with butter (for comfort clearly)
1 one bacon cheeseburger with fries (still needed comforting obviously)
total destruction: 3 lbs (2 have since been re-lost)

And I would like to quote my friend, "I'm human!" Yes, she is. And I am as well. I wanted this food, make no mistake. No one forced me to eat! LMAO - can you imagine? Ugh that scene from Se7en comes to mind...gluttony.

Perhaps I am trying to be something other than human by denying myself the carbs that are all around me. All I know is that when I do, it works, and I am losing weight.

The trip to Bermuda is fast approaching and I will have to begin online bathing suit selection and try-ons. I haven't lost even half of what I had hoped. That's OK, for the 2nd time, I've realized that I do much better without a timeframed goal. I don't know why. I can't take the pressure I guess.

Going to see my sweet Bruuuuuuuuuce Thursday night. Rock on! Is anybody alive out there!?

Feeling Alive

Pounds lost: 14 lbs
Pounds to go: 37 lbs

Bring out the marching band baby! Hell Yes! Back out of the 60s! Fantastic! This one is going to stick.

And let me tell you, it is ALL because of my newfound sanctuary:



This is where I go when I want to eat carbs. This is the gym at around midnight Saturday. Look at all the shiny toys just waiting for ME. Don't they look so cool?

And believe me, did I ever want carbs this weekend. I wanted carbs more than I've ever wanted them. I was so stressed out, because I had a car accident on Friday night. The front tire came off my truck completely while I was driving it. The shock of the moment really didn't hit me until sometime on Saturday. But I was acutely aware immediately that this could have happened on the highway or while I was going faster or while I was in traffic. I was so lucky that I was just turning into my street and that there were no other cars or people walking by.



So I guess this puts things into perspective a little bit. Yes, losing weight is important. Yes, resisting carbs is important until I get myself into a better metabolic heart rate. But what's really important is that I'm alive to talk about it.

Tougher Than The Rest

Happy Valentine's Day to All! We are tougher than the rest!



Tougher Than The Rest

Well It's Saturday night
you're all dressed up in blue
I been watching you awhile
maybe you been watching me too
So somebody ran out
left somebody's heart in a mess
Well if you're looking for love
honey I'm tougher than the rest

Some girls they want a handsome Dan
or some good-lookin' Joe on their arm
Some girls like a sweet-talkin' Romeo
Well 'round here baby
I learned you get what you can get
So if you're rough enough for love
honey I'm tougher than the rest

The road is dark
and it's a thin thin line
But I want you to know I'll walk it for you any time
Maybe your other boyfriends
couldn't pass the test
Well if you're rough and ready for love
honey I'm tougher than the rest

Well it ain't no secret
I've been around a time or two
Well I don't know baby maybe you've been around too
Well there's another dance
all you gotta do is say yes
And if you're rough and ready for love
honey I'm tougher than the rest
If you're rough enough for love
baby I'm tougher than the rest


Copyright © Bruce Springsteen (ASCAP)

T.o.M. & Starch Cravings

Pounds lost: 11 lbs
Pounds to go: 40 lbs

OK here we are with no loss after 3 days. Yup, time of the month due today. Fantastic. Chewing on my bottom lip as the urge to go to Five Guys Burgers & Fries is subliminally piped into my conscious by my dog (Chad is 3 years old today). I am sure that Sena would approve and is in fact looking upon us now from Rainbow bridge with a sparkle in her eye. Oh Sena, you never cared how much I weighed, god bless you.

Trust me, if a Five Guys opens in your area, move. The danger is incredible. Speaking of which, I came across the 20 Worst Foods in America article in Men's Health oddly enough. You know, one link leads to another link to another link and before you know it, you're on a web site you've never been to before? Anyway, the information is from the bestseller Eat This, Not That. I shouldn't be surprised really, but I was. The worst food in America was actually one of my top comfort foods. Take a look. We control everything we eat, yes absolutely. We must take responsibility in our lives and in our actions. However, isn't it a fair question to ask, why are the restaurants serving dishes like those top 20? Who can eat them and not be adversely affected physically? Would the restaurants claim that "well, you're only supposed to eat a meal of theirs once a month?" or "you're supposed to be exercising actively to balance the intake of food?" How much exercise would it take to work off 2,000+ calories from ONE meal? Let's be realistic. I'm burning about 450 calories a workout. That's MY reality. When I'm leaner, I'll burn faster or so they say. The book I mentioned here also states that no one expects restaurants to serve healthy food. Um.....maybe our expectations are part of the problem?

