258

morning weight: 258lbs

Ummmmmmmmmm
oooohhhhhhmmmmmm
Hmmmmmmm

Yay.

Go figure.

Placebo effect?
Pre-period party in my body composition?
Fluke of the scale?

Why ask why?

258. 258. 258.

oooo rah!

All I know is I was standing on the scale with both feet. Most definitely.

I should check my measurements again soon.

Hypnosis & Me

morning weight: 259 lbs (woohoo!)

If y'all look back or care to remember, I've hit the 50s twice before in the last year. And my lowest was 258. Well maybe 3rd time is a charm, we'll see. We keep making mistakes until we get it right. I'm not putting pressure on myself. Just taking it one day at a time.

I didn't cheat all weekend. I proofed and edited all weekend. And I ended up with a migraine this morning as a result; my eyes just can't take it. But I didn't cheat. Baby steps.

I heard back from the medical group that offers hypnosis locally. They raised their rates since last time I inquired. $400 for the first visit. *choke* $300 for each additional visit and they suggest a minimum of 3-5 visits for hypnosis to work successfully. For those of us slow in math, 5 visits would be $1600. I said I had a few hundred and they said they don't recommend just one visit. I was rather overcome with emotion at learning this, and I asked in desperation for any help they could suggest, and the woman (mind you, she's just a receptionist so she really has no authority to dish out advice but I took it anyway) suggested I try Hypnosisdownloads. She said they use their programs in conjunction with some of their own. Now why would they do that I wonder? Wouldn't their programs be enough?

So puzzled and curious, I went and read. It all sounded good, but I have explored this path before and I wasn't able to stick with it. What would make these different? I don't know. Maybe my level of dedication (aka desperation). I've learned to be so skeptical that it is hard to try again. So then I went to my favorite review site to see if by some chance they had anything to say about hypnosis. Surprisingly, Ultimatefatburner not only had something to say but specifically about Hypnosisdownloads. Usually these guys are infamous for pointing out the scams and have saved me from spending money on supplements that are a crock of crap. So I thought, Uh-oh. Scam city. But lo' and behold, these guys did not have a terrible review, they had a decent one put together by an actual trial of the product. Love that kind of in-depth information even if it is just one person's opinion.

So, after feeling somewhat informed, I decided if the prices were reasonable, I'd make a purchase. Well, you can't go wrong for $12. You can't even get a book for $12 these days, can you? So, I purchased myself some hypnosis. It has been about 36 hours and I've listened twice. I don't expect immediate results, but I have to confess it doesn't hurt that the speaker is British; I am a sure sucker for a yummy accent.

I also got one to help me with my fear of bridges, because that nasty phobia I have seems to be getting worse and worse with the construction they're doing on the TZ which I have to deal with twice a work day. Perhaps here is where I will notice the most immediate results.

So for what it is worth, I am not telling people they should all try hypnosis. You have to want to do it, duh. But if you do, check out the site. They offer such an astonishing list of issues, I found myself wondering "If we all have the ability to be happy and healthy right within our grasp, then why aren't we?" Good question, eh?

Living for today.
Not yesterday and not tomorrow.
Today.

Hope Springs Eternal

"I know there's a price for this,
but some things in life you must resist."

Couldn't have said it better myself. Back to that old waffling point, like the 50s are always teasing me. I really pushed myself last night at the gym. Thank god for Craig Ferguson's whacked out sense of humor. He had me laughing on the treadmill. Cheeky Monkey! I did 3 miles at 2.8 and an incline of 2.5. I burned less calories but I feel I worked my muscles more. I noticed my heart heart slowed the higher the incline. When I went back down to 2.0, the heart rate increased. I didn't think that was supposed to happen. Who knows. Tonight I will go and do just 20 minutes and then some weights.

In the meantime, I must not eat away my progress. I'm really getting tired of eggs. Never thought that would happen. But I can say with the warmer weather, the urge to crawl inside a loaf of bread is diminishing. Replaced by the urge for ice cream of course, but I will try to handle that like I did last summer with the low-carb yogurt and FF coolwhip.

No more specific goal amounts. No X amount of pounds by Christmas. Not for me. I will just strive to weigh less every time I get on the scale. No pressure. It will come off when it is supposed to come off.

Left a message with the hypnosis place. Waiting to hear back.

"I hear that you slipped again
I'm here because you need a friend
And you know that accidents can happen
and it's ok
we all fall off the wagon sometimes
it's not your whole life
it's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.
Take some time,
learn to breathe
and remember
what it means to feel alive
and to believe
you're something more
than what you see.
I know there's a price for this,
but some things in life
you must resist."
-Accidents Can Happen, Sixx A.M.

Just Another April Wednesday

Well, isn't that interesting. Down 3 lbs. Not sure I get it as I FEEL like I've gained. So who knows what's up really.

Turns out the certified letter wasn't from my landlords. Just the good old state about taxes. I never would have thought they'd send something certified.

So, that means I can once again explore the hypnosis idea. I'll have to remember to call today when I get home. It isn't exactly the kind of call I can make from work.

Still, in 4 months, I'm either renewing the lease or moving...anyone have $4,000 - $6,000 to spare? Moving sucks.

Unless of course, one is moving to Bermuda.

Back to Reality

Well, it could be worse. After all the carb intake I did and alcohol consumption, I'm surprised. I was sure that I'd gained it all back to 297 lbs. *LMAO* So, I am just plagued with the 60s, as usual.



Went to the gym! Hurrah for me. One hour = 2.1 miles = 483 calories. Is that the pace of a tortoise? So what. I went. Even with other people there this morning. Yay me.

