Chemical Catalyst

It has been an interesting 7 days in the world of men and me. There's been a mail-storm of interest lately on all the sites I've got my profile up on. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I'm amused though, because I can't figure out the trend. Go for months with nothing, then suddenly men from everywhere express interest and I get to sort out who I like/don't like. Really, every time there's this much interest, I feel like I'm on a reality tv show and they're just playing a joke on me. The reality is there might be 2% in the pool that would actually be compatible but I'll take fishing in the ocean over fishing in a puddle any day.

Last Friday night, I met an OKCer. I wasn't even going to spend a word on him, but in hindsight, I think it frames up nicely in juxtaposition to the other experience I will also relay.

Mr Common was raised in Montana, spent quite a bit of time in the army, in Germany, and then Seattle. Currently in computers, in Jersey and unemployed. He assured me he had funds for 6 months, and he had a recruiter with a few great leads. Sure, whatever, I know some women won't date someone out of work, but really...I was not looking to marry him and didn't really care. If he'd never had a job, perhaps that would be a concern.

However, I knew when I first saw him, I would not be interested in him. He didn't smell right to my wolf nose. It wasn't as if he hadn't showered. He just had an unpleasant chemistry to him. Blue eyes which I love but one was lazy, off to the side severely. And lest you think I'm so superficial, he was short and stocky and THAT didn't bother me a bit. But eye contact....damn that is just key for me.

We sat at Panera and ate and talked. I got a nonstop earful - about an hour's worth - of army stories. And he had not one question for me. And not just army stories, but wild drunken army stories. Involving tricks he played on others. This man was reliving the past across the table from me and I couldn't help feeling as though he was really sad about his life now. I know, military men have to haze each other, and their bonds are tighter than tight. I love Band of Brothers and other military movies. But sadly, sitting there, a picture was starting to form of this man that I just didn't care for. He didn't seem....nice. I know that sounds lame. But I tried to keep an open mind.

We talked a little about how challenging it was to be new to Jersey, and what it was like to move out here for him. He proceeded to tell me two more stories from the past year that sealed the image forming. Both involved him losing his temper, once with a coworker in the office and once with a customer service rep at car rental kiosk in an airport. His description of his anger and his violent thoughts and behavior really made me uncomfortable. I saw a picture of a man who could not control his emotions or his actions. To have the police called on you because you made such a scene in an airport...maybe someone else can handle being around that, but it just isn't me. And why would you tell that to someone you're meeting for the first time and hoping to date?

So, I was ready to go, of course I didn't openly criticize his behavior when he was done or anything because I wanted to survive the night. LOL So, he walked me to my car, gave me a hug I really didn't want nor reciprocate, and he said, "Well, let's see how the chemistry is between us when you're not so tired."

Excuse me? How about we don't. And...I'm tired? I never said I was tired. I'd done my absolute best to be bright and bubbly. I should have said, "I wouldn't be so tired if you weren't so boring." Anyway, I wrote him a long email telling him exactly why I wouldn't be seeing him again. Done and next.

(Yes....next....there was a next that is worthy of a post all its own but I'm just going to babble on here.)

Every day we learn. Never stop learning.

Enter stage right...a man that I can really only best describe as... a catalyst.

Main Entry: cat·a·lyst
Pronunciation: \'ka-t?-l?st\
Function: noun
Date: 1902

1: a substance that enables a chemical reaction to proceed at a usually faster rate or under different conditions (as at a lower temperature) than otherwise possible
2: an agent that provokes or speeds significant change or action

Mr Catalyst. Mr Game Changer. Why do you ask?

I haven't found myself more interested in a man from the FIRST word exchanged in a very long time. If I had to think who was the last to make me feel this way, it was L, it was 2004, and I was open-hearted and open-minded. And yes, being THAT affected again, is startling. Like, wake me from a slumber I didn't know I was sleeping kind of startling. Holy shit, I still have THOSE types of feelings? I'm not dead there, in the deepest core of me? Really? Yes, really.

Mr S. is worthy of every complimentary word that begins with an S that I can think of. Sweet. Sexy. Super. Sincere. Sinful. He's a thinker. He's in touch with his emotions. He's a history enthusiast. He's got comedic timing. He's taller than me. He has blue eyes. He has seen the world. He wants to see more of the world. He doesn't want kids. He loves to snuggle beneath really cozy blankets. He has a voice that gives me those girly girly shivers. He's difficult to deal with, likely set in his ways, and confidently brimming with the experience to back it up. He asks detailed questions and wants to know about me. He goes off on lovely tangents in conversation that make me smile. He's 43 but mentions Winne the Pooh, loves the story of how teddy bears came into existence, and is likely a big teddy bear himself (though he would not want this getting out I'm sure - sorry, you'll all swear to secrecy right?).

We had about half a dozen amazing emails back and forth before our first phone call...which lasted 3 hours and 50 minutes....and I hate talking on the phone longer than 20 minutes! I felt like a teenager...with a super hard crush.

But here's why he's the catalyst, the game changer. He makes me want to be the best I can possibly be. He makes me bring my A game. He has a way of making me pull away the veils I hide behind and face the music. Yes, this early on. He has that much positive influence on me.

And now for the hard part. I messed up. He found this blog.

(Editor's Note: He found it before he ever contacted the crazy girl. And he still wrote.)

I honestly don't know if he'll read this post or if he's read one post or several posts or all 497 posts. I didn't give him a chance to tell me. Because it caught me so off guard that I freaked. And I melted down so completely that I may have lost the chance with him. The verdict is out, the jury is sequestered, and I'm wondering what will happen next.

But what I want to say, is that even if I do...lose any chance of knowing him further, I absolutely believe he "came into my life" as a great big wake-up call. The message? Stop hiding. Even when I didn't really think I was, I was.

Did I really think this blog was private? It is one of the first 5 things that come up in a google search about me, I've been writing and going around in circles here for years.

I have no reason to be hiding anyway. I'm someone facing my fears, my challenges, every day. I'm fighting for the best life I can have, even if that means I'm alone for the rest of that life. It may not be heroic or inspiring, it may be just one simple woman with one simple life, but I'm giving it all I've got.

If someone can't stand what's said here, then they don't want to know the real me. Having said that, there's so much more to me than just what's on these pages. I hope that anyone who reads any blog realizes that about the person they're reading. We can't show you everything or explain everything here. We'd be writing nonstop and we wouldn't be living.

"Get busy living or get busy dying." Either way, writing about it helps, and certainly gives a window. I just think if you want to know more, please try to come through the front door.

So I'm thanking Mr S for being my catalyst for change.

In a very short time, you found me, you wrote to me, you exposed me to myself, you called me a "very rare lady," and I'm grateful for the reminder. I used to know that. I do know that, deep down inside. I just need someone like you in my life to reflect it back to me once in a while.

If we don't risk rejection, we can't risk intimacy.