I was so wound up last night that I knew I was going to cave for carbs if I didn't get to the gym instead. So I went, in about 4 inches of snow and freezing rain. I was alone at first, and you should have seen me when Bon Jovi came on the radio. But about 5 people showed up at 10:30 pm. I was surprised. Dedicated folks or people just trying to avoid going for food that we shouldn't be eating.

Today I vow to drink 2 liters of water!

Bizarre Rollercoaster Week

Pounds lost: 11 lbs
Pounds to go: 40 lbs

What a bizarre week it has been. Exactly 7 days ago, this was my weight. Since then and now I was under the impression I had regained many pounds and then lost it. I'll never know what really happened. I feel like my scale and I stepped into the twilight zone. Thanks to a new battery, I believe all is well and accurate now. What I I know for certain is that I want to wake up tomorrow morning and have the scale show something lower. There's just something about the 60s that I want to shake off me.

And it is that urge, that determination, that has my awful "lower ego" just begging me to go out for french fries, pancakes, and milk shakes right now. Yes, all at once, because just one couldn't possibly be enough. I don't understand it. It is a total mental thing, not a physical thing. I am NOT hungry. I am empty. I have more than enough activities to keep me busy. Laundry anyone? I am not going to the gym on Sundays. The wind is blowing sideways here, but I will still take Chad out to play frisbee.

I have always been empty. Something in me has always felt missing. Therapy revealed it was because of the lack of a father or strong male figure in my life. Fair enough, I can buy that. But why do I have to want to fill it with the very thing people use to sustain life? We all need food to live. But I seem to need it to keep killing myself or punishing myself, when I've done nothing wrong. I would so like to trade this addiction to carbs for what's behind door #3. My brother chose alcohol, just like my father. There are even some addictions out there that make you thin. Heroin anyone?

All sarcasm aside, I was never a fan of Motley Crue growing up, but I've been reading Nikki Sixx's autobiography, The Heroin Diaries. And the entire time I'm reading, I'm thinking, "Holy crap man, can't you SEE what it was doing to your life?" Nope, we can't. We can't see it when we're in it. We rationalize our way around it, making ourselves feel numb because numb is better than feeling the pain we can't make go away permanently. Well, if someone can kick heroin, coke, and alcohol addictions, surely I can kick a carb addiction. At least, that's what I'm telling myself today.

So here's my weekly food list:

7 thin sliced chicken breasts, with 1 packet of low-salt taco seasoning
5 sweet peppers and 4 sweet onions sauteed in 1 tablespoon canola oil
2 ground buffalo patties (will have one for dinner tonight) - this is a special treat
12 eggs mixed with 2 cups of egg whites, scrambled

Additional Items

the chocolate whey protein, my lifesaver
lowfat mexican blend cheese (divided up ahead of time into 1 tablespoon servings)
carb and sugar control dannon yogurt (this stuff really rocks at only 3 g carbs)
sliced almonds
FF coolwhip

I didn't buy the turkey bacon like I usually do. I am experimenting on whether or not that may have been too much salt for me, particularly with the start of my new love affair with my new BF "Gym" and working out, my body may be going into "starvation mode" and trying to hold onto everything it can. That isn't going to happen fat cells, so get ready to be gone!

Finally Sorted Out

Pounds lost: 10 lbs
Pounds to go: 41 lbs

Hell YES -- New battery in the old scale. This was this morning's weight, bucked naked, 3 different times over 2 hours (just to make sure I wasn't imagining it). OK so....we're back on track!

Thank you sweet Jenn, I am quite sure your theory about the salt intake and the water weight had a lot to do with this as well. When I woke up this morning, I just FELT lighter. Then the scale confirmed it.

Last night's workout was at 12:30. I loved it. Just me and the machines and 9 cameras and rock and roll blasting. I got adventurous and tried the stationary bike and the elliptical machine. Holy crap those are tough! I did 1 mile on the bike but I was so bored. On the other hand, I could barely do 0.5 on the elliptical before I thought my knees and hips were going to explode. Wow. Kudos to you all who crank on that machine! Über respect to you. Maybe someday I can kick ass on that too, but for now I'm going to stick with the treadmill. I sustained my heart rate at 138 for 20 minutes (the other 20 minutes it was hovering around 120 which is still in my range). I thought that was pretty substantial. I got to see what level I needed to set the machine at to achieve that. It was between 4.0 and 4.5 incline and 2.8 to 3.0 speed. But I have to watch it, my lower left front leg muscles starting screaming. I swear to god, if I get shin splints, it'll be such a major set back. I am trying to prevent that at all costs. I did a lot of stretching but it is hard to stretch that particular muscle. I also did the pectoral and the ab weights. I am a little concerned about the ab machine though. I do not feel it in my abs. Well, let's face it, I don't have any abs to feel it in, but I don't feel it in my stomach. I feel it in my back and maybe I'm straining too much, yet the weight is only 15 lbs. So I will have to ask someone about that.