Was prepared to book the hypnosis appointments tomorrow except that now I think my landlord is going to be asking me to vacate, so I might need to hold on to those hundreds of dollars for more immediate use. I'll know more after I pick up this certified letter that is waiting for me at the post office. What a dreadful thought, having to move. I love my lake spot.



The old June 16 goal is looming. So sad, why do I make goals? Oh that's right, I must've meant June 16 2009. Right.

More Photos

I threw a slideshow together for you (thank you google you rock!) to see the photos of the trip.

Trust me, they're not all of me. Some gorgeous sunset shots.

Food is my Heroin

Let me just say that Bermuda Rum Cakes rock the house. Like a pound cake and an angelfood cake combined and soaked with 80 proof rum. Yum yum yum.


Rum cake is devoured; here's a photo of beautiful croton.

Lots of time to think during my brief trip to Bermuda and lots of carbs to consume while thinking. How could I not? LOL The rain was coming down sideways most of the time which made even walking difficult. As if that is a legitimate excuse. Oh we always lie to ourselves.

Months after starting, I finally finished Nikki Sixx's heroin diary. Phew. That's some hard stuff to read, and I don't mean the crazy typeface. He wasn't just a heroin addict, he was a depressed, creative, Sagittarius soul. So much I could relate to, it was frightening. Glad I never had a window into the drug world; who knows where I'd be now. He was a fragile shattered child and hid his pain any way he could. He learned to stop the blame game and took responsibility for his own life.

I'm hiding too, inside this weight. Food is my heroin. I have to stop the blame game. I have to learn to take responsibility for my own life.


Isn't it gorgeous?

I should probably belong to OA. But just like Nikki, I'm not gonna go for that. I'll do it my way. I'll pull a piece from here and a piece from there and I'll struggle out of my own dark hole myself. It doesn't really help me to have others with food issues supporting me. Don't get me wrong, I do take some comfort in the fact that it is a growing national epidemic. But when it gets right down to the details, we ALL do things for different reasons and handle it differently. I have to handle it my way; you have to handle it your way. What's right for me isn't right for you and vice versa.


If I ever have millions to hide, I know a secret cave!

Beneath my carb addiction is a real hatred for myself. A sense of fear and loathing that I have to deal with, most likely deep deep down on a subconscious level. It is the only way I can see to try to break the habit of choosing food over life. Simply knowing what I "should" do and even "wanting" to do, isn't enough. I am hoping re-programming the subconscious mind will help me gain that edge I need with exercise and eating well.


One of the 3 hours Mother Nature smiled upon me with some sun.

Many LIITs Later...

I LOVE Bermuda. Really. On a bad day, I'd rather be in Bermuda than in my regular day to day life.

Having said that...this is a short video of my first night, recorded just inside my cabana, looking out at my "perfect sunset view:"



This pretty much set the stage for the three days I was there.

I can only laugh.

At least the bartender mixed some pretty strong Long Island Iced Teas!

Happy Birthday Sena

"You belong among the wildflowers...
You belong somewhere you feel free."

There is no doubt that I have been well aware that today was my sweet Sena's birthday. I purposely booked my flight for tomorrow because of it. But I didn't think it would hit me so hard. I was distraught this morning waking up in tears at 5 am. I have been so good for so long, so strong for months. I have been able to remember the good she gave me. But today, today I am both drawn to her ashes and repulsed at the thought that I would be. For that is not her. She is not there. She is everywhere. I should take a walk because she is in the air and the trees and the lake and in every other puppy's eye.



1996 brought the most beautiful soul into the world. She nearly died of parvo at 11 weeks, and her survival of that experience bonded her to me in the most incredible way. Before I even knew this, I named her after a mythological wolf that saved an entire race of people. There quickly became no doubt that she was here to protect me, many times from others, and at least twice from myself.

She carried herself in the most alpha female way. She was my supermodel herding superstar. She kept everything in order. She knew quite well that there was no one else who would care for me the way she did, and she tried to tell me this through the end of my marriage and several relationships. Only in the end did I realize just how right she was.

I'll never forget our walks. She would scout up ahead and always loop back or stop and wait for me. She would never let me out of her sight. And she was the perfect business partner when I opened my dog walking service. To gain that edge on the competition, I offered unique one-hour, off-leash walks for up to 5 dogs at a time. More energy expended, more socializing = happier dog = happier client. Sena was my professional handler. Not only would she encourage the other dogs to play by instigating games, but she would always keep the peace amongst the boisterous young males and she would always round up any dog who dared to stray too far from the pack. She was the key to my business success and she loved her job because it meant we were together all the time. She hated me working in an office and I did too.

I remember the day we were working when she sliced open several pads on her front paw. We were more than a mile from the truck and I had four other dogs with me. Her pain tolerance was so high. She was so brave, not whimpering, not limping as the blood gushed so much that I thought she would bleed to death. I carried her the last half mile and she was so indignant about it as I tried to stem the flow of blood with my palm. When we reached the emergency room of the vet school, the blood had drenched my shirt and she was licking the tears off my face and refusing to let them take her for treatment without me. Adrenaline was coursing through the both of us that day, and I swear we could have taken out an army around us like a tag team of wild wolves if we had to do so.

People often crossed the street to avoid us, thinking in their innocent ignorance that she was a wolf. So many people have never seen a real wolf, they just have no idea. She was no wolf; she was my angel.



I want her spirit to live inside me. I want to be the strong confident female who never flinches but loves unconditionally.