Losing Weight; Finding Men

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Breathe, Wax, Refocus

I haven't had a hard lesson to learn in a long time so I guess one was due.

My Valentine was received but it didn't make anything better. Mr S still isn't sure he can get back to the way he felt before I melted down emotionally on the phone with him. Oh well. I told him that second chances were good things, but I've also told him I understand if he decides not to try. It will be whatever it is meant to be. He said that my messages were not helping, they were making things harder. So much for reminding him of whatever it was he liked about me to begin with.

Breathe in, breathe out. Wax on, wax off. Refocus on me. Selfish me.

I don't know why men spook so easily. Then again, I know a sobbing woman is probably similar to a monster for them.

There will always be bumps in any path taken; if Mr S' instinct on anything emotional is to take 10 steps back and analyze it like an engine and my instinct is to peel away the layers and look at it under a magnifying glass, then Houston, we have a problem with compatibility. I could likely adapt, I usually do.

But I will never ever ever put myself into another relationship where I have to "walk on eggshells" around my partner. I'm a Sagittarian. Hello, look in the dictionary and it is a synonym to the word emotional. Yes, I work on handling my emotions all the time, but I'm still going to be MORE emotional than other people.

*sigh* How many labels should I put on my dating profiles? Dog owner, weight-challenged, carb addict, emotional 40 year old female. If I did that....pffft, nevermind.

Breathe in, breathe out. Wax on, wax off. Refocus on me. Selfish me.

Perhaps his idea of a "rare lady" was one who has her shit together. I've accomplished a lot. But I'm still working on my shit. I'm still very much a work in progress, and I may remain a work in progress the rest of my life. As long as I'm working at it, that's what matters most to me.

Perhaps the connection, so new and untested, wasn't meant to be as strong as I imagined it.

Perhaps his only cosmic purpose in my life was to show me I was hiding.

So, the lessons I'm taking from this are definitely customized to my circumstances.

1. Don't communicate with a potential new partner when I'm exhausted.
2. Keep phone conversations from 20 minutes to an hour max.
3. Don't let things get too personal too early. There's no need to open the flood gates.

Although the verdict isn't completely in and dismissed, it isn't looking good. I am really hurting over the idea that I won't get to meet this man. Like I said he was one in a million in terms of qualities I seek. But I have to remember, I'm one in a million too.

And if he just doesn't feel that way, then he just doesn't feel that way. Better that than to be lied to just to have sex or something equally ridiculous that I've already experienced.

Breathe in, breathe out. Wax on, wax off. Refocus on me. Selfish me.


Sarah said...

I'm very disappointed in Mr. S. If he had read your blog then he already knew you could be emotional at times (not saying that's a bad thing :)) It's your online journal/diary/safe place and for him to not realize that it would be surprising, to say the least, is inconsiderate and thoughtless of him. How would he feel if you suddenly had access to all his deepest insecurities? PASS! On to the next!

♥Georgie♥ said...

I LOVE YOU! I too am disappointed in Mr S and i know thats not where you were going with this post...but geesh!!!

Girl of True Heart said...

I love you ladies, thanks for commenting. I agree it seems a BIT drastic of a counter-reaction to my reaction, but I'm holding my tongue for now. If he tells me all is truly lost, be sure I will have something to say in a way only a fiery Sagittarian can. I have heard the planets are mighty messed up since last week, so who knows....maybe he's having PMS (Pre-Manly Syndrome)?

Carolina Girl said...

I'm sorry, and perhaps I'm biased, but a man that skittish isn't worth wasting your time on. NEXT!
<3 ya.

::kacy:: said...

i know how ya feel and i'm very emotional myself. sometimes i wish that my boyfriend would stop being like that and i analyze every little thing too! it can really hurt to feel like you are far more emotional than everyone else! and to feel rejected...it isn't pleasant. i'm sorry you are going through this. if it helps, i had one shitty ass valentine's day. always here for ya!

MissMelisaMae said...

I understand your reaction. Extreme or not. I tend to do the same thing. Where your heart tends to jump 10 paces in front of your head. It doesn't happen often but when it does it happens fast. By the time your logic and mind catch up sometimes the damage is done and you are left wondering WTF?

I still am of the firm belief that he's missing out if he's not willing to pursue things. However, you have a very valid point, if he has to dissect every emotional reaction "like an engine" there may be issues down the road.

I don't think it's a bad time to refocus on yourself. It is selfish in the clinical term but far from derogitory. If you aren't going to look out for you then who will so you need to make sure that you are #1. You never want to be in the postion where you have to walk on eggshells. If you find yourself censoring yourself then it's time to bail...and fast!

Regardless, you are an awesome lady and don't let this guy make you feel otherwise. But I think you are too wise for that and I can tell that even hurt you can still appreciate what this situation has made you realize in terms of opening up.


lauralei said...

i am a big believer in being yourself - if he doesn't appreciate that - that is his problem - you deserve better

S. said...

:-( I hope a little time helps him see clearly.

you're like butter to me

Just a Lovable Party Girl

Just a Lovable Party Girl
Sagittarius is born to travel the world and move upwards and outwards. Naturally gregarious, they love the idea of meeting different people and understanding foreign cultures. There is also a desire to broaden the mind too, with the possibility of many Sagittarians being lifelong students. Their outlook is generally optimistic and there is a distinct lack of concern over the smaller, practical details. A great sense of humor and a lack of petty mindedness are Sagittarian qualities too. Sagittarius is open -- open-minded, open-hearted and generous, up to a point. They like to get value and will not be quite so impulsive with their cash but they do have a natural ability to get on with people from many varied walks of life. They have an innate sense of wanting to help others and give them a hand up the ladder and can be wonderful and exciting companions. Expect an honest answer when you ask a question and maybe some long philosophic discussions into the night. Jovial, optimistic, versatile, open-minded, philosophical, sincere, frank, visionary.