Tonight I will go grocery shop dating...you know, puruse the aisles for others who have nothing better to do on Saturday night than grocery shop. Just joking, but sometimes it is interesting to see who else is in there. Two guys together...both good looking. Other single women, often standing in front of the ice cream section. Sad but true. I used to be one of them.

I think this week I will skip the turkey bacon -- too much processed meat and even though it is low sodium perhaps it is holding me up. I will opt for almonds and put a handful in my carb control yogurt instead. And maybe I will buy myself some flowers.

Love yourself, the rest will follow.

Scalegate

Pounds lost: 5 lbs
Pounds to go: 46 lbs

Yes. A SIX POUND GAIN. Would anyone like to try to explain this one to me? In the past week I've walked NINE miles more and faster than I ever would have in the previous 6 months. I've increased my heart rate while exercising according to the national standards. I was doing the right thing or so I thought. I am so miserable right now, I think I might throw the scale out the window. This news comes just after 3 people told me on separate occasions yesterday that I looked good and that I looked like I was losing weight. I am so upset, and I'm not sure anything can calm me.

I'm also really really angry at the multi-billion dollar diet industry right now. Why? Because I can't find an accurate scale. I purchased one, a Taylor Precision scale and it could not give an accurate reading, not the first time, second time, third time, etc. I brought it to the gym and measured the free weights on it. It was off anywhere from 1.6 lbs to 3.5 lbs and never the same measurement twice for the same weight. I'm sorry but WHAT THE FUCK is that about?! Of course I can return it and get my $ back. That's not the issue. The issue is they're a product that has ONE purpose, to accurately weigh people, and it cannot even do that! And I bet most people NEVER question it. Sure maybe 1.6 lbs isn't a huge deal in the big picture of a healthy life. But it matters to me.

I also took my "old" scale to the gym. It was accurate every time that it lit up. Health-o-meter brand. Hard to find around here. But it didn't always light up. So, I don't know what that means. If the battery is low, it is supposed to say Err. Maybe I will try to replace the battery.

So anyway, today's weight is with the old scale. And it isn't good news. And I don't know why. Did I mention I'm really upset? Exercise was supposed to help me, not hurt me. That's the only thing I can think of, because I haven't gone off into carb intoxication, but after seeing this number, I certainly want to. I've checked the calendar and I'm not even PMSing! There is no reason that I can understand for this gain.

Workout:

treadmill
62 minutes
485 cals
2.5-2.8 speed
2.0-2.5 incline

Too Much Pressure

I didn't weigh today. Taking the pressure off myself a bit. I am also suspicious that my scale is losing its ability to cough up a valid number. That number seemed mighty low. We'll see. I went to the gym last night, ugh, Monday nights are busy. That is going to take some adjusting. Maybe I'm going to have to be one of those 10-11 pm people. I guess I won't know until I try to see if it will affect me adversely.

I know for a fact that I cannot do that 7:30-8:30 slot if it is going to be that crowded. I felt so pressured. Even though no one said a peep to me, no one even glanced at me. I put it on myself and I know that I can't take it off myself. Not this early on. So there I was, people on either side of my treadmill walking or running and I'm trying to stay focused on my own pace and it just didn't work. I did 36 minutes but at such a high pace that my legs started screaming. (And I suppose this is where the trainer would say I should feel the burn -- but I remember shin splints well enough thanks and I don't want them again.)

And this morning, my right side is hurting a bit. I know that is because I was carrying myself "defensively." I just do not do well around so many other people. I pushed it way too hard, got my heart rate up to 136, increased the speed to 3.0, and felt I was going to fly off the machine.

But hey, I went. I didn't just drive by, I got out even though I saw how crowded it was, I went in, I got on the machine. I tried. I know for some people, competition is helpful, it helps them to reach deep down inside and bring out that inner fire. But for me, I'm having a hard enough time battling with myself. I don't need any extras.

