Otherwise known as some background on the unconditional love question....
Exit stage right: Mr Listener, the potential lover
Enter stage left: Mr Listener, the workout partner
*sigh*
And the crowd goes quiet.
Mr Listener and I had a long, long talk. A very honest, open, heart-to-heart talk. I pressed him to reveal how he felt about me. I felt something wasn't quite right, and that I was much more interested in him than he was in me. Well, that seems partly true at this time. Do we ever know what the future will hold? No we don't.
He listed about 20-25 attributes and qualities of mine that he is attracted to. Honestly, it went on so long, and was so detailed, I started to blush. No one has stated a list like that to me. Everything from intelligence to humor, to shapely sexy lips and an apparent certain look I have in my eyes, I do think he used the word smoldering. Yes, I was feeling, um well, like I was flying actually.
But.
There's always a but, isn't there?
There is in my life.
(And let me tell ya folks, her ass is huge! Ba-da boom.)
No seriously....there's always a but....
But...there's one thing, in his words exactly, that he is not attracted to: My body. And I quote, "I'm attracted to thin."
Right. Who isn't?
To which I laughed. Out loud. And loudly. Because I've never been "thin" a day in my life, and he knows that. He's seen the baby photo album. He knew my body size from the photos and from the first day he met me.
And he still spent ALL of his free time with me. Because....? Because I'm fucking incredible, that's why! So "What the hell are you doing with me for the last 6 weeks..." is turning over in my head (I did not speak this) as he goes on to explain more.
That he likes me SO much in so many other ways, that he's waiting to see, he'd like to spend a few months...seeing if there will be enough of a change...physically.
Sounds shallow, I agree. But if that is important enough to him the way that not smoking is important enough to me, I can understand it. In a few month's time he might know me much better, to the point where I begin to be more attractive to him. Who knows. Let's keep it in perspective and remember this is a man who settled previously, marrying someone he knew he didn't love, thought he could grow to love, and now considers her to be lacking in any type of intelligence.
Don't worry, I hear you all shouting. I'm NOT settling! And, technically, neither should he. I never want ANOTHER guy to tell me he IS attracted to me when the reality is all he wants is sex with a warm body. So, at least we're not repeating that mistake.
Let me make something perfectly clear to those of you who will want to jump on this guy and beat him to a pulp (and I do appreciate my bitch brigade, believe me). I wanted to hear the truth. Above all else. And I got it. That is so refreshing compared to the lies I've heard over and over.
What sticks in my mind is that true feelings for someone exist or develop IN SPITE of their shortcomings or their flaws or their areas of improvement.
So, it'll either be or it won't be. What's most important is that I continue losing weight for myself, not for anyone else's expectations.
Interestingly, tonight....we went to the gym together. Yes, I invited him to my sacred shrine because he's in a 21-day study with a trainer for free (promotional thing the gym is doing). And he saw how hard I work. And he was impressed, but I didn't try to impress him. I know my workout kicks ass. The numbers speak for themselves.
And as I pounded that treadmill, I was in good spirits. I thought, "Don't worry, if he doesn't want you now or when you've reached your goal, there will be plenty of others who will. You're going to just ooze confidence and sensuality even more than you do now."
And then I smiled at him and thought, "Wow, he's so out of shape, he can't even hold 2.4 speed for 20 minutes. And he thinks he's going to get a woman with a Halle Berry body? Hahaha."
Perhaps there will be a chapter in the future in which Mr Listener, the potential lover, will return to the stage, or maybe not. Life's a mystery.
I'm not looking. I'm not calling out "Next." I'm just going to see where the road of friendship takes me with him. If I have anything to say about it, it will lead me into the 50s, 40s, and 30s.
______________
Tuesday, April 28
Life Fitness Treadmill
Standing heart rate: 73
AVERAGE heart rate: 145
Max heart rate: 163
Workout mode: CARDIO set at 155 HR @ 2.4-2.8 mph
Calories: 920 Distance: 2.71 Time: 65:00
Note: Doing this while Mr Listener was in the building with me is a huge accomplishment from the woman who used to only be able to work out in the middle of the night.
6 comments:
I will not be one of your bitch brigade. I love that you asked and that he was decent enough to be honest ( i barely get that much from the man I've been married to for going on 25 years). And as you said, who knows what the future will bring. Not any one of us.
