Losing Weight; Finding Men

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just their option."

Friday, April 18, 2008

Food is my Heroin

Let me just say that Bermuda Rum Cakes rock the house. Like a pound cake and an angelfood cake combined and soaked with 80 proof rum. Yum yum yum.

Rum cake is devoured; here's a photo of beautiful croton.

Lots of time to think during my brief trip to Bermuda and lots of carbs to consume while thinking. How could I not? LOL The rain was coming down sideways most of the time which made even walking difficult. As if that is a legitimate excuse. Oh we always lie to ourselves.

Months after starting, I finally finished Nikki Sixx's heroin diary. Phew. That's some hard stuff to read, and I don't mean the crazy typeface. He wasn't just a heroin addict, he was a depressed, creative, Sagittarius soul. So much I could relate to, it was frightening. Glad I never had a window into the drug world; who knows where I'd be now. He was a fragile shattered child and hid his pain any way he could. He learned to stop the blame game and took responsibility for his own life.

I'm hiding too, inside this weight. Food is my heroin. I have to stop the blame game. I have to learn to take responsibility for my own life.

Isn't it gorgeous?

I should probably belong to OA. But just like Nikki, I'm not gonna go for that. I'll do it my way. I'll pull a piece from here and a piece from there and I'll struggle out of my own dark hole myself. It doesn't really help me to have others with food issues supporting me. Don't get me wrong, I do take some comfort in the fact that it is a growing national epidemic. But when it gets right down to the details, we ALL do things for different reasons and handle it differently. I have to handle it my way; you have to handle it your way. What's right for me isn't right for you and vice versa.

If I ever have millions to hide, I know a secret cave!

Beneath my carb addiction is a real hatred for myself. A sense of fear and loathing that I have to deal with, most likely deep deep down on a subconscious level. It is the only way I can see to try to break the habit of choosing food over life. Simply knowing what I "should" do and even "wanting" to do, isn't enough. I am hoping re-programming the subconscious mind will help me gain that edge I need with exercise and eating well.

One of the 3 hours Mother Nature smiled upon me with some sun.

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you're like butter to me

Just a Lovable Party Girl

Just a Lovable Party Girl
Sagittarius is born to travel the world and move upwards and outwards. Naturally gregarious, they love the idea of meeting different people and understanding foreign cultures. There is also a desire to broaden the mind too, with the possibility of many Sagittarians being lifelong students. Their outlook is generally optimistic and there is a distinct lack of concern over the smaller, practical details. A great sense of humor and a lack of petty mindedness are Sagittarian qualities too. Sagittarius is open -- open-minded, open-hearted and generous, up to a point. They like to get value and will not be quite so impulsive with their cash but they do have a natural ability to get on with people from many varied walks of life. They have an innate sense of wanting to help others and give them a hand up the ladder and can be wonderful and exciting companions. Expect an honest answer when you ask a question and maybe some long philosophic discussions into the night. Jovial, optimistic, versatile, open-minded, philosophical, sincere, frank, visionary.