On a completely different note, if you're getting updates by FeedBlitz, thank you for caring enough to read -- it does give you all the text that I write here. However, I just wanted to let you all know, that FeedBlitz doesn't include the extras I toss in, like the videos of the cute lemurs singing "Move It Move It" or the Rocky theme. So if you're ever reading along and I refer to something extra, click on the link and come check it out on the web blog. ;-)

Seeking My High

Pounds lost: 11 lbs
Pounds to go: 40 lbs

I went again last night to the gym. I showed up at 10 pm, mostly because I checked the tv show lineups and decided there were a few things I would watch at that time. Hey, whatever gets me there right? I cannot believe what the scale says this morning. Another 3 lbs down. Cue the music (you gotta hear this, to know how I'm feeling...)



I am a million miles and workouts away from every being conditioned like a boxer, but I do feel inspired. I am seeking that endorphin high that comes from exercise. I know it exists; I've enjoyed it before. I just always knew that it was hard to obtain. I haven't felt it yet, through my two workouts so far, but I know it is ahead of me, and when I feel it, it will feel better than any comfort food might taste or feel settled in my belly.

Is it replacing one addictive behavior for another? Perhaps but I highly doubt I'll ever be the type of person who says to my friends or my lover, "I'm sorry, I can't go out with you tonight, I have to go workout instead." Remember, ultimately, when I weigh 160 lbs again, I am seeking a balance in my life. And once I have reached that place, I will know what it feels like. I will be a balanced person, healthy, renewed, reborn, and ready for all that life wants to offer me.

Details on my workout, in the order it was done:

starting heart rate was 89
10 mins treadmill to warm up the body (like the trainer said)
3 reps (8/10/12) of 30 lbs with Abs
15 lbs with pecs
30 lbs with leg press (that works the gluts)
40 mins more of treadmill at 2.5 - 2.8 speed with 2.0 incline and heart rate between 121-130

Today I will rest, and maybe stroll the neighborhood with Chad and play frisbee, but no gym. I have to cook for the week anyway, and the superbowl is tonight.

How do I feel? I feel good!

Ready, Set...Exercise!

Pounds lost: 8 lbs
Pounds to go: 43 lbs

Another pound down!

Well, I want to focus on the positive but I do want to write out some disappointment I experienced. The orientation I had with the trainer. He was so pompous (When does confidence become obnoxious and pompous by the way? Discuss amongst yourselves.) and he was rather discouraging of my goal.

10 weeks is too short of a time to lose 44 pounds.

You know what, that may be true in textbook. However, there are always exceptions. So why did he have to be so negative? And someone should always be aiming higher than what they could normally achieve. Because that's how you give your best, isn't it? So I have to admit, I came home from that orientation feeling so low, so drained of any strength. I could have stayed there and worked out right then, it was so empty there. But I came home and slept for 4 hours.

When I woke up, I felt better. I understand the concept that if you lose weight too quickly, you're just losing muscle and your body will gain it back, and it isn't healthy for you. I do understand that. But when you've been STUCK in a rut for SO long, you NEED to see RESULTS. It is what I would call CRISIS WEIGHT LOSS situation. So, I'm doing what I need to do, and no one can tell me what feels right for me because they aren't me.

So, now that that's been said, let me put up some interesting stats. In June I weighed 297 lbs. Here we are in February, and I weigh 33 lbs less. That's amazing for me. And I hadn't taken my measurements in a while so I thought I would do that.

bicep - 16 inches (1 inch loss)
neck - 15 inches (1/2 inch loss)
bust - 48 inches (4 inch loss)
waist - 45 inches (6 inch loss)
hips - 57 inches (3 inch loss)
thigh - 29 inches (1 inch loss)

15.5 inches lost since June. That is amazing! These stats are motivation. The most loss is coming right in the problem areas so this is good news. The hips and the stomach are where I carry it all. The chest is simply an unfortunate casualty. I'd rather be thin than have a lot of breasts anyway.

So my first workout at the gym went really well. No one bothered me. There were 2 other people there when I started and I was alone by the end. I wanted to have music to walk to, but none of the channels were music-based. There were pumping in my favorite Jersey radio station (WDHA) but the commercials break the pace, it sucks. So I watched the Charlie's Angels movie on TV (the one with Demi Moore in it) and there was actually a lot of music in the scenes so that worked well.

I was on the lifestyle brand treadmill, in case any of you are familiar with them. I did 3 miles starting out at 2.5 speed with a 1.0 incline and increasing to 2.8 speed with a 2.0 incline. It took me an hour. The machine said I burned 450 calories and my heart rate was 135, then down to 113. 100 is my bottom range but I am glad to even hit above that at all.

I can finally see why having mp3s on my phone would come in handy. Well my Razor is dying a slow death, so I will have to get a new phone soon. Come on tax refund, get here.