Whether or not anything more becomes of this friendship remains to be seen. There are plenty of "ever-after" stories where good friends have turned into much more. But if that never happens, you still have a great friend. More of those can't hurt anyone.
And may I say that I am so proud of you for working out WITH him. I don't even like to work out with Mike, always opting to wait until he leaves for work or ball or whatever. So kudos to you!!
Really hoping you make it this way in Sept. Then you, CG and I can have a meet and greet. That would be awesome!!
I am also not jumping on the 'bitch brigade'.
I have often thought of this type of thing on my own. Would my husband have asked me out in the first place had I been the highest weight I eventually got to? Honestly, I don't think so. I think that he may not have been attracted to me. But since, it was high school, and back then I was looking pretty cute - If I do say so myself, lol - he was attracted to me.
After he fell in love with me it became unconditional. He loved me despite the size I eventually grew to. I always knew that no matter how big I got, he loved ME, not my waist line.
So while to some it may seem shallow of Mr Listener to tell you that - I think it was great that he was so honest with you. I also think that he is struggling with his own standards right now since you seem to impress him on SO many other levels.
I definitely think that you should not give up on him. Stay friendly and continue to let him see the awesome being that is you.
To me this sounds like the beginning of a chick-flick where the guy initially doesn't see all the beauty in the girl - but eventually realizes that she is the one that he can't live without!
I have to say that I'm disappointed in him. I was really hoping that there was a man out there who could see past the minor body flaws and see the real woman inside. But maybe that's my hope because I want to believe someone can see me for who I really am and get past the flesh.
That being said, I'm glad he was honest with you. That can't have been easy for him to say as much as it wasn't easy for you to hear.
Stick with this. I really want to see Jen's chick-flick come true!
Well, here goes another long-winded commentary... :-)
Okay, I won’t be on a “bitch squad” either. I will be mindful of your statement “true feelings for someone exist or develop IN SPITE of their shortcomings or their flaws or their areas of improvement.” So true.
Although I’ve never had real weight issues, I definitely have “fat head” issues…which are sometimes worse and uglier and harder to deal with. On the other hand, my husband has always been quite overweight. At one point before I met him, he weighed 400 lbs, when I met him he weighed about 290 which is about what he still weighs. At first, I wouldn’t go out with him because he wasn’t the “body type” that I was used to dating. But some of the thin men I had dated previously often were not very nice to me. So the force of this man’s personality and his kind and caring nature won me over (plus he loved my dog), and we have grown to accept each other for who we are in both mind and body. Not that we are always in sync, but our common philosophy is “pick your battles and ignore the small stuff.”
I once overheard him telling someone that “Since we’ve been together, Gracie has never once made me feel bad about my weight." That touched my heart and made me feel sad and happy at the same time. He said that as if it was something unusual. The fact is, throughout his life, he has faced discrimination and disapproval and mean comments from the outside world. Of course, we both want him to lose weight for his health and it is an everyday struggle, but we are in it together and he knows I accept his weight (whatever it is) as part of who he is.
Do I wish he weighed less for my own vanity? Sometimes, but that is a dark side of my nature that I fight when it manifests itself. It is probably there because of the emphasis that was put on me as a child to be “skinny.” On the other hand, his weight is in some ways an outward manifestation of his zest for the good things in life, which include his love of cooking and going to nice restaurants and eating wonderful food. I wouldn’t trade any of these aspects just to be on the arm of a “skinny” man. (My first husband was skinny but had so many food issues that we could never go anywhere nice to eat. No fun.)
This comment may be more than you were asking for, but your last two posts have been very thought provoking. You are obviously a person with many wonderful qualities and attributes, and I just hope Mr. Listener comes to realize that if he gives you up just because you don’t currently fit his ideal of a “perfect” body, it would be a real loss for him.
And in those chick flicks, by the time he realizes he can't live without her, the girl has gained so much more self confidence in herself she realizes she deserves MUCH better than him and moves on with her life. SUCKA!!
That's the kinda movie I'd see!
I could not spend my days waiting for a man to think I'm good enough for him. Just him having that attitude tells me he is not good enough for *me*!
Best of luck. I'm feeling for you.
Honesty, while painful sometimes, is good. At least you KNOW. And knowing is so powerful. It will be interesting to see how your relationship changes during this process. Only time will tell, but go with your instincts with him. You can't go wrong. Cheering for you!!!
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